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Through All the Dust

Chapter Fifteen: What's a Rev?

Brian and I camped out in bed for the next two days. We got up only to use the bathroom and occasionally to gather sustenance. We’d ordered pizza at some point and Brian had gone down to retrieve that…but other than that, we hadn’t left the bed.
Brian took a giant bite of a particularly cheesy slice, suffocating a laugh.
“I’m serious!” I snickered. “He was on the table! He was yelling at everyone to donate beers to him because he was poorly.”
Brian chuckled, shaking his head.
“Poorly,” I repeated with a sarcastic laugh. “What does he think he is, British?”
Brian chewed faster, I assumed in an attempt to respond to me.
But my brain was quicker than Brian’s jaw—and it corrected itself, tearing my soul apart with it.
“Who did he think he was,” I verbalized my sorrow. “Fuck.”
Brian softened his gaze, setting the pizza slice back down into the box.
“Sorry,” I groaned. “I still catch myself mixing that up with Tyler…and I’ve had years of practice with that one.”
He shrugged, “I don’t think the tenses matter, babe.”
“I miss them,” I pouted.
Brian frowned sympathetically, reaching over to give my leg a little squeeze. It had been a rocky few days for me, which I’d spent the majority of flying off the handle. Once I’d opened the floodgates, I struggled to get them shut again.
But Brian was patient with me. He was understanding and loving—like always. He listened to me rant and rubbed my back as I sobbed.
I would have been lost without him.
“I broke that fucking picture…” I grumbled, looking over my shoulder and out the door.
Not like I could see the thing from my bedroom.
“We’ll get a new frame,” Brian assured me, taking up his slice again.
I sighed, “Yeah…It’s just…Jimmy gave me that one…and I broke it.”
“Shit happens,” Brian said with a mouthful of ‘za.
I lowered my brows at him. Between the two of us, I was definitely the more sentimental partner—but when it came to Jimmy, Brian wanted everything. I found his apathy a little confusing.
Maybe he just didn’t want to provoke my guilt.
“My feet hurt,” I smirked, holding one out for Brian to survey.
He winced at the sight of them.
They were pretty scabbed and gashed. The glass had done a number on them, but I had hardly noticed at the time. Now that the emotional warfare was a lot more subtle, the slices through my skin were demanding my attention.
“We should clean them again,” Brian told me. “You’re going to get some nasty fucking infection.”
I rolled my eyes, “I haven’t gone anywhere since the last time we cleaned them.”
“Infection,” Brian sung at me.
“Speaking of,” I sighed. “I should probably go clean up the glass.”
“No,” Brian whined. “Stay in the bed.”
“We’ve been in here for days,” I smirked. “It’s time to get back to real life.”
“Real life is shitty,” Brian grumbled. “The bed is good.”
I shook my head, grinning at my dumb fiancée, and climbed out of the bed. He made a terribly lame attempt to pull me back but he missed. I scampered out of the bedroom, trying to find a way to walk that didn’t cause my feet to burn with pain.
I looked down at the mess I’d made…It was a painful reminder of the dangers of bottling up your feelings. Now the gift that Jimmy had given me was broken—now it was garbage. I could have cried.
Carefully minding the shards of glass, I tip-toed to the kitchen to grab the broom. I started on the mess right away, sweeping it all into one glistening pile. I reached into the center to plunk out the photo. My hands shook as I neared it to my eyelevel, Jimmy’s smile burning a permanent hole through my chest.
Guilt was an understatement.
I wished that I could have had a mental break without feeling the need to smash something I loved. At least the picture had survived the crash…
I went to put it down so I could finish cleaning up the debris of my mind when a little scripture caught my attention. As I struggled to make it out, I realized I might need to see an eye doctor. Nonetheless, I moved the picture back and forth until the writing on the back became clear.
Love you forever.
-(What’s a) Rev
I ran my fingers over the words as if by some magic, they’d manifest and make Jimmy real.
“What’s a Rev,” I said aloud, a little smirk curling the ends of my lips.
It felt like someone else’s life…like I’d just heard a story and had never really lived any of it. Thinking of our friendship now, I couldn’t imagine ever saying something so outwardly idiotic to Jimmy. He never would have let it go…
But when I met him he was patient and shy. He didn’t stay that way for very long.
I couldn’t help sometimes but to think Jimmy had known all along what would happen. From Fiction to my Christmas gift…sometimes things added up just a little too perfectly. And now, here was a little message inscribed just for me…at exactly the moment I needed it most.
Had I never broken the glass, I likely never would have found his words.
This soothed the unrelenting guilt just a touch.
“You okay?” Brian’s voice startled me.
I jumped, “Jesus Christ, Bri.”
He cackled, “Sorry!”
His eyes focused on the picture as he drew nearer to me, careful not to step into my pile of glass. As I handed the picture to my future husband, I got to work sweeping the shards into the dustpan.
“What’s a Rev?” Brian asked curiously. “What does that even mean?”
I snickered, “It’s Jimmy being an ass.”
“What’s it mean?” he asked again curiously.
“It’s what I said to him,” I smiled at the memory. “When he introduced himself to me. Well, I mean…No…I can’t remember. He introduced himself as Jimmy—I heard Rev somewhere.”
“And you asked him what a Rev was?” Brian smirked.
I nodded, “He didn’t even make fun of me.”
“He must have been trying to make a good impression,” he laughed, setting the picture down onto the side table.
“Didn’t he always?” I said seriously, brushing passed Brian to go and dump the pan into the garbage.
Brian followed behind me, keeping a weird distance between us. I eyed him up suspiciously.
“Blair,” he finally said. “Can I ask you something?”
I furrowed my brows, slamming the lid to the garbage bin closed.
“It might…upset you,” he said slowly. “But…I need to know.”
“What?” I asked anxiously.
He sighed, “When Tyler died…”
My heart froze a little. Brian very rarely brought Tyler up on his own—if ever. He knew it was an eternal sore spot for me and was very cautious of it at all times. It pained me to know that he now understood the sore spot personally. If I could have kept that as my personal burden, I would have. Every time. Without hesitation.
“Was I…” Brian paused, looking at me nervously.
“Were you what?” I pleaded.
He shrugged a little, “Was I supportive enough?....Did I…help?”
My face pained as I tried to understand him. He’d never asked me something like that and I wasn’t entirely sure where the curiosity had birthed itself from. But he looked sincere and he looked…like he was hurting.
“Of course you did,” I breathed. “You kept me together.”
He nodded absently, “Okay.”
“Why?” I asked, taking a few steps toward him.
“It’s not lost on me that you don’t exactly handle your emotions,” he explained slowly. “And given your…”
He paused.
“Breakdown? Psychological break? Meltdown? Psychotic episode?” I suggested lightly.
He smirked, “Yeah…It just, uh…made me realize that I haven’t been here enough for you…”
“Brian, that isn’t true,” I frowned, pushing myself into him.
He nodded, “Yes it is. I was so fucking preoccupied with my own shit….The other night could have been avoided. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” I sighed.
“I just…I wanted to make sure that I was there for you when it counted,” he said awkwardly. “When I wasn’t plagued with the same sort of darkness…Was I there for you?”
“Of course you were,” I replied softly. “I’m not exactly open about my feelings…”
Brian nodded smugly.
“But you were…and are…the best part of my life,” I said so sincerely that it nearly killed me. “You’re the reason that I survived everything that’s happened…You keep me going.”
He smiled real subtly.
“It isn’t your fault,” I said again. “Jimmy was your best friend. You’re allowed to put your own pain ahead of mine.”
“But you never do that with me,” he pouted.
I shrugged, “Sure I do…It just hasn’t been as obvious as grieving for a friend who’s died…”
“You don’t,” he insisted. “You’re always putting me first. It doesn’t matter what’s going on.”
“It’s what you do when you love someone,” I shrugged.
He pursed his lips, “Then why didn’t I do it for you?”
“Because you loved Jimmy too,” I said seriously. “And his pain demanded your attention.”
Brian’s eyes softened as he finally met my gaze.
“It’s going to be okay,” I smiled.
He mimicked my face, planting a quick kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his chest.
“I’m so happy to hear you say that,” he sighed into my hair.
I breathed him in, like I always did. I forced myself to make a memory of his scent, of the way his heart beat in my ears…of the way his breathing felt inside his chest.
“We should go out,” I said before I found myself back in my hole of depression. “We need to get out of the house.”
He smirked, “Whatever you say, Peterson.”
“Don’t call me that,” I grinned.
His eyes widened and he looked terrified.
“What?” I asked, panicky.
A ridiculously devious smile spread across his beautiful face.
“I can’t call you that much longer,” he stated sternly. “Soon I’ll have to call you…Haner.”
I erupted into a fit of cackles, howling like a wolf. He was so entertained at first by the revelation—and then absolutely disturbed.
“People call me that,” he groaned. “And I fucking hate it.”
Aaaaaaahaha!” I cackled loudly, disappearing back upstairs to change into clothing worthy of being seen by the outside world.
“Fuck you, Peterson!” Brian called up the stairs to me.
I hollered back smugly, “That’s Haner to you!”
“Oh good god,” Brian was grumbling to himself.
After two days in bed and unveiling a hidden message, life in the Peterson/Haner house was back to normal.

Notes

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@Jenny117
T-Minus one hour!! The wait is almost over!! :)

fyction fyction
5/6/19

Scared yes but still extremely excited

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

I am so ready for the next one!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny117 Jenny117
5/6/19

@Buggaloo
Me too!! Nervous excited .. but excited!!

fyction fyction
5/6/19