Through All the Dust

“Look at how scruffy you are,” I giggled, running my fingers over Jimmy’s beard.
He swatted my hand away, “You can look, Blair. But you can’t touch.”
“How have I not noticed this magnificent thing growing?” I demanded, in awe of its pure beauty.
“Because I am a ninja,” he told me seriously.
Lauren rolled her eyes, “We brought presents.”
“Did I get something good?” I asked happily, walking my friend to the tree Brian and I had put up specifically for our little Avenged Christmas.
She smirked, “I picked one out for you—it’s good—and Jimmy picked one out. I don’t know what it is…but I wouldn’t get your hopes up too high.”
Jimmy and Brian were already into the video games by the time I’d turned around.
“Brian,” I laughed. “Are you kidding?”
“What?” he grinned. “No one else is here yet.”
In expert timing, there was a knock at the door followed by a Matt and his new girlfriend emerging through our door.
“Hey,” I said casually as they kicked off their shoes and set their things down on the table.
“Under the tree?” Victoria asked, shaking a gift bag nearly bursting at the brim.
I nodded, “Sure.”
Matt was excitedly joining in on the boys’ game. I shook my head at them.
“You know the guys,” Lauren giggled. “Now tell me, because I’ve heard a little birdie talking about your life.”
“Tell you what?” I asked confusedly.
“Jimmy said you’re already working on a new album!” she said happily. “Is it true? I’m obsessed with your first one. Please tell me it’s true.”
A grin spread across my face.
“Bri, answer the door—I’m going to go show Lauren the demo.”
He held up a thumb’s up as we dashed upstairs and into the little make-shift studio Brian and I had assembled. It certainly wasn’t record-producing quality but it was perfect for demo recording and basic idea shaping.
We sat and I hit play, trying not to be too embarrassed about hearing my own voice. I’d been singing professionally for years and still hadn’t gotten comfortable with my own vocal chords. Lauren looked thrilled the entire time.
“We like?” I asked when it was finished.
She was glowing, “It’s fucking brilliant.”
“Thank you,” I smiled.
“What a far cry from your early days,” she noted with a friendly giggle.
I just nodded.
She darted her eyes around shiftily, leaning in closer to me. I couldn’t help but startle a little.
“Can you keep a secret?” she asked quietly, almost in a whisper.
“Honestly? I’m a terrible secret keeper,” I confessed.
She rolled her eyes, “Can you just promise to try and keep it a secret? I’m dying to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I asked curiously.
“Okay,” she sat back a little, “I’m telling you first because you’re my best friend.”
I nodded.
She leaned in again, “I’m fucking pregnant, B.”
“No,” I gasped.
She nodded excitedly.
“Oh my god!” I roared, nearly tackling her into a hug.
I squeezed her once for congratulations and once for the baby.
“Was this planned?” I asked her because I obviously do not possess a filter.
She scoffed, “It wasn’t—blessing in disguise?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely it is,” I grinned. “Oh my god…a baby Jimmy—how scary is that.”
She snickered, “I know. But he’s over the moon…I had to tell you. I couldn’t wait. I’m only seven weeks, so we’re not exactly telling people.”
“Honey,” I cooed, pulling her into me again.
“Merry Christmas,” she laughed.
Eventually we’d had enough of the woman-secret time and decided to come back downstairs. The rest of the group had assembled in our absence, but judging by the look on Brian’s face, who was standing with Jimmy and Jimmy alone, I figured he’d just found out the same thing I did. He looked so happy.
“It’ll be you guys next,” Lauren whispered to me cheekily.
That thought was enough to horrify me to the core.
“Now that everyone is here,” Matt announced to the group. “Victoria and I have a little announcement to make.”
Lauren looked at me seriously, “I swear to god…”
“We’re getting married!” they said together excitedly.
I tried to pretend to be excited for them, but after the Lauren news, I was spent. Plus, I hardly knew Victoria—they’d been dating for exactly two minutes. We all congratulated them, the men all patted Matt on the back.
And then Brian found me, giving my hip a little check with his.
“Is something in the air or what?” he joked quietly.
I nodded, “I fucking guess so.”
“Did Lauren tell you?”
I nodded again, this time really excitedly.
“How great is that,” he smiled.
“I’m really happy for them,” I replied truthfully.
He looked at me, giving me his best come hither look, “What about us? You think we’ll want babies? Get married?”
I shrugged, “I honestly hadn’t thought about it.”
It’s true. I hadn’t. I guess on some level I’d considered what it might be like to marry Brian—but we’d both been so busy with our careers that I hardly figured it was even in the cards. I also wasn’t sure if Brian was open to marriage.
As far as babies go, I hadn’t thought about that at all.
“I think about it,” he told me with a smirk. “I think I might like to marry you some day.”
I grinned, “You should be so lucky.”
Our little moment was interrupted by a call for food and presents. I took to drinking enough wine that Lauren’s contribution was flowing through my veins. She held the glass, as not to alert suspicion, but as I downed mine, we swapped.
It was a lot of work, but someone had to do it.
“Refill?” Sarah asked Lauren and I.
I was a little horrified to watch her fill both glasses. I could already feel the hangover.
Lauren squeezed my shoulder in support. Brian and Jimmy were grinning like madmen, shaking their heads at me.
“Oh god,” I grumbled.
“What’s that?” Sarah asked politely.
I panicked, “Uh….I said…thank you! Thank you for the wine. Yep. That’s what I said.”
She gave me a weird look before moving on.
Brian was dying of laughter.
“Smooth,” he mouthed to me.
Jimmy got up from his place on the floor and began digging around in the pile of presents, despite Zacky’s objections and the fact that Zacky was trying to pass gifts out. Jimmy didn’t care at all.
He retrieved the specific gift he was looking for and, to my surprise, bee-lined it to me. He wrapped his long fingers around my wrist and dragged me off the couch and out the back door.
“Jimmy,” I growled, my wrist throbbing a little. “Jesus.”
“Sorry,” he said awkwardly. “I want you to open this privately.”
“Why?” I asked suspiciously, taking the gift from him.
“Because I don’t need the others to know that I have a heart,” he smirked.
I shrugged. Jimmy was weird. We all knew it. I moved on.
I ripped at the shiny blue paper until it was crumpled into a ball in my hands.
What I was left with was a framed picture of Jimmy and I. I ran my fingers over the glass affectionately, lost in the memory for a second.
“I know it isn’t much,” he said quietly.
I smiled, looking up to meet him.
“But this was the night that I knew you’d be one of my best friends forever,” he told me, a shy smile creeping onto his face. “It was—”
“The last night on my tour,” I finished fondly.
He nodded.
In this picture, I’m sprawled out in Jimmy’s lap, holding his face next to mine. We both looked so genuinely fucking happy. And I guess we were. We’d gone out for a night on the town together, Brian had fallen asleep on the couch so we’d left him behind.
We went to a club and we danced and we drank—in my case, soda. He’d stayed off the drugs for an entire evening. When we got back to the bus, we’d stayed up all night talking about our lives and our plans for ourselves—and a little bit for each other. He’d told me all about Lauren and how important she was to him. How sad he was that he’d be leaving her again soon for yet another tour.
He told me he thought she might be the one he’d like to marry, if ever he decided to do so.
And I’d known the feeling.
“I couldn’t have picked someone better for Bri,” he told me sweetly. “I’m so glad he found you.”
When Brian had finally come to, and was completely and utterly confused about how Jimmy had gotten so hammered—we decided to keep our night out a secret. But we’d asked Brian to snap a picture of us to commemorate the last night on tour. The last night on the tour Jimmy was never supposed to be on.
But I was so glad he’d stayed.
“I’ve loved you since I met you,” he told me with a smile. “But this night was—”
I nodded, feeling almost weepy, “I know. For me too.”
“Thanks for loving my best friend,” he said seriously, in his usual and wonderful weird way.
I hugged the picture tightly to my chest, “This is maybe the sweetest gift anyone has ever given me.”
“You’re easy to impress,” Jimmy teased.
I stepped onto the tips of my toes to plant a quick kiss on Jimmy’s rosy cheek, “Thank you.”
“You know I love you,” he said happily.
I nodded, “I love you too, Revington.”
“You’re naming your kid that,” he told me seriously as we headed back inside to rejoin the group.
I stashed the picture in my kitchen to keep from spoiling the secret.
I knew that I’d never have another Christmas like it again. With everyone together, everyone excited for life.

“Blair?” Brian’s voice called me back.
My grip was tight on the framed picture. My mind far, far away from the torment it lived in now.
“What’s that?” he asked me.
“Sorry,” I sniffled, wiping at a stray tear. “It’s my Christmas gift from Jimmy—I forgot I’d stashed it in here.”
“Why’d you hide it?” he half-laughed, taking it from my hands to survey it.
“He asked me to keep it private.”
“I remember this,” Brian said fondly. “Look at how happy you guys were.”
I nodded sadly.
“I really miss him,” I thought aloud.
Brian sighed, pulling me into him with one hand, his other still firmly fixed on my gift. We looked at it together for a while, quietly remembering.
“My two favorite people,” Brian said finally. “We have to hang it up.”
He took off on a mission to find the best place for it, and then he searched around the house for a hammer. I thought about objecting, since we had other things to worry about—but it was Brian’s grief too. He could do whatever he needed to do; I would not stand in the way.
He displayed it in our living room proudly. He stood back and admired his work and I crawled back under his arm.
“Think we’ll ever be that happy again?” I asked, feeling defeated.
He kissed the side of my head, “One day.”

Notes

This story is heart-wrenching to write.
xx