Through All the Dust

After a surgery that rendered me unconscious for nearly sixteen hours and countless IVs, stitch removal, and re-casting, I was finally fit to be released. I was excited to get home to my bed and my flat screen television (the tiny screen in my hospital room would flicker with static and was constantly turning itself off), but I was hesitant to be released with my pain. It had hardly relented at all, especially in my hip. The doctor assured me that this was normal and that I’d probably always feel that pain—is assured the right word?
I was mostly excited that Brian would get to resume his life. He’d been by my side nearly every waking second of every day. Once I was home, I was hopeful that we could resume some sort of normalcy—and that maybe Brian would peel his eyes away from me for a second.
“Happy?” Brian asked me with a smile as he took my hands and helped me down from the bed and into a flimsy wheelchair.
I nodded, holding my sweater tight to my chest.
Brian had made a few runs downstairs to the car already to pack up all of my belongings and the sweet gestures people had been sending my way.
“Let’s get you home then,” Brian said breathily as he pushed us out from my temporary home and into the hall.
It was so nice to escape that room. Almost nice enough that I could ignore the pounding in my leg.
He wheeled me down hallway after hallway, only a few were familiar from the rare occasions that I’d ventured down to the cafeteria with Lauren. Brian refused to let me make that journey and was adamant that he’d bring me back whatever I wanted. It was sweet, but it was also concerning. I had a sneaking suspicion that I’d never be left alone again.
“Should we race that guy?” Brian asked cheekily, pointing to an old man spinning himself in excited circles down the hall.
I laughed, “Maybe next time.”
“There better not be a next time,” Brian retorted. “If we could never revisit this experience, it will be too soon.”
I smiled up at him, “I’ll try my hardest not to almost die again.”
“That’s all I ask.”
He helped me into the car and instructed me to stay put while he wheeled the chair back into the hospital. The car smelled so strongly of Brian that I couldn’t help but overdose on the scent. It took me back—way back. It was like getting into his car for the first time. I ran my hands across the dash, the stereo flashing my name in blue.
He hopped into the driver’s seat and eyed me strangely.
“Missing me?” I teased, tapping at the little screen.
He nodded, “Always.”
We slowly pulled out from the hospital grounds and onto the main street. Brian kept with the pace of traffic and we were mostly quiet. I’d changed the stereo over to the radio and was trying to busy my frantic mind with the static noise.
Inside, I was panicking.
Each car that zoomed past us caused my heart to lurch. My chest was tight. I tried not to be too obvious, but my grip on the door handle was probably a dead giveaway.
“Do you need me to pull over?” Brian asked knowingly, glancing in my direction a couple of times.
I shook my head, biting at my lip with a hunger, “No, I’m okay.”
Brian kept a watchful eye on me as we continued the drive back to our house. I eventually resorted to pursing my eyes tightly shut and focusing on my breathing until we finally came to a stop.
“We’re home,” Brian said sweetly, brushing my arm with his hand.
He helped me out of the car, handing one lone crutch to me so that I could hobble up to the house. I was waiting for my wrist to heal so that I could, at the very least, use both crutches and make my walking life way easier. This would have to do in the meantime.
I collapsed onto the couch with a groan. Brian continued to bring things in, tossing them lamely into the foyer before finally plopping himself down onto the couch next to me. He looked my body up and down and while he normally glimmered with adoration, he was ripe with sympathy. I cringed a little with discomfort.
“What do you want to watch?” he asked me softly. “Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“I need a cigarette,” I chuckled. “Like a whole pack of them.”
He smiled, taking my hands to pull me back to my feet—err…foot. He walked at my pace through the house and out the back, where he helped me sit myself down in the patio chair. The sun felt like pure heroin.
“Fuck that’s good,” I cooed, reveling in the California glow. “I’ve missed being outside.”
Brian laughed.
He handed me a cigarette which I lit greedily. I wasted no time pulling a giant cloud of smoke into my lungs—I choked a little, much to my dismay.
“So?” Brian hummed, lighting his own smoke. “What does my girl want to do today?”
“Sleep,” I smirked.
He eyed me weirdly, “That’s all you’ve done for weeks.”
“I know,” I nodded. “But I keep hoping that I’ll wake up to find this has all been a bad dream. Besides…There’s nothing better than sleeping in your own home, you know?”
“Whatever you want,” Brian soothed.
The next few days were similar. I did a lot of sleeping on the couch, a bit of eating, and a ton of smoking out back. Brian was by my side for all of it. I’d encouraged him to get back into the studio, but he’d bit back and informed me that the guys had agreed that I was more important. The album could wait.
“Your babysitter is here,” Brian called to me from the front of the house.
I couldn’t help but laugh, “I’m a grown ass woman, Bri. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Maybe so,” he grinned, joining me in the kitchen. “But she’s here.”
Brian had finally agreed to leave the house—to go and fetch my car from the impound lot. I was adamant that even if it was a total write-off, I wanted it home. I wanted to say goodbye, at the very least. Brian wasn’t one to argue with me, so he’d paid the fees and he and Matt were set to go and retrieve it.
That meant that I’d be alone for an afternoon, which didn’t sit well with my almost husband. He was weary of me, especially with the copious amount of medication I was still taking for the pain.
So, naturally, he’d called in Lauren. She was more than thrilled to take on the responsibility. To my horror, she let herself in—and the numerous board games she’d brought.
“It’s Monopoly time, bitch!” she giggled, shaking the boxes at me.
I looked at Brian with pure damnation. He was cackling like an idiot.
“You two have fun,” Brian purred, planting a soft kiss on my cheek. “Don’t let her die, Lauren.”
“I would never,” she assured him with a wink. “Unless you can actually die of boredom…then…no promises.”
Brian shook his head, excusing himself back to his life for a brief window. Lauren and I settled ourselves at the coffee table, playing tunes off the TV to break up the silence of my house. She insisted we play Monopoly—the one board game that I truly cannot stand.
“If you’re fine with ending our friendship,” I grinned. “And cleaning up the mess when I flip this table.”
She’d agreed and was already destroying me.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked oddly, snatching up the dice into her hands.
I looked to her to continue her thoughts.
“What was it like?” she asked slowly.
My brows furrowed themselves, “What was what like?”
She moved her thimble seven spaces and began pulling out bills to purchase the property, “Getting into an accident like that…do you remember it?”
I shifted my weight around, “Um…I can remember bits…”
“I’m just curious,” she rushed. “You obviously don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“Lo,” I laughed. “It’s fine.”
She frowned a little, “I was really afraid you were going to die…”
“I know,” I sighed. “Me too.”
“You’re okay though? I mean…you know,” she tapped at the side of her head. “Up here?”
“Seemingly,” I shrugged. “I’ve been feeling a lot less…whatever I was feeling. But I’m also on a shit ton of drugs, so who knows,” I added with a laugh.
“Whatever works,” she smiled.
I rolled a whopping collective three. With an obligatory roll of my eyes, I moved my car and paid Lauren her rent.
“So what do you remember?” she asked again. “What are the bits?”
“I can remember leaving my house,” I told her confidently, hesitating as I tried to recollect the rest.
It had been coming back to me piece by piece, but there were still parts that I couldn’t remember at all. It was the going theory that I’d been unconscious for a good chunk of the time, which would easily explain my lack of memory. It was probably better that way, anyway.
“I remember driving…” I paused. “And watching another car come straight at me.”
Lauren’s eyes widened, “You must have been so scared.”
“I don’t remember,” I sighed a little. “I’m not sure there was time to be afraid.”
“Do you remember anything else?”
I shrugged, “I can sort of remember faces…blurred, though…like something straight out of a movie,” I smiled. “I can remember Brian’s voice.”
She smiled subtly at this.
“I had really fucking weird dreams,” I told her seriously as she bought up yet another property. “They were more like memories…The whole thing was super fucked up.”
She nodded, “It was. We were all…You know.”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “But I’m okay now. A little busted up…but okay.”
“Thank goodness for that,” she said seriously. “After losing Jimmy…I don’t think I could handle losing you. You are the one real light in my life, B. So…Thanks for being a fighter, I guess.”
“Stop being sentimental,” I groaned lightly. “Just play your stupid game.”
But the truth was that I was also feeling pretty sentimental those days. I’d never been more grateful for anything in my life…for Brian, for Lauren…for my beating heart inside my otherwise cold chest. I was, above all else, living. And with that, I held no qualms.

Notes

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