My periods had always been all over the place, I’d even been told I couldn’t have kids by doctors and so we hadn’t exactly been careful. I’d put the mood swings, tiredness and weight gain down to being stressed out following Syn on tour. I’d not had any sickness or cravings, nothing that screamed ‘PREGNANT’. It was only when I started getting strange feelings in my stomach that I’d gone to the doctors.

“Could you be pregnant?” she asked after I’d told her about the weird flutterings.
“What? No way, I can’t be. I mean, literally can’t be. I don’t ovulate,” I said, with a shake of my head. The doctor looked up from her computer.
“All the same, I think a urine sample is the first course of action, to rule out pregnancy or a UTI. Then we can look at an ultrasound scan if the urine test bears no fruit,” she replied, handing me a small pot to pee into.
“Right. Should I go do this now?” I asked her. She nodded and pointed to a room to the side where a toilet was. She had two strips ready when I returned. She dipped the first one into the sample.
“Good news, no sign of infection,” she smiled at me, throwing the first test into the bin. She got the second test strip and my heart jumped into my throat. She dipped it in the sample and put it to the side. As we waited for the results to develop, I got this feeling of dread in my stomach. Pregnancy was starting to make sense. The doctor picked up the test and I closed my eyes, willing it to be anything other than positive.

“Congratulations Aubrey, looks like you’re having a baby!” She smiled, showing me the positive pregnancy test. “I’ll refer you to your OB/GYN to get you a dating ultrasound. You’ll need to start taking prenatal vitamins right away. Would you like to go through the options you have?”
“I haven’t… I don’t…” I trailed off. I honestly had no clue where I was at.
“Don’t worry, take some time to think about it, but it’s likely if you’re feeling movement that you may need to hurry and make that decision.” She turned and grabbed a handful of leaflets from the wall and shoved them into my hands. I looked down at them wearily. Amongst the pregnancy guides were pamphlets about abortion and adoption. Even at this moment feeling so unsure, I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I guess I was having a baby… She broke me out of my thoughts as she spoke up again.
“I have to ask if you’ve been drinking or smoking? Or taking any drugs?”
“No drugs but I have been drinking a little. Smoking too…” I looked down at my feet. “I honestly had no clue that I was pregnant or I wouldn’t have been, I swear.”
“Look, don’t worry about what has been, just focus on the now,” the doctor smiled sympathetically. “Stop drinking, try and stop smoking or at least cut down as much as possible and take your vitamins. I’ll get your OB/GYN to call you with your scan appointment.”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m sat in a rental car outside the hospital. I’ve been here for an hour now and had been crying my eyes out until about 5 minutes ago. How was I going to tell Brian? He would think I was trapping him or after his money. Jesus, I’d told him I couldn’t have kids so we didn’t need condoms, I sure look like a liar now. We’d only been together a year and the last 3 months I’d been with him whilst he toured. They still have over 4 months of tour left. How am I supposed to drop this fucking bombshell? I jumped as my phone rang. Seeing ‘Syn’ flash across the screen, I groaned inwardly and rejected the call. I couldn’t talk to him on the phone. I switched it off and turned the key in the ignition. The engine roared into life and I closed my eyes. Just do it. Go there and do it. All you have to say is “I’m pregnant” and then you can get the hell out. Taking a deep breath, I shifted into reverse and started the drive back.

“Hey Aubrey, what’s up?” Jimmy was sat outside the tour bus with a beer in hand, letting the morning sun beat down on his back. I nodded in his direction but couldn’t bring myself to make small talk so I headed straight for the bus. Synyster was sat at the back with Matt. They were joking about something and Matt threw back his head in laughter. Here I come to ruin the day. Brian looked up and waved me over.
“Aubrey! Remember after that show in fucking Rome when Zack drank like 20 of those shots and fucking puked-” He couldn’t finish the story as he and Matt both exploded into laughter.
“Another one!” Matt raised a finger, imitating Zacky’s voice causing Brian to snort even harder with laughter. I smiled weakly at them and nodded.
“Yeah, yeah I remember,” I answered him, quietly. God, I can’t even look him in the eyes. He noticed my demeanour and his smile dropped a little.
“Back in a sec, man,” he said to Matt as he got up. He walked over to where I was standing and dropped his voice low. “Everything go ok at the doctors? You look like shit.”
“Gee thanks!” I scoffed. “I need to talk to you, Bri.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” he murmured, looking at me closely and raising an eyebrow. “Come on, we’ll go somewhere more private. See you later, Matt!”

We started walking to the nearest bar, both quiet and thoughtful. We got to the door and I hung back. This could be the last ever conversation I have with Syn, right here in this bar. He pushed on ahead to the bar and got us a couple of beers. We sat at a table in a quiet corner and I clutched the beer that I wasn’t allowed to drink nervously.
“So,” Brian began, “What did the docs say?” He took a swig of his beer. I picked at the label on my bottle and sighed. Now or never. Just say it.
“I… She said that I’m…” I froze up. Synyster tilted his head and waited. Fuck… I can’t do it. I just can’t. No! I have to. Just do it, say it. COME ON, AUBREY! Fucking say it!
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out as quickly as possible. I stared at my beer so that I didn’t have to see his reaction. He’s quiet for the moment. My heart is beating so loud I think it might burst out my chest. I can’t bear the silence. Say something Syn, anything.
“Oh.” He managed. I got the courage to look up at his face. I couldn’t really read his expression but, like me, he clearly wasn’t thrilled. He opened his mouth again. “I thought-”
“Yeah, I thought that too. I swear I didn’t say it to trick you and I don’t need you to stick around or give me money or anything like that. I didn’t know I could Syn, I promise I didn’t know. I’m as surprised as you are. You don’t have to be involved. I can just head home and quietly disappear if you want.” I lowered my eyes again and went back to picking my beer label. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence until he broke it.
“Well, you won’t be needing that,” he said, pulling the beer out of my hands. “Are you… How long… When did this happen?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I’m as in the dark as you are. I have a scan soon to find out what’s going on. Look, I’m just going to go home. It’s better for everyone. I’ll see you round.” I stood. He made no move to stop me and so, I left. He didn’t follow or call me back, just sat there not saying a word.

I grabbed my stuff from the bus and waved to the guys who had all joined Jimmy outside in the sun.
“Uhh, I’ll catch you guys later. I gotta head home for a bit,” I called. They all looked puzzled.
“Everything alright, Aubrey?” I heard Zacky shout after me.
“Yep. Just got a… family emergency.” I replied gravely and set off, ignoring their calls behind me. Looks like I won’t hear from Syn any time soon. There was no sign of him on my walk to get a cab. Must be drinking himself to a standstill in that bar.

Before long I spotted a cab and was on my way to the airport and, subsequently, back home to Cali. The flight was long and uncomfortable but at last I made it to Long Beach. Just half an hour and I can be home to try and sort my fucking head out. I managed to hail a cab fairly quickly and before I knew it, I was pulling up to the door of my apartment. I paid my fare and grabbed my bags. As soon as I was in the door, I slumped against the wall and slid down until I was on the floor. The tears started falling thick and fast and a wail escaped my throat. Oh god, I’m going to ugly cry. At least no is here to see it I thought, and with that I completely gave into the pressure that had been building in my chest and broke down.

Notes

Forgive me if I'm messing up terminology/geography etc. I'm British and I could probably have put more effort into googling American states but, man, America is pretty big, huh? I totally nailed 'OB/GYN' though, didn't even have to google that one - woo!