Through All the Dust

Lauren and I pulled up to my house, she was glowing with excitement from the appointment. Any disruptions in our relationship had been forgotten and we were back into our normal groove. We’d gone shopping to celebrate the good news and I’d treated my unborn godchild to a whole new wardrobe. The sky was the limit; like it would have been if Jimmy were still around…
Lauren wasn’t exactly bringing home a lot of bacon and with the looming maternity leave, she was scraping all of her pennies together. My aunt had instilled in me the notion that people get proud about money, and will very rarely ask for help. So, I didn’t wait for Lauren to ask; I simply volunteered. And by volunteered I mean forced.
“Babies are expensive,” Lauren gasped when she perused through the receipt on the drive back to my house.
I just laughed.
“How the fuck am I going to afford to clothe this kid?” she hesitated. “Oh my god…I’ll have to feed it too. Oh my god…”
She started rubbing at her temples, subtly rocking back and forth in the passenger seat.
“Lauren, stop,” I chuckled. “It’s going to be fine. Bri and I will help you with whatever you need.”
“That so isn’t the point,” she sighed. “You guys shouldn’t have to help…”
The reality was that because she and Jimmy were never married, she received diddly squat when he died. His parents had been more than generous; they’d bought the nursery furniture and had promised to pay for anything Lauren needed for their unborn grandchild. But Lauren was too proud for that.
“I can do it,” she groaned. “It’s just going to be…difficult.”
“It doesn’t need to be,” I insisted. “We want to help. Would it be easier if I just wrote you a giant cheque now?”
“Blair,” she giggled. “Don’t be weird.”
“I want you guys to have a good life,” I said seriously. “That’s what super cool rock star godparents are for.”
We argued about it for the duration of the drive. It seemed like a bad time to mention that Brian and I, along with Jimmy’s parents, had started a school fund for their baby. Maybe it wouldn’t be useful for a while…but if ever the kid decided they wanted to be a doctor; they’d be set.
Lauren left her bags in my trunk as she followed me to the door, still trying to convince me that I was being ridiculous by offering her financial support.
“I’m serious, B,” she tried to sound scary. “If you try and do one more thing for me—”
“Surprise!” a crowd shouted as she stepped through the door.
She grabbed at her heart and took a few steps backwards, I caught her in my arms and pushed her back inside.
“Oh! What the shit!” she giggled loudly, still gripping at her heaving chest.
“Surprise!” I laughed, still holding her by the shoulders from behind.
Mona and I had planned this little surprise weeks ago. We’d called in all the family and friends we knew to come out for an afternoon of baby celebrating fun. It was a happy coincidence that it fell on the same day that she found out the sex of the baby. We’d planned this long before Lauren had invited me to the appointment.
Life is funny that way.
Brian had let Mona and the Avenged girlfriends into our house the second that Marge and I had left. It was also largely the reason I’d dragged Lauren around LA with me—I couldn’t have her accidently stumbling in on her surprise.
She looked overjoyed and that was all that mattered.
“Hi!” she finally said, shaking her head as she began greeting everyone piled into my living room.
Brian appeared from the back and slung his arm around my shoulders, “How was your day? Interview alright?”
I nodded, “It was fine. All of it.”
“Did they ask you anything new?” he smirked. “Or was it the same old shit?”
“Same old,” I said quickly, ducking out from under Brian’s arm. “I’m starving.”
“Hey,” he sighed, grabbing my arm just as I was about to slip away. “You okay?”
I smiled, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
He eyed me suspiciously but let me go. I headed straight for the kitchen where copious amounts of snacks and baked goods were stacked around in delicate presentations. Obviously, I didn’t care about that and started picking at things that looked good. I’d hardly eaten all day and was desperate to get some sort of sustenance into my body.
“This is a nice thing you did,” a voice startled me.
I whipped around to find Joe Sullivan towering over me.
“You scared me,” I grinned, turning back around to continue picking foods to put onto my tiny paper plate.
“House looks great,” he told me fondly. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen it.”
I nodded, “Thanks, Joe.”
“Blair?” he asked.
I hummed something of a response, stuffing a tiny portion of a sandwich into my mouth. I cringed at the taste.
“Can you look at me please?” he asked.
I shook my head, “I’m in the middle of—”
“Blair,” he said again.
Despite my best excuse, I turned around to meet his gaze. He smiled at me.
“We’ve missed you the last few months,” he said to me. “Bri says you’re always busy when he comes around…I hope you’re not avoiding us.”
“No,” I lied. “I’m sorry. Really…My schedule’s just been crazy…”
He nodded solemnly, “I know that what happened—”
“Joe,” I sighed, trying to smile. “Really, everything is fine.”
He looked defeated.
He looked like Jimmy.
“I’ll come for dinner next week,” I assured him. “Bri said you guys had invited him for Italian or something specific like that.”
Joe laughed, “You know Barb.”
The idea of stepping foot into the Sullivan house was enough to bring stabbing pains to my chest. I returned to my snack piling.
“I should get back in there,” he sighed. “We’ll talk later?”
“Mhm,” I sung, blinking away tears.
Soon enough, I was being pushed out of the way by a crowd of hungry women desperate for fancy foods. Lauren gave me a big squeeze and a quick kiss on the cheek as a thank you for the surprise. Her happiness was enough to wash away the looming grief that had attached itself to my shoulders.
The group chatted and ate and discussed all things babies. Eventually Lauren started ripping into the gifts, nearly losing her mind at the sight of each one. Her hormones were definitely out of whack. Jimmy’s mother hung around with me for a while before I made myself useful and started to collect all of the garbage Lauren was creating in her gift opening extravaganza.
Once my house was emptied of strangers and guests, and I’d grown tired of cleaning, I announced my intention to go out back and smoke a series of cigarettes.
“I’m coming!” Lauren called back from the living room.
Mona joined me on my way out the door and soon we were all kicked back in the patio chairs, enjoying the last few minutes of the California sun. Brian had bailed for the duration of the surprise shower and had taken refuge at Zacky’s. He’d looked nervous to leave me but I’d assured him I was fine.
Brian always knew me better than I knew myself, though. But I maintained my composure. Fake it ‘til you make it and all that.
“You guys are the best,” Lauren finally spoke as I was well into my second cigarette. “I’m…I’m so touched…You’re the best friends a girl could ask for.”
Mona smiled affectionately, “Lauren…”
“Don’t you two go getting all sappy on me,” I groaned playfully.
“It isn’t sappy,” Lauren retorted. “It’s the truth.”
“You got a lot of great stuff!” Mona beamed to Lauren, disregarding my narcissism entirely.
Lauren nodded happily.
I took a long drag of my cigarette, watching as my friends chatted back and forth about the wonderful gifts Lauren had received. They talked about a diaper genie and what exactly that was, Mona was using wild hand gestures as she spoke.
And then I spotted it.
“Um,” I started loudly, leaning forward in my chair, “I’m sorry. What the fuck is that on your finger?”
“Oh,” Mona grinned. “I…”
“Oh my god!” Lauren shrieked.
Mona giggled, “I wanted to wait until tomorrow…I didn’t want to take away from your day—”
“You’re not taking away from anything!” Lauren shouted happily, snatching Mona’s hand. “Oh my god!”
“He proposed last night!” Mona told us excitedly. “Got down on one knee and everything!”
I smirked, “I bet you got down on both immediately after.”
“Blair!” Lauren and Mona groaned together.
I just laughed.
“Don’t you want to see it?” Lauren asked me, looking at me over her shoulder.
“I’ve seen it,” I told them both.
Mona’s jaw dropped, “You’ve seen it?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Justin showed it to me yesterday—Congratulations. I’m really, really happy for you.”
“I can’t believe you knew!” she gasped. “Holy shit can you ever keep a secret.”
I laughed again.
“I can’t believe you’re getting married!” Lauren shrieked.
Mona grinned from ear to ear, “And I can’t believe you’re going to have a baby!”
I was sitting on my own all I can’t believe you’re still smoking…
“Ahem,” I cleared my throat.
“Sorry!” they laughed together.
“It’s going to be a good year for the three of us,” Lauren decided aloud.
I wasn’t sure I could get behind her testament…But I was willing to pretend like I was on board. There was something about the day that had put me in a weird mood that I just couldn’t shake. I wasn’t feeling very connected to anything or anyone…And seeing the Sullivans had really drilled that into permanency. Which, I knew, wasn’t fair…But I just couldn’t help it.
Eventually the excitement died down and my house was mostly in a state of order once more. The girls left and informed me they’d be taking me out for lunch the following day. I’d agreed but was sure I’d cancel—if tomorrow’s mood was anything like today’s.
I looked around my house, breathing in the silence. I couldn’t take it.
So, I climbed the stairs and tucked myself into our studio and began to plunk my fingers along the piano keys. It was all that I knew to do when I was feeling grim and helpless; turn to music and hope that it could save me.
“You are what you are…I don't matter to anyone…” I sang quietly as my fingers found sad chords, humming along as my brain struggled to think of words to put to my pain. “But I lost myself when I lost you…Mm…When I’ve got those blues…”
I mused along with the chords, tears forming just behind my lashes as I thought of Jimmy on the other side of the bench. He’d taught me to play the piano better than I’d ever thought possible. He’d scolded me for playing so sloppily; he’d told me I needed to feel it. His long fingers were meant to grace the keys—mine were a struggle…
But there was nothing else I could think of to release the pain. My heart hurt and my soul was tormented. I couldn’t let go; but I couldn’t hold on.
“I put the radio on, hold you tight in my mind…Isn't strange that you're not here with me…But I know the light's on… in the television…Trying to transmit…Can you hear me?”
I bit back a breakdown as I moved back into my sorrowed manifesto.
“I lost myself and I lost you too…And I still get trashed, honey…When I hear your tunes…”
As my fingers stopped and my eyes pursed themselves closed. A single creak snapped me out of my depression. I whipped around to find Brian leaned in the doorway, a sympathetic smile on his face. His big, brown eyes were searching mine for an explanation—one he knew I’d never give him.
“It’s beautiful,” he said quietly. “Is it new?”
I nodded, wiping at my eyes quickly and clearing the sadness from my throat, “I was just fucking around…”
Brian sat beside me, where Jimmy had always sat, and plunked a couple of keys mindlessly.
“It’s about Jim, huh?” he asked sadly without looking at me.
I shrugged, “It wasn’t about anyone really…I was just—”
“Fucking around,” Brian nodded.
I was embarrassed.
“Blair,” he said slowly, pulling his hands into his lap and turning his head to face me. “If your…If you feel like things get out of control…You’ll tell me, right?”
“Out of control?” I asked lowly.
He tilted his head ever so slightly, “If you’re not okay…”
“I’m fine,” I groaned quickly.
Brian sighed—he knew me so well, “Right. If you ever decide that you’re not fine, though…I’m here, okay?”
“I know,” I smiled a little.
A comfortable silence fell between us.
"So do you want to know?" I asked Brian.
He looked at me weirdly.
"What Lauren's having," I smirked.
"Of course I want to know what my godchild is!" he replied excitedly.
I paused. He was staring at me like he might stab me at any second.
"It's a boy," I grinned.
He smiled, genuinely smiled, "Fuck yeah it is."
"Do you think I could convince Lauren to name him Revington?" I giggled.
Brian smirked at me, "That's our kid's name, remember?"
I was a little surprised he remembered.
Brian reached out to the piano keys and plunked his fingers down one by one. The tune was recognizable immediately and I couldn’t help but laugh. I shook my head at him as he glanced at me quickly, a giant grin spread across his face. He knew this song always cheered me up—it was Jimmy and it was now embedded into my soul.
“Come on,” he laughed.
I took a deep breath, still shaking my head at him, “Before the story begins, is it such a sin…”

Notes

Stole a Lana Del Rey song for my intents and purposes. Because it's perfect and it's beautiful.

But it's a boy!

Oh...and poor, poor Blair. I feel like the poor girl just can't catch a break on the feels.

xx