Life After Death

After some discussion, Zacky and I decided we would keep Jimmy’s demo under wraps for the moment. It could go on hold, just as the rest of the Nightmare album currently was. This was not the time to distract everyone, I needed all the support I could get with everything that was happening. After all, I had grieving the Rev to cope with, not to mention the constant on-going drama of the land of the living. Baby Jimmy would take up every waking moment, and I still had to fit Aubrey in somehow.
Oh, shit. I hadn’t packed for Aubrey yet. I was sure Adam would appear before long to collect her stuff. As if by magic, my phone chimed with a message from him. That guy is psychic, I swear.

I’ll swing by in 10 to get a bag, if you’re ready?

I replied with a confirmation and legged it upstairs to get started. What do you pack for someone going to a psychiatric unit? It's hardly a holiday. I supposed she’d need the basics like clothes, a hairbrush and a toothbrush. I search through her drawers in the dresser. Do crazy people wear make-up? After some thought, I figured it was probably the last thing on her mind right now. I checked her bedside drawer. Her phone, would she need that? Would she be allowed it? I knew nothing about what she could and couldn't have.

I realised how ill-versed I was in real life. Everything had been so simple just a few months ago that I’d operated on only two feelings – happy and sad. Fast forward to now, though, and I felt like I’d swallowed the whole spectrum of human emotion in less than a year. It was a lot to take on board and I was worried that I couldn’t juggle it all. Something was going to have to give, but so far nothing had let up. Perhaps I would have to make the decision to let something go myself, but what? I couldn’t abandon baby Jimmy, and I couldn’t leave Aubrey by herself; leaving only one thing. But I couldn’t... I couldn’t push my best friend to the side, even if he wasn’t here anymore. Especially when he was dominating my waking thoughts right now.

I thrust the last bits in and heard a knock at the front door just as I zipped the suitcase up. Matt answered it and let Adam in. There was quiet discussion between them that I couldn’t quite make out. I lifted the case from the bed but stopped myself as the pictures on the bedside table caught my attention. She may not want them right now, but maybe they would bring some comfort to her at some point. Photos of our family. We looked happy and normal. Sure, there were tattoos and piercings and odd hair colours, but we looked like loving, doting parents. It was a far cry from our current reality.

I'd never been one to pictures up around the house, but Aubrey had wasted no time when she’d moved in. Every surface had a frame now, every bare wall had a canvas or collage. I had to admit that I’d quite enjoyed the change. She had also brought some ugly ornaments with her though, I hadn’t liked those so much – especially the cat that seemed to be looking at you wherever you stood in the room – but living together is about compromise, right?
I chose a select few photos to go in her case as I hunted around for more. Unfortunately, Aubrey hadn’t just dotted around pictures of the three of us. As I picked through the various frames, I neatly avoided any with the Rev in, turning them face down. I couldn’t look at him right now, it hurt too much. His smile, once so inviting and warm, now felt torturous to look at. I caught the train of thought that was running through my mind, the empty ache that stung and made me so full of hatred for him. I barely recognised the person I was becoming. It scared me sometimes. I couldn’t work out if this had happened to me because of Jimmy’s passing, or whether the darkness had always been there, just waiting for the right event to bring it out. I’d never been spiteful or malicious before, and yet here I was turning photos of my best friend down so I didn’t have to look at him. Was I a horrible person? Was Jimmy? No, of course Jimmy wasn’t. He was always so full of life and love, letting it overflow onto everyone he met. There was no one in the world who could claim that they wished they’d never met him, no one. Except me. I hated that I’d devoted so many years of friendship to him, only for him to thoughtlessly rip it up.

“Brian? Aubrey’s bag ready?” Johnny called up the stairs.
“Just a minute,” I returned. I needed a minute to close the wound I’d just picked opened before I looked everyone in the eye. How the dead were so demanding of your thoughts, I’d never know. They were gone forever, and yet there they were, as present as ever. Perhaps this is what it felt like to be haunted. It didn’t have to be pictures falling off the wall and whispered voices like in the movies; instead it was the emptiness that wrapped its tendrils around you tightly and the intrusive images of old memories that occupied every waking moment. Flashes of smiles and echoes of words. I tried to shake it all off and gather my courage to go downstairs.

I began my slow descent, listening to the hushed tones floating up from the lounge. Baby Jimmy was awake and commanding the attention of everyone in the room. They were all so amazed with his new found voice as he gurgled contently at them. I pushed the door open and found Jimmy laid on the baby gym, swinging his clenched fists haphazardly as he hiccuped. Surrounding him were all the guys with silly smiles on their faces. Johnny had a beer in hand.
“You’ve only been on the job for a couple of hours, Christ. Driven you to drink already?” I laughed. Johnny shrugged at me.
“Babies hit me in the feels, dude, beer seemed like the appropriately manly solution to the problem,” he replied, grinning back. Adam stood and extended his hand out towards the suitcase.
“I’ll get this to Aubrey right away,” he began, before glancing back at Jimmy. "He's cute."
Right on cue, Jimmy hiccuped again, causing Zacky to swoon.
“Vengeance will be having one next,” Matt snorted, digging an elbow into the simpering man’s side.
“This one is cute because it belongs to Brian. I don’t need any of my own thanks,” he retorted with a grimace.
“He’s not an ‘it’, Z,” Johnny chided lightly with a smile, as Zach held up his hands in mock apology. I smiled at their back and forth, and handed the case to Adam.
“Can we talk for a moment?” I asked him.
He nodded, “Sure.”

“You want a coffee?” I asked, as we entered the kitchen. The shards of my anger were still on the floor next to the brush and dustpan, we’d never finished cleaning it up earlier.
“Please,” Adam replied, and turned his attention to the mess. “I’ll sort this.”
I brewed the coffee whilst Adam swept up the last of the splinters of the ceramic and deposited them in the bin.
“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked, as I poured a cup each for us.
“I’m not exactly familiar with this,” I began, passing him his coffee. “Can I visit her? What will happen to her? Could this come back again?”
Adam sighed and stared into his cup, as though it might have the answers to my questions.
“I don’t know how long she will be there, could be weeks or months. I’ll check the visiting hours for you, but most places will have visiting open every day. I don’t know much about treatment, Brian, it's not my area medically; but I do know that if you have more children, she could experience this again,” he offered. Helpful I guess, but all-in-all a disappointing answer. I suppose I was hoping he could wave a magic wand and make this easy. He sipped, deep in thought. I swallowed my pride and mustered up the courage to say something I’d been meaning to say since this morning.
“Adam,” I faltered as he finally looked up from his coffee, “I just wanted to say thank you. You’ve done a lot for Aubrey. And for me. I just wanted you to know I appreciate it all, even if I don’t seem like I do.”
“Thanks, Brian. I never meant to be so involved in your life though, honestly” he joked lightly, as he went back to sipping. I gave him a small smile. I’d not intended for him to be so involved either, yet here he was. I couldn’t get rid of him, it seemed. At least he was helpful, I suppose.

He tilted his mug up, finishing the last of his drink, then set it on the counter.
“Thanks for that, but I’d better go,” he said, gesturing awkwardly at the belongings in his hand. “I’ll update you on visiting hours when I get there. Just focus on Jimmy for now. He needs your attention as much as Aubrey does.”
“Yeah, ok. Thanks again,” I replied, setting my own mug down. I followed him to the door and let him out. He ducked into his car and pulled away, disappearing down the street. He had most of Aubrey’s life with him, packed into one small suitcase. Everything except for baby Jimmy.

Notes

Jesus Christ, Adam. Can we please have one chapter without you?