Through All the Dust

Brian was hiding out in the kitchen, mumbling into his cell phone so that I couldn’t hear. I knew what he was up to—he wasn’t nearly as mysterious as he was constantly pegging himself to be. The guys were all itching to get back to work but Brian was dragging his feet. He’d spewed off every excuse in the book to postpone his inevitable return to the studio. The reality was that he just wasn’t ready to leave me.
So, I took some responsibility for my own care and shot Lauren a quick text. She responded right away and was elated to come and keep me company.
With much dread, I pushed myself from the comfort of my couch cushions, pausing my movie, and hobbled toward the kitchen. My clutch clicked on the hardwood as I struggled along. Brian was pacing back and forth, at first not noticing my momentum at all. But when he caught sight of me, he quickly flipped his phone shut and darted to my aid.
“I’m fine, Brian,” I groaned as he tried to take some of my weight.
“You are not fine,” he insisted. “You should be laying down.”
I rolled my eyes, frustrated beyond words with how coddled I’d become. I longed for my freedom, even if just to walk myself to another room in our house.
“That’s all I fucking do,” I hissed. “The doctor said moving around is good for healing. So shove it, Haner.”
He smirked just a little; enough that I was sure I wasn’t in trouble.
“Besides, I was trying to come and get your attention,” I continued on, finally making it to the island and collapsing into a stool.
It was depressing how exhausted I’d become from the simplest of gestures. Sometimes shifting my position on the couch was enough to leave me breathless. How far the mighty had fallen. I longed for the comfort of my mattress, which I still had yet to sleep on. I missed my master ensuite and big tub. The guest room was fine enough for now, but it just didn’t feel like home. It wasn’t the room where Brian and I had slept together for years. Even with Brian’s head on the pillow next to me, the room felt temporary and stale.
Or maybe it was just the halt I’d found my life to be in. Maybe that was stale.
“What’s up?” Brian asked me, leaning on the counter across from where my head rested on my elbows.
“Who was on the phone?” I asked knowingly.
He shook his head, “Nothing important.”
“Can you please just go to work?” I asked pleadingly but with a laugh. “This is getting ridiculous.”
“It wasn’t work,” he lied.
I raised my eyebrows, “Brian Haner, don’t you god damn lie to me.”
The ends of his lips betrayed him as they curved into a devious grin, “Last time I went to work, you almost died.”
“You’re being so dramatic that it’s going to cause me to have an aneurysm,” I groaned. “I’m a grown ass woman. I do not need my boyfriend shepherding me around the house all day, every day. You need to get back to your life, Bri. I’m fine.”
“Blair,” he challenged me. “What if you need to get upstairs? What if you trip? What if—”
“You can do that all day long,” I retorted smugly. “It doesn’t change shit. I need some alone time and you need to go to work. If you don’t, I swear to god I will stab you in your sleep.”
Brian laughed deeply, “Jesus Christ. Do you need a nap?”
I whined loudly, moving off the stool and using the island as a balancing point to maneuver around to Brian’s side. I nuzzled beneath his arm and into his chest, wrapping my arms around him tightly.
“If you keep treating me like a victim, I’m going to revert to that mentality,” I told him with a frown.
He squeezed me a little tighter, “I just…Fuck, Blair.”
“What?” I insisted, looking up at him with begging eyes.
“I’m terrified of something happening to you while I’m not around,” he told me seriously. “I swear, every time I’m not with you, I’m fucking panicking that you’re not breathing.”
“Honey,” I cooed.
“I know it isn’t all about the accident,” he sighed. “Jimmy has definitely given me some mortality issues…I just need you. Is it really so wrong that I want to ensure you’re safe?”
I lamented, “No, it isn’t wrong.”
“I see what you’re saying though,” he gave in reluctantly. “I guess things have to go back to normal sometime…”
“No time like the present,” I smiled.
“I’ll go,” he breathed. “But just know that it’s under duress.”
“Noted,” I nodded.
He lifted his arms to bring his hands upward to cup my face. His head tilted ever so slightly as his eyes pressed themselves into mine.
“What’s wrong?” I asked sadly.
He clenched his jaw, “Nothing…I’m just…grateful, I guess.”
“That’s sweet.”
“If you go,” he told me. “I’m coming after you. I don’t care where it is you take off to…I’m not staying behind without you.”
I frowned, “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You better fucking not,” he smirked.
He kissed me quickly but sweetly before finally releasing me. I know he was tempted to offer to help me back to the couch, but he resisted. Smart man. He shot out a quick text to an unknown recipient and then stuffed his phone into his pocket.
I thought about what life without Brian would look like. If he were to disappear now, what would I do? Would I jump off that cliff after him?
The answer was a horrifying yes.
I’d never had my life so wrapped up in another human being. Tyler, I guess. But that felt a little more like obligation than devotion. Brian was my whole world—and everything inside it. He was the light of the stars in the dark sky, and the warm glow of daylight sunshine. He was the breeze that kept my life from turning musty. He was the biggest part of me—the best part of me.
I watched as he gathered up his things, his mind distracted by needs. His face was pained but he didn’t seem to notice at all.
I limped my way toward him, but sat myself on the coffee table halfway. The journey was too long and my lungs couldn’t bear the responsibility. Brian finally noticed me staring him down and he looked instantly nervous.
“What?” he asked with a laugh.
I smiled fondly, “Nothing, just admiring the view.”
“Did you take your meds today?” he teased, disappearing around the corner.
I could hear him thumping around on the floor above me. He’d gone to fetch his guitars, I’d assumed. And, sure enough, soon he was back, a guitar case in each hand.
“I guess that’s it,” he shrugged. “I’ll be home…later?”
“Take your time,” I insisted. “Lauren’s coming to keep me company…and give you piece of mind.”
Brian chuckled, “I appreciate that.”
“Go have fun,” I beamed. “Go make us some money.”
He laughed, shaking his head at me as he approached me to plant an adoring kiss on my lips.
“You’re crazy,” he smiled at me as we broke apart.
“Yes,” I nodded once.
He turned to leave but a sudden pressing, and strange, thought cross my mind. It demanded attention immediately.
“Bri?” I called to his back.
He turned to look over his shoulder.
“Do you think we’d find each other?” I asked oddly.
He furrowed his brows at me.
“In the afterlife,” I laughed. “Or any life. Do you think we’d find our way back to each other?”
He nodded, grinning from ear to ear, “This life, the next life, every life. I’d find you and I’d choose you.”
“Good,” I giggled. “Now get out of here.”
The house was weirdly quiet once Brian pulled out of our driveway. I’d been longing for the calm but now that I had it, it was almost unnerving. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. So, naturally, I disobeyed Brian’s objections.
With the crutch under one arm, and a serious motivation, I made my way outside. I limped from the front door to the garage and slid in through the back door, suspicious and nervous that Brian would pull back in any second and bust me. Sometimes I was sure that I was still a child.
I flicked on the lights and immediately felt the air kick free of my chest. My beautiful Camaro was in absolute shambles. The front end was pushed into the interior. The roof was crumpled. I made my way around to the driver’s side, tempted to see what my impact had looked like.
The door had been cut away to free me of the vehicle. I hadn’t remembered that—but the state of my door was a pretty good indicator that Brian hadn’t exaggerated one bit. Looking at the seat, I was astounded. I was appalled.
I heard Lauren’s car pull in. She had always had expert timing, I’d give her that. Despite my serious impulse to hide away in the garage, I didn’t think it wise to worry her. So, I hit the button on the wall to force the garage wall to lift.
Lauren was just climbing out of her car, she eyed me oddly.
“Hey,” I said awkwardly.
She smirked, “Whatchya doing?”
“Marveling,” I shrugged. “Have you seen the Camaro yet?”
She shook her head, taking remarkably slow steps toward me, and the car by default. Her eyes wandered from one end to the other. She was distressed, it was clear.
“Jesus,” she sighed loudly. “This is…Wow.”
I nodded in understanding, gesturing to the seat where I’d been the day my life had been derailed. Her jaw dropped.
“It’s one thing to hear about it, you know?” she said without looking at me. “But to see it…”
“I know,” I half-laughed. “How the fuck am I still alive?”
Her eyes shot up to meet mine. She didn’t like that.
“Are you kidding?”
I hesitated, “…No?”
“You’ve got an army of people looking out for you from the other side,” she said so seriously that you could almost mistake it as fact. “There’s no way Jimmy wasn’t looking out for you.”
“If you believe in that sort of thing,” I shrugged her off, my hand finding Jimmy’s cross tucked beneath my shirt without thinking.
Her eyes widened, “How could you not? Look at this fucking mess, Blair. You walked away from that!”
“I wouldn’t say walked,” I joked.
“It’s either a miracle,” she shrugged. “Or you have a guardian angel…or two.”
“I don’t believe in guardian angels,” I told her seriously.
She waved me off. I figured if she wanted to believe in them, she could believe in them enough for the both of us. After another few minutes of admiring the car with great despair, Lauren had enough.
“Come on,” she sighed. “This is giving me anxiety.”
I laughed, “The thought of replacing it gives me anxiety.”
She rolled her eyes playfully at me. She knew better than to offer to help me, but that didn’t stop her from shutting down the garage for me. As she flicked off the light, I swore I heard her mumble something of a thank you. I wasn’t sure who she was thanking, but I hoped she thanked them for me too.

Notes

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