Just Before You Go

I dragged Jimmy by the wrist into the bus and securely locked the door. He was looking so perfect and pleased with himself that I found myself in a daze. It was like walking through a dream; surreal and entirely adrenaline fueled. But I knew I couldn't let my girlish emotions flood my responsibilities to the rational. I had too many questions stopping me from flying off the excitement handle and screaming a resounding 'yes' to the skies.
Jimmy was grinning from ear to ear, clearly caught up in whatever newest scheme he'd hatched for himself. And for me, by extension.
"Come on, Bleedy," Jimmy said affectionately, pulling me to the sink like he'd been the one insisting we move our conversation indoors.
I let him run the water over my grated palms, wincing as it cleansed my wounds.
"Leave your hand there," he told me sternly as he disappeared into the bathroom.
While I waited, watching the water turn from clear to pink, I ran over Jimmy's ever casual proposal in mind...about a thousand times. The biggest piece of me was swooning like you wouldn't believe. Somehow he'd managed to catch me entirely off guard--and that should have made it more special. But that tiny, annoyingly present part of me was screaming with concern and conspiracies. Why now? Why ever?
Jimmy returned quickly, sporting his glasses this time, and waving a silver pair of tweezers around like he'd found the holy grail. He led me to the table where he sat across from me and flopped my hands over like dead fish. And then he got to work. Dr. Sullivan was open for business apparently.
As he picked tiny pebbles from my flesh, I tried not to vomit. After all the things I'd seen, you'd think I would have grown out of my squeamish nature. But no. As the blood pooled and Jimmy picked, I wanted to die.
So, naturally, I moved into my worries.
"We should talk about your little..." I trailed off, wracking my brain for a polite way of wording his ambush.
He grinned, glancing up from his work quickly, "Proposal."
"Right..." I nodded slowly. "Proposal..."
"Should we buy you a dictionary?" he grinned cheekily. "I thought you were smart."
"What I am is confused," I rebutted flatly.
He plunked a tiny pebble onto the table with great, ambient pride. I couldn't help the smile that escaped me, despite the anxiety building towers in my chest.
"Why are you confused?" he asked so smoothly that for a second I wasn't even sure. "I thought you wanted to get married."
I picked my words carefully, perusing the selection before making a cautious choice, "I never said that...Explicitly."
"It was heavily implied," Jimmy replied happily.
"Is that why you're asking?" I thought aloud. "Because you think it's what I want?"
A screeching nerve sounded from my hand. I winced loudly, pulling my palm away instinctively. Jimmy held it in place, pinning my wrist against the off-white surface. He frowned sympathetically.
"Sorry," he grumbled, immediately digging back into my stone-threaded skin.
I moved passed it, deciding that it was probably best to wade through the pain now, rather than letting my skin heal over the dirt. But I was not pleased about it.
"Are you going to answer my question?" I asked him, trying to read his face for any sort of security.
He shrugged, "Nah."
"Nah?" I repeated blankly. "What do you mean, nah?"
"As in no," he laughed, shaking his head at me playfully. "Seriously, Aria. A dictionary. Look forward to one for Christmas."
I groaned wildly, tilting my head as far back as it would go.
He caved, pulling another piece of concrete from my body, "That's not why I asked."
"Then why?" I pushed, desperate for some sort of clarity.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. It hadn't been long at all since he'd declared that he would never marry. It had been such a declaration that our relationship had practically imploded because of it. Maybe not strictly because of it....but it certainly played a rather significant role. It was up for an Oscar for best supporting role in a drama.
But now what? We were finally on the mend from the wreckage we'd sorted for ourselves and suddenly he was a changed man? Paint me suspicious.
"I don't think most people get asked why when they propose," Jimmy sighed. "I think they usually just get a response."
I pursed my lips, "I can't give you a response, Jim. Not until I understand your motive."
"Oh my fuck," he grumbled with a faint smile. "This isn't a courtroom drama, Aria."
"You said you never wanted to get married," I stated factually.
He shrugged his lanky shoulders, "I changed my mind."
"Overnight?" I mused, totally in denial of his newfound insight.
He furrowed his brows, biting his tongue, "No."
"Is this about Tyler?" I asked slowly, almost afraid to voice that very pressingly real concern.
Jimmy straightened out, pulling his hands back to his edge of the table. I wasn't sure if I should take back my own hands or not...so I left them there. It was a strange pose without Jimmy's half of it. The visual was not lost on me.
"What if it is?" he dared me.
That was not the response I wanted. It was the response I'd expected...but that expectation really did not soften the blow. Leave it to Tyler to take something good in my life and morph it into something malicious. Even if it was in the most abstract way. But still...Fuck Tyler!
"That isn't a good reason to propose to someone, Jimmy..." I tried to hide my sincere disappointment.
He tilted his head like an owl, "I didn't say it was my reason...I asked you what if it was. Duh."
"Don't mess with me, Sullivan," I warned him seriously. "I'm tired, my hands hurt, and you're really throwing me for a loop here. I don't know what to make of it."
"What to make of it," he repeated with a devious grin. "You're hilarious."
I didn't feel particularly comical.
He resumed picking stones from my hands, and I was left where I started. I tried to distract my thoughts...but how could I possibly think of anything else? He'd offered marriage to the table and I'd left it there for the wolves.
I guess my problem was that I didn't know if it was real.
"Jimmy," I spoke. "Are you being serious?"
"Marriage is serious, I've heard," he replied without looking at me.
Another sharp pain to my poor palm. He sat back triumphantly, declaring his work was complete.
He disappeared again briefly to grab gauze from the first aid kit tucked beneath the tiny bathroom sink. He wrapped my hands tightly. I caught myself watching the way my name clung to his skin as his hands moved around mine. That was serious, wasn't it? He'd tattooed himself with...me. Maybe I was being too cynical.
But he said he didn't want this.
I was so far passed confused that it was a hazy line on the horizon.
"Why did you suggest getting married?" I asked sternly. "Tell me the truth."
"Oh my fucking god, Aria," he laughed oddly. "What do you want from me? Do you want me to get on a fucking knee and ask you? I'll do it if you want. I think it's fucking dumb and I really don't get it, but if that's what you want..."
"No," I rushed nervously. "I...I want to understand why you're even asking me, Jim. You said--"
"I know what I said," he interjected impatiently. "Are you saying no then?"
The desperation in his voice caught me entirely off guard. His eyes were shielded in embarrassment...and it was then that I thought he might be serious. My heart rate shot through the damn roof.
"I honestly didn't think you were seriously asking," I told Jimmy weakly.
He sighed, tying off the ends of the gauze and holding my hands in his. He looked down at our laced fingers as he cleared his throat in preparation for honesty.
"It's important to you," he said quietly at first. "And...I mean, it still isn't super important to me. Which I know isn't romantic and shit, but I'm not going to lie to you."
I opened my mouth to voice more concerns but he pushed a bony finger to my lips to stop me.
"Here's the crazy thing, though," he continued, daring to meet my gaze. "I keep catching myself thinking about it. All the fucking time. You'll do something bat shit crazy and I'll find myself totally caught up in your insanity...You say something cute as hell and I'm envisioning you in white. It's really fucking weird and it's sort of scary...But it's cool, Aria. It's cool. So...I guess that means I've changed my mind or some shit. I don't know. Is it crazy? Does that even matter?"
This was the most unromantic speech I'd ever heard. And yet, somehow, I was absolutely drooling over the man sputtering and lisping through his thoughts. He was adorable when he was nervous. There were very few moments in our life that I'd seen Jimmy nearly speechless--this was one of them. He was struggling.
"Here's the deal," he said more definitively. "I want to marry you. I think you'd make a pretty awesome wife. And I'm not a total idiot, I realize we've had some problems. But I just don't fucking care. I'm better when I'm with you...I like who I am when I'm with you."
"Me too," I said quietly from inside my panicky dream.
"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone," he almost smiled. "I think I can make you happy...I'd really like to try. You are my best friend, Aria. I just...shit, I just love you."
A silence fell between us as I processed his lament. His hands were shaking beneath mine and his lip was quivering ever so slightly. Nerves can tell you a whole lot about a person's honesty. Jimmy was straight terrified--it was deeply, deeply satisfying.
He shifted his weight slightly, swimming through the tension, "That's all I've got...So..."
I felt a smile creep over my face, "So, let's get married."
He lightened up in an instant, the natural gleam returning to his crystal blues, "Yeah?"
I nodded furiously, "Yeah."
"Oh, fuck yeah!" Jimmy shrieked, snatching me from my insecurities and into his tattooed arms.
Our faces awkwardly meshed as we tried to exist in the adrenaline. My knees were weak. I couldn't stand.
I fumbled to hang my hands from Jimmy's shaking shoulders. We were so fucking spastic in that moment. It only made us that much more elated.
"We gotta go to tell everyone!" Jimmy insisted happily, his grip on me tight and permanent.
I followed him to the door and as we flung it open, a pile of bodies flew to the ground. Busted.
Zach, Johnny, and Matt groaned, rolling around the pavement in a state of disarray. Jimmy stepped over them like they were insignificant casualties. I was more respective, at least using the tips of my toes as I carefully passed over their grumbling bodies.
Brian was lounging in a chair, a cigarette dangling from his lips. When his brown eyes met mine, he looked like he was already privy to the news Jimmy was about to excitedly screech into the night.
Luke gave me a questioning look. I could only smile as Jimmy raised our intertwined hands into the night sky and shouted,
"We're getting fucking hitched, motherfuckers!"
Classic Jimmy.
As everyone climbed over one another to tackle us into a group hug, I still wasn't sure it was real.

Notes

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