Can't Remember to Forget You

"You know, staring at your phone like that isn't going to help."

I glanced over at Claire, frowning. "Neither are you," I said.

"I'm just saying, text him!" Claire shouted. "Or call. Anything. Because I hate to break it to you, but he's not going to reach out to you."

"Don't you think I tried that?" I asked. "He won't answer. Not that I blame him." It almost seemed like some sort of cosmic justice that it took losing Zacky for me to finally admit to myself how I really felt about him. I hated that that was what it took, but I knew it was my fault. I pushed Zacky away because I was scared of losing him and I'd lost him anyway.

"Well go see him, then!" Claire said. "He can't ignore you if you show up at his house."

"Actually he can, he can slam the door in my face," I pointed out. "Besides, it's been three days. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have done it already."

"Or maybe he's waiting for you to make the first move." Claire seemed like she wanted to say something else, but she paused, sighing softly. "Listen. I know this is difficult for you because as much as you refused to admit it, I know you really care about Zacky. I know you want to sit around your apartment and wallow in your break up with ice cream and shitty movies. But you're leaving for New York in four days. Don't you want to at least know where you and Zacky stand before you go?"

"I do, Claire, but..." I sighed, closing my eyes as I rested my head on the back of the couch. "I just don't know if going to talk to him is a good idea. I mean, you should've seen the look on his face."

"Okay, are you an adult or a teenager?" Claire asked. I opened my eyes, looking over at her with a frown, and she gave a one-shouldered shrug. "I know it won't be the easiest situation in the world, but you care about this guy. A lot. And hell, seeing you put in that much effort might change his mind."

I rolled my eyes. "If it'll shut you up, I'll go. Are you going to drive me?"

"Actually," Here Claire paused, a sheepish grin stretching across her face. "I have to be at work in like, an hour. Hey, don't look at me like that. Take the bus! Or a cab. Zack doesn't live that far away."

"Fine," I huffed. I pushed to my feet. "Alright, get out. Since you have to go to work, apparently. I'm going to take a shower. I smell like chocolate ice cream and sadness."

"I wasn't aware sadness had a smell, but okay," Claire said. "Text me and let me know how things go!"

. . .

Stepping out of the cab, I was a little nervous. What if Zacky didn't want to see me? What if he slammed the door in my face? I already felt like enough of a fool as it was. I had the cab driver drop me off around the corner from Zacky's house just in case I changed my mind and as I rounded the corner, I noticed an extra car in his driveway. At first, I thought it might belong to one of the other guys but then the front door opened and a blonde woman stepped out, I knew I was wrong.

I turned around to climb back into the cab before I realized that he'd already driven away. But I couldn't stay here and I certainly couldn't continue on to Zacky's house when I'd just seen his ex-wife leaving. So I called another cab, lingering just around the corner until it pulled up and then I threw myself inside.

I knew I had no right to feel sorry for myself. I knew I was the one who had driven Zacky away and right back into Gena's arms. But I still did. I still felt sorry for myself and the entire ride back to my apartment, I was barely holding back tears. I felt so stupid. I'd been reluctant at first to see Zacky but I'd naively made myself think that talking to him might actually fix things. But now I realized how stupid I was. I pushed him away and now I had to live with that, had to watch him go running back to his ex-wife.

I knew I needed to find something to keep myself busy or I would drive myself crazy. I couldn't keep sitting around anyway, not with the biggest audition of my life barely two weeks away. And theater had always been one of the biggest comforts in my life, so it was a win-win. It was what helped pull me out of the hole I fell into when my parents died and it would help me do the same now.

"Oh my God, you sound so good!" I jumped at the sound of Claire's voice. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" I grumbled. "Or maybe I should just remember to lock my door."

"Jesus, who pissed in your post toasties?" Claire asked. She dropped down onto the couch, propping her feet up on my coffee table with a groan. "Did your talk with Zacky not go well?"

"It didn't happen."

"Why? Oh my God, did that bastard really slam the door in your face?" Claire frowned. "I'll kill him, Wren."

"He didn't slam the door in my face," I sighed. "I didn't even make it that far. When I got there, Gena was leaving. His ex-wife," I added, seeing the look of confusion on her face.

"His ex-wife? Why was she there?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm an idiot and I drove him right back into her arms?" I asked. I looked down at my lap, squeezing my eyes shut. I'd left before I could see anything but I couldn't help but imagine Zacky embracing her, kissing her. God, I was an idiot.

"Just because she was at his house doesn't mean you drove him back into her arms," Claire said. "You couldn't see it because you were so busy trying to look the other direction, but everybody else saw the way Zacky looked at you. Val told me how happy he'd been since his divorce and I know she told you. Zacky's crazy about you. He wouldn't just go running back to the woman that cheated on him."

I shrugged my shoulders. I'd seen how Zacky had acted whenever Gena or his divorce was brought up. It was silly to think he would just go running back to her. But I just couldn't come up with any other reason that she would be at his house. And if being with Gena made Zack happy...then maybe I should just let him.

"So you're just going to give up?" Claire asked. "You're obviously in love with him but I guess you're still too chicken shit to admit it."

"No, I'm not," I hissed. I pushed to my feet. "And nobody said I'm giving up. But the biggest audition of my life is in two weeks, did you ever think that maybe I want to concentrate on that instead?" I took a deep, shaky breath, running my hands down my face. "I'm going to bed."

"It's nine o'clock," Claire pointed out. She sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I just don't want you to do something you'll regret because you're being stubborn."

"I know." I hugged Claire goodbye, locking the door behind her before I trudged down the hall to my bedroom. It was an absolute mess because I was still packing but I didn't even care; I just shoved some clothes aside so I could flop down onto my bed. I wasn't even really tired but sleep was the only thing I could think of that might give me a little peace. As long as I was awake, I was going to continue to overthink things and that would get me absolutely nowhere.

. . .

"You sure you've got everything? Plane ticket? Your union thing?"

"Yes Claire, I'm sure I've got everything," I said, shooing her away. "Now come on, let's go. I don't want to miss my flight."

Claire nodded, leading the way out of my apartment. I tossed my bag and suitcase into her trunk before settling into the passenger seat, reaching over the buckle the seatbelt. "I wish I could go with you!" Claire exclaimed, pulling out of the parking lot. "You're going to have so much fun exploring New York City. But that's okay. I'll just come and visit once you're a big Broadway star and you can show me around."

I scoffed playfully. "I'm glad you have such faith in me." Truth be told, I'd never been so nervous in my entire life. I knew it was unlikely that I would get more than a swing part, but I would still be over the moon to get even that. A swing part might not get me any stage time but it would get my foot in the door and in the end, that was what mattered.

But the excitement of my trip was tainted just a bit by the thought of Zacky. I'd done a pretty good job of focusing on the preparation for my audition over the past few days but he was still at the back of my mind and it soured my stomach whenever I thought about how much I wished he was coming along with me to New York.

"Uh, Claire, where the hell are we going?" I asked, realizing that she'd missed a turn. "You should've taken a left back there."

"I know." I raised an eyebrow and Claire sighed. "I just can't let you go to New York without talking to Zack."

"Claire, I swear to God."

"Just talk to him," she said. "Okay? Just talk to him and then I'll take you to the airport, I promise."

I knew that if I argued enough, Claire would turn around and take me to the airport. But I didn't want to. At the very least, I wanted to see Zacky before I left for New York. Ten minutes later, Claire pulled up alongside the curb in front of Zacky's house and killed the ignition. She looked at me expectantly and I took a deep breath before I stepped out of the car.

My footsteps felt sluggish as I made my way up the sidewalk. What if Zacky didn't want to see me? Or what if Gena was here? What if he didn't even answer the door and I just looked like a fool standing here on his porch? Taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock on the door. I heard nothing for a few seconds and I was afraid that Zacky was ignoring me. But just as I was turning to walk away I heard footsteps approaching from inside and then the door opened.

"Wren." The way Zacky said my name made my stomach do somersaults. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you." The words slipped out before I could stop them. Not that I would have wanted to, anyway. "And...And I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. You...You're so sweet and amazing and you just...you deserve better than me. So I don't blame you for going back to Gena--"

"Whoa, back to Gena?" Zacky repeated, sounding confused. "What are you talking about?"

"A few days ago I...I came over to see you," I admitted. "But I saw Gena leaving and I just assumed you were getting back together with her."

Zacky scoffed. "Hell no," he said. "She was here because she heard that we broke up and she was going to try and weasel her way back in. She was leaving because I told her to." I was admittedly relieved to hear that Zacky hadn't gone running back to Gena but I knew that wasn't the end of our problems. I'd still hurt Zacky because I was selfish and scared.

"So...is that it?" Zacky asked.

I looked at him, confused. "What do you mean is that it?"

"I mean, is that fucking it?" Zacky asked again, his tone now unexpectedly hostile. "Is that all you have to say? You came over here and gave me a half-assed apology and you were expecting what? Me to just...forgive you? It's not that simple."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" I asked. I was trying to stay calm, trying not to yell at him because well, he deserved to be angry. I had no reason to yell at him except for my own frustration. "I know I messed up. I should've talked to you about it sooner. Okay? I know. But I couldn't let things end like that. You deserve better than that. Because you are worth it. You're worth fighting through the fear."

At first, Zacky was silent and I was a little afraid that he was going to tell me to leave, that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. And I wouldn't blame him, as heartbroken as I would be. But then he smiled - just barely, but a smile all the same and just like that, I felt my worries melt away. "Did you uh, did you want to come in?" Zacky asked. "I was just about to make something to eat if you're hungry."

"I can't," I said, and I hated to say it. A frown appeared on Zacky's face and I reached out to grab his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I want to but my flight leaves in about two hours."

"Your flight?" Zacky repeated. For a short second he looked confused but before I could explain, he'd already figured it out. "You're going to New York."

"My audition is in two weeks," I explained. "I'm going early because I wanted to do a little sightseeing."

"I'll go with you."

"You don't have to--" I started but Zacky cut me off.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to," he said. "It's not like I have shit to do here and besides," He paused, smiling again and I couldn't help but smile, too. "I think we still have some talking to do, don't you?"

I nodded. "I'll go tell Claire." I watched Zacky disappear into his house before I turned around and went back to the car, motioning for Claire to roll down the passenger window. "Pop the trunk. I need to get my bags out."

"Why?" she asked.

"Zack's going to drive me," I explained and Claire grinned. "He's actually upstairs packing a bag."

"What, he's going with you?" Claire asked. She seemed rather shocked considering the fact that bringing me to Zacky's house was her idea. I nodded and she grinned again, reaching down to pop the trunk. She almost seemed more excited about this than I was. "Be careful! Have fun! And good luck! Hopefully, by next year we'll all be going to New York to watch you perform on Broadway!"

"I definitely hope so," I said, laughing. I waved to Claire as she drove away before carrying my bags over to Zacky's car. A few minutes later he was coming outside, popping the trunk so he could put our luggage inside. The ride to the airport was mostly quiet but it was a comfortable silence. I never really realized until I'd been away from Zacky how much I enjoyed his company. Or maybe I just wasn't willing to admit it until now.

"You can go on ahead and go through security," Zacky said, looking over at me as he adjusted the strap of the duffel bag on his shoulder. Since he had no ticket and needed one to get through security, he had to wait in like to purchase one and up until now, I'd been planning on waiting with him.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I don't mind waiting with you for a little while."

"It doesn't take two people to wait in line," Zacky said with a cheeky grin. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, from which he extracted a twenty. "Go. Once you're through, you can buy me a coffee. And one for you, too."

"I'll be waiting at my gate," I said, smiling as I took the money. "7A."

. . .

"My flight leaves at 4:05," Zacky said, dropping into the seat next to me. "There's a two-hour fucking layover in Denver, so I should land at Newark at..." He paused, glancing at his ticket. "...2:56 a.m? Jesus Christ."

"Yeah, but that's eastern time," I pointed out and Zacky groaned. "It would technically only be 11:56 our time."

Zacky groaned. "God, I just remembered how much I hate flying. Crossing time zones and all that shit."

I laughed softly, reaching out to give his knee a squeeze. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm really glad you're coming with me. I...I was going to invite you before--"

"Stop," Zacky interrupted. He laid his hand on top of mine. "We can talk about this later. When we're in New York and after I've slept for about twelve hours."

All I could think to do was nod. Zacky was right; we were in a crowded airport and my flight would be boarding any minute now. This was a conversation best left until we had the time and privacy. And sleep, as Zacky had pointed out. My flight was direct but I was still crossing timezones and I hadn't really slept last night because I was too nervous and excited.

When it was finally time to board my flight, I pulled my hand away from Zacky's knee, reaching down to grab my.carry-on as I pushed to my feet. I clutched my ticket in my hand, looking at Zacky almost expectantly. "I've got to board the plane now," I said. "I'll be waiting for you at the hotel."

"Well hey, don't I get a kiss?" Zacky asked, cracking a grin. "I think I kind of deserve it. You know, for being such a good boyfriend." I was admittedly caught off guard by Zacky's last comment but he cut me off before I could say a word about it. "We'll talk later, remember? Just kiss me before you miss your flight."

I stood up on my tiptoes to kiss Zacky, smiling as I felt his arm slip around my waist. It surprised me how quickly things had turned around and even though I knew this wasn't the end of it, I was still happy. "I've really got to go," I said, pulling away. I adjusted the strap of the bag on my shoulder as I offered Zacky a soft smile. My group had already started to board so I slipped into my place in line, handing the attendant my boarding pass.

Entering the tunnel, I turned around to wave goodbye to Zacky. Seeing him standing there, realizing he'd dropped everything for me, brought something to the surface I'd been trying to bury for the longest time. And I knew now that he deserved to hear it. "Zack," I called out. "I love you."

Notes