Sunrise

Johnny trudged along in the near-darkness, kicking at the ground as he made his way along the sidewalk. He'd been contemplating doing this for months now, but true to his nature, he'd kept finding ways to put it off. But lately, his feelings of hopelessness had been piling up and losing his job yesterday had been the kick in the face that pushed him over the edge. There was no point in continuing on like this anymore; the years of suffering he'd already been through were more than enough. It was finally time to end things.

It's not like anyone will miss me anyway, I'm just a worthless fucking faggot.

Johnny had formulated his plan almost as soon as the thought of taking his own life had entered his mind. Over the years of sleepless nights, Johnny had started to find a strange comfort in the sunrise; it was cliche, but it made him think that maybe the coming day wouldn't be so bad, that maybe he would be able to feel even a tiny shred of happiness. Johnny wanted one last taste of that strange comfort, so he was going to watch the sunrise one last time and then jump off of a bridge. It was a quick enough way to die, he thought. And at least the last thing he ever saw would be the one thing he found beauty and comfort in.

There was a slight breeze blowing as the sky began to transition from night to day, fingers of pink and orange stretching across the pitch black expanse. Johnny leaned against the bridge's railing, gripping tight to the cool metal. He decided he would climb over onto the ledge and then jump, that would be easiest. And the drop was far enough that if he landed just so, he wouldn't feel a thing. He was getting anxious; he wanted to do it now and he'd pitched his weight forward to climb over when an unfamiliar voice called out to him.

"Oh hey, I didn't expect anyone else to be out here." The voice was lofty, much too cheerful for this hour of the morning. But the face Johnny saw when he turned around fit it perfectly, all smiles and shining cerulean eyes. The man's smile faltered a bit when he noticed Johnny's troubled demeanor, but only slightly. "What are you doing out here so early? Come to watch the sunrise?"

"Yeah," Johnny grumbled. He cast his gaze down to the ground.

The man came over to stand next to Johnny, mimicking his pose and leaning against the rail. "My name's Jimmy," he said next. "What's yours?"

"Johnny," he replied. Johnny kept his gaze trained on the ground but studied this Jimmy fellow out of the corner of his eye. Johnny didn't understand why he was here. He'd never run into anyone else out here before, so why today of all days? If this was some sort of cosmic ploy to convince Johnny to change his mind, it was a weak attempt. The unexpected arrival of a stranger wasn't enough to break through years of suffering. But Johnny knew that nothing could be done while Jimmy was here. Johnny was sure that as he soon as he made the move to step over the railing, as soon as it clicked in Jimmy's mind why Johnny was truly here, Jimmy would try to prevent it from happening. And Johnny just couldn't let that happen. He would just have to wait for Jimmy to leave.

Johnny could feel Jimmy's eyes on him, could sense the curious words on the tip of his tongue. But Johnny couldn't blame him; he wasn't doing anything to hide his somber demeanor. "Is something wrong, man?" Jimmy finally asked. "You seem kinda upset."

Johnny let out a sort of snort. Upset was barely the tip of the iceberg, upset barely began to explain the catastrophic emptiness he was feeling. And if Johnny were being honest, he really would like to be able to be able to confess his feelings to someone, but to a complete stranger? He couldn't even manage to open up to a professional. But he had the nagging feeling that Jimmy wouldn't leave him alone unless he gave a satisfactory answer, so Johnny managed to mumble, "I uh, I lost my job yesterday."

Johnny expected Jimmy to offer him some sort of platitude at this point, something to help cover up the fact that he was sorry he'd even broached the subject in the first place. At first, it seemed like Johnny might be right, as the first words out of Jimmy's mouth were something along the lines of 'wow, I'm sorry'. Johnny opened his mouth to change the subject, tired of spending time on a subject that only made him wish he hadn't lingered in climbing over the rail. But Jimmy continued. "If you're looking for another one, I know a place that's hiring," he said next. That was honestly the last thing Johnny expected to hear, and it caught his attention. "It's the company I work for, actually. They're expanding, so they're needing to hire a few extra people. I'll put in a good word for you if you want."

"You'd do that for me?" Johnny asked, surprised. This man was a complete stranger to Johnny. He had nothing to gain from doing this.

Jimmy shrugged. "I've been in your position before," was his answer. "And I know how helpful it would have been to have someone help me get back on my feet."

Johnny was silent for a few seconds. He'd never been good with words and didn't know how to tell Jimmy how much this meant to him without sounding...well, without sounding gay. "Thanks," he finally said, and the soft smile on Jimmy's face told him it was enough.

The two men fell into a silence which, as strangers, should have been at least slightly awkward. But Johnny didn't mind; he was too distracted by the sun finally emerging from over the horizon, and he was sure Jimmy was, too. Johnny stared at the rising sun until his eyes started to burn, glancing down and watching as the sunlight slowly spread across the landscape. Looking down was like a punch to the gut; it reminded Johnny why'd he come out here in the first place.

"I fucking love the sunrise," Jimmy said suddenly. Johnny tore his gaze away from the ground below, away from the place where he imagined his body laying, broken and bent but oh so free, and looked at Jimmy. He really was way too excited for how early it was. But Johnny actually had to agree with him, as strange of an idea as that was. Johnny stayed in place for a few minutes longer, waiting until the dawn fully transitioned into day before he made a move to walk away. He mumbled a quick goodbye to Jimmy, thanking him again for offering to put in a good word for him at his company, even if he wasn't sure the other man would actually do that. Johnny wanted nothing more than to retreat home, curl into a ball, and find a way to make it just one more day, but Jimmy had other ideas. "Where are you going?" he called out to Johnny. "I was gonna see if you wanted to go get some breakfast."

"Breakfast," Johnny repeated.

"Yeah breakfast," Jimmy said. "You know, the meal people usually eat in the morning." The playful sarcasm in Jimmy's voice made Johnny smile out of reflex. "I think you owe it to me since I'm helping you get a job."

And that was how Johnny found himself in a booth at Denny's at seven in the morning, nursing a mug of hot coffee underneath his chin. It was far from where he expected to end up when he left his apartment this morning, but for the time being, he wasn't complaining. He and Jimmy actually seemed to get along pretty well, once they actually started to talk. It surprised Johnny how easily Jimmy was able to make him laugh, how easily he almost made him forget that he'd started out the day with the intention of not seeing its end.

Before parting ways, Jimmy insisted that he and Johnny exchange phone numbers, so that Jimmy could contact him as soon as he talked to his boss. Johnny still couldn't believe Jimmy would go through all of this trouble for him, but he wasn't going to say no. It was nice - and very strange - to feel like somebody actually cared about him. Johnny also had another reason to accept Jimmy's phone number, one that he definitely wouldn't be divulging to Jimmy. Jimmy was friendly, easy to talk to, and although he had at first, Johnny didn't feel awkward around him anymore. In the back of his mind, he harbored a fantasy that Jimmy might someday be interested in him.

As if. There's no way Jimmy's gay. And if even if he was, there was no way he'd be interested in me.

But Johnny suppressed the little voice in the back of his head, thanked Jimmy, and said goodbye. He went back to his apartment and climbed back into bed, thoroughly exhausted, his mind swimming.

. . .

Despite Johnny's lingering doubts, Jimmy actually went through on his promise of talking to his boss. Johnny was thankful because his bills were already starting to pile up and having nothing to do but lay around all day with nothing but his thoughts was dangerous. Jimmy insisted on carpooling to work, something Johnny wasn't going to complain about. The nearly hour-long commute gave them a chance to get to know each other. And the more time that passed, the more Johnny was sure he wanted more than friendship with Jimmy.

And as Johnny learned a few weeks later, that possibility wasn't so far-fetched. It didn't take long for news to travel in their little office building and soon whispers about 'Jimmy's new boyfriend' reached Johnny. He was skeptical at first, and in a burst of bravery, brought it up to Jimmy, who just laughed.

"How did you not figure it out?" Jimmy asked, grinning. "I've been flirting with you this whole time."

It didn't take long after this for Johnny and Jimmy to actually become an item. Jimmy argued that they might as well since everyone was already gossiping about it, and Johnny wasn't complaining. It was what he'd wanted since he'd realized how wonderful Jimmy was, how pure and unrefined his energy was, how being around him made Johnny feel a little less dead inside.

His depression was still there, swathed in the shadows of his mind, still crippling enough to bring him to his knees. At first, he was scared of telling Jimmy about the ghosts that haunted him, scared that it would scare Jimmy away. But one night, after one too many glasses of whiskey and three little words from Jimmy, almost everything came tumbling out. Every blade he'd ever pressed to his skin, every dark hole he'd ever fallen into, every sleepless night spent staring out the window, wondering if any of it was actually worth it. He'd cried and Jimmy had held him, telling him that everything would be okay.

Johnny only left one thing out. He didn't tell Jimmy the circumstances surrounding the day they met. He didn't think Jimmy needed to know, especially when Johnny started to get the help he needed and slowly started to leave his depression behind. It was his little secret, one he kept tucked away until a warm day in July 2008, when Jimmy proposed to him. The gold band on his finger glittered like the sunrise and it conjured up a feeling of guilt in Johnny. It was something Jimmy quickly picked up on, and Johnny knew he couldn't keep his secret any longer.

"You seem sad," Jimmy said. He reached across the bed and poked Johnny in the back. "Is something wrong? Talk to me, Jay."

Johnny sighed softly, rolling over to face Jimmy. How could he even begin to say what he needed to say? "We need to talk about something," he finally said. A subtle look of panic rippled across Jimmy's face and Johnny added, "It's uh, it's about the day we met."

This made Jimmy smile. Jimmy loved to talk about the day they met, loved to talk about he'd gone out to watch the sunrise on a whim and by some stroke of fortuitous luck, met Johnny. The older man reached out and grabbed Johnny around the shoulders, pulling him into a tender embrace. "What about it?" Jimmy asked. Johnny felt him kiss the crown of his head and he sighed again, hating knowing that he was about to ruin Jimmy's image of that day.

"Remember how I told you I was there to watch the sunrise because I just couldn't sleep?" That was the story he'd fed Jimmy. He said that after losing his job, he'd tossed and turned, ultimately deciding to forgo sleep and go watch the sunrise. While that was mostly true, he'd left out the most important detail. Jimmy nodded in response to Johnny's question. "Well that's not entirely true."

Jimmy moved away just enough to look at Johnny's face. "What do you mean, Jay?"

Johnny swallowed hard. No point in skirting around it now, you've already said too much. "The reason I was at the bridge that morning was because...because I was planning to kill myself."

Jimmy said nothing at first, just stared blankly at Johnny. He drew in a shaky breath and then whispered, "What?" A short pause. "Why?"

"I was in a dark place, Jimmy," Johnny said. He looked down at Jimmy's chest, unable to handle the look of heartache in his sky-colored eyes. "I'd been depressed for so long and I just wanted it be over. That...That seemed like the only option. But..."

"But what?" Jimmy's voice was still soft, so quiet Johnny could barely hear it.

"But then I met you," Johnny said. Somehow, he managed a weak smile. It was such a cheesy thing to say, but Johnny meant it. If it wasn't for Jimmy, he'd probably be dead, even if he hadn't jumped that day. Jimmy infused life back into him, made him get help and pulled him back from the brink. "You helped me realize that things weren't as bad as I thought. Yeah sure, I had a shitty life. But that didn't mean the rest of my life would be as shitty. You gave me something to live for."

Jimmy stared at him for a few seconds before pulling Johnny back against his chest, tightening his arms around him until Johnny almost couldn't breathe. "You're a strong person, Jay," was all he said. "The strongest person I know." He held Johnny for a few minutes before suddenly moving away. Johnny noticed him glance at the clock on the bedside table. It was late - or rather, early - almost five thirty in the morning. Jimmy smiled. "You wanna go watch the sunrise?"

Johnny chuckled. "You even have to ask?"

Notes