Oh, Baby!

The morning air was bitter, biting at my skin and colouring my cheeks. I was already cringing at the thought of the conversation to come. We ambled down the sidewalk slowly, easily, as though nothing was wrong even though we were at a make-or-break point. We sure were pretty quiet for two people who were supposed to be talking. Avenged would have to do their sound check before long presumably, but Brian seemed to be in no rush. There were birds singing, the lull of distant traffic leading their score, but I hardly noticed. All I could hear was the blood pounding in my head from my frenzied thoughts. We continued to wander down the street, the heavy silence engulfing us. He was first to break it.
“I know I’ve been an ass,” he began, sighing heavily. “I don’t have an excuse really, I was just… panicking. I had a million crazy voices in my head and I listened to them instead of the sensible one.” I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to meet his gaze.
“And what does the sensible one say?” I asked, keeping my own eyes forward.
“That I want this baby, that I want this family,” he replied, softly. I sighed, heavily.
“I want to believe you, Bri. I’m trying to, I really am,” I trailed off. This time it was his turn to focus his eyes elsewhere. It hurt a bit less to hear something if you didn’t have to watch the other person say it.
His voice came, defeated, “But?”
“But just last night you didn’t want this. You haven’t wanted it for three weeks and now suddenly you do? And I’m supposed to just blindly believe that you’re suddenly father of the year with unfaltering loyalty after not even a day’s thought?” I picked at my nails to avoid looking at him. Not that he was saying anything right now. I guess he was digesting what I’d just said.
“But isn’t this what you want?” he questioned, eventually.
“Is it what you want though?” I shot back. “I don’t want you half in, half out. I don’t want you here because you think that’s what I want, or because you feel obliged to be. I don’t want you to feel tied down and stuck with a life that you don’t want. I want you to know what you want.”
“I... don’t know what I want,” he finally admitted, guiltily. “I want to want it. Sometimes I do want it, other times it scares the shit out of me and I can't stop myself from running,” he finished. At least he’s being honest, I guess, but it’s just not good enough…
“That’s exactly what I don’t need, Syn,” I replied. My voice was almost a whisper. It felt like an age had passed when I realised that we’d come to a halt, physically and in our relationship. We couldn’t move forward like this. It dawned on me that things might actually be over, romantically at least.
“It’s ok to not want this,” my voice wobbled, “but we can’t come back from it. Our thing, whatever this was, will be over.”
“I know,” he answered, dejectedly. We were silent for a minute, both absorbing the feeling the foundations of our relationship giving way, before he asked, “Will I get to meet him?”
“Of course,” I nodded, as I blinked tears back.
“Then maybe… maybe this is it,” he cast his eyes downward with a pained expression. “I love you, Aubrey.”
“I love you, too.”

We stood next to each other quietly, not daring to look at each other as though it wouldn’t be real if we didn’t. The morning traffic was picking up. All these people were passing us by, completely unaware that our world had just disintegrated. I turned his words over and over in my mind, trying to think of a way to undo everything, or a way to convince him to change his mind. To make him see how we could stay together; him, a doting father and I, an adoring mother, living in a cosy home with our tiny, perfect baby… But I couldn’t make him want that. It wasn’t him. He was wild and unpredictable, always craving adventure and excitement. He loved touring, partying, fucking in risky places, impulses, freedom and so many other things that I could no longer give him. I, we, didn’t fit into his life anymore and I understood that. As much as it felt like my heart was shattering, that I might just die from the aching loneliness, I knew I couldn’t make him live a life he didn’t want.
“We should go back,” I croaked through my tears. He only nodded in affirmation.
The walk back was tainted with the despondency that came with separation. With every step, the distance between us felt bigger and lonelier. By the time we reached the bus, it was like a chasm had opened up between us.
“I’ll wait here,” he murmured, coming to a stop by the door. I gave a small nod to indicate I’d heard him and hauled myself up the steps.

I could hear Matt calling out to the rest of Avenged, “Sound check in an hour, guys. Yo, where the fuck is Syn?”
“He’s just outside,” I replied coolly, as I came into view of them.
“You’re back!” exclaimed Jimmy, who didn’t appear to have moved all morning. “Well, thank fuck! Do you know how hard it was to orchestrate your reunion?” He began to grin but stopped short when he saw my expression. I reached for my bag that was next to him on the chair but the Rev stuck his foot out, kicking it out of my reach.
“Uh-uh,” he shook his head. “Tell me what happened.”
“Why don’t you ask him?” I fed his own advice back to him, my tone a little harsher than I meant it to be. Jimmy raised an eyebrow. I ignored him and tried to reach past for my bag again.
He grabbed my arm, “I’m asking you.”
“What’s going on?” Vengeance was sat across from us, wearing a concerned expression at the tension brewing in front of him.
“Nothing is going on,” I replied, bitterly. Jimmy shot me a look and kicked my bag further away again. It was like someone had stoked the fire that was in my stomach again and I clenched my jaw, trying to keep my cool.
“Stop fucking doing that, Jimmy,” I warned him, making another grab for my bag. He shifted his body over, blocking me from reaching it with a challenging look on his face. That was all I needed to see red and go completely ballistic. I let out a screech of rage as I launched myself at him in attack.
“YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, SULLIVAN. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU CAN BURN IN HELL YOU FUCKING-”
Zacky grabbed me from behind, cutting off my tirade. I was well aware that I was an adult having a tantrum but I couldn’t stop myself. My screams dissolved into unintelligible noise and I flailed all my limbs trying to get out of his grip so I could land another fist on Jimmy. I wanted to hurt someone the way I was hurting inside, and I didn’t care who or how. I had a whole audience now, including Brian who was standing at the front of the bus looking on in horror. Zack was starting to lose his grip on me as I continued thrashing. Eventually, Matt stepped in, wrapping his strong arms around me tightly and carrying me to the back of the bus to let me work it out of my system. I’d dissolved into wailing by the time he’d set me down on the couch. My body heaved with huge gasps as I cried harder than ever before. The fog of grief enveloped me. Grief for my failed relationship, for the life I’d hoped for but would never have, for the loss of everything I’d known for the last year of my life. It took quite a while for my sobs to reduce to quiet sniffling. Matt stayed the whole time, even when the others shuffled off the bus awkwardly for their sound check. Eventually I had a the gall to look up at him.
I began to speak shakily, “I’m so sorry-” but he cut me off.
“Don’t apologise.”
“Matt... I’m so ashamed that I acted that way. I don’t know what possessed me,” I said, looking back at the floor and grimacing. “God, I’ll never be able to look the Rev in the eye again.”
“Jimmy is very forgiving. He’ll probably forget it pretty quickly,” he gave me a kind smile. He leaned back on the seat next to me and put his hands behind his head. “You know, my sister was crazy when she was pregnant too, and she had it easy. Married, baby planned, all that shit and she still fucking lost it and had bitch fits.”
“Did she ever attack anyone though?” I replied, glumly, feeling humiliated.
Shadows chuckled, “Well, no. Like I said though, you guys have a lot of shit going on.”
There was a short pause. I sat myself up straight, feeling mostly sobered from my rage.
“Brian doesn’t want me,” I announced, flatly, sniffing and wiping my tears.
Matt nodded, “I gathered he’d done something stupid. He’ll come around.”
“You should go, you'll be late,” I gestured to the noise of the band beginning to drift from the venue. Matt nodded and stood. He turned to me with a serious look.
“Don’t let him push you away, Aubrey. I know you two belong together, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.” And with that, he left.

I stayed on the bus as long as I dared, listening to the distant sounds coming from the venue. I knew though that I would have to leave before they came back. I couldn’t take seeing Jimmy again so soon and I definitely couldn’t take seeing Brian. I reluctantly stood and went to find my bag, triggering the memory of my kicking off at Jimmy. Great, so that’s haunting me already. Grabbing my rucksack, I took one last look around the bus and then I ran. I ran away from Syn and every problem that seemed to come with him, vowing that I wasn’t going to return any time soon. I couldn’t face another rejection. I walked and walked, the memory of his words hitting me with every step. I pounded my feet against the sidewalk, trying to relieve some of what I was feeling. Every ounce of sorrow, mourning, regret, rage, the feeling of rejection and betrayal; I slammed it into the ground with every fibre of my being. I only stopped when I noticed I was becoming light headed. Catching my breath, I looked around and I realised that I didn’t know where I was. Ironically, the unfamiliar surroundings provided a strange feeling of security and relief even though I was starting to feel disoriented. My head felt fuzzy like it was wrapped in cotton wool. I staggered a few feet and leaned against the nearest wall, trying to steady myself. I took deep breaths, trying to regain my senses but nothing was helping. My vision blurred as I felt a cold sweat prickle over my skin. I closed my eyes to try and stop the spinning and felt my knees give way as everything went black.

Notes

Ohhh dear. Things aren't going so well.