Just Before You Go

I'd faked sick to get out of having to participate in life. Tyler didn't press it much. Instead, he happily agreed to trot off with Blair. I wondered if he knew what had happened the night before...Or if that was the reason for my sudden onset of the flu. I simply wasn't ready to face the word. Not after what I`d done. After what Jimmy had done...It was all too much.
I couldn't cope.
Blair was smart enough not to call our room. She didn't dare show her face around me...Not like I`d ever have the guts to hit it. Not like Brian. Brian was full of guts.
Tyler had been gone for a few hours when a tapping sounded at my door. I reluctantly, and sluggishly, forced myself to answer it. Peering through the hole in fear that it might by Jimmy, I was surprised.
"Hey," I said oddly.
An incredibly drunk Brian smiled, "Hey."
I opened the door wider to let him slip through. He absolutely wreaked of whiskey. It was enough to burn my nostrils.
"What's up?" I asked oddly, latching the door shut and joining Brian at the edge of my bed.
He shrugged, "I don't know."
"O...kay..." I half-laughed.
"Claire broke up with me," he told me with a drunken slur. "Said I'm an asshole. I guess she isn't wrong."
I smirked, "What tipped her off?"
He mulled the word around in his mouth sourly, "Blair."
"Ah," I nodded.
"I guess she didn't appreciate my storming off to deck Jimmy," Brian laughed, shaking his head at himself. "I'm a real piece of work, huh?"
I considered that carefully before sighing, "Aren't we all?"
"I'm honestly just shocked, man," Brian lamented. "I never thought in a million years Jimmy would go after Blair...Not like that."
"It's probably my fault," I frowned. "I pushed him...I pushed the idea..."
Brian disagreed promptly, "Jimmy doesn't do anything unless it's exactly what he wants."
"I guess..."
I knew it was my fault. Anyone looking on the situation would know it was my fault. I'd pushed and I'd pushed and then I'd pushed some more...The whole Tyler thing didn't help. That was a beast all on its own and I was hardly in the position to even start wrapping my head around that mess.
"Should we hook up or something?" Brian slurred at me. "Get even or whatever."
I snickered, "Is that what you want? Really?"
"No," he groaned loudly, a roar rupturing from his throat. "Fuck!"
"This whole situation is...messy," I breathed. "I'm sorry, Brian."
"For what?" he shrugged at me. "It's not your fault my best friend's a dick."
"And Blair?"
He narrowed his eyes at me, "What about her?"
"Is she blameless in this?" I asked him seriously. "It takes two to tango..."
He bit at his lip, "I mean...No, she isn't blameless...But what the fuck does she owe me? Nothing. I treated her like a doormat...Like a game."
"She treated you the same," I noted.
"Yeah but..." he trailed off into an aggravated groan. "Jimmy fucking knew better, you know? He knows how I feel about her...He knew that would fuckin' wreck me. And he did it anyway."
I couldn't exactly fault him for that...I'd done the same thing to him. I wasn't sure how much to say to Brian without totally ratting myself out. Maybe it was better he heard it from me. I think our group had enough lying for the next forever...
"I did something," I confessed slowly. "And I think it's the reason this all happened..."
He eyed me curiously, "What did you do?"
"Promise you won't hate me?"
He scoffed, "Absolutely fucking not. What did you do?"
I hesitated.
"Aria," he pressed with a smirk.
With a loud sigh, I said, "I kissed Tyler...And Jimmy saw..."
"Ah," he laughed. "That'd do it. Yep."
"It's just a bunch of bullshit," I growled. "You know? Jimmy's the one that broke up with me. He's the one that didn't want this...But when I pull away, he can't handle it. What the fuck is that?"
"That, sweet Aria," Brian smiled. "is Jimmy."
"Well Jimmy is bullshit," I decided aloud.
He nodded, "At this moment, I'm in agreement."
"I'm a terrible person," I frowned. "I'm no better than he is...Or Blair...I'm worse than the both of them."
Brian ruminated on this for a few minutes. The silence gnawed at me like a rat. It was painful. But I reminded myself that any pain endured was pain self-inflicted. I had it coming.
"Okay," he finally said. "I'm fucking pissed...But...Maybe, I don't know...Maybe there's more to this shit than we think, you know? Maybe we're jumping the gun here."
"How's that?" I almost laughed.
He shrugged lazily, "I'm drunk and definitely stupid...But...We spend all this time pushing people away, and then when they remove themselves we act all shocked and shit. I've been pushing and pulling at Blair since I met her...It's not a coincidence that I tell her I don't want her and she runs off and fucks my best friend. It's calculated but not coincidental."
"You think it was retaliation?" I asked slowly.
He nodded, "Fuck, probably. That's right up Jimmy's alley. I honestly expected better of him but...I mean...look at her, you know? Who could resist her?"
Brian's hurt was deep. Like me, he was mostly to blame. We were bringing self-pity to a whole new level.
"I don't know if that makes it okay," I replied quietly.
He shook his head, "It absolutely doesn't. It just makes it make sense."
"I don't know where to go from here," I told him. "I'm so fucking confused."
"You want to date Tyler?" Brian asked me seriously. "Is that the next great love of your life?"
I shook my head, resistant to say the words out loud, "I...still love Jimmy."
"I know," he smirked. "You have a really fucked up way of showing it."
"You're one to talk," I teased.
He laughed loudly, "Yeah, no doubt."
"So...You don't hate me?" I asked, hopeful at the tinge of relief that had washed through me.
He shook his head, resting a hand on my knee, "Nah. You're fucked up...Just makes you like us, I guess."
There was very little comfort in that. But Brian had somehow made me feel at least a little better. I wasn't totally convinced that I deserved to feel better...But it was a start. I had to start somewhere. I couldn't stay wrapped up in this misery forever--even if I'd brought it on myself.
"I'm sorry about Claire," I said sympathetically.
He shrugged, "She was just in the way, realistically. I've been stupid. I'm smartening up now...Lesson fuckin' learned. I'm going to take back what's mine."
"You...You still want Blair?" I asked , genuinely shocked.
He smiled widely, "I fuckin' dig her, man. It makes no sense...But she's just like me, you know? She's shitty and she's real and she's....I'm going to love her one day. I know it. I've put it off long enough...I've pushed her far enough."
A week ago, I would have been thrilled to hear it. Hell, a day ago I would have been thrilled. Now I was just amazed. That was a level of forgiveness I couldn't even imagine mastering. No, not forgiveness.
Acceptance.
Flaws and all.
Before I could verbalize my bewilderment, a knock sounded clear and concisely at my door. I looked at Brian who just shrugged. Like he'd know who was at my door.
I pulled it open without a second thought, feeling confident with Brian at my back.
But I wasn't ready for the burdened face on the other side.
"Hey," Jimmy said lowly.
"H-Hi," I stammered.
"Can we talk?" he asked me.
Brian perked up at the sound of Jimmy's voice. He was on his feet in an instant. I held my breath, anxious that another brawl might break out. I didn't really want to see Jimmy hit twice in one day.
"Hey, man," Jimmy said sadly.
Brian took a deep breath...and let it go.
He walked by Jim with a pat on the shoulder and a lazy wink. The door shut behind him and left Jimmy and I alone with our wreckage.
"I thought about running away," Jimmy said quickly. "I was going to catch a bus and go to Indiana. I don't know what's in Indiana but I'm crafty and I could get a job as a cook or some shit. I could be happy flipping burgers if I had to. Sure, the pay isn't great but--"
"Jimmy," I almost laughed out of habit.
His face fell, "I miss you."
I didn't know how to react.
"I'm many, many things, Aria," he said plainly, completely vulnerable for the first time since I'd met him. "But mostly I'm just sorry."
"Me too," I choked.
"What the fuck are we doing?" he asked seriously.
I bit at my pain, "We're...fucking up."
He nodded grimly, "You...You really fucking hurt me. I guess I didn't really realize how messed up I've been until I saw you kissing someone else...I panicked."
I stared at him.
"I needed to hurt you," he told me ashamedly. "I needed you to feel what I felt...So...I got white girl wasted...I don't even know how it happened."
"Please don't give me the details," I cringed. "I can't..."
He shook his head, "I need to explain something to you. Last night was...I want to say mistake but that just isn't the right word."
I rolled my eyes, "Good start, Jimmy."
"It needed to happen," he explained. "Because if it didn't, you'd always worry that it would. And because it did, Blair and I are one hundred percent sure we'll never be anything but friends."
I eyed him suspiciously.
"We think it's funny," he smirked. "We woke up this morning and were just fuckin' howling about it. Obviously it's not funny for you...or for Bri...But that was it, Aria. It's out of my system."
Was that...was that relief?
"Maybe you were right all along," he shrugged. "Who knows. I think I was too quick to give you shit about it. But it's done now...And I'm sorry it happened...and I'm sorry that you were hurt...even if that's what I wanted at the time."
I nodded.
"I just wanted to explain myself to you," he tried to smile. "Because I love you. Because you deserve it. If you want to be with Tyler, I'm not going to stop you. I haven't loved you right...And if he can...Fuck, I just want you to be happy."
I was welling up now, fighting back the tears and shaking my head vigorously, "I'm not happy."
He reflected my sorrow.
"I miss you," I broke.
He took me into his arms and for a while, nothing else mattered.

Notes

Forgive me now?
Or...starting to, anyway?

xx