Can't Remember to Forget You

I had a slight headache when I woke up the next day, but nothing a little Tylenol couldn't handle. Zacky was still sleeping quite peacefully next to me and I tried not to disturb him as I reached over to the nightstand to grab my phone. The only thing of interest when I checked for notifications was a text from Claire, asking if I wanted to meet her and the other girls for lunch and a bit of shopping. I typed out a quick response to Claire, letting her know she could pick me up from my apartment in thirty minutes, and I'd just hit send when I felt Zacky's arm slip over my waist.

"No, you're not going," he mumbled. I looked over and saw the sleepy smile on his face. "You've got to stay here with me."

"Were you snooping on my messages?" I teased. I reached to put the phone back on the nightstand as Zacky pulled me even closer, nuzzling his face into the curve of my neck. He mumbled something that sounded like admission and I laughed. "Let me up."

"No, you're staying here with me."

"Zacky, let me up. I told Claire they could pick me up in thirty minutes and I need to get ready."

"Come on, Wowza, you know you'd rather spend the day with me," Zacky said and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was smirking.

"Well you are pretty cute," I said. Zacky laughed. "But I'd still like to have a little girl time. I'll come back when we're done, I promise." This seemed to appease Zacky and he moved his arm enough for me to slip out of the bed. I knew that I probably needed to at least pop into the bookstore today, but the thought of returning to Zacky was much more appealing. It was a tad terrifying, to be honest, just how much comfort I found in his company after only a few short months. It made me a little nervous to think about what that might mean. "Try not to get into too much trouble while I'm gone, okay?" I teased. I turned to walk out the door but I stopped when I heard Zacky calling back to me.

"Don't I get a kiss before you leave?"

"That depends, is it just going to be a kiss this time?"

I only meant it as a joke but the look that passed over Zacky's face told me he didn't entirely take it that way. I felt bad that he felt bad because he didn't need to. I'd been a little uncomfortable last night, but that was my problem, not his. "I'm sorry about that," he said softly. "I just...when I like someone, I've gotten kind of used to showing it in a physical way. And I really like you, Wren."

The surprise of hearing him call me by my actual name was enough to bring a soft smile to my face. "I like you, too," I said. It was strange because I never imagined myself saying that to him out loud, especially so soon. But hearing it made him happy and it made happy to know that he was happy. "Alright, I really need to go now or I won't have any time to get ready before they come to pick me up," I laughed. I leaned down to give Zacky a kiss, feeling him smile against my lips.

"I'll be waiting, Wowza," Zacky said and I just rolled my eyes.

. . .

Back at my apartment, I quickly realized that thirty minutes was not enough time to get ready. I barely had time to change and brush my teeth before Claire was buzzing that they were waiting outside. Deciding to forgo a brush, instead, I combed my fingers through my hair as I locked up and headed downstairs.

I slid into the backseat with Claire and Lacey, feeling Claire's eyes on me as Val pulled away from the curb. "Wren, sweetheart, have you looked in a mirror this morning?" she asked.

I was used to comments like this from Claire but the almost wicked tone to her voice had me wary. "No?" I said, the word sounding more like a question than I had intended. "I was in a rush when I got back to the apartment, I barely had time to brush my teeth. Why, do I really look that awful?"

"Well no." Claire paused, biting back a snicker. "It's just that you have a hickey on your neck. Right underneath your ear."

"I do not."

"Here, have a look." Claire handed me her pocket mirror and I brushed back my hair, looking at the spot where I remembered feeling Zacky's lips. And sure enough, there was a more than noticeable hickey there. I felt my face heat up as I shoved the mirror back into Claire's hands and she laughed. "I guess you guys had fun last night after the party?"

I reached out to give her a shove. "Shut up."

"Alright, we'll leave you alone," Claire said. "But this conversation isn't over."

I rolled my eyes.

. . .

Despite the early bit of teasing, I actually enjoyed spending time with Claire, Val, Michelle, and Lacey. It was nice to have a group of girlfriends since I'd really only had Claire for so many years. And going out and doing these sorts of things, having lunch and going shopping, it had a way of making me feel normal like I was finally getting to experience the things I hadn't had an interest in in the years following my parents' deaths.

As we walked through the mall, Val fell into step next to me. The other three girls walked slightly ahead, having a quiet conversation of their own. "So I feel like you and I haven't really had a chance to talk," she said. "How are things with you and Zacky?"

"They're honestly pretty good," I answered. Ahead, the three others walked into a store and Val and I drifted in behind them. "I didn't think things would go this far but I'm glad they did. He's a sweet guy, a lot more than I gave him credit for at the beginning."

"In all honesty, I wasn't sure what to think when you and Zack first got together," Val said. She stopped in front of a rack of tops and started to pick through them. "I thought he was moving way too fast, you know, trying to have a relationship again. I mean, he and Gena have barely been divorced for a year. And the divorce...it really messed Zacky up. He loved Gena a lot and when he found out about the affair, he wasn't the same, you know? He completely lost his trust. But then he started hanging around you and I've noticed a really positive change in him. He's the happy guy that everybody remembers. I've known Zacky for a long time, just as long as I've known Matt, and he's one of my closest friends. So it's good to see him happy again. And it's all because of you, Wren."

I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to say. "I uh..."

Val laughed. "I'm sorry," she said. "That was probably a lot to take in. What I meant was...I think you and Zacky are good for each other. And you're cute together."

"So you're the one who told him that," I said. Val raised an eyebrow. "Back when...back when Zacky actually asked me to be his girlfriend, he made some comment about how 'everyone' said we were cute together and I guess by everyone he meant you."

Val just smiled, although it almost looked more like a smirk. "No sweetheart, he meant everyone."

After perusing through a few other stores, we decided it was time to leave. Michelle said something about having dinner plans with Brian and Zacky had been texting me for the past fifteen minutes, asking when I was coming back. His last message said something about cooking dinner and honestly, I was eager to be with him again.

"So Wren, are we taking you to Zack's or back to your apartment?" Val asked. She met my gaze in the rearview mirror and I blushed.

"My apartment," I answered. "But uh, I'm going over to Zacky's house after I change clothes. He said he's going to cook dinner. So we'll probably just eat and watch a couple of movies. Or I might dig out my old copy of The Odyssey, Zacky seemed to like it the one time I read it to him."

Claire looked over at me with a mischievous smirk
"I think somebody's been bitten by the love bug," she teased in a sing-song voice. She poked at the hickey on my neck. "Literally."

"Shut up." I tried to keep my tone light and playful, but on the inside, I was starting to panic. Was I in love with Zacky? More to the point, was I ready to admit it? Even though I knew the things Zacky and everyone else had been telling me were true, that I shouldn't let my fears keep me from getting close to Zacky, it was still a hard mentality to shake. And it still terrified me to think that I might have such strong feelings for Zacky. All I could think about was letting myself fall for him and then losing him. I didn't think I could handle that.

It didn't surprise me that almost as soon as I crossed the threshold into my apartment, I had a message from Zacky asking when he could come pick me up. As I stared at the screen, at his name and the little contact picture he'd insisted on taking, and I felt a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach. Fifteen minutes ago I was excited to go back to Zacky's house, but now it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I sent Zacky a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to make it and seconds later, my phone was ringing.

"Is everything okay?" Zacky asked immediately.

A wave of guilt washed over me. "Nothing's wrong, I just...I'm not feeling very good. I think I ate something at lunch that didn't really agree with me."

"Well I can come over to your apartment if you want? I'll make some soup or something."

"I think I just need to rest for a little while," I told him. "I'm sorry." I felt awful for lying to Zacky but I couldn't help it. I was scared and being away from him made it easier for me to deny the feelings that were undeniably growing.

"Maybe tomorrow, then," Zacky said. He sounded disappointed but I knew he wouldn't push the matter. "I hope you feel better soon, Wowza."

As soon as I hung up the phone, I immediately dug in my bag for my pack of cigarettes. I found it near the bottom, slightly crushed by my wallet, and slid out a cigarette. I was trying to quit but right now I needed the soothing feel of nicotine burning in my lungs. It would help calm me down, at least a little. I took a drag from my cigarette as I stretched out on the couch. I didn't bother to turn on the TV, instead just staring at the ceiling.

I was feeling incredibly conflicted, more than I had in quite awhile. I liked Zacky, more than I ever thought I would, and I didn't like the idea of hurting him. He'd gone to so much trouble planning my birthday and making sure I felt special. And remembering Val's little speech...it made things worse. I was happy to know that I had such an effect on Zacky, guilty that despite that, I was avoiding his company, and a bit resentful that Val had piled that information on my shoulders, as well-intentioned as it might have been.

I wanted a normal relationship, I really did, but just like with Clark, I was letting my worry and fear take over. All I could think about was getting close to Zacky, letting myself fall in love with him, and then having him snatched away from me. I couldn't handle losing someone else the way I'd lost my parents. To me, it was easier just to not let them in at all.

. . .

When I turned on my phone the next morning, I knew I would have at least one message from Zacky. Surprisingly, there were only two. One asking if I felt any better and the second asking if I had any plans. I knew Zacky wanted to see me, especially after I canceled our plans last night. But the sour feeling in my stomach still lingered.

My thumbs hovered over the keyboard as I tried to conjure up an excuse. But I couldn't think of one. My main excuse since I'd met Zacky had always been the theater, but Rock of Ages run was over and I'd decided to concentrate on finding a way to get to New York to audition for Broadway instead of auditioning for another local show. And every time I thought of a lie, I thought of Zacky's face and I just couldn't do it.

I'm probably gonna shower and head over to the bookstore
Sent to: Zacky at 10:48 a.m.

I left my answer vague, leaving most of the choice up to Zacky. I knew there was no way I could hold Zacky at arm's length today without a lot of run-around and I just didn't have the time or energy for that. And despite my reservations, I did want to see him.

A few minutes later, just as I was stepping into the bathroom, my phone vibrated and Zacky's message said exactly what I thought it would say. And then seconds later, a second message came through.

I'll stop by the bookstore, then!
Received from: Zacky at 10:52 a.m.

I can't wait to see you again.
Received from: Zacky at 10:52 a.m.

My stomach curdled with guilt and I tossed my phone onto the counter without responding. I was such an awful person and I knew what I was doing wasn't fair to Zacky, but it was so hard to fight, no matter how many times he told me or how much I knew deep down that it would be worth it.

I shook my head. I was overthinking this too much.

Notes