Oh, Baby!

I woke with a start, unsure of what had roused me. I sat up and, bleary eyed, checked the clock. It was almost 5am on the dot. My mouth was dry as a desert so I reached for my water. I glugged as much as I could stomach down, satisfying my thirst. It was as I set the glass back down that I felt it. A squeezing, cramping feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I’d had weird pains before but not like this. Something about this was undeniably different and deep down I just instinctively knew. This is it. Holy fuck. I got up and slinked to the shower. As I was rinsing my body, another wave hit me. I crouched down, letting the hot water hit my back and moaned until the pain had passed. This was definitely it. I finished washing as quickly as I could and stepped out of the shower. I dried myself off and dressed myself in between another contraction. Brian, got to tell Brian. I hunted for my phone in the bedroom, eventually finding it buried between the bed sheets. I'd fallen asleep on the phone to Brian who'd been ready to party. Jesus, he'd better not have hit the liquor hard.

Doubling over to accommodate another tightening, I fumbled through my phone to find Brian’s number and hit call as I let out a low wail. It rang endlessly until it hit his voicemail. I tried again, only to get the same response. For fuck’s sake Brian. I tried Jimmy’s phone instead though I knew he would be dead to the world until midday at least. His phone didn’t even ring. Fucking jackasses, they’re probably all hungover and not waking up any time soon. I dug under my bed and fished out my hospital bag. Holy shit, this is really happening. I tried Brian for a third time but, again, no answer.
“This is Synyster Gates, don’t bother leaving a message,” his voicemail taunted. I left a message anyway, one full of expletives. Fuck it, I’m going to have to get on with the plan. I dragged myself and my bag out of my apartment and down to the street.
“This is Synyster Gates-”
“Fuck you!” I screeched at his voicemail, another wave of pain passing through me. Waving an arm, I managed to hail a lone cab. The driver took one look at me and shook his head.
“Nope, not taking you,” he said, plainly.
“What?! I need to get to the hospital, asshole!” I raged at him.
“Not in my cab, you’re not. I don’t want the dry cleaning bill,” he shrugged and drove off leaving me stranded. I stood with my mouth agape until another contraction hit me.
Hellooo? Do something, you moron. What do I do? I don't know what to do.
“This is Synyster Gates, don’t bother-”
Fucking Brian. I paced up and down the pavement, trying to figure out what to do. I could only think of one option and I knew Brian would go mad but I couldn’t think of any other way to get to where I needed to be.

“Just breathe through it.”
“Oh fuck off, Adam. You breathe through it, douchebag,” I snarled from the back seat of his car.
“You’re seriously charming today, Aubrey,” he laughed his stupid laugh and I was ready to hit him.
“Can you go any faster? Adam please, it really hurts,” I switched to pleading.
“I can appreciate that it hurts, Aubrey, but I’m trying to get you there in one piece,” he replied. I narrowed my eyes and threw my fingers up at his seat. He sighed with a smirk.
“I can see you in the mirror, you know?”
“Oh, fuck off,” I spat, curling up into another moan. Once it had passed, I tried phoning Brian again, no luck. I groaned at his lack of availability.
“Still not picking up?” Adam asked, sympathetically. I shook my head, wearily, trying again.
“This is Syn-”
“FUCKING FUCKFACE!” I shrieked, making Adam jump. He glanced at me in the mirror.
“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you focus on you and as soon as we get to the hospital, I will track Brian down and get him here with you, ok?” he asked, calmly. I thought about this for a while before quietly agreeing. It wasn’t a bad plan, especially as I couldn’t think straight through my contractions and stressing about Brian was not helping matters.

Somehow, I survived the rest of the drive and I gasped with relief as Adam parked up at the hospital. He helped me out of the car, pausing midway for me to bend over in pain once more, and walked me to the Labor and Delivery ward. As soon as I had a nurse with me, he hugged me tightly.
“I’m gonna find him, ok? You look after you and baby, I’ll take care of ‘Fucking Fuckface’,” he said, with a smirk. I grabbed his arm as he turned to leave.
“Thank you,” I uttered as the pain started building again. He nodded and swiftly exited, leaving me with the nurse.

My fringe is plastered to my face with sweat. Jesus, this is hard work.
“When does the baby get here?” I whimpered to the nurse as she examined me. She smiled sympathetically.
“You’re not ready yet. You need to be 10cm dilated, you’re currently at 5cm so you have a bit of a wait at the moment,” she answered. My mouth dropped at her.
“That far away?” I said in disbelief, “but it hurts so muuuch,” I wailed.
“Would you like pain relief? I can get gas and air for you,” she offered. I nodded vigorously and she pulled a mask from the wall. “Just breathe into the mask when you feel a contraction - so now,” she finished as I started up the low moan that came with my tightenings. I took deep breaths into the mask but the pain was still building.
“It’s not working,” I groaned, dropping the mask. She picked it up and passed it back to me.
“Keep going with it,” she encouraged. I took deep breaths again. Eventually, my mind start to feel like it was melting. I could still feel the pain, but I couldn’t have cared less about it. I was above that now, on a higher level.
“Oh wow,” I exclaimed, dreamily. “This stuff is good.”
A chuckle came from the doorway, Adam.
“Is he coming?” I slurred, slowly coming back up from the feeling. Adam nodded and grinned.
“Prince Charming is on his way as we speak. Just cross your legs for a bit, he’s got a 2 hour flight.”
“What the FUCK? He’ll never get here in time!” I wailed, tears starting to well up in my eyes.
“Actually,” put in the nurse, “He’ll probably get here in plenty of time.”
“I don’t know if that’s comforting or fucking terrifying that I have well over 3 hours of this left,” I groaned. Adam rubbed my back.
“I’ll stay until he gets here,” he smiled, “if you want me to, of course.”
“Yes, please do,” I didn’t even hesitate. I did not want to be alone and right now, I didn’t care what Brian would say about it.

Another contraction; more gas and air; another long, low moan. It’s been 3 hours and there’s no sign of Brian yet. I look like absolute shit. At least the gas and air is taking the edge off, even if it does make me feel drunk. I feel like I’m slowed down whilst the rest of the world carries on at normal speed. Even my voice is slow and deep.
“Are you ok?” Adam asked, looking concerned.
“I sound like Barry White,” I slurred at him.
He snorted, “You really don’t.” I shot him a look and began to sing.
“The first, the last, my everythiiiing,” I warbled in my deep baritone. He laughed hysterically, almost on the floor. I raised an eyebrow.
“Can I tell you something, as a doctor?” he chuckled.
I squinted at him, “Go on.”
“You only sound weird to yourself, everyone else hears you normally. But don’t let that stop you, it was a truly, great performance,” he applauded me as I blushed.
“Fucking Jesus,” I grumbled, taking more gas and air to counter a contraction. This only made him laugh harder. And of course, it was when I was high as fuck and Adam was splitting his sides that the entire of Avenged walked in.
“Brian,” I garbled, trying to gather myself. “Am I Barry White?”
“Alright, everyone out. Two people maximum,” demanded the nurse, looking mildly annoyed at the large crowd. Avenged filed out save for Brian. He approached Adam and gave him a nod.
“Thanks for getting hold of me, man. I appreciate it,” he said, even managing a hint of gratitude.
“Barry White is all yours,” Adam replied, slapping Brian’s back as he made to leave. Brian gave me a thoroughly confused look.
“Don’t ask,” I muttered, as my head started clearing again. I grabbed at his hand. “I’m so glad you made it.”
“Me too,” he agreed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here from the start.”
“I don’t care, you’re here now and that’s all I care about,” I replied, grateful. The nurse swept back into the room, pulling a glove on.

After another awkward exam, the nurse gave me a stellar smile.
“Guess who’s ready to have a baby?” she beamed. I groaned, loudly.
“I’ve been ready for the last 8 hours,” I retorted, not sure whether I was happy about what was coming or not. I decided I was absolutely terrified. Brian took his place by my head and held my hand as tight as he could, stroking my hair with the other.
“Nervous?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“Excited as fuck,” he grinned back.

Notes

Now, see? What would we have done without Adam? But hey, BABY GATES TIME!

The good old Barry White dialogue was inspired by own experience with gas and air. Yes, I unfortunately sang Barry White to my midwife and consultant. Never living that down.