Through All the Dust
Chapter Fifty-Nine: Warmness on the Soul
The next several hours were full of pictures and fake smiles. Not that there weren’t some genuine ones, too, but my god…so many damn posed pictures. Lauren assured me that I’d be happy to have them later—but I was pretty fucking tired of smiling for the camera.
Eventually, we were dismissed and we all headed for the reception. I’d made the executive decision to force all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen into the space before Brian and I walked in. You’d think that, given my career choice, I’d be content with people staring at me—but no. I hated the attention. The spotlight made me nauseous.
Brian took my hand in his, giving me a reassuring smile as he dragged me into focus of our families and friends.
“Introducing for the first time,” our emcee boomed. “Mr. and Mrs. Haner!”
Everyone was on their feet, clapping and cheering. I tried not to hate it; however, I was more than relieved as we took our seats at the head table. Dinner was served promptly and, despite the grumbling in my stomach, I was unnerved to find I hardly had an appetite. I blamed it on the adrenaline.
It may have been impending guilt. As I looked around the room at all the happy faces, I was overwhelmed with sadness. These were the people that made my life whole—and these were the people I’d be leaving for the next several months. Lily was feeding Owen at a table to our right. I took a mental picture; knowing he’d grow substantially in my absence. I wanted to remember it all. I didn’t want to miss everything.
“You okay?” Brian asked me quietly, a squeeze to my knee.
I nodded glumly, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he smiled. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong,” I sighed. “I’m just…thinking about my tour.”
“Ah,” he huffed. “I get that. I’ve been doing the same thing.”
“It’s shitty,” I grunted, pushing the peas on my plate around.
“Yep,” he laughed. “But it’s our job…It is what it is.”
I decided not to let my life ruin my wedding. So, I bucked up and I rallied. As the servers cleared the plates, the emcee’s voice called out for Matt to take the microphone. He was the best man, after all. I choice we all knew was secondary—but no less deserved than if it had been the first.
Everyone hushed themselves as Matt took the microphone in his hands. He sorted through a few pages of paper before smiling at the crowd.
“Is it weird that I’m nervous?” he laughed awkwardly. “As a warning to the people here that don’t know me…I physically cannot speak without cussing. So…I apologize in advance.”
Brian and I chuckled softly. The elderly in the crowd stirred with contempt.
“My name’s Matt,” my hunky friend began again. “And I’m Brian’s best man.”
I resisted the temptation to say ‘hi, Matt’ all monotone like they do in the AA meetings in movies. It would have been hilarious. Brian must have read my mind because he shook his head at me.
“I wasn’t the first choice for this honor, which would probably bother a lot of other people. But in this family, we are understanding to a fucking fault—” he winced as the word passed through his teeth. “Sorry,” he added with a laugh. “Anyway, our brother Jimmy was set to be the best man. Brian had asked him before he’d even proposed to our Blair yet.”
The room laughed quietly. Brian looked sad…I was sad.
“So, forgive me, because I’m not going to be able to do this justice like Jimmy would have,” Matt smirked. “But I’m going to do what I can.”
Lauren took my hand into hers. I wasn’t sure if it was affectionate or because she was reeling at the constant use of Jim’s name. Either way, I squeezed back.
“I met Brian way back in the day,” Matt told everyone. “He was a little shit and he was always hanging around with my friend, Jimmy. He was too good to be in my band, so I maybe resented him just a little…But eventually Brian asked to join the Avenged Sevenfold family and everything’s been fucking crazy ever since—fuck, sorry.”
Brian laughed loudly.
“I’ve seen Brian in all sorts of situations,” Matt smirked. “I’ve seen him on stage in front of thousands of people, I’ve seen him drunk off his ass on more than one occasion, I’ve seen him down and out, and I’ve seen him shed a tear for our fallen friend…”
There was a lump in my throat as I ran my fingers over Jimmy’s initials around my neck. Brian looked to me for comfort. I leaned over to kiss his cheek; the only thing I could think to do to ease his grief in that second.
“But most importantly,” Matt said with a wide smile. “I’ve seen Brian happy. And that all started the day that Blair Peterson—or Haner now, I guess…walked into his life. We were all out at a club, it was a random night and Jimmy had dragged us all downtown. He said he’d met the singer from Haven that Brian had been obsessively talking about for months. That’s right, Blair. Brian had a big ol’ crush on you long before you ever met him.”
I looked to Brian for confirmation. He laughed, shrugging at me.
I honestly had no idea. I’d known that he knew who I was—that much was clear from the little guessing game he’d insisted we play. The rest of this revelation was a total surprise. A happy surprise, though.
“He shows up at our table,” Matt laughed. “and he neglects to mention his little fucking encounter with his future bride. But she shows up soon after, demanding that her friend let her go home—and then she spots him. From that split second onward, we’ve all been along for the Blair and Brian ride.”
Brian leaned over to kiss me this time.
“They’ve seen it all,” Matt continued, flipping a page over. “They’ve seen loss, they’ve seen the country—they toured together, for those who don’t know. They’ve become godparents to the world’s most beautiful fuckin’ baby. Beyond all of the things that they’ve done, they have been endlessly supportive of one another and their dreams. I’ve never heard Blair say ‘no’. She’s pushed Brian to be better and to do better…and he’s pushed her to become sure of herself. Encouraging her to be the person that he could see, even when she couldn’t. Now they’re both the most genuinely awesome fuckin’ people I know.”
Matt raised his glass into the air.
“To the Bs,” he roared. “May your life be filled with happiness, love, and endless amounts of music. I fucking love you two! To the Haners!”
Everyone cheers-ed and cheered as Brian and I pushed our quivering lips together. Matt was more than just a hunky piece of meat after all. Who knew he could take those lyricist skills and put them to use through a toast. I was a ball of emotion.
Matt wrapped us into his arms once he’d retreated back to the head table. I sniffled into his chest, thanking him for his lovely words—and for his friendship. It meant the world to me; all of it.
Since Matt was back, Lauren took it as her queue. She quietly climbed to her feet and headed for the podium just as her name was announced. This was the fun part of getting married; forcing your friends to speak publicly. It was torture for them but entertaining for us.
“Hi,” she said sheepishly into the microphone. “I’m Lauren…I’m Blair’s maid of honor and her best friend.”
She was already weepy. I smiled sympathetically at her.
“When I met Blair,” she said with a deep breath of oxygen pulled tightly into her lungs, “I didn’t like her at all.”
It was my turn to laugh loudly. I laughed so loudly, in fact, that it cut through all of the nervous laughter and drew all eyes onto me. Lauren got a kick out of it.
“She was broody and kind of mean,” she giggled. “She was very much not looking for a friend and I was pretty alright with it. I figured she was just another musician and they were usually arrogant and rude.”
The entire head table of musicians gasped at the implication. Lauren got a kick out of this as well.
“But…Jimmy,” she tripped over his name. “He loved her so much that I knew I’d have to at least try to love her, too. So, I got to know her. And then I got to know Brian…and I hated him more than I hated Blair!”
Everyone chuckled. The ones in the know were making devious gestures to Brian. He just smiled.
“Do you know what got me to change my mind about Brian?” she asked the group rhetorically. “The way that Blair talked about him. She knew he had his faults, and she never excused them. What she did, was paint a picture of the Brian she knew. The kind, loving, compassionate, supportive, and sweet man she’d come to love. Through that, I started to love him too.”
Brian looked so mushy I thought I might die. I leaned against him, wrapping both arms around his tattooed bicep.
“We became a bit of a foursome,” Lauren said. “The Bs, and Jimmy and I…We were around one another all of the time. It made it easier for me, to have a friend in Blair, when Jimmy would travel. And I think that Blair would tell you the same thing.”
I nodded at her.
“The boys were away a lot,” she half-smiled. “Which meant that Blair and I had a ton of time to fall madly in love with each other. And we did. She quickly became like a sister to me; a sister I never had and a sister I couldn’t have dreamed of. There’s a reason why so many people take Blair into their families and claim her as their own; she is honestly the best human in this entire world. If you need someone to cheer you up, Blair’s your girl. If you need someone to make you laugh, Blair. Need someone to save your life?”
She got all choked up. With a quick wipe of her tears, she composed herself and raised her glass.
“There is a very specific reason that Jimmy and I chose the two of you as godparents to our son,” she said, trying her best not to burst into tears. “The three of us love you more than there are stars in the sky. Thank you for loving each other. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives watching your marriage grow, your love deepen, and Brian constantly telling me to go home. I love you, guys. To the Bs!”
As our toasts rolled to a close, I was thankful. Lauren and I sobbed into each other’s hair and I knew then that I couldn’t take any more fucking feelings. I was spent. There was nothing left.
The guests settled back into their chairs and a quiet chatter broke out. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Brian.
But then the Rolling Stones beckoned us to the dancefloor. Brian stood first, holding his hand out to me excitedly. I snatched it into my own and followed him to the floor. He took me into his arms beneath the twinkling lights and I couldn’t hide my happiness. It was written all over my face and pulsing through my veins.
“I fucking love you,” Brian cooed at me.
“I love you too,” I smiled back. “But I need to know.”
He looked at me expectantly through my pause.
“How did you get a Jimmy speech?” I asked curiously. “Which, by the way, was perfect. But holy fuck, did you want me to lose it?”
“Throwing Owen into the groomsmen!” he retorted with a grin. “Did you want me to lose it?”
“Kind of,” I snickered.
Brian sighed, his hips moving along with mine, “Jimmy demanded that he be my best man. It was the first thing out of his stupid mouth when I told him I was going to propose.”
I smirked, “Of course it was.”
“Two days later, he came to me with a speech,” Brian laughed fondly at the memory. “He said it’s just a rough draft, dude. So don’t get too caught up. But what do you think? Is it mushy enough?”
I laughed at Brian’s impression. He’d even thrown the little lisp onto his consonants for the sake of effect. I could almost hear Jimmy—and it was enough to make me tear up all over again.
“He really loved you, you know,” Brian said affectionately.
I nodded, “He really loved you.”
“At least he was included,” Brian concluded with a sigh. “Better than…you know.”
“Nothing?” I suggested.
He just nodded.
Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.
“Well,” a grin spread across my face. “We’ll just have to celebrate the way we would if he were here. No one leaves in one piece.”
Brian laughed, “That’s right.”
“I’m so fucking happy to be your wife,” I told Brian then, the way his eyes reflected the light had me swooning.
He smiled, “I’m happy you agreed to this shit.”
“Say no to you?” I teased. “You heard Matt; I never tell you no.”
“Yeah,” he grinned. “You’ve got a real penchant for me, huh Peterson?”
I chuckled, nodding, “It’s Haner.”
The use of the name triggered quite the response from Brian. He slid his hand up to my cheek and pushed his lips to mine. Beneath the lights, to the sounds of the Stones, with the sweet words of our friends floating in my mind, I was more at ease than I’d been in my entire existence.
As I pulled away from my husband’s kiss, I grinned, “And don’t call me that.”
Notes
D'awwwww
xx
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6/18/19