Through All the Dust

“God dammit, Blair,” Brian squealed happily, lifting me off my feet and into his chest. “That was…Fuck.”
“Fuck?” I laughed nervously, stealing a quick kiss.
He set me back down carefully, shaking his head with a delightful little grin, “You were incredible.”
It was hard to pin down what I was feeling—embarrassed, maybe. Haven was strange in that way; I’d never felt anything was personal, and I’d never been vulnerable. Whereas when I was on my own, pouring my heart and soul out, there was nothing and no one to hide behind. It was just me. Alone and open and broken.
“Did I bum everyone out?” I snickered.
He laughed a little, “Maybe. But in the best fucking way possible.”
My guys had only taken a few minutes to celebrate our first show’s success before retreating out to their seats to enjoy the show. I didn’t roll like that. I hung back in the wings and backstage to better enjoy what the night had to offer. I’d watched Good Charlotte rock the stage, trying to hide my girly excitement when Joel Madden first opened his mouth to sing.
“Blair?” a familiar, mousy voice interrupted Brian and I.
I peered over my shoulder to find Chris with his tail between his legs. My head tilted subconsciously as I spun around to face him, leaning on my crutches with all of my weight.
“I just wanted to, uh…You were really great,” he tried to smile at me. “Despite everything that’s happened…I’m…I don’t even know what to say to you.”
With an eyebrow cocked, I seethed, “Then don’t say anything.”
He nodded nervously, “I’m…I’m really glad you’re okay.”
His eyes traced my body, lingering over my busted up leg. I was immediately discomforted as I tried to hide within myself.
“Thanks,” I forced.
Chris nodded again, giving Brian a weird head nod before ducking away, retreating to his current family. My former family. I’m not sure why, really, but I was jealous. Maybe it’s because I used to belong—I used to belong to something bigger than myself.
“Blair!” Mona squealed, running at me and, obviously, forgetting once more that we were not currently friends. “You were so good!”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
Brian nudged my back softly. It was the Haner way of letting me know that I was being less than friendly. I knew it, I just didn’t really care. I was angry.
“Hey, Bri,” she smiled. “Could I borrow your girl for a second? I promise I’ll bring her back.”
“In one piece, please,” Brian smirked. “I’m going to go see if the guys made it back here yet.”
I nodded at him, watching him walk away so that I wouldn’t have to face Mona. She wasn’t having that, though. She stepped directly before me.
“Do you need a smoke yet?” she smiled.
While I wanted to lie and say no, she knew me all too well. So, we walked in silence through the endless corridors and out back, security keeping a watchful eye. We stepped out into the cool Los Angeles night—it was a huge shift from the roaring echoes and stuffy air inside the venue.
I pulled my pack from my back pocket and lit one immediately.
“Could I?” she asked, reaching out a little for a cigarette.
I eyed her suspiciously but acquiesced to her request anyway. She used my lighter to light her smoke, choking immediately as she inhaled. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You sounded great,” she told me quietly. “I think it’s the best I’ve ever seen you.”
I pulled on my cigarette.
“Have I ever told you about my brother?” she asked me.
My head shook.
She sighed, “He’s my twin brother—”
“You have a twin?” I choked.
She laughed, “Yeah…He’s older…by twelve minutes. He never, ever lets me forget that, though.”
“How did I not know that?”
Mona shrugged awkwardly, as if biting back what it is she really wanted to say.
I bit, “What?”
“You just…never really asked,” she said weakly.
“I never asked if you have a twin brother?” I teased. “Can you really punish me for that?”
“You’ve never asked about my family…at all,” she clarified carefully. “You know all about Lauren’s family…I try not to take it personally, since you and I have more of a working relationship than anything—”
“Mona,” I interjected with a frown. “You know that isn’t true.”
She challenged me, “It is. It absolutely is. And it’s fine…But because of that, I think there are some things that you don’t understand about me.”
My mind was racing trying to pull up a single example of Mona’s life that I was privy to knowledge of. I was devastated to come up short. Was I really that shitty of a friend? Were we actually just working pals and nothing more? Had I overstepped a bound I didn’t know existed by asking her to be a bridesmaid? If we weren’t really friends, why would she have accepted?
It was safe to say that I was confused…and guilty.
“His name is Jake,” she told me, sensing my inner turmoil. “And when we were seventeen, we snuck out after dark to go and see this movie—”
“Which movie?” I asked dumbly.
She stifled a laugh, “The Last Samurai.”
I nodded, “That’s a good movie.”
“I’ve never seen it,” she replied sadly. “We didn’t make it into the theatre…Jake blew through a red light; he wasn’t paying attention and…Anyway…someone rammed straight into the side of us.”
My heart was on edge.
“Jake got really fucked up,” she told me gravely. “I was fine…I fractured my wrist but that was really about it….Jake suffered some serious head trauma, though…”
I listened nervously as she continued.
“He’s okay,” she told me, sensing my fear. “But…He wasn’t…for a long time…and he’s just…He’s really, really different now. You know? It’s like he hit his head and boom; he was a whole new person. We hardly speak now…I see him twice a year for holidays and that’s about the extent of it.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t really sure why she thought that was a good time to bring up this childhood trauma to me.
“It isn’t something I like to talk about,” she said knowingly. “You and I are really similar in that way, I guess.”
“I guess,” I mimicked softly.
She faltered, smashing the cigarette to the ground, “Anyway…When Justin told me what happened…I panicked. I went up to the hospital a couple of times the first week you were there but they told me you couldn’t see me. They only let Brian and your aunt in…After that, I just had this, like…horrible anxiety about the whole thing….Jay told me you were okay—that you’d be okay…But I was so afraid that you’d be different. I couldn’t bear the thought of coming to see you and you not being the woman that I know…It’s selfish, I know that—”
“It’s not entirely selfish,” I assured her softly.
“I should have pushed passed it,” she continued angrily. “It shouldn’t have mattered.”
“Mona,” I sighed. “I’m not ever going to crucify you for having conflictions. Lord knows I’m not perfect…I’ve had my share of inconvenient anxieties. It’s been three years and I’ve been to Tyler’s grave exactly twice.”
She frowned.
“I get it,” I finally said, taking one last puff of my smoke. “It sucked…you know, not having you around for the last month…But I get it.”
“Do you?” she replied, almost excitedly.
I laughed awkwardly, “Sure…Thanks for telling me.”
“Are we okay?” she asked abruptly.
“Apparently not,” I half-smiled. “I’m fine with what happened…But I’m still stuck on the whole work friends thing.”
She looked at me strangely.
“I don’t want to be work friends,” I sighed. “I thought we were close…So, I guess I’m feeling a little stupid.”
She smirked, “We are close…But we’re not Lauren and Blair close by any means.”
“I don’t—”
“It’s okay,” she chuckled. “I know that everyone gets one. But maybe we need to work on being more open with one another, you know?”
I nodded.
“I’m always here, Blair,” she told me sternly. “I know that I wasn’t with…You know. But I’m here now…And I am really, really sorry.”
“I believe you,” I assured her, gesturing to the door. “We should get back in there.”
“Am I still a bridesmaid?” she asked with a laugh.
I shrugged, “I don’t have any other friends.”
“Shut up,” she groaned playfully.
Mona and I chummed around for the rest of the night, Avenged was denied by security and although they fought it, they ultimately were forced back into the crowd. Brian had returned, boasting about being on ‘the list’, to explain what had happened.
“You should go hang with them,” I told him. “I think I need some girl time with Mona.”
“Girl time?” he grinned. “Like pillow fights and underwear?”
I nodded seriously, “Yes, that’s right. Here in this very public venue, Mona and I are going to go full on lesbian.”
“I’m into it,” Brian laughed. “I’ll come back after LP?”
“I’ll meet you right here.”
He smiled, stealing my face to plant gentle kisses on my lips, “Enjoy Chester Bennington.”
“Oh, I will,” I grinned, giving Brian a very stern slap on the rear as he left me.
Mona neared me, watching Brian disappear passed security, “I love how much you two love each other. It’s admirable.”
“It’s not,” I laughed awkwardly. “It just…is what it is.”
“I’m glad that my fourth love is my last love,” Mona giggled. “It was an exhausting search.”
“Fourth?” I gasped a little. “You’ve loved four people in your life?”
She nodded, “Some more seriously than others but…yeah.”
This was a foreign concept to me. I hadn’t loved anyone else—you know, if we’re not counting platonic love. Which I don’t.
“Why?” she asked suspiciously. “What’s Brian? Second? Third?”
“First,” I said, my cheeks flushed.
Her eyes widened, “First?”
I laughed, shaking my head at her, “I told you, I don’t get out much.”
“You? Blair Peterson? You were never in love with anyone before Brian?”
“Is that weird?” I asked slowly. “I didn’t…really…date…”
She looked completely flabbergasted, “I seriously can’t digest that. You’re so…Wow.”
“You’re embarrassing me,” I told her awkwardly.
“I’m sorry,” she smiled. “It’s not weird. If anything, I’m jealous. Your first love is also your last…how fucking cute is that?”
I’d been called many a thing…but I wasn’t particularly fond of ‘cute’. Especially not in terms of my inexperience in regards to the whole love thing.
But I guess I was lucky—and I guess she was right.
“I’m glad we’re good,” I told her, intention to change the subject high. “I’ve missed this.”
She smiled fondly, “Me too.”
Before we could get too mushy, Linkin Park was called to the stage. Mona and I looked to each other like teenagers staking out their favourite band’s bus. We grinned from ear to ear, immediately racing over to the wings as fast as possible.
Chester Bennington was more beautiful than I could have imagined. As he spoke into the mic, chills coursed through my skin.
“You know, I was wrong,” I smirked at Mona. “Chester Bennington was my first love!”
She nodded, wide-eyed, “Amen to that!”

Notes

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