“You know, Blair, you look pretty good in white. Like a fallen angel or some shit,” Jimmy told me with a devious grin tucked behind his perfectly plump lips.
I cocked an eyebrow, “Not just a regular angel?”
”Nah,” he laughed. “We both know you’re way too dark inside for that shit. They’d kick you out before you even got a chance to stumble through your name, man.”
“Fuck you,” I snickered. “If I’m not getting in, no way are you getting in.”
”Two peas in a pod and all that shit,” Jimmy agreed in his Jimmy way.
I spun around to check out the white dress I’d been forced into for the album art. I wasn’t into white but I was assured it would be tucked into the liner notes and I could carry on with my reputation for donning only black attire. I grimaced at the sight.
“I look like an idiot,” I cringed, pulling at the ends of the fabric.
It was bad enough that I was being forced into the angelic shade but they gone so far as to stick me in a god damn dress. What was this shit? Oh right, pop.
“You look great,” Jimmy assured me. “Just stop dripping your depression all over it.”
I surprised myself with a laugh, “I don’t have depression.”
”You will when I die,” he smirked, reaching out to pull the ends of my hair out from the back of the dress where they’d gotten trapped in the transition.
Even my hair was hiding.
”You can’t die,” I told him happily. “You’re immortal, remember?”
”That’s true,” he smiled. “I drank the blood last night.”
I nodded smugly.
He towered over me, giving me one final check out in the mirror before giving his stamp of approval. They called for me to come to set...I groaned.
”Let’s go, B Baby,” Jimmy cooed happily, pushing at my spine to get me moving.
“Jim,” I said as we walked. “If you’re not getting into heaven, where are you going to go? Don’t you say hell either or I’ll straight lose it.”
He laughed, swinging his gigantic arm across my shoulders, “I’m going wherever you are.”


I shot straight up, struggling to catch my breath. With a churn in my guts, I grappled at my intestines before sprinting for the bathroom. It was foreign to me with its wall-length mirror and bright lights. There was no mistaking the toilet though. I purged my entire being into the bowl.
Once I was fairly certain that I’d thrown up enough that I was nearing death, I collapsed with my back against the hotel tub.
I’m married.
What a crazy thought that was. It made my head spin—or maybe that was from all the tequila I’d decided was a good idea to down throughout the night. I’d never seen Lauren so loaded. It was hilarious.
But eventually we’d had to throw in the towel, I retired to Brian and she retired to her memories. At four in the morning, my memories had found me too.
I was married and everyone missed it. Jimmy, Tyler, my mom... my dad. My chest heaved with a profound sadness that I’d almost forgotten could live inside me. I prayed this wasn’t the beginning of the end all over again. What terrible timing that would be.
I ran through Jimmy’s hair in my mind, sure to ruffle it with just enough aggression. I searched the recesses of my mind for Tyler’s laugh.
With a shake of my head and the foresight to realize I was testing out some rough waters, I forced myself off the floor.
To my surprise, Brian had arisen. He was sitting up, holding his knees.
”Bri?” I asked, pushing through the catch of vigor in my throat. He glanced up at me and smiled, “You okay?”
I nodded, climbing back under the blankets Brian had kept warm in my brief absense.
”I just had the craziest dream about Jimmy,” he told me oddly, as if he was still holding onto it with all his might.
I thought about telling him that I’d one too but decided to save it for another time. Brian almost never talked about his dreams with me and I wasn’t about to discourage him.
”It was weird...He called our hotel room,” Brian said, in a daze, “and he told me to meet him downstairs by the pool. Suddenly that’s where I am... and he’s there. In a fucking suit, smirking at me like an idiot.”
The visual was soothing.
“He told me he was sorry he missed the big day,” Brian continued, gritting his teeth a little as he spoke. “He said he’d been working on his speech and lost track of time...He said he wished he could have seen you because he always thought you looked so good in white.”
Eerie. So fucking eerie. I parted my lips to confess to Brian that I’d had a memory dream but his voice didn’t allot me the chance.
”He said he was broken. That he’d never forgive himself for missing it,” Brian said, breaking up as he spoke. “And I just stood there... staring at him... like a fucking idiot.”
”Bri....” I sighed, melting inside.
”I hate that he wasn’t here,” he told me from behind a deep breath. “I know that’s where the stupid dream came from... but I should have said something. I should have said...anything.”
”He knows,” I assured my husband, leaning against his strong shoulder. “And he was here. I’m not being cliche. There’s just no way he wasn’t.”
”Yeah,” Brian sighed, twirling his wedding ring around on his finger.
“It’s going to be okay,” I told him even though I wasn’t sure it was true. “Life has a way of working itself out.”
He looked at me with a subtle smile, “Since when are you miss positivity?”
”Since I became a Haner,” I grinned.
“I can’t wait to go home tomorrow,” Brian confessed. “I just want to be home. I want to be greedy with you until you leave.”
I kissed his cheek, “You can be greedy with me for the rest of our lives.”
”Promise?” Brian asked in a way that sounded more like pleading.
”Where you are, I am,” I told him sternly. “Forever.”
”Forever,” Brian sighed. “What a short amount of time that turned out to be.”
I knew I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t make it better. So instead, I held onto him and willed his heart to be whole. We stayed up to watch the sun rise, both silently wishing for Jimmy to somehow come back to us. Somehow become a part of it at the last second...
When he didn’t, we went home.

Notes

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