My feet began to shuffle down the aisle of the church slowly. The church where him and I would have become man and wife if we waited enough time to plan everything. The church that almost started my perfect life...and the one that was fixing to end it.

The black veil that shielded my tears from the world covered my face in saddening way. There was pure silence throughout the room, and not a single noise could be heard as I made my way to see him. My beautiful husband...he looked so peaceful just laying there. His beautiful hazel eyes closed off from me, his hands crossed on top of his stomach, the content look on his face. He was still beautiful, even in death.

His skin had not yet completely faded. It still contained a hint of a golden color. The touch of it though...the touch of it was all wrong. He was supposed to be warm and comfortable. Now he was cold and fragile.

As I took the last remaining steps up to his casket, tears started to fall onto my provided trail. I did not want anyone to hear me cry, I feel like they have had enough of it. I stood over his cold body. My hand rested on top of his as I let more tears fall.

How I wish for just one second, that he would wake up and smile at me. I would give anything to see his dimples, or the way that his eyes lit up when he looked at me.

The room of four hundred and thirty two people remained quiet. Giving me time to compose myself. Although to their dismay, I would never be able to compose myself. Not when I had to see him like this. Dead.

Death..

The definition of death is the destruction or permanent end of something.

When people talk about death, they...they say it so lightly like it means nothing. Every person who has lost a loved one tells you that we are all going to die someday, so nonchalantly like that makes it any easier to cope with loss. Why did someday have to arrive so early for my husband? They never explain that part to us.

They do explain where we are supposed to go when we die. Some supernaturally magical place filled with happiness. A paradise that we mentally create when we are still living. I cannot help but wonder how Matthew could be in any sort of paradise without us, his family. He left his brothers behind, me, his children, and his legacy...all because of one single person who made a bad choice without any repercussions for themselves. I would never want to wish death upon anyone, but if I had the chance to choose, that drunk driver would be the one in the casket in front of me. Fate has a funny way of showing it cares.

He never had the chance to hold his children, and he won't be with me the day that they arrive to this world. He won't be able to see them take their first steps, or hear their first laugh. He won't be here to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary...he wasn't even here to celebrate our one day wedding anniversary.

The church bells started to erupt in my ears. The sight of the angels were painted on a stained glass window above his casket. He was now one of those angels. I slowly placed a single kiss onto his forehead, feeling his cold skin against mine.

'I love you Matt, and so do your children. You mean everything to me and I swear on everything I have that I will never forget you. You will always remain my world. Watch over us and keep us safe baby.' I whispered and placed one more kiss on his lips. I wanted to turn and leave, but part of me felt like I couldn't. Part of me felt like even though he was gone in spirit, that his body needed me. I stood there until it was time to take him to the cemetery. Brian and Jimmy walked me back down the aisle with their arms around my shoulders to ease me along. We were all wearing aviator sunglasses, as a salute to our fallen angel.

When we arrived to the cemetery and they set his casket onto the machine that would send him six feet under, my heart officially broke into a million little pieces that I would never be able to pick up again. I held onto Jimmy as he cried onto me, our hysterical sobs the only noise that could be heard. He grabbed my hand and walked me forward to place our roses on his casket. As the beautiful white flowers fell down to him along with our tears, my knees finally gave out. I was no longer strong, I was weak and defeated. Death had finally broken me and I did not want to try to beat it. It was always going to win because it took away the thing that meant most to me. The love of my life.

I shot up in my bed with a piercing scream escaping from my lungs. My breath was uneven and my sheets were drenched with sweat. I turned on the lamp on my bedside table to check the time. It was only two thirty in the morning. I had only been sleeping for four hours and there was no way I was going back to sleep now. Brian ran in out of breath, rubbing his eyes.

"Ivy, honey what's wrong?" He asked climbing next to me and pulling me into his arms.

"I had the nightmare again, Bri." I cried, watching tears land onto his lap. "I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep now. I hate that this nightmare never goes away. I never wake up next to him, knowing that I can tell myself he is safe and sound and that it was all just a dream...this is never going to go away." I sighed.

"Don't worry I had a bad one about him, too. I have been laying in bed staring at the ceiling since one." He sighed, pulling me closer to his chest. There were very few places I felt safe anymore, but in Brian's arms was definitely one of them.

We laid there in comfortable silence for a few minutes, staring at the full, bright moon outside my wall length windows.

"You know, I could go for a midnight snack right about now."

"Brian it's almost three in the morning, we're way past midnight."

"How about ice cream? There's a place in town that's open all night, it's called insomnia cookies. They have a really good mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich and I know that's you're faaavorite." He sang, slightly nudging my arm

I rolled my eyes. "It's also snowing outside, are you sure you want ice cream? We have some delicious hot chocolate I can make for you." I chuckled.

He paused to think for a moment, tapping his finger against his chin theatrically. "Ice cream it is. Get dressed." He smirked, jumping out of bed and running towards his room down the hall.

I walked into the boys' nursery to make sure they were tucked in before I turned the thermostat up to eighty. It took awhile for the system to warm up the giant house so it should be warm by the time we came back home. I had a bad habit of forgetting to turn on the heater at night. Central heating was something that was rarely used back in California.

I ran back to my room to quickly throw on some sweat pants and one of Matt's old over-sized hoodies, and met Brian at the end of the staircase by the front door.

"Are the boys staying warm?" He asked, grabbing his keys off of the console table.

"Safe, sound, and snuggled." I smiled, following him out the door before making sure it was all locked up. I reached into my pocket and sent a quick text to Pixie in case anyone woke up and couldn't find us.

Going out for ice cream at three a.m. with psycho Brian. We will be home soon! xxoo

He slowly backed out of the driveway, being careful not to slide around on the heavy snow, and headed down the road to get back towards downtown. He didn't want to take the main roads, because it was too risky to drive in a post-snowstorm like this one. We lived about fifteen minutes from town, so it took us a little longer than that considering how slow he had to drive. Once we hit the parking lot of our destination, we practically ran inside to the toasty establishment. We both let out a sigh of relief as the warm air hit our bodies making us melt.

"Pick a table, I'll go order." He smiled. We weren't the only ones who wanted desert this late. There were a few other people sitting around me laughing and talking away. Almost five minutes passed until Brian appeared in front of me with two large banana splits.

"You got no pineapple on mine right?" I smiled.

"Of course, no pineapple.I know you all too well. I also ordered one of those mint chocolate chip sandwiches I talked about earlier to go. Just hide it at home. I think Jimmy is like a bloodhound when it comes to finding hidden snacks." He chuckled handing me the treat without the yellow substance in the middle.

"I'm sorry you keep having these nightmares Ivy, I wish I could make them stop." He frowned shoving a large bite of the ice cream into his mouth. I chuckled as a bit of it smeared onto the side of his lips. I reached over and wiped it off with my finger, licking it afterwards.

"I wasn't going to let that go to waste." I chuckled at his aroused expression. "And don't be sorry, there really is nothing you can do. I just wish my brain would get it together and hand over some good dreams of him." I shrugged.

As we continued to eat our delicious deserts, a family walked into the doors together. There was a mother, father and a little toddler boy. I practically sank into the booth, sadness coming over me as I thought about how that was supposed to be Matt and I. Brian turned to see what I was looking at and caught on quickly to my expression.

"Don't worry Ives, things will fall into place for you soon I promise. I'm sure someone up there has something big in store for you. They wouldn't just leave you empty handed, I'm sure." He frowned rubbing my hand.

"I know, I just really miss him you know? I think about trying to move on all the time but I just can't. I feel like he was the only man I was supposed to love forever. He promised me forever, and then it just disappeared." My sadness caused me to inhale the rest of my ice cream as comfort food, leading me to inhale the snack he bought me for a later time along with it. I couldn't help but chuckle at myself.

"What is it?" He smirked.

"This is going to do so many terrible things to my ass and your gut." I laughed.

"Excuse me what gut? I keep this body in shape, girl." He waved his finger around and laughed.

We couldn't help but fill the entire room with our laughter causing people to stare. "Wow I haven't laughed like this in awhile." He smiled.

"You're tellin' me." I smirked.

We finished up the rest of our desert and headed back to his car, letting the heater warm us up from the short walk outside.

"What do you say we don't go home yet?" He smirked.

"It's already four thirty what else do you have in mind?" I chuckled.

"Let's drive up to sunrise mountain. It's maybe a twenty minute drive from here and the view is gorgeous." He smiled.

"Okay, fine, but we need to get back to the boys soon. They'll wake up starving."

The scenery of Aspen covered in snow was absolutely breath taking. It's times like these where I actually appreciate that I am still alive. I watched as we drove deeper and deeper into the mountain trails. It was five by the time we reached sunrise mountain, named after the fact that it faces the best side of the village to watch the sun come up.

"What are we supposed to do for an entire hour? The sun won't start to rise until six." I chuckled.

"We are going to talk. You are going to tell me everything that has been happening with you lately and I will do the same. It will be good to get some things off of our chest." He smiled.

For once, this was actually a good thing. Everyone has been trying to get me to talk to them about how I've been feeling, especially Jimmy, but I never really wanted to talk to anyone. I never really saw the point because I knew they were feeling what I was feeling to an extent. I would feel selfish going on and on about my loss when I knew they were still coping as well. This time though, was different. Brian offered to tell me what he was thinking too, which is something everyone else neglected to do. It made me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't the only one who would ramble.

The hour flew by faster than we could ever imagine. The bright rays of the sun started to blind us from the other side of the mountains. It was rising quickly this morning. The beauty of the scenery was interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Hey Ives, I just got your text. The boys woke up screaming and I'm not exactly sure what to do." Pixie yawned.

"Hey babe, make them bottles and try to feed them. They are more than likely just hungry. We will be home asap." I shoved my phone back into my pocket so we could enjoy the last remaining minutes of the beautiful Colorado sunrise making its way to us entirely.

"The twins woke up so step on it as fast as you can without sliding off of this cliff." I chuckled.

He smirked and started to drive back down the mountains. I looked out to the sunrise once more before it disappeared completely from sight. It took us less time to get home since the sun helped us out and melted some of the snow on the trail. When we walked into the house I ran upstairs to see why my sons were crying.

"Baby boys what's wrong, mommy is here." I smiled putting both of their pacifiers in their mouths. As soon as they saw me giant smiles spread across their faces. They both held out their arms for me to pick them up. I picked up Kieran first knowing getting Matt would be easier second. Kieran weighs almost five pounds more than Matthew, so carrying them at the same time was killer. I carefully walked down the stairs and sat them in their feeding chairs for breakfast.

"Brian do you mind watching them while I get their food out?" I smiled.

I looked behind me to see him already playing with them. I admired the three of them as I pulled jars from the cabinet and dumped them into bowls, grabbing them and placing one in front of Brian.

"You get to feed Kieran today." I smiled.

"But Kieran spits the food out everywhere and laughs at me." He frowned.

"He is Jimmy's favorite little monster, what do you expect? Of course he is going to give you a hard time." I laughed.

As we started to feed them, we heard footsteps and looked up to see Jimmy stumbling down the stairs. Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.

"Oh my goodness I missed you two so so soooo much!" He smiled kissing the boys as they giggled.

"Good morning best friend." I smiled.

"What in the actual fuck is the time right now?" He pouted.

"James, language!" I scolded, "You are currently up bright and early at seven in the morning. Go outside, have some coffee, get some fresh air." I chuckled patting him on the back.

I walked into the kitchen to rinse out the food bowls and bottles as I felt a pair of warm arms wrap around my waist. I looked to see a smiling, sleepy Brian behind me.

"I'm tiwerrrd." He frowned, mumbling like a baby and placing his chin on my shoulder as I finished up the dishes.

"Go upstairs and get some sleep, hun. I'm going to be up with the boys for a while." I ruffled his hair and watched him head upstairs. As I wiped my hands and stared out the giant window of my kitchen, I smiled at the sight of the full, bright, beautiful sun.

At that moment I knew that somewhere in that sky, the love of my life was helping to make it shine so bright for us today.

Notes

As of Chapter 1-Readers: 34 Subcribers: 2
Thank you all so much for your support in this. The next chapter will be in Matt's POV, so stick around for that. I am about to begin writing it and it will be posted in an hour or so! I have so many ideas! Comments are always appreciated, and feedback helps me with faster updates to confirm my ideas. What do you guys think so far??

xxoo, Leagh