Oh, Baby!

I tried not to dwell on the lack of reply from Syn. He’d not answered my calls or texts. I guess it’s his way of letting me know that he’s not getting involved. Instead of wallowing in misery, I decided to be proactive and get myself a new wardrobe. My jeans – the ones I could still do up - were uncomfortably tight and I could no longer pretend that I wasn’t going to have a huge baby bump before long. I’d saved up and quit my well-paying job to go on tour with Synyster, which had left me in a less than desirable position financially but I could manage to spare a little for some comfortable clothes. I didn’t want to think about where I was going to find the money for baby stuff. I was going to have to start job hunting fairly soon, but who in their right mind would take on a pregnant woman?

Armed with piles of clothes, I headed to a fitting room. I’d just pulled some unbelievably comfortable jeans on and was in the process of pulling a top over my head when my phone rang. I wrestled frantically to get the top off, diving on my phone as soon as I was free. It was him. Fuck. I panicked and fumbled for a second, nearly dropping the phone before answering it.
“Syn?” I blurted. Well done, Aubrey. That didn’t look desperate… If I thought for a second that I could do this whole thing without him, it was all undone the moment he spoke.
“Aubrey? Can we talk?” his voice was soft, pleading and it completely threw me off.
“Are you ok?” I asked, concerned at that moment only for him.
“I got your messages…” he trailed off. There was an awkward silence between us, a showdown where each was waiting on the other to say something. I made the first move.
“Pretty crazy, huh?” I said with a nervous laugh.
“Yeah,” he agreed, quietly. Oh come on Syn, give me something to work with here. More silence. He was obviously not feeling talkative. Ugh, let me do the hard work then.
“So look, Bri, you don’t have to be involved if-”
“Can you come and see me?” he interrupted. I faltered for a moment.
“Uhh, I could.” I hesitated, checking the date. “You’re in Illinois, right?”
“We will be before long. Listen Aubrey, I have to go, but you’ll come, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” I replied, slowly. He hung up without even saying goodbye and I rolled my eyes. He never was one for chitchat over the phone but apparently he’d now lost all basic etiquette. I opened my banking app and checked my balance. The number made me grimace but there was enough to get to Syn. I kind of hated myself for following him without question like a puppy, but I guess that’s what love does to you. He must be feeling something for us if he’d invited me back again, surely? But then, maybe not. He’d not exactly been cheery on the phone. Why couldn’t things ever be simple? My little squish fluttered about and I instinctively pressed a hand to my bump.
“Everything will be ok, little one, I promise.” I felt my eyes prick as I sniffled.Am I seriously going to cry again? What am I even crying over this time? I really did try to stop myself but clearly my hormones had already decided my fate for me and I let out an almighty sob. Big, fat tears started spilling down my face. Geez, I’m so dramatic now. I was just attempting to give myself a stern talking to when a voice jolted me back to reality.
“Miss, are you ok in there?” a girl asked nervously. I glanced at my surroundings.
Fuck! I’m in the fucking fitting rooms still. I’m in the fitting rooms and I’m howling. Loudly. Stop it, Aubrey. Stop crying right now, you hormonal, snotty mess and answer her!
“Oh, I’m great!” I tried to call out cheerfully but my voice cracked halfway though. Oh for fucks sake, I couldn’t have sounded less convincing if I tried. I could sense that the woman was hovering nervously outside my curtain. I cleared my throat and tried again.
“I’m really quite ok, thanks,” I called out. She gave a relieved grunt in response and I heard her shuffle away. I breathed out my own sigh of relief and gently slapped my palm against my forehead a few times. Man up, Wilson.My motivation for clothes shopping had been lost, so I grabbed a couple of pairs of jeans, paid and high tailed it out of there before anyone could ask any questions about my face, which was a fucking mascara smudged mess.
Back home, I distracted myself from endlessly replaying the torturously embarrassing fitting room scene in my head by finding a flight out to Chicago. I picked the earliest one – why hang around? – and after a few clicks it was booked and paid for. I quickly tapped a message to Brian on my phone.

Flight booked. See you in a few hours, A x

I closed my laptop and placed my head in my hands. My message alert chimed making me jump and I silently thanked the man upstairs for the distraction. I dived on my phone and opened the message from Syn.

Ok.

Well gee, thanks for the enthralling response, asshole. He’s never been good at texting but lately it just irritated me so much more, as did everything. I gritted my teeth and got to packing. The thought of another flight didn’t have me jumping for joy but I figured there was no other way for us to meet. Syn couldn’t exactly just drop the tour and here I was with nothing to tie me down. Grabbing handfuls of clothes, I sighed. In a few hours I would see him again and hopefully things would go more smoothly this time. It could hardly go worse than last time when I’d had all of 6 words out of him and then a lecture about beer. Once I’d stuffed the last bits into my bag, I reached over to my dressing table for the scan pictures. I delicately laid them on top of my clothes and zipped the bag up. I was ready.

7 hours later I was standing in front of Avenged’s tour bus. Holy shit, here I am again. Just a few months ago, I’d excitedly clambered up the steps after Syn, full of hopes and dreams. Couldn’t say I was that excited this time around. In fact, I was about ready to turn around and run in the opposite direction.I’d touched down in Chicago at 7.30pm and had spent the last hour travelling to the venue. Exhausted and looking less than attractive, I boarded the bus. Upon seeing me, four guys immediately rushed over, gleefully shouting their congratulations. I was pulled into hugs, asked if I needed anything, asked questions about the baby. The warm reception only made Brian’s absence all the more obvious. I finally managed to pull away from the last embrace.
“Thanks, you guys. Seriously, I’m seconds away from tears so you should probably stop but I really appreciate the love,” I smiled, trying to peek behind them. My heart sank upon seeing the empty couches. The disappointment engulfed me. I really thought he would have at least been around to greet me.
“Where’s Syn?” I tried to ask casually, looking between the four of them. They all exchanged weird looks with one another, clearly trying to work out what to say. Jimmy broke the silence.
“Who?” he questioned, casually. “Oh, you mean Synyster Gates, world famous guitarist of Avenged Sevenfold? Yeah, we haven’t seen that guy for a while. But hey, this creepy, weird hermit is living in one of the bunks though, maybe he’s seen him?”

Trying and failing to hold back my smirk, I thanked them all again for the welcome and headed towards the bunks. My heart was in my throat by the time I reached Brian’s bunk; I wasn’t sure what reception I would be getting. I set down my bag and softly called his name. The curtain slid to the side and he looked out at me. He had a grim expression, smelt kind of funky and his black hair stuck in every direction – and not in a good, Synyster Gates way.
“Jesus,” I tried not to giggle as Jimmy’s hermit comment resonated around my brain. “You look worse than me, Bri.” I put a hand to my mouth, hoping to cover the smile that was starting to pull at my lips. My shoulders started to shake. Ugh. I spend all that time crying and now I’m laughing at the worst possible moment. Good one, Aubrey. Syn narrowed his eyes at me.
“I’m glad you find it funny,” he muttered, flatly.
“Oh come on, have you looked in the mirror recently?” I replied, regaining my composure a little. He went to slide the curtain shut again but I grabbed his arm before he could.
“I’m sorry,” I said, sincerely. “Why don’t we both freshen up and then we can talk?”
He thought about it for a moment and then nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, ok. Back in a sec,” he murmured, wandering off towards the front of the bus. I headed in the opposite direction to the lounge. There wasn’t much I could do with myself other than raking a brush through my hair and touching up my make up. That would have to do.

“Hey,” Brian called, softly. I turned to look at him. He’d sort of tamed his hair into submission, at least enough so that it wasn’t funny to look at any more. I gave him a little wave and he took a seat. Weighing up my options, I decided to sit across from him. He clearly needed some space still so I tried to be reasonable. Snuggling up was probably not a good idea at this moment. He started up his mute act again, so I plucked up my courage and dived in.
“You wanna see the scan pictures?” I asked. He nodded meekly, so I busied myself in digging through my bag for them. I found them and stretched my arm over, offering them to him. He hesitated for a moment before reluctantly taking them from me and looking over them briefly.
“This is our boy, huh?” He looked up at me. He’d said ‘our’ boy, which was some sort of progress, I suppose. He was so difficult to read, however, that I wasn’t really sure if he was pleased or not.
“And due on Christmas Day, how about that?” I probed for more of a response but got nothing. “You guys might have just finished tour in time for you to come to the birth.”
His head shot up, mouth hanging open, “I have to be at the birth?” He seemed genuinely shocked (and a little repulsed) by the idea.
“I-I… uhh…” I stuttered, completely taken aback. “You don’t want to be?” I asked, finally.
He shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Ok, what’s going on Syn? You need to tell me what you want.” I looked at him expectantly. He heaved a great sigh and met my gaze.
“I’ll be straight with you, Aubrey. I don’t know what I want. I’m a rock star that tours and parties and likes the easy life. I don’t think a baby has a place in my life,” he paused, clearly uneasy. “After I got your message, the guys seemed so happy and I got worked up thinking maybe it could work. Guess I got swept up by their reaction a little.”
“So, what? You aren’t happy? You don’t think it could work? You don’t even want to try?” Questions were pouring out, my eyes beginning to mist.
He sighed again, more exasperatedly this time, “Aubrey, what do you want me to say? This was kind of sprung on me.”
I scoffed, “And it wasn’t sprung on me?”
“Oh come on, Aub. You must have had some idea,” he looked at me, coldly.
“Are you accusing me of hiding this from you?” I sputtered, in disbelief that he was going there. He looked away. The tears were welling up, but they were accompanied by a rage building from the pit of my stomach. I addressed him again.
“Brian, look at me. Do you think I planned this?” I demanded. I’m so angry I think my eye is twitching. His eyes flicked back to mine but his face stayed stony.
“I don’t fucking know, did you?” He retorted, harshly. It was like he’d poured gasoline on the fire in my stomach. I stood, trying to control my rage.
“Why did you ask me here?” I asked, slowly.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged casually, his face still expressionless. His nonchalance only added to my fury. My hands were shaking now. He looked up at me and dared to open his mouth, “What?”
I was done being the bigger person here. I turned sharply and started to storm away from the lounge. He rushed to his feet and grabbed my arm. I spun around.
“DON’T TOUCH ME.” I shrieked, pulling my arm away fiercly. It was Brian’s turn to look taken aback. I was breathing deeply, trying to stop myself from attacking him.
“Aubrey, don’t leave,” he pleaded, his brown eyes deep with sorrow. For fuck’s sake, he’s like Jekyll and fucking Hyde, this boy. His puppy eyes couldn’t save him right now though.
“Why the FUCK am I here, Syn?” I spat, not even bothering to keep my voice down any more. The group at the front of the bus had gone deathly quiet but I was past caring that we had an audience. “Do you not think you owe me that much, to tell me why you dragged me all the way out here just to shit all over me?”
“Aub, please. I’m just so confused about this.”
“And I’m not?” I snapped back. He was quiet. Brian the mute had returned. I took the opportunity to leave and, just like last time, he let me go. The tears that had been threatening to break out finally made their appearance as I stumbled towards the front of the bus. The rest of Avenged looked at me with pity which just made the whole thing even more humiliating. Matt stood as I passed.
“Aubrey-” he began, but I cut him off with the wave of a hand as I stepped off the bus. The cool night air washed over me and cooled my temper a little. I leaned against the bus and tilted my head back, letting the tears fall. I gave my little bump a protective stroke. Looks like we're doing this alone, just me and Baby Gates…

Notes

Oh Brian, Brian, Brian. Don't be that guy! Maybe the A7X boys can talk some sense into him...