Through All the Dust

I awoke to a familiar floral printed cushion stuffing my cheek into my jaw. With a couple of blinks and one ill-originated groan, I pushed my face from the soft wall and right myself. The room was blanketed in nightfall, the surfaces only illuminated by the soft bulbs stretching their arms from the stairway. The curtains hanging from the tall wooden window blew gently in the evening breeze.
I wrapped the tiny wool blanket around my shivering shoulders, letting a small yawn escape from my lungs. With dedicated steps, I shuffled to the sleeping lump on the matching floral sofa and lightly shook at its shoulders.
“Ty,” I whispered sternly. “Ty, wake up.”
He grumbled something of a response.
“Tyler,” I whined, shaking him more fiercely. “Wake up.”
His eyes stirred before cracking open to glance at me. He grumbled something of a ‘no’ before rolling over and pushing his nose into the back of the couch. I laughed softly, shaking my head at him.
I wasn’t sure what had woken me, only that I was suddenly overcome with overwhelming dread. Figuring I was on my own, I stood to my feet and made my way upstairs. The door creaked as I slipped through it and into the kitchen, marveling at the mess we’d left on the kitchen table in our wake. The room tilted as I walked, and the hazy moonlight flooded through the back door.
Practicing my best deep breathing wasn’t proving to be fruitful. So, I took to the only other thing I knew to fail-safely calm my nerves: nicotine. I stepped out into the night, pulling at the corners of the blanket still safely wrapped around my body. As I sunk onto the top step and lit the cigarette tucked between my lips, I sighed.
Massachusetts in the Fall was cold. It was dreary in its constant reminders that winter was coming. I wanted to be where the sun came out. Anywhere but there. Anywhere but Lenox.
For a split second, I pretended that I was. The moon in Massachusetts was the same moon in the Bahamas, I told myself. Maybe if I pushed myself hard enough, I could transport. Maybe I’d open my eyes to find the sand of a beach curled between my toes, an ocean breeze whispering secrets through my hair. But when I dared to peak, I was still in the Fall…I was still in the cold.
I pulled at my cigarette, the chill pecking at my fingertips. The still evening was broken only by the distinct sound of the door opening and closing behind my back. It was clear who it was, so I didn’t bother to turn around. Instead, I kept my eyes focused on that moon; willing it to take me with it someplace else.
“What are you doing out here?” Tyler’s voice asked wearily. “It’s cold as fuck out here.”
He pulled up the step beside me, looking at me strangely when I didn’t answer right away.
“Blair?” he encouraged concernedly.
I took another puff, “I woke up.”
“Right,” he almost laughed. “But why are you out here?”
“Anxiety,” I shrugged, shaking my cigarette lamely toward him.
He pulled at an edge of the blanket, scooting himself closer to me and into the shield of its wooden arm. With his hand on my knee, he cast his eyes up toward the same moon that had been mesmerizing me for the past five minutes. We sat quietly for a while, together.
“What’s in your brain, Peterson?” he asked me coolly.
I bit at my lip, taking a chest full of oxygen to balance out the black in my lung, “I want to leave Lenox.”
He seemed almost taken aback, “Yeah…I know.”
“I mean now,” I said seriously, finally turning to look at him. “I’m done here, Ty. I don’t belong here.”
His smile reassured me, his hand squeezing my knee gently, “Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t fucking know,” I grumbled from behind the smoke of my cigarette. “Anywhere else.”
“Where’s this voyager mentality coming from?” he asked me suspiciously. “I know Carolyn’s been bad lately but…”
I shook my head, the ember of my smoke brightening with my distaste, “It has nothing to do with her. Or anyone. It’s me, Tyler. I need to get out.”
“You can’t leave me here,” he told me pointedly. “So…You better pick somewhere good. Don’t drag me to, like, Oklahoma or some shit.”
I frowned at him, “You can’t leave. You have too much here. You have your family…You have your parents. You have the band.”
“Oh, please,” he scoffed playfully. “You are my family. You’re the only thing worth being anywhere for, Blair. I’ll follow you wherever.”
“Aren’t you sweet,” I teased, nudging his body with mine.
He smirked, rolling his dark eyes, “It’s too late for this conversation. I’m half asleep. Give me a break.”
“I’m always giving you breaks,” I joked, leaning into him this time because I needed to.
“What’re you doing awake anyway?” Tyler asked, moving his arm to wrap around my shoulders. “The urge to move away was just that strong?”
“Bad dreams, I think,” I shrugged, taking the last that my cigarette had to offer before flicking it into the backyard.
“Marge is going to kill you,” Ty laughed.
“Let her!”
Tyler snickered, laying his head against mine, “We can’t leave if you’re dead, Blair. So…I guess you can’t die. Ever.”
I wanted to make a callous remark about how that was obviously his role in our friendship. He was the only one with ongoing personal permission about departing this planet without their soul. But, reluctant to fight at whatever god forsaken time of night, I bit at my tongue. My arms ran wild with goosebumps, a breeze rolling through with a vengeance that turned it to wind.
“We need to go somewhere warm,” Tyler said then, certainty in his voice. “I’m so done with this arctic shit.”
I smiled, validated in my own fucked up way. He could still read my mind.
We sat for a while longer, until our bones had effectively been frozen and blackened. When Tyler finally declared he was heading back inside, I had no reason not to follow him. But when we reached the door, he turned, gesturing to the sky with his head.
“It’s beautiful though,” he lamented. “I’ll give it that.”
“The moon’s beautiful anywhere, Ty,” I reminded him, pushing at him to get moving indoors.
He lingered for a second longer before grinning back at me, “California. That’s where we’ll go. We’ll go to Cali-fucking-fornia.”


“I can’t believe you leave tomorrow,” Lauren pouted, pulling a sheet of cookies out from my oven.
I kicked my legs back and forth, clunking my heels against the cupboards as I chewed at some raw cookie dough, “I fucking know. It’s crazy.”
She nodded at me, sliding the sheet onto the top of the stove before slamming the oven door shut.
“You’re going to get salmonella,” she told me with a warning point.
“That’s made up,” I shrugged her off. “By people who don’t want you to be happy.”
She giggled, scooping a finger full of dough into her mouth and giving me a quick little wink. As she got to work preparing a second batch of cookies to hit the oven fire, I found myself memorizing the natural curls in her hair. The way her nose would crinkle when she laughed. It was like I was preparing to never see her again.
The way my last tour had gone, I felt it was almost a safe preparation to be making.
“Leave it to Matt to organize a party,” she grumbled mostly to herself. “Doesn’t he know people don’t always want to party before they jet set away?”
When she glanced at me for confirmation, I shrugged lazily. She rolled her eyes, turning back to her work as I scooped another spoonful of dough.
“That man,” she grunted. “I swear.”
I grinned a little, “What about that man?”
“He’s infuriating,” she replied simply, spinning around to face me once more. “Weren’t you listening?”
“Not really,” I laughed as I dodged the flying oven mitt targeted at my head.
“All I’m saying is that you’re leaving tomorrow,” she frowned. “And I would have like some more time with you—without having to dodge all the drunken fools.”
“I want more time, too,” I assured her. “But I’ll see you soon enough.”
“October,” she whined. “That’s so far from now.”
Lauren had been convinced to come out for the first Avenged show post Jimmy. It had taken a lot of encouragement from everyone but she’d finally agreed. So, I’d taken it a step further by working it out so she could come back with me after the show—and live on my tour for a week before flying home to California. I couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Lo for four whole months. The Sullivans had agreed to take Owen—and Lauren had reluctantly agreed to take the time.
Lauren slid the next batch of cookies into the oven, rambling on again about Matthew and his insistent party throwing.
“Why is it at your house?” she asked angrily. “Why can’t he offer up his house? How is that fair? Bri gets left with all the mess? Jeez…Sometimes I think I could strangle him!”
“Who?” I asked dumbly. “Brian or Matt?”
“Matt!” she screeched. “He’s so…”
“Hunky?” I offered cheekily. “Helpful? Thoughtful? Wonderful?”
Her brows fell into disdain. She was anything but impressed.
I laughed, “What?”
“You know what,” she replied simply.
“You’ve been complaining a lot about him lately,” I shrugged. “First comes the complaining…and then comes…”
“Stop!” she demanded, throwing her hands up by her chest. “Whatever you’re implying, it’s gross. Stop it.”
“Uh-huh,” I hummed in disbelief. “Poor little innocent Lo; doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.”
“Nothing,” she informed me flatly. “I’m getting myself into nothing…Other than party planning mode. Because of course, Matt throws the party but here I am…doing all the work.”
“Typical of couples—”
“Blair!” she growled. “Stop.”
I laughed, hopping down from the counter at the sound of Brian’s homecoming at the front door. Saved by the Gates.
“Where are you going?” Lauren whined as I made a move to slip away.
“I’ll be back, you psycho!” I called to her, disappearing around the corner.
Brian was actively piling bags and bags into our front entrance. I seriously considered turning around and bailing at the sight of it—maybe Lauren had a point. Why were we suddenly in charge of a party that I had very little interest in throwing? I had to be on a bus at nine-thirty sharp. That didn’t leave a whole mess of time to actually enjoy myself throughout the night. I would just be riddled with anxiety—I knew it.
Brian smiled when he caught sight of me, tossing another six bags onto the floor before closing the door behind him.
“Food,” he told me simply. “Per Shadows’ request.”
I smirked, “Fucking Matt.”
“Whatever,” Brian sighed, stepping over the mounds of groceries to get to me.
He wrapped me up in his arms, savoring the feel of our skin against one another’s. It would be a while before we could be so casually intimate…I wasn’t taking a second of it for granted.
“We’ll celebrate,” Brian laughed lightly, pulling away and silently begging me to help him bring everything into the kitchen.
“Maybe this will be the last time for a while,” I thought aloud, struggling to lift the sheer weight I’d strapped around my wrists.
Brian nodded, glancing over his shoulder at me, “Maybe.”
As we rounded the corner, Brian threw his bags onto the counter. Lauren was absolutely horrified.
“What….What is all this?” she gasped.
Brian tried not to laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck anxiously, “Matt said you wouldn’t mind…”
“I wouldn’t mind what?” she asked slowly.
He pled the fifth.
“I wouldn’t mind what, Brian?”
He looked to me but I was absolutely not getting involved.
“Cooking…” Brian answered, fear reigning throughout his perfect features. “…Everything…”
“Matthew!” she screeched like a banshee.
The poor soul had the worst timing on the planet. As Matt’s voice cracked through the tension in my house, Lauren took off toward it. She was already flailing with rage and disbelief.
Brian and I leaned into each other, listening to the sounds of their bickering filling up the dead air. For a place that I’d fought so hard to get to, it pained me to leave it so easily. I was really going to miss it…All of it.
“I love you,” I smiled up at Brian, memorizing the golden flakes in his eyes.
He winked at me in response just in time for Lauren to appear, dragging Matt by the literal ear.
“You want this cooked so bad?” she challenged loudly. “You’re going to help!”
Matt whined, “But mom!”
“Is your name Owen?” she barked. “Do I look like I’m old enough to be your mother? Don’t you answer that!”
I smiled to myself, watching as Lauren shoved Matt toward the groceries and he grumbled in frustration.
Yeah, I was going to miss it all.

Notes

xx