Through All the Dust

“So, Brian played me the demo of his new song,” Matt told me with his eyebrows raised.
I eyed him weirdly, shovelling more scrambled eggs onto my plate, “And? What’d you think?”
“You have quite the fucking lungs on you,” he grinned. “I’m never going to be able to match what you laid down in that demo.”
“Oh, Matty,” I groaned playfully, rolling my eyes at him. “Don’t give me that shit. We’ll be here all day trading compliments back and forth.”
He laughed, “I’m not being coy. I’m serious; you’re setting a precedent that I can’t meet.”
“Please,” I waved. “Your vocals on Dear God? I rest my case.”
“Why do you like that one so much?” Matt snickered, stuffing a piece of toast into his mouth as he spoke.
I giggled, shaking my head, “Because it’s beautiful.”
Brian and Zacky were watching as Matt and I continued to exchange favorites of each other’s accomplishments and sweet nothings.
“Singers,” is all Brian said about it, a playful little grin playing at his lips.
My aunt was chatting with Lauren, who seemed perfectly content with the company. She was smiling and nodding along to whatever my aunt was saying. She had one hand planted firmly on her growing belly—and for a second, I found myself feeling a little jealous. I’d been having these surges of pure hormone lately where all I wanted was to have what Lauren had. Not the unending pain or suffering…the joy of carrying a life.
It had never occurred to me that I might want children for myself. But…with the type of lives that Brian and I led, I didn’t see how it would be feasible. I wasn’t ready to give up my career. It was just another thing I’d have to put on the back burner.
Marge began clinking her knife against her glass, standing awkwardly as she did. We all looked up to her half-expectantly and half confused.
“I just wanted to say a quick little something while everyone’s gathered together,” Marge said confidently. “I wanted to thank you all for coming together this morning to rally behind the two people that we love so much, Blair and Brian.”
Brian leaned into my ear, “Is this a wedding toast?”
I smirked at him.
“As you know, myself and Blair’s aunt don’t live locally,” she continued happily. “So we don’t often have an opportunity to be a real part of Blair’s day to day life…but as I’m sitting here, enjoying all of your company…I’m feeling grateful. My girl is in good hands here and, for that, I am so blessed.”
The group exchanged fond looks. As usual, Marge was right on the money. This group of people had become more than friends, they’d become more than family…they were an integral part of who Brian and I were, both independently and collectively. Without each of them, something was missing. It was a palpable void; felt every time that Jimmy’s name passed through our lips and Tyler’s voice rang through my memories.
“Thank you for taking care of her,” Marge smiled, raising her glass. “And of Brian. Because without him, Blair wouldn’t be Blair.”
Everyone raised her glass to collectively cheers to Brian and I.
This time, I leaned into Brian, “This is super uncomfortable.”
He laughed, shaking his head at me a little, “Wait until we have to sit through toasts at the wedding.”
My eyes widened, “Oh, dear god….”
Brian snickered, pulling me in quickly to give me a quick kiss on the temple. He left his arm lingering across my shoulders as normalcy fell back upon our group. We made it through the rest of brunch without any more impromptu speeches. When everyone was stuffed, I helped Marge and Caroline bring all of the dishes into the kitchen.
“That’s all the help we need,” Marge shooed me, pushing me toward the back door. “This was supposed to be our treat to you. Go enjoy your friends.”
“But, Marge—”
“Don’t worry, Blair,” Papa Gates’ voice startled me. “I’ll take over for you.”
“There ya go,” Marge smirked. “Out!”
She slammed the door behind me and I swear I almost heard it lock. Brian was cackling at me, extending his cigarette pack to me. I took it up, collapsing into the chair beside him with a huff.
“I was kicked out of my own house,” I grumbled as I lit my smoke.
Brian laughed, “Me too.”
“Why did I invite them here again?” I joked.
He took a long haul of his cigarette, “It’s kind of nice, isn’t it? Having everyone around?”
I nodded subtly, watching Lauren and Mona argue about something just across the pool.
“I wish Jimmy could be here though,” Brian sighed quietly. “It all feels…”
“Empty?” I suggested without looking at him.
He nodded once, “A little bit, yeah.”
“It gets better,” I shrugged, exhaling smoke through my nose. “Or it did with Tyler anyway.”
Brian looked at me quickly and then away, “That’s good to know.”
“I had the weirdest dream about Jimmy last night,” I mused without thinking.
I could almost still feel Jimmy beneath me. I could hear his breathing and his heart beating against my chest as I held him close to me. My eyes blinked the pain away.
“What was it?” Brian asked me curiously, reaching backward to smash his cigarette into the ash tray.
I sighed, “I woke up and he was downstairs watching tv.”
“He always turned the volume up so god damn high,” Brian laughed.
I nodded, “He was sure to insist that he had it really low…But it was like he didn’t know he’d died. I knew. He…didn’t…It was like it always was—it was really fucking realistic.”
“I believe it,” Brian said simply. “I’ve had a couple like that. Never any about him waking me up from a sleep though.”
“This never really happened with Ty,” I explained lamely. “Not so…realistically…anyway…”
Brian smiled sympathetically at me, “Just be grateful for it. It was a chance to see him again; real or not.”
I nodded, “I guess so.”
“Sorry to interrupt,” Justin said nervously, looming over me.
I shook my head, “You’re not interrupting. What’s up?”
“Can I steal you for a second?” he asked quietly before turning to Brian, “I’ll bring her back.”
“Hey, you can keep her if you really want,” Brian grinned. “She snores.”
“I do not!” I gasped, giving Brian a light smack on the arm.
Brian nodded dramatically to Justin.
“We’re going to fight when I get back,” I told him seriously before climbing to my feet, crushing my cigarette in the ashtray and following Justin into the furthest corner of our yard.
“I have to run something by you,” he told me in hushed tones.
“What’s up?”
Justin glanced around nervously before rummaging through his pocket and pulling out a small purple box. He flipped it open to reveal a giant diamond set solitaire on a rose gold band. It was beautiful.
“I’m already engaged,” I teased with a devious grin.
Justin rolled his eyes, “What do you think of it? For Mona.”
I took the box from him to survey the ring more closely. It was seriously gorgeous.
“It’s perfect, Jay,” I smiled at him.
“I’m going to ask her tonight,” he confessed, trying his best to hide his excitement.
My heart fluttered happily, “She’s going to flip. I…” I pulled him into the tightest hug I could. “I’m so happy for you.”
“I guess I should thank you,” he smiled as he pulled away from me.
I tilted my head, “For what?”
“Well…for introducing me to Mona, you know…romantically,” he grinned.
I rolled my eyes.
“But beyond that,” he continued, his face becoming a little more serious. “For bringing me with you on this crazy adventure…I know that you never had to; so, thank you…”
“Of course I had to,” I smirked. “You’re the most talented son of a bitch I know.”
“I’m serious, Blair.”
I nodded once, “So am I.”
“You’ve made me into a better person,” he told me, blushing a little. “I know we don’t have the kind of relationship where we get all gross and emotional…but you have changed me and…I’m just really glad that I have you in my life.”
“Justin,” I cooed, rubbing at his arm a little.
“You and Bri are just the best fucking people,” Justin smiled. “It’s an honor to be a part of it all.”
“Okay stop,” I laughed nervously. “You’re going to make me cry.”
He slung an arm around my neck and pulled me into a lazy hug, “Thanks, Blair.”
“Stop,” I insisted, pulling away and dabbing at the ends of my eyes. “The only thing you should be thanking me for is that obvious pay raise that allowed you to buy such a beautiful fucking ring,” I joked.
“No shit,” Justin laughed, his eyebrows raised. “Haven budget would have taken nine more years to afford this shit.”
I handed the ring back to him and he stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans, scanning the yard again to make sure no one had seen.
“Congratulations in advance,” I smiled fondly at my friend.
He winked.
Once I was collapsed back in the chair next to my own beau, he looked at me curiously. I watched as Justin joined Mona and she affectionately leaned into him. She had no idea what was coming—I could already feel the anticipating building between them. Justin must have been so nervous. I wondered if Brian had felt that way before asking me—either the fake time or the real time.
I also kind of wondered if he’d actually meant the first proposal, as bad as it was.
It was a question that I didn’t actually want answered.
But the whole thing was a little bittersweet. We’d lost a couple loved ones along the way, but everyone seemed to be getting along nearly unscathed. If you weren’t looking closely, you’d almost forget that we’d been bruised by loss. You could almost imagine that the lot of us were whole, unchained humans. But you’d be wrong.
I looked at Brian, who’s eyes were filled with as much adoration as ever, and shrugged, “We’re all moving on.”

Notes

Still real indecisive about Lauren having a boy or a girl.
Help meeee.

xx