Through All the Dust

“What a scum bag,” Lauren huffed, tossing pieces of cucumber into a big wooden bowl.
I nodded, sipping at my drink, “That’s what I was thinking.”
“Though…” she hesitated, looking at me quickly and then away. “Never mind.”
My eyes squinted, “No, what?”
“I mean…How long have you guys been together? Two, three years?”
“Something like that,” I shrugged.
She pursed her lips, “He’s not the guy you started dating all those years ago…He’s different now.”
“Does that matter?” I asked seriously. “He was fucking someone else when we started hanging around together…and he didn’t think he should tell me. Ever.”
“It’s deplorable,” she said with wide eyes, “Don’t get me wrong. I’m sickened to hear about it…but…”
I groaned.
She smiled, “I’m sorry! It’s a complicated situation, Blair. I need to think about it.”
“Did you know?” I asked her cautiously. “Did Jimmy ever mention it?”
“Did Jimmy ever mention that Brian was dating some girl when he met you?” she smirked. “No, no he did not.”
“He knew though,” I said sadly. “And I don’t know how to feel about that.”
She sighed, “That’s tough.”
I nodded.
“Allow me to play devil’s advocate,” she started, squeezing copious amounts of dressing into her makeshift salad. “What would you have done if roles were reversed?”
“I wouldn’t have started dating someone if I already had a boyfriend,” I said seriously.
“No,” she laughed. “I meant in Jimmy’s case. Say Tyler was dating someone casually and he met this insanely beautiful girl…decided he wanted to entertain that option for a while—ultimately decides to dump the girl and date the other one.”
“I’m confused,” I smirked.
“You become good friends with the new girl,” she continues. “Would you tell her? Or would you keep that locked away for fear of hurting both her and Tyler.”
I eyed her amusedly, “I can see you think Jimmy is blameless here.”
“Not blameless,” she replied, dumping some gloopy lettuce into a bowl and taking a large bite. “Conflicted.”
“Would you tell me?”
She raised an eyebrow at me, “Would you tell me?”
I thought about that rationally. Jimmy had ample opportunity to sample other women while he’d been aware on tour with Haven—and he hadn’t entertained any of them for a second. What if he had, though? Lauren and I weren’t friends yet. We didn’t develop a bond until I’d gotten home…
So, if I’d had knowledge of Jimmy cheating on her before we were friends…Would I have told her? Would I have ever wanted to bring it up?
The answer was a resounding no.
But I’d never really know for sure unless I was in the situation. Which, for obvious reasons, I never would be.
“I don’t know,” I said finally.
She shrugged, “Me neither.”
“What do I do, Lo?” I whined, reaching out to pull her fork from her hands and stabbing a chunk of lettuce.
“I mean…” she hesitated, taking her silence as an opportunity to grab a second fork. “You love him, right?”
“You know I do,” I said softly.
She sighed, “It was a long time ago…”
“I can’t decide if that makes it better or worse,” I thought aloud.
“Do you want my honest opinion?”
I nodded.
She didn’t seem convinced.
“Tell me,” I laughed, stabbing another forkful.
“Brian loves you,” she told me seriously. “It’s really obvious to anyone with eyes. He’s never had a slip up—”
I interjected venomously, “That we know of.”
She pointed her fork at me, “Fair. But…from what I’ve seen, the man worships you. He’s stood by you through a lot of shit…What he did was awful, I will not argue with you there…”
She hesitated.
“But?” I encouraged.
She shrugged, “He didn’t love you then.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I laughed awkwardly.
“No,” she smiled. “It’s supposed to offer perspective. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, anything before ‘I love you’ doesn’t count.”
“Sounds a lot like justifying infidelity to me,” I offered.
She nodded slowly, “Maybe…but maybe you’re being short-sighted here.”
I furrowed my brows at her.
“I’m on your side,” she smiled, patting the top of my hand with hers. “I’ll always be on your side…All I’m saying is…” she sighed loudly. “Is it worth throwing away what you guys have over something that happened three years ago?”
I considered this, “How can I trust him, Lauren? He lied to me.”
“He omitted the truth,” she smirked. “To save you from being hurt.”
“Feels a lot like you’re on Brian’s side,” I teased lightly.
“I just have a different appreciation for relationships,” she said carefully. “Brian is worth holding onto…I’d give anything to hold onto Jimmy again…We should all just be grateful for what we have while we have it.”
There was the guilt train pulling into the station.
For the sake of her sanity, I refrained from responding how I wanted to. Her implication that I should forgive Brian solely because he might unexpectedly and tragically pass way was enough to enrage me. I understood what she’d tried to say, but was utterly annoyed with the way she’d said it.
Fear of losing someone shouldn’t be enough to make someone stay in a relationship.
“Take the night to think about it,” she said sympathetically. “You have every right to feel hurt and confused…I just don’t want to see you throw away your life is all.”
“Brian is not my life,” I muttered. “I was a functioning human being before him and I will be after him, too.”
She smiled sympathetically, “You know what I mean.”
“I need to go to bed,” I said to keep from throwing a tantrum. “I can’t think about this anymore.”
“I’m here if you need,” she tried to be helpful.
I nodded, tossing my fork into the sink, “I know. I’ll see you in the morning.”
My feet carried me upstairs and into her guest room, where I tightly locked the door. I couldn’t bring myself to turn the light on—things were easier to face in the dark. So, I laid in the bed, my face buried in her down-filled pillows, and I ran through our relationship in my mind.
Maybe Lauren was right. Maybe I was being too short-sighted. I didn’t want to be focusing on the revelation that Brian had started out our life together in deceit. I’d been so foolish, believing that he was a good guy back then. I’d known better.
Tyler had known better.
But was he that person now? Had he really come as far as everyone seemed to believe? If you’d asked me an hour before, I would have said yes. But now I just wasn’t so sure.
He obviously held little qualm with hiding truths from me…So, where was the line?
I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere in the midst of my tears and my confusion, I must have fallen asleep.
Lauren startled me awake with a gentle rapping on the door, “Blair? Are you up?”
I grumbled something of a reply.
“Um…” she paused. “Brian’s here…Did you want me to send him away?”
She was a good friend—even when I didn’t really appreciate it.
I sat up, smoothing the knots in my hair with my hands.
“Let him in,” I told her through the door.
Once I could hear her footsteps leading away, I crept over to unlock the door. Then I sunk back into the bed, suddenly nervous to see him. It was easier to be angry when you weren’t staring your salvation in the face.
Within a few minutes, Brian’s head poked around the door. He didn’t smile. He didn’t speak. He closed the door behind him and immediately climbed into bed with me, taking me into his arms and sighing into my hair.
I couldn’t move. I didn’t have it in me to fight him this time. I just laid there, dead and numbed by my own confusion.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said.
My eyes welled up a little with salt, “You’re always sorry, Brian.”
He was quiet again.
His grip on me relented and he sat himself up, leaning his back up against the wall. He stayed that way until I, too, sat up to face him. It killed me to look at him—how far we’d come in just twelve short hours. It’s funny the way life works that way.
It isn’t funny ha-ha so much as it is a spiraling out of control kind of humor.
“I don’t know what to say,” he frowned at me. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
I shrugged, “I don’t know that you can.”
“Can we go home?” he asked pleadingly. “We can talk about this there…as much or as little as you want.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I said more harshly than I’d meant to. “Why are you even here?”
He squinted at me, “You think I’m just going to let you fuck off? You’re out of your mind if you think I’ll let you go without a fight.”
“What a stalker thing to say,” I tried to joke.
He looked almost like he did the night I’d met him. He was burdened and distant. But he’d aged a little over the years…I tried to find the old Brian then—the one that I was angry with. Sometimes they didn’t seem like the same person.
“I dated her for two months,” Brian told me, though I hadn’t asked. “She was really fucking stupid and had practically no sense of humor. There was no actual connection between us at all—”
“Then why would you date her?” I challenged.
He shrugged, “To appease my fucking ego, I guess. She was fucking obsessed with me…as Synyster. Fuck, she’d only call me Syn and we never really talked about anything real.”
“So she was a glorified fuck buddy,” I offered angrily.
“I guess,” he sighed. “She was…something to do.”
“Gross,” I grimaced.
He smiled for a second but it faded out fast, “I wasn’t expecting to meet you…”
I stared at him.
“I was young,” he said, trying to verbalize his thoughts. “and I was stupid.”
I nodded.
“You came into my life at a weird time…” he paused, looking deep into my eyes. “You pulled me out of a really dark place. I’m not that fucking guy that I was parading around as—you know that’s not me.”
“I don’t know anything,” I grumbled.
He frowned, “You’re the love of my fucking life, Blair. Can you not see that?”
“I don’t know how to let it go,” I told him seriously. “Why would you start fucking around with me if you had a girlfriend? What’s different? How do I know you haven’t fucked around behind my back, huh? You were fine doing it to whatever the fuck her name is.”
“You know I would never—”
I snapped, “No, I fucking don’t. I do not know that.”
“Yes you do,” he insisted angrily.
“Why did you start—”
He rolled his eyes, “Holy fuck, why does it matter?”
I challenged him without saying a word.
“Because,” he groaned loudly. “I felt something between us the fucking second I met you. The very second that I spotted you, moping by yourself at that fucking bar—I knew that you were different.”
“I wasn’t moping,” I said like it mattered.
He softened his voice, “Blair, I pursued you because I genuinely liked you. I won’t lie to you, it wasn’t really my intention to date you.”
“You and Lauren are both terrible at consoling people,” I said sternly.
“Come on,” he groaned. “You didn’t want to date me either. You kept going on and on about how I was going to fuck you over.”
“Didn’t you?” I hissed.
He sighed, “At first you were something fun for me to chase around…That night in the bar, every time I looked at you—it took all of my control not to fuck you in the middle of the lounge.”
“Brian,” I blushed.
Even in the throes of my rage, he still was able to appeal to my soul. It felt like ages since we’d been in the bar—avoiding Jimmy—Brian ambushing me in the dimly lit hallway. He’d been so forceful back then…like he had to have me.
It had been progressively more gentle since then. Now sometimes I felt more like a fragile porcelain doll than a worthy sexual counterpart.
“But then we went out,” he continued down memory lane. “And—”
“And you fucked me in the ocean,” I said for him.
He smiled at the thought, “Right…But I didn’t mean to.”
I squinted.
“You were…” he smiled. “You were so fucking cool. Everything you said, the way you moved…I was so enthralled by you. I still am.”
My gaze softened just a tad.
Just a tad.
“I know it’s fucking terrible,” he lamented. “I know I was a piece of shit. But…Amber just wasn’t important—It didn’t even occur to me that I would have to break anything off with her.”
“Please don’t say her name,” I grumbled.
He exhaled loudly, “I’m fucking sorry, Blair. I’m really, really sorry. I know it doesn’t change what I did…but I broke up with her the second I figured out that I had any real feelings for you.”
“You know what night our date was, don’t you?” I asked with my entire body trembling.
Maybe that was what was making this so difficult for me to digest. The night Brian and I had run off, my entire world changed. I’d chosen that night, Brian over Tyler—and fuck had it ever backfired.
And he had a girlfriend the whole time—a girlfriend that wasn’t me.
“Of course I know,” Brian said quietly. “I’m not that person anymore.”
I looked him over suspiciously. He was the same old Brian that I knew…that I loved.
But my heart was still aching. I wasn’t sure what to do.
“You’re really fucking me up,” I told him. “Maybe you aren’t that person anymore…but you hid this from me…I don’t trust you anymore, Brian…I just don’t.”
He swallowed hard, “So what does that mean?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I don’t…I don’t know.”
“Where does that leave us?” his voice shook as he asked.
I took a deep breath, “I…don’t know.”
Brian nodded to himself for a minute, “I should go.”
“Bri?” I spoke as he headed for the door.
Something about watching Brian leave was too painful to allow—even if I was still angry.
“You should have just told me,” I said quietly. “All those years ago.”
He shook his head, “I never wanted you to look at me like that kind of guy…Even if I was.”
“You know I love you,” it came out in almost a whisper.
He looked like I’d shot him in the chest. Maybe I had.
“I’ve always loved you,” he said sternly. “I’ll see you when you’re ready to come home.”
And he was gone.

Notes

xx