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Just Before You Go

Chapter Ninety-Nine: Us Against the World

Jimmy and I had returned home after lingering around long enough to ensure Blair's sanity. Brian swore he'd take care of her and he'd make sure she got home. But all night long, I tossed and I turned and I couldn't shake the worry that had seemingly consumed my soul. I worried for Tyler but mostly I worried for Blair. What a heavy load she'd been tasked with carrying all that time...And she'd been completely alone.
As Jimmy slept quietly by my side, I watched the way his chest rose and fell. I pushed myself to imagine what I'd do if one day that stopped. If he'd been so riddled with darkness that the only logical next step he knew to take was into the catacombs. Would that burden me? Would I panic every second of every day?
I couldn't imagine living a life that way. Jimmy was so carefree; so limitless. I assured myself that there would never be a day that I would have to live without him--I wasn't sure that I could.
When the morning broke, I practically jumped from the bed. Despite the looming dark circles beneath each of my eyes, I was determined to get out into the world. I had a lot of rescuing to do. I sent a quick text to Brian and learned that he was out running errands; which left Blair at home alone. He said she'd still been asleep when he left. After a few minutes hesitation, Brian had given me Blair's address. I'd taken that as permission to go and see her--I couldn't remember how we'd gotten there the night before. It had been too much of a panic and we'd come from the wrong way. I needed to absolve my worries, and the only way to do that was to confront the suspects head on.
Gone to see Blair. Be back soon.
I stole Jimmy's car and headed out of Huntington. She lived up in Anaheim, which wasn't particularly far from me. The radio was turned down low as thoughts of the previous day enveloped my mind. All I could picture was Blair's arms soaked in red; her shirt stained in blood. I couldn't imagine the scene she'd walked into--it must have been something straight out of a horror film. Her whole life struck me as something out of a horror film. She had no parents, her best friend was plagued with a distaste for existence, and she'd worked herself into a hard-coated shell of armor. My heart beat for her, slowly and with great pain. I saw a flicker of vulnerability as she'd wrapped her arms around Brian's neck and pushed herself into his chest. I was glad she had Brian; perhaps he could coax a softness from her that the world had yet to see. Maybe Blair could still surprise herself.
I pulled the car against the curb and hesitantly removed myself from its safety. Blair didn't strike me as the type to enjoy surprises, so suddenly I felt a bit nervous about my impromptu visit. Nevertheless, I made the long walk to the door and found her name on the intercom.
Peterson, B - 36
I pushed my finger against the white button, illuminating its soft glow. A crackling sounded through the speakers as a dull beep sounded out against it. I waited.
"Yeah?" Blair's voice yawned into the doorway.
"Um...Hi, Blair. It's...Aria."
There was a brief pause before a siren-like beep sounded and I heard the heavy lock give way. I hurriedly pulled the door open and stepped inside. It looked different somehow. Less delusional; less daunting. I climbed the stairs, trying my best to remember the path Brian and Jimmy had showed to me. Finally, I found her floor and stumbled out into the hallway.
"What was her number?" I asked myself quietly, glancing up at each number plastered to the individual doors.
I was relieved when I saw Blair's head hang out from a doorway ahead; to my surprise, she smiled.
"I wasn't sure if you'd remember where I was," she called to me lightly.
I laughed, "I don't."
"Well come on," she smirked. "My neighbors already hate me, so yelling down the hall probably isn't helping my case."
That struck me as odd. I couldn't imagine anybody hating Blair Peterson. If her dismantling good looks weren't enough to intrigue you, then her dazzling eyes should have been enough to subdue anyone into adoration. She had a tough exterior, but I'd seen the warmth that swam around deep, deep inside of her. What was there not to love?
I quickened my pace, slinking around her and into her small apartment. She locked the door behind me, raising her cigarette above her head as she slipped passed me and led me into her living room. She tapped the ash from the end of the smoke as she sank into the sofa.
I'd never seen a human being look quite so tired.
"What's up?" she asked casually, as if the fiasco of the night before had never happened.
I hesitated, uncomfortable in my own skin with the pressing surroundings of everything Blair beating into my senses, "I just...wanted to see how you were."
Her green eyes met mine and they were riddled with burden. It hurt my heart all over again.
"I'm okay," she half-smiled. "Tyler called a while ago...I'm heading up there soon."
I nodded, allowing myself the pleasure of sitting in the chair across from her. She watched me, pulling the smoke from her cigarette deep into her lungs as I tried to feign comfort.
"I'm sorry you had to see all that shit," Blair sighed. "Not my finest fucking hour, that's for sure."
I frowned, "I think you held up pretty well...All thing's considered."
"Yeah," she answered shortly, entirely void of emotion.
"I'm so sorry, Blair," I tried. "This isn't fair to you...It's such a messed up situation."
She squinted a bit, the same was Jimmy would when he'd forget his glasses behind and was asked to read something. I wondered if Blair wore glasses; I'd never seen her hidden behind a frame.
"Nothing in life is fair," she shrugged finally. "It just...Is what it is."
"That's terribly depressing," I half-laughed.
"Not really," she rebutted smoothly. "Everyone is always operating on this weird pretense that we get what we deserve. That we're somehow owed something in the name of fairness. But it's just bullshit, Aria. That's all bullshit. Nothing is fair and nothing is owed. You just...do the best with what you have."
She spoke right to my soul.
"And this is what I have," she finished with another defeated shrug.
I swallowed down the depth she'd just flooded me with, "I want to help."
"Help with what?" she asked confusedly.
"Tyler," I told her sternly. "I want to help him...and you."
She laughed and it deeply unsettled my nerves, "There's no helping Tyler, Aria. I...I tried to explain this to you before. I don't think I did a good job of that."
I glanced around, trying to find logic to throw at her in argument for Tyler's soul. Surely there was still something left to salvage. How could she give up on him?
"Look," she sighed, stomping her cigarette against the base of her glass ashtray. "Tyler is really fucking damaged. Maybe he survived this time...But he might not next time. I just don't think you should get yourself involved in it...Save yourself the heartache."
I challenged her, "How do you know there will be a next time? Maybe we could--"
"There's always a next time, Aria," she told me shallowly.
"Don't you want to help him?" I dared to ask, the pain sounding clear through my voice to shield me from her wrath.
Her heart broke at my words, but in true Blair fashion, she rallied and composed herself.
"It isn't about me," she answered slowly. "I've spent the last...half of my life...trying to help Ty. I've tried to fix him and I've tried to save him...But I'm figuring it out as I go. And what I've figured out is that it has absolutely nothing to fucking do with me. He needs to save himself. I can't give him that drive; I can't give him that lust for life. He needs to find it for himself...Or he'll remain unsaved."
It was evident from the way Blair spoke that this absolutely hadn't been her first rodeo. This was years of torment and turmoil spewing out its cynicism. But despite her bleak outlook, I supposed she had a point. The problems ran deep within Tyler's blood and there was nothing Blair could do--or I could do--to offer a transfusion.
"Like I said," she sighed. "It's probably better not to involve yourself. I...I wouldn't want you to go through what I've gone through, Aria. If I can stop you from.....I don't want you to get hurt."
I nearly fainted at the realization Blair gave a shit about me. It was like all my fantasies had come to life. I guess the shock showed on my face because Blair set off into a fit of laughter.
"Stop," she told me. "Stop looking at me like that."
I grinned, "You like me."
She tilted her head, perplexed by my statement, "Of course I like you. We're friends, aren't we?"
"I'm not always sure," I replied with a shrug. "You did hook up with Jimmy..."
Her laughter cut out all at once. Her gaze fell from my eyes to my shoes as she sunk into herself. Apparently we shared the same sore spot.
"I shouldn't have done that," she breathed. "Sometimes I do this shit...And I think that I might be self-destructive. Not that it's an excuse."
I smiled, "It's fine, Blair. I shouldn't have brought it up like that. We've already talked about this; I know that."
"No," she maintained, meeting my gaze once more. "We can talk about it as long and as often as you want, Aria. It was something that shouldn't have happened...and it hurt you. I'm really fucking sorry that I hurt you."
"You didn't," I sighed. "Not really. You didn't owe me anything, Blair. Jimmy owed me something...But like I told you before, I'm kind of glad it happened. Now it's done and it's over with...And now you and I can have a real shot at being friends."
She smirked, "You're a weird breed of female. Anyone ever tell you that before?"
"A few people," I snickered. "I just don't see the point in holding a grudge."
"I hold grudges," she told me with a laugh, reaching over to grab another cigarette from her pack of Marlboros.
"It'll age you," I grinned.
She lit her cigarette and sank into the back of the couch, breathing the smoke through her nose as she ran through the course of her life.
"It was fucking horrible, Aria," Blair thought aloud.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear about it. I wasn't sure my squeamish bones could handle the intensity. But I wanted to help--and if Blair wanted to talk, I would never shut her out.
"What...What happened?" I asked hesitantly.
She took a deep breath, digging her teeth into her bottom lip with a hunger.
"Can I have one of these?" I rushed before she'd had a chance to begin, reaching out to linger over the open cigarette pack.
She nodded with a smile, "Go ahead. They're Brian's."
"Brian left his smokes here?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow.
I'd never seen Brian without cigarettes on hand. He was far more compulsive than he lead on to be and his addiction worked itself well into that.
Blair just nodded.
"I ran out," she explained lamely. "He's grabbing more while he's out."
"Is he being good to you?" I asked her cautiously as she tossed the orange lighter to me.
She smiled and it warmed my icy veins, "He's being so good to me...I'm not sure I deserve it. After all these months of this back and forth bullshit..."
"You deserve it," I insisted happily, lighting the cigarette and choking on the smoke. "He was so worried about you when we heard about Tyler...I don't think I've ever seen Brian panic like that."
Her green eyes moved from her cigarette to my eyes, "Really?"
I nodded, "You're all he cared about. He left his guitar magazine interview...thing...the second he found out. He literally just...left."
A smile spread across her features,temporarily lifting the heavy haze that had otherwise consumed her.
But soon the realization of what had happened was back and she was quickly recognizable again. That darkness had come back for her; like it had never really lost track of her at all.
"So what happened?" I asked then, moving passed the girl talk.
She sighed, "Brian and I went out...Which Tyler had some serious fucking objections to."
"Why?" I asked flatly.
"Because that's who Tyler is," she groaned. "He thinks he's my protector or some shit. I don't think he understands that I don't need protecting."
The irony seemed to be lost on her that the only thing she needed protecting from was Tyler himself.
And maybe herself.
"He's just convinced that Brian is a total piece of shit," she added with an eye roll. "But I'm just not convinced...So, I wanted to go and live my life for once, you know? I don't date...ever. So, I thought who better to break that mold with than Brian? I obviously have a bit of a penchant for him...I figured there was no harm in exploring it."
I nodded along as she talked, figuring if I interjected it would only ruin her train of thought.
"And we had such a good fucking time," she frowned. "I don't think I've been that happy...Maybe ever."
Oh, Brian. He had obviously upped his game. I was mentally high-fiving him.
"But then I get home...and I have all of these messages on my answering machine," she paused. "I kind of figured they were from Tyler and I seriously thought about not listening to them at all...But I did. And then...Fuck, it's honestly kind of a blur."
I could only imagine the hell Blair had gone through. I prayed to god that I never received a horrifying message that someone I loved was thinking of ending their life. I couldn't begin to imagine the panic that would inspire.
"I remember getting to his apartment," Blair said, her cigarette reduced to ash without her noticing. "And he was on the bathroom floor...There was...There was blood fucking everywhere."
She took a second, pulling deep breaths of air into her lungs. Only then did she notice what had become of her cigarette; she tossed it into the ashtray and cleared her throat.
"Anyway," she said more casually. "I called an ambulance and...we just kind of...waited."
"I'm so sorry," was all I could think to say.
She bit at her lip, "I guess it's a good thing he slit his wrists open."
A gasp escaped from my lips without permission.
"Sorry," she half-laughed. "I sound like a fucking psychopath. What I meant was it's better he did that...Because if he'd hung himself or some shit like that, I would have been too late."
Her casual nature about such a heavy subject seriously unravelled me. How far had Tyler pushed her that these were the normal thoughts she was having now? Just how broken had Tyler made her?
"I shouldn't have said that out loud," she noted with a laugh. "I actually had just gotten home when you guys showed up."
I didn't know what to say to her.
"I came to call Tyler's parents," she added, sensing my discomfort. "They're coming...So maybe you'll meet them."
"I thought you said I shouldn't get involved," I replied pointedly.
She smiled, "Yeah...But you didn't listen to me the first time. So, I doubt you'll listen to me the second time around."
"Yeah," I laughed. "Probably not...I care about him."
She nodded, pursing her lips, "The age old dilemma."
"I care about you too," I told her, in case it wasn't perfectly clear. "So does Jimmy. A lot. So...If you need anything..."
"I know," she smiled weakly. "Thanks."
Her door creaked open and in stepped a Brian Haner, struggling with an insane amount of plastic bags. He dropped a set of keys onto a little table and then headed for the kitchen. Blair watched him with amusement but made no efforts to help.
When he reappeared, he tossed a brand new pack of Marlboros into her lap.
"Thanks," she grinned up at him.
"I bought you groceries too," he informed her. "Because your fridge is embarrassingly empty."
"I've been on tour," she reminded him. "With you. I bet your fridge is fucking barren too."
Brian thought about this and then laughed, "Maybe a bit."
"You can eat the food you just bought," she smirked. "Save yourself an extra grocery trip."
The way Blair lit up beneath Brian's gaze brought me more peace than I could have conjured for myself. She'd already found someone to lean into, someone to pull her out from the depths of despair. I'd wasted my night worrying about her; she already had someone looking out for her. It was about time she'd let him in.
"I should go," I announced, climbing to my feet.
Brian furrowed his brows, "Hate me that much?"
"Yes," I laughed. "That's it."
"Where's Jim?" he asked me curiously, plopping down onto the sofa next to Blair.
I shrugged, "At home. Maybe still sleeping. Hard to say."
"It's before noon," Brian grinned. "He's definitely still sleeping."
"I'm going to go find out," I snickered. "I'll see you guys later?"
Blair nodded.
Brian smirked, "Yeah, I need to come and get my car back from the Rev before he drives it off a fucking cliff."
"Might be too late," I cringed dramatically.
"I'll swing by later," he told me happily. "Say hi to Jimmy for me."
I nodded, "Will do."
My gaze met Blair's one last time as she silently thanked me for coming around. I think that's what it meant, anyway.
Most of the weight had been relieved as I made the journey back to Huntington. I'd have to get up to see Tyler at some point, of this I knew. But I wasn't ready yet. I had some thoughts to work myself through still--I needed to help him. Maybe Blair thought it was a lost cause, but perhaps I could offer Tyler new perspective. Blair was at a point where she needed desperately to begin to put her own life together. My life was already together. I could take on some extra work.
As I sauntered into the house and found Jimmy had moved from the bed to the couch, I laughed quietly to find him asleep. I slipped into the small space beside him, trying my best not to fall off. He stirred from my intrusion, his crystal blues cracking open to sneak a peak at me. He smiled.
"How's Blair?" he asked tiredly.
"Good."
His eyes drifted closed as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close. How lucky was I to have a love to rely on? A love I didn't have to worry would dim and die out. Jimmy never made me worry about his mortality. With his restless spirit and boundless energy, I was nearly convinced he'd live forever.
"I love you," I whispered into his chest, running my fingers across his back.
He was fast asleep.

Notes

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@kiss my sas
I'm sorry!!!! Didn't mean to kick you while you're down, I swear!!

fyction fyction
5/14/19

I'm so proud of you for finishing this masterpiece, but I am SO SAD!!!
WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN AND UPSETTING THE SICK AUSSIE?!??!?!
WHAT IS LIFE??!???!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

IT IS NOT OVER!!!
I REFUSE TO ADMIT IT IS OVER!!!!!!
PLAGUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

Holy shit, holy shit, I am not prepared!!!!
Going to read the... last... chapter now...

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19