Just Before You Go

I’d slipped away from Tyler’s room under the guise of friendly loyalty. It seemed cold and a little cruel to simply abandon Tyler before he’d returned from his outing with Blair. He hadn’t technically done anything wrong…you know, aside from choosing me as his romantic target.
To: Tyler
Hey…Brian and his girlfriend broke up. He’s in pretty rough shape. I’m probably just going to hang with him tonight—so, don’t wait up!
While I was with Brian…we certainly weren’t alone. Brian was snoozing away his evening drunk while Jimmy and I played cards on the opposite bed and got into the nitty gritty of our relationship. Since Brian was fast asleep, we’d agreed that if anyone spoke loudly enough to wake him, they would suffer the wrath. No one had actually stipulated just what that wrath was, but I was nervous enough not to call its bluff.
“3?” Jimmy asked hopefully.
“Nuh-uh,” I grinned like a child. “Go fish, motherfucker!”
Jimmy pouted, reluctantly pulling a card from the pile and adding it to his mammoth collection. I caught myself admiring him, almost like nothing had happened. Almost like we’d never fought and we’d never shown off our skeletons. It was almost easy to forget how terrible things had gotten…almost easy. How fitting.
“Do you like him?” Jimmy asked cautiously, scoping me out from behind his cards.
“Queens?” I replied simply.
“Damn you,” Jimmy cursed, angrily shoving a card into my hand.
I almost laughed, “I don’t know. Kind of.”
Jimmy nodded his head subtly, pulling cards from his hands to rearrange them, “Sixes?”
“Go fish,” I grinned.
“This is witchcraft,” he declared in frustration. “I’m fucking sure of it.”
I cackled lightly, adoring the way Jimmy would lose at anything. I was sure he’d stick to his form and make a comeback right at the bitter end.
“Did you kiss Blair or did she kiss you?” I asked because I needed to know and not because I wanted to hear it.
Jimmy took a big boy breath, “I kissed her.”
He daringly glanced up at me to gage my reaction.
“Fours,” I said simply.
He shook his head with a nasty grin spreading across his face like small pox, “Go fucking fish!”
I grabbed a card from the center pile, shaking my head playfully at Jimmy’s unfounded excitement. He was losing dreadfully, but I guess he was all about the small victories.
“Did you sleep with Tyler?” Jimmy asked slowly, that little lisp clinging to his consonants.
I felt my heart skip a beat, “Yes.”
“Mm…3.”
“If I didn’t have a 3 last time you asked, why would I have one—oh, wait,” I handed him the card I’d literally just picked up.
“Witchcraft,” Jimmy smirked, snatching the card from my hand.
I studied the way his eyes would move when he was actively trying to focus. They were tucked neatly away behind his thick rimmed glasses, that would slide down his nose every so often. He’d absently push them back up, only for them to slide down once more. It was adorable and he had no idea.
Then his gaze moved onto me and I froze. He still got through to me, bursting through the trauma and grabbing hold of the heart that had always belonged to him.
“Do you like Blair?” I asked slowly. “Like her?”
Jimmy smiled a little, showing off that slightly crooked grin, “No.”
“Are you sure? Because I just think—”
“Hey,” he interrupted happily, shaking his cards at me. “Don’t throw off the groove, man.”
I rolled my eyes, “Five.”
“Damn you,” he grunted, handing over two cards promptly. “And yeah, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” I decided to relent my jealous grip.
He studied his cards and then me, “Aces…”
“Fuck you, Sullivan,” I sneered, tossing him all four.
Jimmy grabbed them happily, looking quite pleased and proud of himself.
“Do you want to be with Tyler?” he asked me then.
I ran that scenario over in my head. What did that life look like? Tyler was certainly calmer than Jimmy…he was more understanding, less stubborn. Tyler was kind and gentle…Jimmy was kind but had a real dark side that would rear its ugly head once in a while. I supposed that Tyler had one, too. I just hadn’t been given the tour through his shadows.
Jimmy had always been open about it. I knew where he stood on most topics of life. I could anticipate the way his mind would operate itself in most situations. He wasn’t exactly a mystery to me. Tyler was still unscripted. He was fascinating.
But so was Jimmy.
Tyler was shiny and new. But I loved Jimmy. A genuine love that had consumed and nearly destroyed me. After that level of devotion, was it even possible to fall in love with someone else? Or would I always be longing for the slurred s sounds and the feel of metal on my cheek whenever I was kissed? Would I long for a screeching in the dead of night followed by absolute mischief?
Would I miss the excitement? The adventure? Was it worth it to give those things up in search for some stability? What was stability anyway?
Who says this life with Jimmy wasn’t its own form of stable.
“No,” I said finally and with certainty.
This seemed to please Jimmy. His spine straightened itself out a little and he towered over me even more than usual. I loved his height. I loved the way his spine curved so subtly and made him lanky and long.
“Did you only have sex with Blair the one time?” I asked lowly.
Jimmy shifted in his cross-legged position, “Last night or ever?”
“Last night,” I said coolly.
He looked guilty.
“Oh,” I accidentally blurted out.
“We were really drunk,” he explained quickly. “And really, really high…”
I looked at him to find him looking back at me expectantly. Nervously. It was then that I had a chance. I could shut down and let that tiny extra bit of information—and reality—rip me apart…Or I could decide that it meant nothing. That it changed nothing.
Maybe my grip on reality was finally being restored.
“Okay,” I nodded finally.
Jimmy sized me up suspiciously.
“Kings,” I said then.
He smiled quickly and then let it fade away. And then he told me to go fish.
“Are you going to break things off with Tyler?” he asked me casually.
I nodded.
“Do you want to be with me?” I asked bravely.
We’d established that he missed me. We’d established that I’d missed him. It was obvious that we’d both royally fucked up…and had made some terrible, terrible decisions. But we hadn’t exactly determined where we were headed…or what any of it meant.
He pulled his plump lips to one side, “Do you still want to get married?”
“I never said I did,” I retorted matter-of-factly.
“Fine,” he snickered. “I’ll rephrase for your highness. Do you want to get married?”
I shrugged lazily, “I’m not sure. I’m not sold either way.”
He seemed to accept that response. He stole my three sevens and triumphantly tossed his hands over his head in victory. Somehow he’d done it. He’d pulled a Jimmy and had come out on top right at the very end. I marveled at him.
“Are you still jealous of Blair?” he asked me, settling himself down as Brian stirred in the bed next to us.
I shook my head, “It’s out of your system, right? There’s nothing…romantic…there?”
“Nothing,” he assured me. “But…I’m not going to kick her out of my life either. She’s becoming one of my closest friends and I love her a lot…It’s totally innocent.”
With one forceful push, I shoved the Blair Peterson grip from my soul. God, it felt good.
“Then I’m over it,” I said with a sigh of relief.
“Are we going to do this?” he asked with a coy grin. “Really do this? I don’t want to fuck around anymore, Aria, but I also don’t want to spend my life fighting.”
I nodded in agreement.
“If we’re doing this,” he said slowly. “This is it, man. No takesies backsies.”
I laughed, shaking my head at him.
For the very first time in nearly a month, I knew exactly what I was doing.

Notes

I'm fixing it.

xx