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Through All the Dust

Chapter Forty-Six: Tell Us How the Heavens Flow

Showing up at the Brody house unannounced was probably my favorite thing to do. That said, this time I’d had the forethought to actually give them a head’s up. Mostly because I needed Marge and Tom to have time off of work so they could follow me around looking at houses like little puppies.
Marge scolded me for making the trip right before the Grammy awards—and reminded me that they’d be out there soon for the wedding. I had to come clean about my intentions…or half-clean, anyway. She was thrilled at the idea that I might purchase a second house in my hometown. It made me feel almost bad that it was a lie. Almost.
Matt had found a home just three blocks over from us. It was massive and had the most beautiful floors I’d ever seen. I was jealous beyond belief, despite how much I loved my own home.
Once Matt had found a home to place his bets on, we’d gone to check out the new classic car I had in my sights. It certainly wasn’t the Camaro but it was fucking beautiful. Matt checked it out and affirmed it was in pristine condition. A completely restored and perfect ’67 Chevrolet Impala. I could be my very own Dean Winchester.
The price was painful but worth it. With a quick cheque and a promise to have it driven to my doorstep, I was officially the owner of a new vehicle. I worried about the wrath of Brian for the entire drive back to Huntington.
“I need to tell you something,” I said to Brian as soon as I spotted him.
Matt panicked and ran—locking himself away upstairs so he wouldn’t be caught in the crossfire.
“Okay,” Brian said slowly, placing his guitar back onto its stand.
“I did something,” I told him vaguely. “And I need you to just let it be and not give me any shit. It’s something that needed to be done.”
He looked worried.
“I bought a car,” I winced nervously.
He bit at his lip, obviously taking a page from my book. His gears were turning and I waited anxiously for his reaction.
“That’s…unfortunate,” he finally spoke.
That was not the reaction I was expecting.
“Unfortunate,” I repeated flaty.
He laughed oddly, nodding once, “Yeah.”
He rose from the couch and gestured with his head to follow him. We walked back out through the door I’d just come in from and out to the garage. As he pushed open the mechanical door, there was my baby. She was flawless—sparkling in the sun without a single hint of damage or destruction.
I was thoroughly confused.
“It just came back last night,” he told me, inspecting the car closely. “I paid way more to fix it than it would have been to replace it…But I know how much you love this car.”
My eyes began to well up as I ran my hand over the hood. You couldn’t tell it had ever been smashed up into a tiny ball of metal. The blood stains in the driver seat were gone. The windshield was whole.
“How…What?” I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
Brian smirked, “Surprised?”
“Well fuck,” I groaned with a laugh. “I just dropped thirty k on a fucking Impala, Brian.”
“Like I said, unfortunate.”
“No shit,” I scoffed with regret.
He looked at me with uncertainty. I was still trying to process what he had done. It was, probably, the most thoughtful thing he’d ever done—and the most expensive.
“I can’t believe you did this,” I said in absolute awe. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
He smiled, approaching me with love in his eyes, “Oh, please.”
“I’m serious. I don’t deserve you. You do something sweet and thoughtful and I did what? Ran off and made a huge purchase without clearing it with you.”
“You don’t need my permission to spend your money, Blair,” he noted seriously.
I pursed my lips at him, “I know…But it’ll be our money soon. I should have asked you…I should have—”
“It’s not a big deal, B,” he shrugged it off, rubbing at my arms affectionately. “Now you have two cool cars in your inventory. Shit, you’re catching up to me.”
“I love you so fucking much,” I declared. “You’re too good to me.”
We stood together for a while, marveling at the car and its completeness. It was almost like the whole disaster had been erased. Like it never happened…The only evidence now was the permanent ache in my leg where the bones used to be full, but were now held in place by modern science.
After staring at it for an eternity, Brian pushed me into the driver’s seat. He assured me that there was no time like the present to get a hold of my convictions. We drove together, slowly at first—and then as if I wasn’t afraid at all. God damn I loved that Camaro.
The next morning, I left for Lenox. I showed up to the Brody house with a single bag, lightly packed for my two day trip. Marge suffocated me with her love the second she laid eyes on me. Tom came barreling down the hallway, taking me into his arms as well. It was a nice little family reunion; the last time I’d seen them was when I was still in the hospital…
“How the hell are you, Blair?” Tom asked me happily.
“Good, good,” I replied casually, slipping into the same chair I always seemed to find myself in. “Busy…but good.”
“Getting excited for the wedding?” Marge asked as she poured me a cup of fresh coffee.
I nodded.
“And the Grammys?” she cooed. “I still can’t believe it. We’re having a viewing party here so everyone can watch! Carolyn is coming, can you believe that?”
“No,” I said blankly.
“So,” Tom moved us on, “a second house, huh?”
I nodded again.
“You’ll never move back here,” he noted suspiciously. “So what do you need a house here for?”
“You should never say never, Tom,” I smirked.
“Uh-huh.”
“What about when there are grandchildren running around? Maybe we’ll spend the summers in Massachusetts…You never know.”
Marge lit up, “Grandchildren?”
“Cool your jets, lady,” I grinned. “None in the foreseeable future.”
She shrugged happily, “I’ll take someday.”
We caught up over coffee, they gushed about my Grammy nominations and they grilled me about my new album—and the subsequent tour I was getting ready to jet off for. They had questions about Brian and questions about Lauren, and the baby too.
Before we knew it, it was time to head out for a couple of viewings. Since I couldn’t justify a lengthy trip, I’d scheduled as many house visits as I could in the shortest timeframe possible.
Tom drove us to the realtor office, where we’d hop in with the real estate agent.
“Remember,” I told them from the back seat, leaning forward to be between them, “we’re not looking at list prices. I just want your honest, personal opinions.”
Marge looked at me suspiciously, “Are you being frivolous, Blair Peterson? Do we need to have a chat?”
“No,” I laughed.
The first two houses were a bust. Not only did I hate them, but Marge and Tom both hated them as well. They were dingy and in desperate need of serious renovations. That was not in the plan.
“The next listing is in a higher bracket,” our realtor, Jonah, told us.
“Good,” I snickered. “Get us out of the slumps.”
“Blair!” Marge croaked.
I sunk back into my seat, having being scolded and put in a temporary time out.
We pulled up and were immediately blown away. The yard was spectacular and the house had beautiful, large windows that ran up the front. As we stepped out of the car, I could tell Marge was already falling in love.
We stepped inside and Tom split off with Jonah. Marge and I linked arms as we began our private tour. Since Tom went left, we went right.
“Oh my word,” Marge breathed.
The living room was massive. The cathedral ceilings with floor-to-ceiling windows made the room feel as if it went on forever. A large brick fireplace lay at the other end of the room.
“Look at the beams,” Marge gushed, pointing upward. “I love exposed beams.”
We headed up the wood staircase that led us to a loft space. The view from up there was…Fuck.
Maybe I did want a second home there. This house was more than worth the journey, even just from the small amount I’d seen.
The other half of the house was dedicated to a brand new kitchen and a super spacious dining room. There was main floor laundry and three good sized bedrooms. The fourth bedroom, the master, also hosted an ensuite bathroom and a fucking walk-in closet.
But because the interior wasn’t good enough, we were led out back to find a pool…and the most breathtaking nature views I’d ever seen in my life. I’d grown up in Lenox and had no idea just how beautiful it really was. There was a massive deck built for entertaining purposes. The house was beyond perfect.
“This place is gorgeous,” Marge gushed.
Tom was nodding, also admiring the view, “It’s something alright.”
I had a choice then. I could go behind their backs and purchase the house, hoping that they loved it for themselves and not for me—or I could come clean. It would be a fight. They were the proudest people on the planet and I wasn’t anticipating an easy sell.
“Would you live here?” I asked curiously, leaning against the railing of the deck.
Marge nodded excitedly, “I’ll stay over all the time. You’ll have to fight to get rid of me.”
“Tom?” I tried.
He smirked at me, “It’s beautiful, Blair. It would be a good home for you.”
“Well,” I sighed. “It wouldn’t be for me.”
They both looked confused, like owls with their heads tilted to the side.
“I’m going to buy it,” I told them affirmatively. “For you.”
“No,” Tom said simply.
“Blair,” Marge breathed. “That’s a lovely thought, but—”
“But what?” I retorted, ready for the battle. “Just hear me out.”
Tom didn’t look keen to listen to anything I had to say about it. Marge, on the other hand, was more empathetic than that. She would never just turn away from me, it wasn’t in her nature.
“Tyler had a plan,” I started to explain carefully. “That when we made it and he was financially capable, he was going to buy you guys a beautiful home to retire into. Your house is…Well, it’s home. Not just to you both but to me, too. And while I love it for what it was throughout my life, you guys know it isn’t in good shape…You deserve better.”
“We can’t afford that, Blair,” Tom told me with a hint of bitterness.
“I know that,” I frowned. “But Tyler didn’t get the chance to see his plan come to fruition…And so, when he died, I decided that I’d see it through. I wasn’t in a place where I could afford it…But now I can. I want you both to have the life you deserve, and that starts with a house fitting of how wonderful you are.”
“Blair,” Marge sighed.
“Let me pitch it to you another way,” I laughed cheekily. “I’m going to buy this house, whether you object or not. So...”
“We can’t,” Tom tried but was overwhelmed by his man emotions. “It’s too much.”
“It’s not,” I argued warmly. “It’s hardly enough…You guys are my family. You take care of your family.”
“What about Carolyn?” Marge asked cautiously.
I waved her off, “Carolyn doesn’t need to be taken care of. I ran it by her, and she agreed—this is the best way I can think of to repay you both for being with me all these years…You gave me a family when mine fell apart. I can never thank you enough for being a mother to me, Marge…or a father to me, Tom…But this is the way to start.”
Marge was crying by that point.
“Do you want to live here or not?” I asked firmly. “We can look at other properties if this isn’t what you want—”
“Give us a minute,” Tom choked, pulling his wife aside.
Ultimately, they agreed. It was under duress, Tom had noted purposefully. But they’d agreed. So, I made an offer at list price without conditions and without escrow. I didn’t want anyone coming in and scooping it up while I was back home.
By morning, it was a done deal.
We agreed to never speak a word about it again. That was my one and only condition; I didn’t want a word of it breathed to the press or anyone outside of our circle. I didn’t want it mentioned when I came to visit, and I didn’t want it used as a means to harbor unfounded forms of debt to me.
“Your viewing party can double as a farewell to the house party,” I laughed as I got ready to head back to the airport and back to my life.
Marge was teary as she held me in her arms, muttering thank you’s into my ear. I told them to call if they needed anything else, or if the lawyers needed anymore signatures—but I was sure it could all be handled from California.
I set off in the back of a cab, watching my hometown flash around me. There was no time to visit Carolyn, but I did have one more stop that I absolutely had to make, despite how much I dreaded it.
The taxi dropped me off outside the metal gates and I had to take a few minutes to work myself up enough to step inside.
My steps were slow and steady as I made my way to my past. The trees were full and bright, as they always were in July in Massachusetts. It was almost beautiful. You know, if it wasn’t full of death.
When I spotted him, it was like being shot in the chest. It had never gotten any easier to weather it…but it was something that I knew, in time, I’d get used to. Maybe.
I sat in the grass, reading Tyler’s name over and over as if I’d never heard it before. The wind was the only sound in the place, quiet against my loud thoughts.
It was always strange to me, to talk to a grave. I was sure that if somehow they did linger on, they wouldn’t be tied to their plot. However, it was where he lay…And so, a piece of him would be there forever. It was the closest we could get to seeing him again.
“I bought your parents a house today,” I said softly, feeling completely weird for talking to myself. “It’s beautiful…and it’s massive. You would have loved it.”
When no response came, I felt even more foolish. It wasn’t like I was expecting to hear his voice or anything…but…
“I’m sorry I don’t come back here more often…It’s hard, you know? I feel like a fucking idiot talking to the grass right now. So…If you can hear me, it isn’t your fault I’m being awkward.”
I made myself laugh.
“I’ve been nominated for three Grammys,” I told him—just in case. “So…That’s next week…I don’t think I’ll win or anything, but…I really wish you could come with me anyway. We could put on our fanciest wear and get totally shit faced at the after party. Make spectacles of ourselves like we used to…”
The leaves in the tree hanging over my head jostled in the wind. I’m not sure why, but it made me feel less estranged from the situation.
“I’m still really mad at you.”
Saying it out loud brought up feelings that I didn’t know I still had. It was something I’d kept locked up and held in private for so long that I’d started to doubt I’d ever truly felt it at all. But I was bitter and I was angry. I wasn’t sure if it would fade away in time, but I knew it was something I couldn’t say to anyone but Tyler.
“You totally derailed my life, Ty,” I sputtered bitterly. “And you weren’t there to yell at…You weren’t there to fight with…You left me behind, and for what? Where’d you go, huh? What were you in such a rush to get to that you couldn’t wait for me?”
Silence. God damn silence.
I pushed back my heart before it snapped in half.
Clearing my throat awkwardly, I ran my fingers through the grass that had grown in atop of my best friend, “I really miss you…I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. But you know me, I can’t just say that…I hate that you left me. I hate that you honestly thought I’d be fine without you. If you truly believed that, then I’m just…I’m not sure if you really did know me like I thought you did…”
This was proving to be too much. There were only so many feelings that I was willing to endure in one given day and I’d pretty much reached my quote early in the morning. I climbed to my feet, taking a deep breath and skimming his name one last time.
“I’m figuring it out…And I’m ninety-nine percent sure that you can’t hear me…but if you can, I hope you’re happy. I hope you found the peace that you were looking for…I’m still finding mine.”
I took a step to leave but stopped myself, feeling the need to make one last thought perfectly clear.
“You were wrong about Brian, by the way,” I swallowed hard. “He’s the only thing left in my life…He didn’t fuck me over like you said he would. He’s still there—he’s always been there. You fucked me over, Tyler. And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you. I miss you and I love you…but I can’t forgive you.”
As I walked away from him, I was sure that I’d never come back.

Notes

:(

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@Jenny117
T-Minus one hour!! The wait is almost over!! :)

fyction fyction
5/6/19

Scared yes but still extremely excited

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

I am so ready for the next one!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

@Buggaloo
Me too!! Nervous excited .. but excited!!

fyction fyction
5/6/19