Just Before You Go

Brian retrieved us from the airport, shepherding us back into the chaos of tour life.
“Good trip?” he asked, glancing over at his passenger to find Jimmy completely passed out.
I smirked, “Yeah, good enough.”
“Were the Sullivans pumped or what?” he asked knowingly.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Surprised at first, I think.”
“I think we’re all surprised,” Brian said, flashing his brown eyes up at me through the rear view. “None of us thought Jim would ever get married.”
“Engaged is not married,” I noted. “So, we’ll see.”
Brian shook his head, “It’s as good as married as far as Jimmy’s concerned. He wouldn’t ask if he had no plan of following through. He’s talked about nothing but his wife since you left to go spread the good word.”
I let myself sink into that. It was strange to constantly hear about everyone’s shock. It somehow made me feel…lesser. Like our celebration was somehow invalid because Jimmy had been reluctant to share in it throughout the years of his life. Maybe I was overthinking things—that was my strong suit.
Brian caught me up on the minimal things I’d missed in my absence. Apparently Tyler had retreated into himself, which left Blair towing his lines. Brian made no effort to hide his distaste for the situation as he ran me through it.
Jealousy is a strange thing. When I think of jealousy, I think of the way I feel when I see Jimmy interact with another female. Or the feeling I had when I listened to his headboard rhythmically pump against the wall of my hotel room. That was jealousy.
But, I guess, jealousy was any sort of longing. Brian was envious to a fault of the way Blair was always catering to Tyler’s every need. They had a connection that Brian knew he and Blair would never share—and for that, he hated Tyler. Not that Tyler hadn’t aided in that hatred, giving Brian ample opportunity to fuel the fire.
For Brian, though, it seemed less about who Tyler was in life and more about who Tyler was to Blair.
The guy had it bad.
Jimmy slept the entire drive back to the buses, which were lined up and dead. We’d made it back in plenty of time for Jimmy to rally up and make it to sound check. Whether or not he’d be productive was another story.
I got settled back into our little bunk, unpacking my small bag with a sigh. There was a disappointment that I couldn’t seem to shake. For whatever reason, I’d let myself hope. I’d hoped that my family would be accepting of my decision—I didn’t need them to be excited…Just accepting. And they couldn’t even do that.
My phone buzzed violently from within my pocket. I flipped it open without thinking.
From: Luke
I’m so sorry, Aria. Please call me.
That was the fortieth text from my brother that would go unanswered. There were not enough apologies in the universe that would cauterize the damage he’d caused. I grunted to myself, throwing my phone against the wall of the bunk, satisfied as it crashed and thudded.
“You’re sorry,” I mumbled to myself, rummaging through my bag.
“Everything okay?” Blair’s voice startled me.
I whipped around to find her casually sipping at a clear beer, eyeing me up with a bit of concern. Mostly, though, she just had that infamous apathetic Blair look to her.
“Yeah,” I shrugged.
“You sure?” she pressed lightly, leaning against the end of Brian’s bunk. “I don’t typically make a habit of grumbling to myself when I’m okay.”
“Families suck,” I announced. “They’re nothing but a disappointment. Aren’t parents supposed to, like, love you and shit? Doesn’t that mean standing by you when you make a huge step in your life? Isn’t that what parents are for?”
Blair’s face twitched just enough that I was bounding through the reasons for it. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was preaching to an orphan.
“Sorry,” I said sadly.
She waved me off, “No problem. I’m not really the one to gripe about parents to…But, I was raised by my aunt and she’s probably in the same league as your parents.”
“My parents are terrible human beings with absolutely no regard for my wellbeing,” I informed her.
She laughed sharply, “Yeah, same league.”
“Is it stupid that I’m upset?” I asked her because I knew she’d tell me the truth.
“Well, what happened?” she asked coolly.
I gave my bag a final shove into the bunk and then closed the curtains to cover up the mess. As Blair and I walked through the bus and out into the daylight, I took her through the series of events—leaving absolutely no detail out. She was appalled to learn about Luke; first about his disdain for his own child and then for the way he’d intentionally thrown me under the bus.
She had been kind enough to gift me a cigarette, which I hated to admit helped ease my trembling nerves.
“I just compare the reaction with Jimmy’s parents,” I went on dramatically, flailing my hands around. “And it’s bullshit! You know? It’s bullshit. I always thought my parents were these wonderful people…They worked hard, they raised us to work hard…I honestly didn’t think I could ever disappoint them. But I’m obviously nothing but a disappointment.”
“Speaking as someone without parents,” Blair offered from behind her cigarette. “I gather that they’re overrated.”
“Maybe,” I sighed, sinking further into my despair.
“You’re definitely easing my troubles,” Blair teased softly. “I have the luxury of assuming my parents were saints. Though, I know my father was a real piece of shit. But no one is ever going to say that to my face; no one would ever be willing to prove me wrong.”
“I wish I hadn’t been proved wrong,” I frowned. “Everything was easier when I thought they were good people…What do I do now?”
Blair tilted her head, “What do you want to do?”
“Forget them,” I said sternly.
“Well then,” Blair smirked. “Welcome to the orphan club, I guess.”
“Are you really an orphan?” I asked her curiously. “You don’t have parents at all? Your aunt isn’t your mom?”
“Fuck no,” Blair scoffed with a distinct laugh. “Like I said, she’s in league with your parents. I don’t have that parental bond tying me to her, either; so, she’s pretty well not a part of my life at all.”
“That’s sad,” I informed her.
She shrugged again, “I have Tyler’s parents. They’re basically my parents, I guess…For all intents and purposes.”
“What are his parents like?” I asked, curious about how Tyler could have possibly ended up so jaded.
Blair smiled at the thought of them, which lifted my spirits just a little. Every so often, even just for a second, Blair would shed her holier than thou nature and be enveloped in humanity. It was always a sight to behold and it only secured my fascination in her.
“They’re honestly the best people on the planet,” she told me fondly. “His dad is this giant…Tries to act like he’s tough but he’s really progressive…Super sweet. He took me to a father/daughter dance once. That’s really the best way to sum him up, I think.”
“Really?” I was surprised.
She nodded, “Tyler…It’s that whole nature versus nurture thing, you know? We’re all pretty sure he was born with his demons. Or they crawled into his bedroom late one night while everyone was sleeping…Because I’ve been around forever and there’s never been anything…given…to him.”
I loved that she knew exactly where my surprise stemmed from. Blair was apt in reading people and it was ceaselessly impressive. I couldn’t read a person to save my life; humans were an eternal mystery to me. But Blair…Blair seemed to have life figured out. I blamed that on Tyler—he’d robbed her of the secret whimsy of life and now she was too hardened to enjoy it.
“How is Tyler?” I asked cautiously.
She stomped her cigarette out with her heel, “He’s Tyler.”
“Brian said—”
“Oh, Brian says a lot of shit,” Blair interjected before I’d even formed my thought. “That’s all Brian does.”
“Bitter,” I noted warmly.
She shook her head, “I’m just tired of Brian’s shit.”
“So obviously I missed something,” I laughed nervously.
“No…” she let her eyes wander, I assumed to ensure we were alone. “He just doesn’t get it. He is hell bent on making me feel like shit about my relationship with Tyler. He doesn’t understand it…He doesn’t try to understand it.”
“It’s jealousy,” I told her in case she didn’t know.
She rolled her eyes, “It’s enraging.”
I wasn’t sure what to offer her. I wasn’t as well versed in the advice aspect of life like she was. Brian very obviously adored her—and it annoyed me that she either couldn’t see that or simply chose to ignore it. Instead of fighting Brian’s jealousy, she should have been working to soothe it. But no way in hell was I brave enough to think that out loud.
I’d suffered the wrath of Blair’s fist one time too many.
“We’ll never work,” Blair said finally with a heavy sigh. “I can’t be with someone that thinks I should give up Tyler.”
“He doesn’t think that,” I replied quickly. “There’s no way he could think that.”
She pulled her lips to one side, “I don’t know, Aria.”
“You know what Brian needs?” I thought aloud. “He needs a day with you. He needs to get away with just you. No Tyler, no Jimmy…No other bands. Just the two of you.”
She raised a skeptical eyebrow at me, instantly making me question my boldness.
“Don’t you like him?” I asked nervously.
She breathed, glancing up at the sky, “I don’t know…”
“Blair,” I warned.
“Yeah,” she whined. “I guess…I honestly kind of thought it would die out by now.”
Her honesty made me laugh, which thankfully made her laugh in turn. We stood there, like two awkward seagulls, making strange sounds until a silence fell over us.
“Just think about it,” I encouraged. “Maybe Brian just needs to know that you like him…Or that he’s important to you. Or both. I don’t know. I’m probably wrong. You know what? Don’t even listen to me.”
Blair snickered, shaking her head a bit, “You might be right. It isn’t like alone time with Brian is exactly a burden…”
“That’s all I’m saying,” I offered feebly.
I wasn’t even sure what I was saying by that point.
“Aria!” Jimmy’s voice screeched from across the lot. “I need you!”
“What?” I shouted back impatiently, cursing him for breaking my Blair bonding time.
“They’re talking about voting me off the island! I need you to come and tell me what the fuck that means!”
I snickered, letting Blair pat my shoulder as we silently bid farewell. As I began the long journey to Jimmy’s side, I hoped that I hadn’t given bad advice. I had a long history of offering my thoughts only for something terrible to happen. Luke was a prime example of that; though, that advice had really only backfired on me.
And on Grace if you want to look at it from an abstract point of view.
I was too tired to look at anything from an abstract point of view.
But I told myself that I had done Blair a favour; and Brian by extension. And, in the long run, they’d both be better for it. One night of Brian over Tyler wouldn’t kill anyone. What was the worst that could happen?
Nothing, I’d decided to myself.
I did a good thing.

Notes

I suck.

I'm sorry.

Trashed and Scattered has stolen my attention.

I'm figuring it out.

I suck.

xx