Through All the Dust

It had been a week since I’d seen Brian. I’d been hiding out at Lauren’s, sleeping in her guest room and eating all of her food. It was early morning Valentine’s Day and Lauren was constantly nagging me about calling my fiancée.
“You can’t stay mad forever,” she told me. “You obviously still love him; go be with him.”
But I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. I was too angry and it was too soon. Even when I started to push passed the semantics of what he had done, maybe even coming to peace with them, I got caught up on the loss of trust. He’d lied to me for three years about something he knew I’d care to know…I wasn’t sure if I could come back from it.
Brian had been the light in my life for so long. He’d been everything to me. He’d been my strength and my compass…But now he was the source of my torment. He was the reason I was sad and he was the reason I was confused. Each day that passed made me resent him more and more.
I was sitting out back, smoking a cigarette and scribbling out lyrics. I’d been trying to put my heartache to good use…but every time it ended up a sappy love song.
I wasn’t in the mood for sappy love songs.
“Blair?” Lauren called before stepping outside.
I looked up at her, “Hey you.”
“What’re you doing?” she asked curiously, one hand on the little bump forming beneath her sundress.
Every time I looked at her and her growing tiny belly, I felt a little better. Somewhere deep inside of her, Jimmy’s DNA was living. I hoped that the baby would be born with Jimmy’s icy blue eyes—I’d give anything to look into them one more time.
Lauren was as beautiful in pregnancy as she was in life.
“I’m under specific instruction to give this to you,” she said, looking down to me as she held out a sealed envelope.
“What is it?”
She shook her head, “I’m just supposed to give it to you. So…just take it.”
“Is it from Brian?” I asked coldly.
She shrugged, “Maybe. Maybe not. Can you please just take it?”
I scoffed but took the letter from her hand. I placed it beside me as she stared me down.
“You can forgive him you know,” she said lowly. “I know you miss him.”
“I’m not talking about this,” I told her, returning to my song book.
She sighed, “Well…it is from Brian…so…when that part of you that still loves him wants to read it…I hope it helps you.”
She left me as she’d found me, except a little more bruised than before. Brian was a sore spot—one that I’d been avoiding, in true Blair form. I wasn’t ready to process it or to make a decision about what I should do…so I neglected it entirely.
He’d stopped calling by day four.
Lauren knew me all too well. I hadn’t been alone with the letter for more than ten minutes before curiosity started to pick at me. My eyes fell upon the envelope every so often, but I told myself not to get into it.
I wasn’t ready.
After an hour, Lauren must have been concerned because she came back to check up on me. She noticed I still hadn’t ripped open the letter—she didn’t look thrilled about it.
“I’m disappointed in you,” she said to me, her hands on her hips.
I groaned, “Not now, Lo.”
“Don’t you Lo me,” she insisted.
I looked up at her nervously—she rarely took a tone with me. She must have been angry.
“You’re acting like a two year old,” she hissed. “You have a man who loves you, who wants to marry you, and instead of trying to move past it, you’re hiding out here and leaving him hanging! What is wrong with you, Blair?”
“Nothing…” I grumbled.
She took a deep breath in through her nose, “Do you know why I wanted to be your friend all that time ago? Because you were a no-bullshit kind of girl…but you were so sweet and everything you did, everything you said…it all came from your heart. I loved the way you loved your friends—the way you loved Brian, even if I didn’t think he was worthy.”
I opened my mouth to say something but she just kept going.
“Now I think maybe you weren’t worthy,” she said with her hands trembling. “I love you Blair but…” she sighed. “What Brian did was wrong. But he didn’t do it to hurt you…What you’re doing…You’re intentionally causing him pain. You’re keeping him in the lull and it isn’t fair—it isn’t fair to either of you.”
“Lauren…” I managed weakly, feeling a little embarrassed but mostly just feeling like shit.
“That letter has an expiry date,” she told me weepily, clearly her hormones had made her emotional. “So just read it already.”
“Okay,” I conceded quietly.
She nodded once, straightening her spine out, “Okay.”
Once I was alone and sure I wasn’t going to be berated again, I took the envelope into my hands. What an archaic way of communicating with someone, a letter.
My hands trembled a little as I tore it open and pulled out the white paper inside. The sight of Brian’s handwriting made me swoon a little. It was nice to feel it for a change, rather than unadulterated rage.
Blair,
I love you.
I’m sorry.
Come home.
-Brian
PS, Happy Valentine’s Day
Though the contents weren’t going to be the makings of the next American novel, they were enough to tear me apart. I sobbed into the letter, ruing every choice I’d ever made in my forsaken life.
Lauren was probably right. I was a terrible person—a terrible partner. I’d been keeping Brian at a distance on purpose…but I didn’t know what else to do.
“What’d it say?” Lauren asked, startling me out of my emotions.
I handed it to her without looking. She sunk down onto the ground beside me and rested her head on my arm.
“You need to go home,” she told me in almost a whisper.
I sighed, “I know…But—”
“What?” Lauren asked quietly.
“I’m still mad,” I mused. “I’m still really, really mad.”
“I know,” she replied understandingly. “But you can’t fix it while you’re hiding away at my house. Not that I don’t love having you here.”
I smiled, “You’re probably right.”
“You need to fix it,” she told me, reaching over to half-hug me as she leaned against me. “For your sanity’s sake.”
We stayed that way for a few more minutes before I reluctantly went inside to gather my things. I wasn’t ready to face what had happened…but there was no one that could make this better for me but Brian. I knew I had to at least give him the chance.
I had to let my guard down.
But my nerves ran high as I pulled into our driveway and lulled my engine to sleep. I sat there for a minute to gather my thoughts—and decided to leave my bags in the trunk…just in case.
The house was quiet as I latched the door closed behind me. It felt as if I was walking on eggshells around our home, which felt almost like it wasn’t mine anymore. I wondered if that’s how Brian felt when he’d taken off on me and had finally come home. I guess we were practically the same people.
I wandered upstairs but found no trace of Brian. Maybe I’d lucked out and wouldn’t have to face him for a bit. Maybe he’d gone out—maybe he’d gone to find a new love interest to spend Valentine’s Day with.
I scolded myself for thinking that.
When I finally spotted him, he was sitting by the pool, his feet in the water. I took one big deep breath before stepping out into our yard.
He looked back when he heard the door shut and his face froze when he realized it was me.
As I approached, he turned back to the pool.
I sat with him, dropping my own feet into the water as a means of telling him I was home. That I was ready to talk…even if I wasn’t.
“You’re back,” he said flatly.
“I guess that depends,” I tried to say calmly. “We need to talk about this whole thing.”
He nodded, “I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m sorry I hit you,” I said with my cheeks flushing red.
I’d never, in the history of all things we’d gone through, ever even considered actually laying a hand on him. It was the only part of my reaction that I’d felt genuinely bad about.
He shrugged, “I had it coming.”
“No, you didn’t,” I sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he said then, looking into my eyes for the first time in forever.
My knees weakened immediately.
“I should have told you,” he continued, looking away. “I just…Fuck. I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want you to think that I was some two-timing loser…even if I was.”
“You could have told me later,” I suggested.
He shook his head, “And risk things blowing up? Exactly what I feared would happen…is exactly what happened.”
“Yeah…” was all I could think to say.
“I never meant to hurt you,” he huffed. “I never wanted to be that guy to you.”
I mustered some courage, “Brian? Can you tell me the truth?”
“About what?” he asked confusedly, looking back to me.
“Did you cheat on me? Back then…or any time from then until now…”
He looked appalled. His face twisted and angered.
“How can you even ask me that?”
I bit at my lip, “Because you had no problem cheating on that girl, obviously…So I’m a little worried that you might not have a problem cheating on me.”
“It’s not the same,” he groaned. “I didn’t give a fuck about that girl.”
“You didn’t care about me either,” I said seriously. “Not when we first met…That’s what you told me.”
“That’s not what I said,” he argued. “I told you that it wasn’t in my plan to date you. I never once said I didn’t care about you.”
I shrugged, “They’re interchangeable.”
“They’re not,” he scoffed. “You’ve been this…You’ve been a very important part of my life for the last couple of years. I’ve cared more about you than I have anyone else for most of it.”
“Did you sleep with her while you were sleeping with me?” I asked blankly.
He hesitated.
I tried not to flip out.
“No,” he finally said. “I thought about it…I almost did.”
My emotions were welling up faster than I could push them down. I looked away from him.
“But,” he sighed loudly. “I couldn’t do it. After being with you once, every other woman on the planet was ruined forever.”
I scoffed.
“I’m serious,” he half-laughed. “I’ve never tried to hurt you…I’ve done everything in my power to keep you from being hurt in any way…And I know I’ve failed a couple times. I know I’m not always easy to be with…”
“Mhm,” I agreed, remember the whole ‘I love you’ debacle.
He smirked, “But I’ve always loved you…And I think I probably loved you the second I met you, which I know sounds stupid.”
I shook my head, “Not really.”
“That girl,” he said, reaching out and pulling my chin toward him so I’d have to look at him, “meant nothing to me. I haven’t thought about her since…well…since I met you.”
I challenged him with my face.
He softened, “I understand if you have to hate me…If we can’t be together anymore…But I just need you to know that I hid it because I was ashamed of it, not because I’m a total piece of shit.”
“I don’t hate you,” I replied quietly, falling apart under his gaze.
He brushed his hand against my cheek before pulling away from me.
“I know it happened a long time ago…” I said lowly. “But it’s new for me.”
He nodded, “I know.”
“I’m…confused,” I tried.
He nodded again, “I know.”
“But I do love you,” I said but it came out more like a sob.
He took a deep breath, “I don’t expect you to forgive me—”
“It isn’t about that,” I interrupted. “It isn’t about forgiving you…It’s about trusting you. I’m not sure how to trust you anymore.”
“While I want to just be humble and accept that,” Brian mused. “Can I just say something?”
I urged him.
“If you think I haven’t had ample opportunity to cheat,” he started a little too smug for the scenario. “You’re wrong.”
“Good talk,” I retorted sarcastically.
He smirked, “You’ve had opportunity too.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s never even crossed my fucking mind,” he said seriously. “I’ve been committed to you since we started on this ridiculous ride. It hasn’t mattered what’s happened, I’ve always stuck by your side.”
“Okay, Dr. Seuss,” I groaned slowly.
He cupped my face with both hands, his eyes boring through my soul, “If you think you can’t trust me, then you’re more confused than I thought. You know me, Blair. You know who I am. You should know that I’ll never do anything to cause you pain—”
I pushed my lips to his in an effort to shut him up. I’d realized what he’d been trying to say before he’d actually started trying to get there.
He had always stuck by me. He’d pulled me out of every darkness that had enveloped my life. He’d pulled himself out of his own shadows…away from his own demons…just to make sure that I was surviving.
He’d turned down women and opportunities, just so he could stay with me. Figuratively and literally. He’d given up nights of partying on tour, just so he could maintain a phone conversation with me without interruption.
I knew him.
He bit at my lip, using his hands to pull me into him. God, I’d missed this.
But, against my every desire, I couldn’t shake that nagging feeling that I’d been tricked once before. I’d thought Brian was someone he wasn’t—and it had taken me years to put it together. I was reluctant to dive back in.
I pulled away, struggling for air.
“Brian,” I choked.
He frowned, looking away.
“I just…” I paused. “I need time.”
“So you’re leaving again?” he asked me without looking.
I shook my head, “No…”
He snapped his neck to look at me, “You’re staying?”
“I’m staying,” I said slowly. “But…It doesn’t mean everything is just cool…”
“As long as you’re home,” he almost smiled. “We’ll be okay.”
I wasn’t sure about it this time.
“You fucked with our foundation,” I whimpered. “I’m not sure it’s going to be okay.”
He tilted his head at me, “I’ll show you that you can trust me…It’ll be like it was before…It’s still me, Blair.”
I squinted at him, “Is it?”
“You’ll see.”
I splashed my foot around in the water, “I guess so…”
“I love you,” he said almost painfully.
I nodded, “I know.”
“It’s going to be okay,” he reassured us both. “I’m going to make sure it’s okay.”
“Nothing in our lives is ever okay,” I thought aloud. “Everyone dies or moves on…Which one do you think we’ll choose?”
Brian furrowed his brows at me. He looked concerned more than anything.
“Neither,” he said seriously.
I just nodded.
“Blair,” Brian said, turning my face to look at him. “Neither.”
“I need to be alone,” I told him solemnly. “I need more time to think.”
I pushed myself up and away from him, but Brian wasn’t giving in that easily. He followed me into the house and to the stairs—which I’d nearly started up when he pulled me back by my arm.
“Don’t you sputter cryptic shit and then disappear,” Brian growled.
I tilted my head, “Or what?”
“Blair,” he kind of gasped. “What is happening with you?”
“I don’t know,” I hissed, feeling sobs welling up. “Everything in my life dies eventually. You’re next, aren’t you?”
A wide-eyed Brian was startled, “What are you talking about?”
“It’s par for the course really,” I continued crazily. “My parents…’Cause no kid needs their fucking parents, right? My best friend…my fucking best friend. I thought he loved me, I thought we were a team…It wasn’t enough.”
“Blair—” Brian tried, stepping toward me.
I stepped away and around him, lingering just under the framed picture of me and Jimmy.
“And then fucking Jimmy,” I roared. “I thought that was secure. I thought that I was safe…and then he fucking died. He ripped us apart, he ripped you apart—”
“Blair!” Brian shouted for me to stop.
I was hysterical at this point, “And now you. Now I find out that our whole relationship has been a fucking lie—”
“It isn’t a lie, Blair,” he tried to stay calm.
“Why can’t I have anything I love?” I sobbed wildly. “It all gets fucked up. It all gets ripped away from me. Why did you have to do it? Why didn’t you just tell me?”
Brian knew what I knew; this was the meltdown that should have happened immediately following Jimmy’s death. This was the meltdown that was supposed to happen. It didn’t.
But now, here it was…rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moment.
“Blair, stop,” Brian pleaded.
“This night,” I told Brian, pointing at the picture of Jimmy, “was the night that Jimmy told me that he thought you and I were destined to be together. Destined. He didn’t mention a fucking thing about you having a god damn girlfriend when we met. Guess he was never really my friend, was he?”
Brian’s face tensed, “Don’t.”
“There’s no reason to frame this,” I continued angrily. “We were never fucking friends.”
“Fuck you,” Brian spit.
In true dramatic form, I ripped the frame from the wall and tossed it to the floor. As it exploded, so did I.
I fell the fuck apart.
“I don’t know what’s happening,” I sobbed like a crazy person.
Brian held his arms out, “Come here.”
“I can’t,” I cried. “I….I’m falling apart.”
“Come here,” Brian said more sternly. “Baby, come here.”
I walked across the broken shards of glass, not even noticing as they sliced into the bottoms of my feet. I sobbed into Brian’s chest as he held me, rubbing my back like I deserved his affection.
“It’s okay,” he shushed me.
I shook my head, “It isn’t. It never is.”
“I was waiting for this,” Brian said almost with a laugh. “I’m sorry it came on because of me…”
I pulled away to look at him, my mascara running down my face.
“Jimmy loved you,” Brian told me seriously. “He loved you more than he loved maybe even me. If he didn’t tell you, it’s because he couldn’t bear the thought of breaking your heart.”
I tried deep breaths, they didn’t work.
“If you want to go crazy and smash everything in this house,” he smirked. “I won’t stop you. Or we can go upstairs, we can lay in bed and you can yell at me some more.”
“I don’t want,” I hiccupped, “to yell at you.”
He smiled.
“I’m sad,” I wept. “I’m confused and I’m sad.”
“I know,” he sighed. “But I’m here.”
All it took to reinstate my trust in him was a casual mental breakdown.
I cried all god damn night—for everything I’d lost, everything I’d missed and everything I’d pushed away.
But I refused to let Brian be one of them…and so, even though I was angry, I held on for dear fucking life.

Notes

Holy fuck.