Through All the Dust

The guys were engaged in a serious game of Trivial Pursuit. It was more of a battle than a game, judging by the sheer amount of hand gestures and energetic cussing flooding out from the dining room. Lauren and I were, as always, fixated on the two tiniest men in the house. Owen was swatting at a few of his toys on the floor, giggling at his own entertainment. It was a satisfying sound; a far cry from the screeching he’d been doing for the past week.
Lauren was babbling about something but, as much as I was trying to listen, my mind was somewhere else. It was anchored in the past; it had made the long journey to my childhood and had implanted itself there in the sanctuary. I was thinking about Tyler, about a time we’d snuck into the only movie theater in town so that we could see a movie without having to ask Marge for money. She would have given it to us, probably with a bit extra for the popcorn fund…But Tyler and I were always looking for the next great adventure.
California had been the greatest adventure of all. I found myself running through the passing trees and the rolling hills as we maneuvered through the endless exits on the interstate, hoping that one would eventually lead us home. I could still hear Tyler’s laughter, his crooked smile as he looked over to me for validation. We’d been so fucking happy; so carefree.
I couldn’t remember a time before, or after, where I’d felt so damn free. Like the very world was at my fingertips and I could manipulate it in any way I saw fit. We were naively excited for our futures; our lives had ultimately become our most rewarding adventure.
We’d stayed up light, talking about anything and everything under the dim yellow interior light. We watched as traffic zoomed by our temporary lot of a hotel. It was my turn to take the backseat as a bed, but I’d neglected it in favor of the long-standing conversation Tyler had thrown my way.
He was so witty. So charming. I let myself smile, a reflection of how I’d been when Tyler was by my side. I’d never seen him happier than those days living out of my car; as if all we’d need to be free was each other.
I’d been trapped since he’d died…I’d been so, so trapped.
I thought about the way Tyler had crafted himself a penchant for carving into his own skin. The time I’d had to rescue him from himself, not that it was a one-off experience. But I’d almost been too late—I’d almost missed my window. By time I’d gotten to him, he was in and out of consciousness.
“We made it,” he’d said to me, groggily but clearly. “Now I can go.”
At the time, I’d had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I figured he’d lost a lot of blood and was disconnected from reality. I’d pulled him into my arms as we waited for the ambulance, holding his wrists tightly in my palms as if I could stop his life from leaking out if only I squeezed hard enough. I could feel him slipping away and I knew he’d take me with him.
That was the thing about lingering too long on the topic of Tyler; the bad would eventually cloud over the good. I’d be left bitter and angry, hating him for what he’d done to my life.
What he’d done to me.
“You okay?” Lauren asked me concernedly, snapping her fingers to draw me out of my coma.
I nodded, blinking away the past, “Yep.”
She eyed me up suspiciously, “Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere,” I lied, letting my gaze fall onto Brody, who was tucked safely in Lauren’s arms.
He was staring back at me and it immediately lifted my soul.
“I was thinking about what you said this morning,” I elaborated. “About letting it go.”
“Oh?” she hummed.
I nodded, abruptly climbing to my feet and motioning for her to pass my son back to me. She obliged me but was riddled with confused concern.
“There’s something I need to do,” I told her ominously. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay,” she replied slowly.
I carried Brody against my chest as I stepped into the lion’s den. Zach had his hands above his head and was angrily shouting at my husband. Brian had the smuggest grin across his even smugger face; like it brought him all the world’s satisfaction to have enraged his friend so sincerely.
“Blair,” Zach whined at the sight of me. “Your husband fucking cheats!”
“I know,” I laughed. “That’s why we don’t play board games.”
Brian was appalled, “I don’t fucking cheat! I’m just smarter than you fuckers.”
“Modest too,” Zach grumbled, sinking down into his chair.
“What’s up, B?” Brian asked me curiously.
I tried to hide my urgency, “Brody and I are going to go out for a bit…I need some air.”
“Everything okay?” he asked instinctively.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I shrugged. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
He nodded, letting me and his son slip away around the corner. It wasn’t like he could object to my stepping out into the world. Brian knew me well enough to know that something had inspired my sudden urge to abandon the day, but he knew better than to pry into my brain.
I strapped Brody into the car seat, giving him one satisfied smile as he looked up at me. I melted under his gaze every time; a power I figured he’d never lose over me.
We drove slowly through town, taking our time so that I could properly formulate a hold on what I needed to do. When we finally pulled up to my final destination, Brody and I made the journey together. My steps were slow, reluctant.
I walked along rows and rows of headstones, letting my eyes vaguely trace the names of a select few. It had been a while since I’d been there, but I knew the route by heart. It had embedded itself into my core.
As my gaze fixated on the name of the first boy I’d ever loved, I let myself shift. My focus lost its intensity and I completely lost my motivation. I set Brody’s car seat down next to Tyler’s stone, seating myself cross-legged across from my son. He stared at me absently, having absolutely no comprehension for where we were or why his mother was so distraught.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” I spoke awkwardly, fighting hard to push passed the awkwardness of talking to myself. “I’ve been…busy.”
I was disheartened to find no one had laughed at my little joke. A further reminder that I was, for all intents and purposes, on my own.
“I’ve brought someone that I wish you could meet,” I said, biting at my lip. “This is Brody…This is my son.”
No response came, no feeling of my loved one around me. No whispers floating along the wind. Nothing. Just me. Just Brody.
“He looks a lot like Brian,” I thought aloud. “He’s quiet…cuddly. If I hadn’t carried him, I wouldn’t be so sure he was mine. He’s all Haner; no Peterson.”
Brody was looking at me like I’d lost my mind. It was enough to make me laugh; enough not to let me fall to pieces.
“I thought he should meet you. And this is the only place I could think to bring him…It’s killing me that you’re not here. These last few years have been made only more difficult by the birth of my son. You’re not here. You’re…You’re missing everything. I’m missing everything. And…you know…I think I’ve been blaming you for that all along. I’ve been really fucking mad at you for a really long time. I’m still mad; don’t think I’m over what’s happened just because I’m here.”
I wanted so desperately to argue. I wanted Tyler to apologize. I wanted him to fight with me; to tell me I was unreasonable or overemotional or delusional. I just wanted to hear his voice.
It had been so long that I’d almost forgotten what he sounded like.
“I’m going back to California soon,” I continued, moving passed the rage building in my chest. “So, I probably won’t be back for a while…Though, if your fucking mom has anything to do with it, I’ll be living in Massachusetts forever…She’s a really great grandmother. She was a good mother but…I don’t know. I think she was born to be a grandma. She’s just eating it up.”
Brody’s eyes danced slowly from my gaze, moving just over my shoulder. His eyes lit up as he gargled to himself.
The wind changed.
“You would have been a good uncle…And I’m fucking wrecked that you’re not here to spoil him. You’d love him so much, Ty. He’s the best baby. I know everyone says that, but I mean it. Maybe I’m biased…not because he’s mine…or because he looks so god damn much like his dad…But because he saved me.”
Brody was very much enamored by whatever it was he was hallucinating. It unnerved me enough that I couldn’t bring myself to turn around; maybe because I was afraid I’d find something standing behind me…and maybe because I was afraid that I wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry that I’ve been blaming you,” I said, feeling my own insecurities welling up. “I’ve been in a bad place for a while…and I think it was easier to put it on you than to admit that maybe I’m really fucked up. I need so much to believe that I don’t need anybody…That I could survive on my own. That I’m not weak. I don’t feel…But I do…and I’m lost. I’ve been lost. Sometimes I just wish that I could go back in time and do everything differently. I would have chosen you.”
I knew it was a lie the second it slipped between my lips.
Brian had given me an entire life in one split second choice that I’d made. Choosing Brian had meant choosing myself—it had meant choosing Brody. I loved my little family; my two men were enough to pull me out from the shadows and keep me shackled in the light. Tyler had only ever dimmed me, as much as he had tried not to.
There was an undeniable relief that came with Brian. Gone were the days of worrying about death—worrying about demons. When Tyler had slipped away, he’d brought his anguish with him. It had been such a gradual ascent back from the place Ty had dragged me that I hadn’t even noticed when I’d arrived.
“But I’m not sorry…I’m not afraid to tell you that you were wrong. About Brian, about me…You were wrong to leave. You were selfish and uncaring…But I think that I finally understand it. I’ve held that weight and it nearly broke me. You carried it around forever…And sometimes I think you survived so long because of me. Not because of me…For me. When I think back on my life, every memory I have is of you. Every milestone in my life, I shared it with you. All of the important decisions I’ve made…I’ve made them for you. And now…Now I’m on my own. I’m without you and…I think I’m letting go. I’m done being angry, Tyler. And I’m done resenting you for the work you did on my life. Maybe it’s okay that you derailed me. Maybe it’s what was supposed to happen…”
I could hear Tom’s voice in the back of my head, reminding me that the world was cruel, and I’d be better for it. There was no denying that I’d been forced to grow the split-second Tyler died. I had no choice but to gather my strength and push onward. I’d leaned on those I’d loved, let them lead me out from the grief…And I’d emerged someone new.
Someone stronger.
Someone capable of loving…Capable of feeling.
“In every life, I would fight for you,” I told him, letting myself get a little weepy. “I would protect you. I wouldn’t change a second of our life together. Not one fucking second. Because I know you could be awful…you could be mean and cold…but you were my best friend. You were my family when I had no one. You were my whole life…and it was a pretty fucking good one.”
I could almost feel Tyler, for the first time in years…I could almost feel him. I smiled to myself.
“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry that I’ve been angry…that I’ve been hating you. I get it, Tyler. I understand. It wasn’t about me; it was never about me. Maybe if I’d figured that out sooner…I don’t know. I just…I miss you. I miss and I’m…I’m so glad that I knew you. I will always be glad that I knew you. Thank you for being my best friend all my life.”
Brody seemed alarmed by my outburst, his gaze settling on me with a hiccup. I pulled myself together, swallowing down my self-realization. I reached over and unlatched Brody from his seat, pulling him into my lap.
“This is your uncle Tyler,” I told my infant son, planting a soft kiss on his tiny cheek as I wiped at my tears with a free hand. “He was my best friend in the whole world. Like Owen will probably be for you. It’s a wonderful thing, to have a best friend. I hope you have a love like the one I had with your uncle Tyler. I hope one day you know what it is to love someone the way I loved him…The way that I love you.”
I closed my eyes for a second, trying to will Ty into existence. It was hard not to be disappointed as I opened my eyes and found that there were two Haners in the grass…and no one else.
Brody and I sat quietly for a while, Brody cuddling up to me for the sake of nurture; I was lost in memory. Lost in gratitude. What’s that saying? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
While I wished I hadn’t lost him, I let myself sink into the abyss that was release. I’d never loved anyone the way that I’d loved Tyler; it was an undeniably self-sacrificing love. It was a love that required more patience and understanding than I’d ever thought was possible. But I’d done it, and I’d endured it…and I’d do it again. Without hesitation, I’d do it again.
Feeling at peace with my friend for the first time since long before he’d died, I decided to go home. I sat Brody back into his seat, buckling him in for sake keeping. I hesitated, listening as the breeze floated through the trees. It was serene here; something I’d never noticed in all my time spent there.
I nodded to myself, sighing as I climbed to my feet.
“I love you, Ty,” I told my best friend. “I’ll always love you.”
I let the silence calm my nerves, smiling a little as I picked Brody up.
“I’ll see you soon.”
As Brody and I left Tyler behind, I felt somehow freed. I’d released myself from my chains, unbound my ties to the torture that was Tyler’s death. Through all the suffering and all the conflict; the labored grief and the harbored resentments…I’d made it out.
Somehow, in the midst of all that pain, I found what I’d needed. I’d found love. I’d found understanding.
And while I wasn’t looking, I realized I’d forgiven him.
And through that, maybe I could forgive myself.

Notes

*Sniffles*

Just one more to go.

xx