Just Before You Go

I stepped into the California street, my bag latched firmly onto my back and my nerves tucked neatly into my pocket. A line of yellow cabs idled quietly in a row, each one able and willing to take me to my fate. A man shouted a number to me, which I could only assumed meant that was the numbered cab I was meant to hire. My feet carried me down the line, my eyes frantically searching the posted places. When I finally came to number sixteen, a friendly old man greeted me.
I climbed into the passenger seat and set my bag down by my feet. As he pulled the car into gear and we lurched forward without delay, he smiled over at me.
“Where can I take you, miss?”
“17th Street,” I told him nervously. “Huntington Beach.”
“Oh, Huntington!” he beamed. “My sister lives in Huntington.”
I made pleasantries with my face. It was strange the way people would casually offer information about their lives to strangers, as if those strangers could do anything useful with it. All it really did was provide an awkward lull, filled only by awkward tension.
“Right on,” was all I could think to say.
I’d never said right on in my entire life.
“What brings you to Huntington Beach?” he asked as he pulled onto the interstate.
“I live there,” I told him quietly.
“Oh, I see! Well where have you come from then?”
Given that our ride would be nearly an hour, it didn’t seem reasonable to immediate cut contact. I didn’t overly want to divulge every dirty detail of my life to the graying man to my left, but to shut him down would have meant serious discomfort for the both of us. The only way out was through.
“All over,” I smirked. “I’ve been touring the country with my boyfriend—err, fiancé.”
He smiled, glancing over at me with pale eyes, “Forgetting who he is already? Lucky man.”
I found myself laughing, “Hey! That’s not it. It’s just a new thing…It’s only been a week! And I don’t typically talk about him with people that don’t already know…and why am I justifying myself to you?”
He snickered, “So what brings you back to California then, hey?”
“I’ve come to tell my parents,” I sighed, the impending weight of it all crashing around my mind.
“Without the boy?” he mused cheekily. “That’s odd, if I do say.”
“It’s…complicated.”
So much for not divulging my life to a stranger. Though, sometimes it’s easier to do. People involved in your daily life are far more likely to judge you, holding grudges long after you’ve let them go. So, it’s usually in your best interest to keep the bad stuff private…and my parents were the worst thing of all.
But this man didn’t know me from Adam. He’d likely never see me again—except on the odd chance that I found myself in his cab on the way back to LAX. It seemed unlikely, so I immediately spilled my guts to him. I told him all about Christmas and the things that had happened since.
I even told him about Luke.
“Well you sound like you’ve got a better head on your shoulders than that derelict brother o’ yours,” he told me.
I nodded, “I never would have seen that coming. But so it seems.”
“I’m sorry your parents are such a wreck,” he sympathized. “Sometimes we parents don’t know what we’re doin’ ‘til it’s too late. I got a son…lives in Germany now. I haven’t seen him since he was ‘bout your age. He just had his fortieth birthday last Saturday.”
My lips took a dive as my heart ached for this man.
“Sometimes we do some things we can’t take back,” he continued more lightly. “Just ‘cause we’re parents…it don’t mean we’re not just as screwed up as the rest of you.”
The sentiment, as grammatically incorrect as it was, could extend to Lucas, I guess. I wasn’t prepared to write off all of the terrible things my parents had done just yet. But Lucas was still young; he was still stupid and naïve. Maybe, I thought then, he was more screwed up than I was. I wouldn’t have imagined it possible. But then, I’d never tried to justify abandoning a baby.
“It doesn’t make it right,” I told him softly.
He shook his head, “No, it don’t. But your parents sound like they love ya a lot. So, maybe you should cut them some slack, hey?”
“No can do, Mark,” I smirked. “They’ve made their choice; I’ve made mine.”
“That boy,” he fumbled his hand around in the air as he searched his memory for his name, “Jimmy. He worth all this trouble?”
I smiled, “And then some.”
He laughed, shaking a finger in my direction, “Atta girl.”
“Maybe they’ll surprise me,” I offered up thoughtfully. “Maybe they’ll be happy for me.”
“Maybe,” he replied without any real reassurance. “But save yourself some grief; don’t get your hopes up too high.”
“At the very least, I can act as a distraction for Luke,” I sighed to myself. “Like a proper martyr.”
Mark chuckled, taking a second to give me a supportive glance, “You’re goin’ to be alright, Aria. If your parents don’t behave, at least you got love to fall back on.”
Our conversation found its way to happier tidings. He told me about his wife and about their marriage. He offered me advice about patience and understanding. Though, he told me he was sure I was the world’s most understanding woman, given the few things I’d told him about Jimmy. He told me that they’d lived in Georgia for most of their lives but had moved to California to “die in the sun”. He promised it was less depressing than my reaction had lead on.
When we finally pulled up outside Jimmy’s house, I was a little saddened to leave my newfound friend. I glanced out the window to trace the lines of his house, imagining he was bounding around just on the other side. It was comforting for the split second before I realized it was a ruse. Jimmy was far away from me, and I’d never missed him more.
I turned back to Mark, paying him as handsomely as I could. To my surprise, he folded my cash back into my palm with a smile.
“You keep that,” he winked. “You need it for your weddin’!”
“That’s under control,” I assured him, trying to pass the bills back.
He shook his head, “Your conversation was payment a’plenty, dear Aria.”
I smiled, reluctantly stuffing the cash into my pocket to nest with my anxiety. It felt somehow strange to leave Mark now, like we’d somehow molded our tired souls into one. But he had a life to live, and I had a dinner to attend.
“Thank you,” I cooed gently.
"Don't take no shit, Aria," he told me. "They rough you up, you just step back. Sometimes we gotta let go of the ones we love so we can hold the others closer, ya know? Don't be ashamed by who you choose to hold closer."
I nodded knowingly.
“You take care o’ yourself,” he instructed me sternly. “And you tell Jimmy I said hello.”
“I will,” I giggled, pushing open the door and stepping out onto Jimmy’s block. “See ya, Mark.”
He tipped his hat to me as I clicked the door shut and took a step back. I watched him drive around the corner, smiling to myself as I realized not all humans were inherently garbage. Then, it was back to business.
I dug Jimmy’s keys out from my bag and carried myself to the front door. With a turn of a golden key, I was flooded with Jimmy’s scent. It was staler than I was used to, but it was still very much Jimmy. I closed my eyes, soaking it up into the pores of my skin.
Setting my bag down in the bedroom, I took a few minutes to fix myself up. I freshened my makeup and re-straightened my hair. A quick change of clothes later and I was ready to face my fears.
To: Luke
Heading to the parent’s in a minute. Are you already there?
I snatched Jimmy’s keys back into my palm and headed for the door. I was already looking forward to coming back and nestling myself into his couch cushions. He had an impressive movie collection that I was excited to get into, without Jimmy’s insistence and persuasion. He and I had very different film tastes.
From: Luke
Yep. See you soon.
With a deep breath to calm my trembling nerves, I locked up and hopped into Jimmy’s black car. It took some serious adjustments to reach the steering wheel. How was it even humanly possible to be so damn tall? I would have needed to invest in stilts in order to reach the gas pedal as it was. After a few minutes of moving mirrors and sliding the seat around, I sped off.
It felt strange to drive. It had been so long that it felt somehow foreign now. Every single move was labored, every precaution taken. To my surprise, I was relieved as I pulled up next to the curb running along my parents’ front yard. A few more deep breaths.
The world shook as my light steps carried me to the front door. I don’t even remember actually making the journey, but suddenly there I was. The house loomed over me with limbs and tentacles, ready to reach out and snatch me up. The windows looked more like teeth than glass.
I wasn’t sure if I should knock…so, I did.
Instinctively, I turned the ring around on my finger so only the band gleamed in the light. If I could avoid being spotted immediately, I figured that would be for the best.
To my relief, Luke pulled the door open to greet me. He pulled me inside, quickly shutting the door behind me.
“They’re in a good mood,” he told me in hushed tones.
I nodded, “Who’s going first?”
“Me,” he sighed.
“Because they’ll be burning torches after they hear mine?” I smirked.
He nodded absently, “Let’s get this over with…No turning back now.”
I followed my big brother into the living room, where my parents were seated with the most proper posture I’d ever seen. Each held a brown drink in their hands, my father clinked his ice around as his eyes locked on mine. I felt immediately shrunken.
“Aria,” my mother smiled, making no effort to rise from her seated position. “It’s so nice to see you!”
I bit at my tongue, careful not to start the evening out in foul taste.
“How was your trip?” she asked politely.
“Ongoing,” I replied as I sank into the empty chair opposite from her. “I’m only here for a few days.”
“Oh,” was all she said.
Her eyes wandered to my father and then to the floor. He was the puppet master, that much was clear. Despite all effort my mother had made, my father had wiped that slate clean—and then dumped acid atop it. There would be no moving past the contempt for Jimmy; and, by extension, the contempt for me.
“Both children in our home at one time,” my father spoke callously. “Clearly something is afoot.”
“Maybe they’ve just come to visit,” my mother defended weakly.
“Is that so?” my father asked my brother and I, taking a breath to swallow some brandy.
Luke and I exchanged worried glances. I’d naively assumed that my family would engage in some sort of civil small talk before getting to the grit. Unsurprisingly, I was wrong.
“Well,” Luke started nervously, “I, um…I have some news.”
My mother leapt to his side, wrapping a warm arm around her son, “Oh, Luke, honey. You’re shaking! Come. Come sit with me.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Never would I ever receive such doting affection. Not in front of my father. Luke still hadn’t technically wronged them; and, so, he was still deserving of their love.
I hate to admit it, but I felt a little smug in that moment. Luke was about to drop a nuclear bomb onto this nuclear family. Suddenly I wouldn’t be cast as the solo villain; Luke would be set into the role by my side. Maybe they’d disown us both. There was something morbidly validating about that…I wouldn’t be the only child born to disappoint.
“Well,” Luke tried again from the sofa, glancing back and forth from my mom to my dad. “As you know, Grace and I have been together for a while now…”
“Mhm,” my mother hummed happily, rubbing small circles on my brother’s back with the tips of her fingers.
“A surprise has kind of come up,” Luke managed nervously. “and…You know, I’m not really sure how to tell you.”
My mother frowned sympathetically, “Just spit it out, Luke.”
“Grace…is pregnant,” he finally said with a relieved sigh.
My father’s face broke apart in every direction. Both of my parents held on with bated breath, sensing this wasn’t the ending to this story.
I rested on my heels as I waited for Luke to drop the truth. He looked over at me, taking a second to steady his thoughts, before staring my mother in the eyes.
“And I’ve asked her to marry me,” he cheered. “She’s said yes!”
As my parents dove to congratulate my brother, I stood planted in the carpet. The loops of the fabric seemed to be the only thing in the room keeping me from losing consciousness entirely. My ears sang the song of their people as rage tore through my intestines.
That son of a bitch.
“Congratulations!” my father beamed, rustling my brother’s hair.
I felt a little like I’d been sabotaged. Sure, I could have just been pleased that Luke had decided not to be a total dick…But what about all of the things he’d said? What about his doubts and his reservations?
If all he wanted was to announce a marriage, why couldn’t he have told me that sooner? Why was I even there?
Luke had to have all of the delight, that’s why. He knew that I’d have to follow him—because if I’d gone first, he wouldn’t have been able to relish in the joy he’d bestowed onto my parents. He knew that my news would tear them down.
And that made me hate him.
Nodding to myself in acceptance of my family and who they were, both independently and as a whole, I stepped back. I headed for the door.
“Aria?” my mother called.
I stopped in my tracks, waiting for her to say something inviting.
“Why did you come?” she asked instead.
There were no words.
“I just wanted to see you,” I lied through my teeth. “But something’s come up. I have to go.”
“Aria?” my mother’s voice wavered. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lied again. “I have to go.”’
As I took another step, my brother’s voice shattered the last morsel of love that I had left for him. It’s a tragic thing, when love for someone dies. You’re faced with all of the best memories; and you’re stabbed in the chest with the choice.
“She got engaged,” Luke told my mother—and my father too. “She came to tell you that she’s getting married.”
My jaw fell to the floor. He looked so god damn smug. The apple really does not fall far from the tree, does it?
“What?” my father boomed.
My mother looked panicked, “Is that true, Aria?”
“Thank you, Luke,” I groaned, peering over my mother’s shoulder and into my brother’s dead heart. “It’s nice to know that you have my back.”
“They needed to know,” he said, his voice laced with a guilt that consumed me with anger.
“Aria, you can’t,” my mother pleaded quietly. “You’re not seriously getting married to that…boy.”
My eyes snapped to her, focusing all of my rage onto the speck of brown in her otherwise blue eyes, “I can and I am.”
I spun the ring around, flashing it at her quickly like it would make some sort of difference. She covered her lips with her hands. My father was on his feet.
“Before either of you lecture me,” I hissed. “I’m really not the child you should be worrying about. That shit back there was going to abandon Grace and the baby up until…I don’t know when. A week ago, though, that was the plan.”
Fire with fire. It was, admittedly, not my classiest move.
“Aria,” my mother gasped. “Why would you say something so ugly?”
Luke smiled. That son of a bitch smiled.
“She’s just jealous that Lucas has found someone respectful to spend his life with,” my father spoke calmly but loudly. “And when she finds someone of similar upstanding, she’ll receive our congratulations as well.”
My mother, like a robot, nodded her damn head.
The whole thing made me sick.
“You are all disgusting,” I managed through the rupturing in my throat.
I made a clean break for the door, managing to make it over the threshold before bursting into tears. I’d expected a disaster; but I hadn’t expected to lose my brother in one fell swoop.
Unfortunately for me, he followed me. I made it to the car before Luke’s thick fingers wrapped around my shoulder.
Without thinking, I ran my open palm across his cheek. The snap broke the evening air in half.
“Aria,” he seethed.
“How dare you,” I growled lowly. “I trusted you.”
“Aria,” he said again.
“No!” I screamed because I had to. “No! Don’t you Aria me! I only came here because I thought you needed me. I thought you needed someone that understood. That’s obviously not what this was about.”
Luke opened his mouth to object but I just screamed louder.
“How long have you been engaged, Luke? When did you propose? The day you told me you wanted out? The day after?”
His eyes fell to the perfectly manicured lawn.
“You’re a vile human being,” I spit.
He clenched his jaw, “I’m doing the right thing! You said it yourself!”
“I’m not—” I cut myself off to lower my tone, and my heart rate. “I’m not pissed that you’ve decided to be a decent human being. I’m pissed that you threw me under the fucking bus.”
“I thought if you could see…” he trailed off. “I thought maybe you’d understand you’re making a mistake.”
The air escaped my lungs.
“You aren’t cut out for that life, Aria,” he told me. “Jimmy is a junkie. He’s never going to be able to take care of you like you need. He’ll die before he’s thirty if he keeps it up.”
“Shut up, Luke,” I warned. “Shut the fuck up.”
“You deserve someone better,” he insisted. “You don’t love him. Not really. This is just a phase. Don’t you want to marry someone that your parents are happy about?”
I blinked at him, “I’m sorry…Did you get engaged just to rub my nose in it?”
“Of course not,” he groaned.
“You know,” I sighed, feeling the tears welling up all over again. “It doesn’t even matter. I don’t want to hear it. You’re fucked.”
“I’m not—”
“You’re fucked, “I affirmed once more, rounding the front of Jimmy’s car and pulling the door open. “Enjoy your life, Lucas. I hope it all works out well for you and the monster twins inside. I hope Grace realizes what a total waste of flesh you are before she ties herself to you forever.”
Luke flinched.
“Lose my number,” I instructed him coldly. “And don’t ever contact me again.”
As I drove away, tears streaming from my face, I let myself wallow in what was. What had been. What I’d given up.
And then I took a deep breath, straightened out my spine, and I let it the fuck go.

Notes

Another one bites the dust.

Can we bring Mark back though?

xx