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Through All the Dust

Chapter Twenty-Six: To Challenge Me

“Shit,” Matt sighed. “Blair, don’t cry.”
I fanned at my weepy face, “I’m sorry.”
“We didn’t mean to upset you,” Zacky frowned. “We just thought…”
I was trying to collect myself using deep breaths and tons of hand fanning. It wasn’t working, though. The tears streamed down my face despite my desire to stop them. I wasn’t even really sure what the problem was. Nothing had happened.
And yet…
“Don’t feel like you have to—” Matt started but was stopped when the door flew open with a crash and an angry Brian flew in.
Brian took one look at me before flying off the handle.
“Are you fucking kidding?” Brian roared. “This,” he growled, gesturing to me as I continued to sob, “Is why I said fucking no.”
“Bri—” Zacky tried.
Brian snapped. Something inside of his beautiful head snapped.
He grabbed Zacky by the shirt and pulled him up close. Matt jumped into action, stepping between them with testosterone flowing.
“Fuck, Brian,” Matt panted. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Brian shook his head, muttering to himself. This was all enough to snap me out of my dark outburst and back into reality. I grabbed Brian by the flexed arm and pulled him away. I pushed them through the door and into the hallway, where he immediately started pacing back and forth. He ran his fingers through his hair, grumbling to himself all the while.
“What is happening?” I asked, feeling perplexed and a little afraid.
He pointed a finger at me, “I told them not to fucking ask you.”
“It’s okay,” I assured him as calmly as possible. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not fucking okay,” Brian snapped at me. “Are you fucking kidding?”
“Brian, it was just a question,” I said weakly. “It makes perfect sense why—”
“I can’t fucking lose you,” he managed from the back of his throat. “I can’t fucking handle it.”
“You’re not—”
He paced back and forth again, “I don’t want anyone rubbing your fucking nose in it. I don’t care about what they’re trying to accomplish. I don’t fucking care about the song. About the album.”
“No one is rubbing my nose in anything,” I told him sadly.
He stopped, turned, and I could see the emotion welling up in his face. His eyes were broken. His hands were shaking.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he told me weakly. “I told them it wasn’t a good idea. I…I can’t have you going somewhere that I can’t fucking pull you back from.”
“It’s just a song, Brian,” I whispered.
He shook his head, “We both know that isn’t true.”
“Bri…”
“You mean to tell me that you’re going to be able to sit there, listening to that fucking song over and over…Jimmy’s song. You’d have to play it from his demo. You’d have to play it with him. You can handle that? You can handle playing over Jimmy?”
I had no words.
“It’s like thin fucking ice with you lately,” he continued hysterically. “I can’t let you do something that’s going to jeopardize…I can’t fucking lose you.”
I took a step toward him but he flinched back. He looked at me warningly.
“Brian,” I tried again, more sternly this time.
“What?” he groaned loudly, running his hands through his hair once more. “Am I wrong? You can handle it? Last I checked you can’t even handle your fucking day-to-day life without him. You’re pretty far off your rocker already, Blair.”
My jaw dropped a little against my will.
“The mere mention of playing that fucking song was enough to break you,” he told me angrily. “And I told them it would be. I fucking told them.”
I recognized myself in Brian in that specific moment. It was like watching my feelings through a hazy mirror. He was angry and he was confused—he was still very much grieving. This had less to do with me than it had to do with control. He was so out of control.
“Brian,” I said once more, stepping toward him with absolute authority and cupping his face in my hands. “Stop.”
His eyes were lined with salty tears, he tried to break away from me but I only tightened my grip. It was my turn to do the saving.
“I can handle it,” I told him firmly. “What’s the alternative? You hire someone to do it?”
“Maybe that’s better,” he told me seriously, his eyes pleading with mine.
I sighed, “You know that it isn’t.”
“I just don’t care,” he breathed. “Avenged can be done. I don’t care.”
“Stop,” I begged, giving his face one subtle shake. “You don’t mean that. You know it and I know it. Jimmy would be so—”
“Jimmy isn’t anything,” Brian barked, pulling away from me and stepping back. “Jimmy isn’t here.”
“I’m aware of that,” I bit back.
“Oh, I know you are,” his voice shook as he spoke. “It wasn’t enough that I lost my best friend. It’s an ongoing struggle to fucking keep you here, too.”
I gasped, “You know that isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it?” he snarled. “I can get behind artistic expression, Blair. I get it. But have you listened to the songs you’ve been fucking writing? You seriously think those don’t elicit red flags in my mind? You think I don’t know what’s going on with you?”
I was a deer in headlights. I thought I’d been so subtle and so smooth in hiding my idealizations. Sure, people knew I was going through something…Sure, I was depressed. But it had never dawned on me that Brian might be privy to my occasional suicidal intentions.
My heart beat wildly in my frozen chest.
“I’ll fucking hate you forever,” he told me with venom dripping from his teeth. “If you leave me like that…I’ll never fucking forgive you.”
The sound of those words escaping from his lips was an impact I couldn’t neglect. I’d said those very same words to Tyler on many, many occasions. Do you know what they’d accomplished?
Well, he died. So, I’m sure you can extrapolate.
And it was true. That was the real punchline of it all. I hadn’t really forgiven Tyler at all for what he’d done to me. What he’d done to my life. I wasn’t sure if I hated him—but I knew that Brian would. He’d hate me for eternity and he’d abandon me in any afterlife we found ourselves in.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said flatly.
He rolled his eyes.
“Fuck, Brian,” I hissed. “I’m not god damn going anywhere.”
My outburst caught his attention. He ceased his pacing long enough to look at me.
“I swear on everything I have left,” I caught myself pleading. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you…Not now. Not ever.”
“I’m sorry,” he broke. “I’m sorry this is happening. I’m sorry that I haven’t been—”
“Stop,” I begged, pushing myself into him again. “Just…stop.”
“You can’t do that fucking song,” he said coldly. “You can’t. It isn’t a good idea.”
I reached up to take his face into my palms once more, reassuring him with all that I had to give, “It’s Jimmy’s last song…I’ll hate myself forever if I don’t try.”
“Blair, I can’t—”
“You won’t,” I said knowingly. “You won’t.”
He swallowed hard.
I ran my fingers passed his cheek and laced them in the hairs that fell just below his ear. I tilted my head a little, melting into his soul as I’d always done before. He finally softened, if only a little.
“So long as I can touch you…If I can still love you,” I said quietly. “You know I’m never leaving this place.”
He nodded, reaching up to take one of my hands into his. We stayed that way for a minute—just being.
“You need to apologize,” I told him frankly once the frustrations had passed. “To Zacky.”
Brian frowned.
“He didn’t deserve your little…outburst,” I told Brian with a faint smile. “And now you have to apologize.”
“I know,” he grumbled.
“Come on,” I encourage, gesturing to the door with my head. “You have an apology to make and I have a demo to retrieve.”
“Are you sure you want to do it?” Brian asked me hesitantly. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea.”
I nodded slowly, “I want to…But I can’t do it here. I can’t do it surrounded by people…I’ll bring it home…I’ll take some deep breaths…and I’ll learn to play Fiction.”

Notes

Oh, Brian. :(

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@Jenny117
T-Minus one hour!! The wait is almost over!! :)

fyction fyction
5/6/19

Scared yes but still extremely excited

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

I am so ready for the next one!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

@Buggaloo
Me too!! Nervous excited .. but excited!!

fyction fyction
5/6/19