Jimmy’s funeral. It felt unreal to say those words. It had been one of the most painful things we’d ever had to face. An eerie quiet hung around those who had attended, one that only made us more painfully more aware of his absence. Jimmy would have filled that emptiness with his colourful conversation and his infectious laugh. We no longer had that though, and the silence left in its place was deafening. I had known as soon as I had seen Brian’s face when he returned home from the hospital that something wasn’t right.

“Is he ok?” I asked, swallowing as I took in Brian’s red eyes and dishevelled appearance. He shook his head as his face crumpled. He dropped to his knees and I sprinted to him, wrapping my arms around him as tightly as I could.
“He’s gone,” was all he could manage before letting his tears take over.

I strapped baby Jimmy into the car. As I closed the door, Brian put his hands on my shoulders and pulled me back into an embrace from behind, resting his head on mine. I let him hold me that way for a moment before turning to face him. His teary eyes met mine for a second before he collapsed against me and held me tighter. I could almost feel his heart beating through his sobs, like it was echoing around my mind. He’d been a shell of himself from the moment it had happened. All I could do was try and stay strong and support him through it.
“Are you coming to Johnny’s Bar for the wake?” Matt’s question cut through our moment. I looked up and was met with his tear streaked face. I gave him a silent nod on Brian’s behalf, who was in no condition to speak at this point. It felt like everything would feel this raw forever. I wasn’t sure how we’d ever get past it.
When a huge piece of your life just disappears, what do you do? Do you embrace the void it leaves; staying broken forever? Do you try and fill it with something else? But there was nothing that could take Jimmy’s place, ever. We were left spinning out of control, trying desperately to grab at anything that would make the situation make sense, but there was nothing. We were alone.

The wake was as silent as the funeral had been. Everyone was reliving their own memories of Jimmy’s antics in this place. Every piece of furniture, every inch of the floor, every scuff and dirty mark on the wall. It all held a bittersweet slice of the Rev. The table he’d climbed to get extra height on his leap to take down Johnny, the chip in the wall left by his bizarre Kung Fu routine, the stain on the carpet from the beer he’d overflowed while demonstrating some crazy theory about the human brain. There was no escaping the ghost of James Owen Sullivan’s chaos here. Eventually, the A7X boys joined our table to come and see the baby.
“How’s Baby Gates?” Zacky asked, reaching in to the car seat and cooing at the sleepy infant. Brian looked up and broke his silence.
“Jimmy. His name is Jimmy,” he said quietly, before dropping his head again. There was a quiet moment of recognition, everyone letting our choice of name sink in. Johnny spoke first.
“It’s perfect, man,” he smiled lightly through his tears. The others murmured in agreement.
“You’ve got a lot to live up to, little dude. I don’t doubt you can more than fill those boots though, especially with parents like yours,” Zacky chuckled softly. Matt suddenly raised his glass and addressed everyone.

“Jimmy was an amazing guy. He will live on forever in our memories and through Avenged Sevenfold's music. Our lives were richer for knowing him and we will all remember the way he lit up every room he walked into. Today may have been a sad day, but moving forward we must remember Jimmy with smiles on our faces and laughter in our hearts. We can start now, by celebrating Brian and Aubrey’s son, baby Jimmy, exactly the way Jimmy would have wanted us too. Let’s regale him with tales of his Uncle Knifemaster, so he knows exactly how much his name means to everybody,” he paused and raised his glass higher. “To the Knifemaster, the Reverend Tholomew Plague, to James Owen Sullivan. To Jimmy,” he finished. We all raised our glasses and repeated him.
“To Jimmy,” came the chorus of the crowd. We all tapped our glasses together and drank. There was a flurry of emotions. Joy, sorrow, nostalgia, but most of all there was a heartfelt longing for Jimmy that everyone in the room could feel.
“If Jimmy were here right now,” Matt began again, “he would not be sat glumly. He would have been making amazing memories. I can’t let this day go by with no mention of the things we loved most about him. So,” he turned to baby Jimmy, “let me begin with a story about your uncle and the time he chased a goose…”

The wake passed quickly after that. As odd as it sounds, nobody wanted it to be over in the end. We cried, we laughed, sometimes did both at once, as everyone shared stories about Jimmy. It was like emotional whiplash. We'd be in hysterics at times, and then grief would swoop in and stab you through the heart in the middle of it all. It felt right though. It felt right to celebrate Jimmy’s life instead of mourning our loss, for today anyway. Hours had flitted by and soon, people started leaving one by one. I scooped Jimmy Jr. up in my arms and we began making our way round everyone to say our goodbyes. As we approached the door, Brian stopped. There was a hand on his arm preventing him from going any further.
“Can I stay with you guys tonight?” Zach pleaded, his green eyes revealing his grief. Brian’s mouth twisted and he pulled Zacky into a hug.
“Of course, Z, any fucking time,” Brian’s voice cracked. He motioned to everyone else. “That goes for all of you. My door's always open and you are all welcome whenever you need it.”
“Make that two of us coming, then,” Johnny replied, appearing at Johnny’s side. Matt sidled up to them and put an arm around Johnny, giving him a squeeze.
“I’m coming as well,” he said, solemnly. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
Johnny returned the squeeze, “None of us do, brother.”

Everyone was dotted around Brian’s lounge. We’d pulled every mattress we had in the house and laid them out on the floor. It felt like a slightly crazy thing to do, but it was what we all needed. Everybody was craving that closeness to try and fill Jimmy’s empty space that was nagging at us. The drinks flowed between the boys as they shared stories and memories. I stepped out with baby Jimmy every so often to tend to his needs, but otherwise, he was happy to spend all his time cuddled up on me, lulled by the soft voices and laughter that filled the room. Zach was the first to tap out, his head nodding as he dropped off to sleep. Johnny followed shortly after. Matt and Brian stayed up together, still swapping stories. At some point, I drifted off as I listened to Matt and Brian trying to console each other.

Baby Jimmy’s snuffling woke me. I couldn’t have slept more than half an hour and yet I was wide awake already. He nuzzled as he looked for a feed. The room was quiet, save for soft snoring from Zacky. The room was peaceful as their sleep let them escape the grief temporarily. I picked up Jimmy and tiptoed to the kitchen to feed him in peace. The kitchen air was cool, and I noticed the double doors to Brian’s patio were ajar. I ventured towards them and heard sniffling coming from near the pool. I peeked my head around the door.
“Johnny?” I called, seeing his form hunched over in one of the sun loungers. He didn’t answer me. I softly trudged over and sat beside him. I draped my free arm around his shoulders and pulled him into me. He rested his head against my shoulder without a word. I could feel his body shudder as he cried. I took my moment to let my own emotions pour out. I couldn’t let Brian see me crumble, he needed me to be the one to keep everything running, but he wasn’t here right now and I could let the façade drop for a while. Johnny certainly didn’t mind my sobs, in fact he seemed to take comfort in the fact that he wasn’t the only one crying. We clung to each other for a while, until Jimmy started fussing and I realised that he’d finished feeding and my boob was still hanging out. Fuck.

“Sorry,” I snorted a little laugh through my tears as I clumsily shoved my breast back into my top. Johnny wiped his eyes and sniggered. We took one look at each other and that was it. We broke into a laughter that had us both clutching our sides. We laughed so hard that I was beginning to feel slightly nutty. I guess grief does odd things to you. The situation seemed to hit us both at the same time though, and we trailed off into silence together. The sun was beginning to rise, casting a golden orange hue over everything. It was impossible to see the beauty of it all right now, though. Johnny laid back in the lounger and sighed.
“How are we supposed to live without Jimmy? I can’t understand how anything is supposed to move forward.” He laid his arms over his eyes and I saw his mouth turn down in sorrow.
“I wish I had the answer,” I replied solemnly, putting a hand on his knee in an attempt to comfort him. He put a hand over mine in appreciation and we sat in a gloomy taciturnity as we watched the sun rise. Another day without Jimmy was upon us.

Notes

Picking up almost right where we left off. My heart hurts continuing this without the Rev :(