Through All the Dust

“How sweet is this?” Matt announced, holding his full glass to the members of our table. “Cheers to our favourite Grammy nominated songstress!”
There was a chorus of ‘cheers’ as everyone clinked their glasses together and took big sips. Brian winked at me, pulling me into him and planting a kiss on my cheek.
“So are you performing or what?” Zacky asked me as he finished his drink. “Are we invited?”
I smiled, taking a big gulp of my whiskey and coke, “I don’t know. I just got the call about my nominations today—Would you really want to come to the Grammys?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Zacky retorted. “I clean up real nice.”
“I think she’ll probably take me,” Brian smirked.
Zacky rolled his eyes, sinking into his chair, “She would have ended up with me if she hadn’t met you first.”
“Technically I did meet you first,” I grinned at Zacky.
Johnny was smiling like an idiot, “That’s true! I was there!”
“No, no, no,” Zacky argued. “You were already dating this loser when I met you. I’m sure of it. You met Brian first, and then the rest of us.”
“You’re way off, man,” Brian laughed, taking a swig of his beer.
“Girls always end up with the first one they meet,” Zacky insisted.
Matt furrowed his brows, “Yoko Ono went after Paul first. She ended up with John. Your theory is stupid.”
“Did Blair or did Blair not end up with the first one of us she met?” Zacky said seriously. “I rest my case.”
I eyed Zacky closely over the top of my glass as I downed my drink, “I did not. The first one I met died.”
I flagged down the waitress as she passed, asking her for another round for the table—mostly for myself. The table had fallen into a silence following my little remark.
As I turned back, Brian was not happy. His face was contorted and sad. It’s almost like he’d forgotten that one of us was missing…and I’d just reminded him.
“I met Jimmy first,” I added, trying to draw away from how insensitive I’d just been. “Without meeting Jimmy, I probably wouldn’t have met any of you.”
“No,” Zacky said flatly. “I’m positive—”
“She met Jimmy first,” Johnny nodded. “I remember. They were standing in the wings at one of the festivals…I was hanging with Jimmy but when I came back with my beers, I saw he was talking to some chick. I didn’t want to cockblock.”
I smirked, “Jimmy wasn’t picking me up.”
“Well I didn’t know that at the time,” Johnny groaned.
I turned to look at Brian, who still wasn’t quite looking like himself, “Where were you that day? In hindsight, it’s weird that you weren’t around.”
He shrugged.
“He was with Amber,” Johnny said stupidly.
I stared at him blankly. A silence fell over the table again.
“Who’s Amber?” I asked cautiously.
Brian cringed, giving one hell of a dirty look to his bandmate.
“I need a beer!” Matt announced and quickly disappeared from the table.
Johnny stood, “I’m right behind you!”
“I literally just ordered a round,” I growled as Johnny pulled Zacky away with him.
“Yeah…” Johnny hesitated. “But you two are about to fight and I don’t want to play audience.”
Brian rolled his eyes, “Thanks, man.”
He mouthed an apology and then disappeared. That left Brian and I in an awkward tension. I was doing math in my head—Who was the girl?
“Okay so who’s Amber?” I tried again.
Brian sighed, “The girl I dated before you.”
“And you’ve never mentioned her….why?”
He shrugged, “She isn’t important.”
Then the math started to add up.
“Wait, I’m sorry—you were with your ex-girlfriend the day I met Jimmy?” I started to think out loud. “She was your girlfriend then?”
Brian nodded.
I was trying to remember what it was like when Brian and I had met. I remembered flirting with him on the rooftop bar—and for the rest of the night afterward. He’d come to my apartment…no, we hadn’t done anything.
“Blair?” Brian asked oddly.
I held a finger up—I needed more time to continue my thought process.
“When did you break up with her?” I asked, my heart sinking.
He shrugged, “I don’t remember.”
“Don’t give me that shit,” I warned. “You kissed me the day after we met. Was she still your girlfriend then?”
He looked down at the floor.
“Brian,” I said lowly. “Was she your girlfriend the first time we hooked up?”
He still wouldn’t look at me.
“Are you still dating her now?” I laughed because if I didn’t, I thought for sure I might stab him.
Then he looked at me, “Of course not.”
“Well then?” I pleaded out of sheer frustration. “When the fuck did you break up with her?”
“I don’t know,” he lied.
“Fuck this,” I growled, pushing my chair back dramatically and storming off.
The guys were in my path and they each looked more uncomfortable than the next. Johnny looked the guiltiest of all. It dawned on me that they had all known—I’d been the only one out of the loop. I was an idiot.
And then it occurred to me that Jimmy had known and had said nothing. He’d pretended all that time to be my friend—whilst secretly harboring a secret that he knew would change how I looked at Brian. Eternally on Team Brian, I guessed.
I pushed passed them and through the exit. The second I hit the street, I lit a cigarette—as if maybe the nicotine would soothe my furious soul.
The last few years of my life suddenly seemed like a lie. If Brian had been fine with lying to me—oh my god. Had he slept with her at the same time?
I felt sick.
“Blair,” Brian’s voice enraged me further.
I started to speed-walk.
“Blair!” he shouted after me.
He jogged to catch up with me, grabbing my arm to slow my pace. I whipped around to face him.
“Don’t you fucking touch me,” I hissed.
He looked afraid, “I’m sorry you found out like that—Johnny never should have fucking said anything.”
“I can assure you that this is not Johnny’s fault,” I snarled. “This one is all Brian.”
“Blair, it was like a thousand years ago,” he insisted as I started to walk again. “I’m not that guy anymore.”
“Fuck you,” I snapped. “Get the fuck away from me.”
“Blair,” he snapped right back, grabbing my arm to force me to stop moving. “Can you stop for two fucking seconds?”
I pulled my arm back, “Don’t. Touch. Me.”
“She wasn’t important,” he told me urgently. “She didn’t mean anything to me.”
“And yet,” I laughed like a psycho, “you kept her around until when? Until you’d weighted my worth against hers? Was I just better in bed? What, Brian? She didn’t mean anything and yet—you kept her around?”
He groaned, pulsing his hands in and out of fists, “I broke up with her after we had our first date. The second I got home, I broke up with her.”
“You’re disgusting,” my voice shook as I spoke. “You’re a disgusting piece of shit.”
“Blair,” he pleaded as I took off once again.
“You’re overreacting!”
I stopped. I turned. And I slapped him clear across his smug, lying face.
“I’m overreacting?” I demanded. “Our entire relationship started with you lying. And cheating—not only on me but some other fucking girl.”
“We weren’t exactly together the first time we fucked,” he growled at me.
“Fuck you, Brian,” I said, shaking my head at him.
He was silent. I could hear the gears in his brain working into overdrive for a way to fix the problem we’d found ourselves in. There was nothing he could do.
“You know,” I said shakily, breaking the silence. “That day I found you having dinner with some other woman…you made me feel insane for thinking you were capable of cheating on me. You made me feel fucking stupid for bringing up the fact that you had a reputation for being a real piece of work. And yet, you had just recently been seeing two women at the same time. Funny.”
“It wasn’t like that,” he sighed. “Blair—”
“Here,” I said seriously, sliding my beautiful ring from my trembling finger and handing it to the man I hated that I loved. “I don’t think I need it anymore.”
“Blair, come on,” Brian replied worriedly. “Can we just go home? I will tell you whatever you want to know.”
I pursed my lips, looking up at the moon to keep from crying, “I think your deadline for that was a few years ago.”
“I didn’t know that you were going to be…” Brian stopped.
“Brian,” I sighed. “I need to go.”
“You do not,” he argued.
I hesitated, “I’m really mad.”
He just nodded.
“You lied to me…” I swallowed hard. “For years…”
“It wasn’t important,” Brian frowned. “I knew it would only hurt you.”
I nodded slowly, my gaze falling away from his, “You were right. It hurt me alright.”
“Blair…”
I shook my head, “I’m going to go stay with Lauren for tonight. I need time to…think.”
“Can we please not let one shitty thing I did erase the last few years together? It doesn’t mean anything, Blair. She didn’t mean anything.”
“It means everything,” I retorted sadly. “You hid this from me then…and you’ve hid it from me every day since… I don’t know what to do with that, Bri. I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“Nothing,” he insisted. “Let it go. I know I was a less than perfect person when we met—but I’m better now. You made me better. I love—”
“Don’t,” I warned.
He frowned, “Can you please just keep this? Unless you’re absolutely fucking sure you don’t want it anymore.”
He held his hand out to me, my ring in his palm. I looked at him and then at the ring. Maybe I’d been dramatic in giving it back—but my heart was broken. How was I supposed to trust him again?
But I wasn’t sure that I couldn’t forgive him. He was right, it was years ago…
I was really confused.
I snatched my ring back from him—he looked relieved.
“I need time,” I said again slowly.
He just nodded.
“Thanks for ruining my celebration night,” I said sarcastically.
He sighed, “Blair—”
I turned on my heel and walked off. This time he let me.
Maybe I had no right to be angry—maybe my deadline for reaction had passed. But it was new to me; in my world, this had just happened. I didn’t know how to feel about being an accidental other woman. I didn’t know what kind of questions I actually wanted answers to. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to trust Brian ever again.
If he had cheated on one person, what was to say he wouldn’t cheat on me? Maybe he had. He’d had plenty of opportunities, I was sure. Eight months on the road, no girlfriend around to keep an eye on him—obviously Jimmy was willing to cover his tracks.
I didn’t know what any of it meant—for me or for our relationship.
If I couldn’t sort it out on my own, I knew that Lauren could weigh in. I was a little concerned it might revert her opinion of Brian back to her old views—but it was a risk I had to take.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married anymore.
Hell, I wasn’t sure I wanted Brian at all anymore.

Notes

Because I can never let my characters be happy.

Obviously.

xx