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Just Before You Go

Chapter Seventy-Six: When It's Worth Nothing and Everything

The room was quiet by time day broke. The morning sun was so beautiful that I almost thought I’d dreamt what had happened the night before. But when Tyler moved beneath me, I was painfully aware that I’d done something terrible.
And that Jimmy had, too.
“Oh my god,” I grumbled in a panic, throwing my hands over my mouth as I jolted from the bed and sprinted to the bathroom.
There, I unleashed everything I’d ever ingested into my body. Tyler’s hands on my body, the sounds of Jimmy deep within someone that was not me. More vomit. It was violent as hell, which only served me right for the damage I’d caused. Why was I so damn self-destructive? What did I think was going to happen, the way I was constantly pushing him onto her?
But to actually live through it…and hear it, to boot. Oh god.
More vomit.
“Aria?” Tyler’s voice sounded through the door with a sheepish knocking. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I managed before hurling my spirit into the toilet bowl.
“You sound it,” he laughed lightly. “Do you need anything?”
I took a deep breath, pushing my back against the sink as I tried my best not to cry. If I’d thought we couldn’t bridge the gap before…He’d actually done it. He’d actually crossed the Blair line that I’d been so psychotic about.
But I’d crossed my own line…I felt like a sack of shit.
“Okay, get up,” I instructed myself sternly.
There would be enough time to wallow for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, that time was not now. I splashed some water over my face and rinsed the humiliation from my mouth. And then I emerged.
Tyler was in the midst of getting dressed—and the sight made me both weak with infatuation and weak with regret. I was a mess.
“Morning,” he smiled, pulling his shirt over his head. “Not feeling so hot or what?”
I wasn’t really sure how much to divulge.
So I divulged nothing, “I’ll be alright.”
“Are you hungry?” he asked me coolly. “I was thinking of taking advantage of the hotel life and heading downstairs for some breakfast.”
I wanted to hide out in my room for the next eternity. I couldn’t face Jimmy—not after what he’d done. Not after what I’d done. How could I ever look at him again?
But the only way out was through. If I wanted to survive this mess, and reassure myself that it hadn’t been for nothing, I couldn’t just bail on Tyler. He hadn’t done anything to warrant my dismissal, other than not being James Sullivan. No one could fault him for that, though. There was only one of those.
And he’d spent his night with Blair Peterson.
I shuddered at the thought; trying desperately to keep my organs intact. I forced myself to smile at Tyler, accepting his offer. I changed quickly and fixed my face before following Tyler out into the hall.
Brian and Claire could be heard—but not seen. Tyler and I both glanced around in confusion, searching for the source of the disruption.
“Fuck you, Brian!” Claire’s voice shrieked.
“What is this, the hotel for emotional drama?” Tyler joked.
I nodded grimly, “It’s where relationships come to die.”
“Or forge,” Tyler added hopefully, swinging an arm across my shoulders and planting a lazy kiss on my cheek.
I hated that his touch now made me sick. This was guilt, I was sure of it. But Jimmy had gone ahead and moved on with his life last night—so why was I so guilty? Fuck that. I’d given Jimmy ample opportunity to come back to me. I’d stayed on the damn tour in hopes Jimmy might reconsider our ill fate.
He hadn’t. And now I was going to make peace with the things I’d done.
“Come on,” I urged Tyler, pulling at his waist.
I’d had enough drama for one lifetime. I wasn’t interested in listening to Brian’s relationship implode. We sauntered downstairs to find food. To my glee, we were seated right away. We ordered and then fell into coffee-sipping silence.
My mind was somewhere else. Mostly in Jimmy’s hotel room, trying to piece together what had happened. Not what but how
“What’re you getting up to today?” Tyler asked me.
I missed it, “What?”
He laughed lightly, “What are you doing today?”
“Oh…I don’t know.”
“We should go sight-seeing,” he suggested. “Get out of here for a while…away from everyone and the drama.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Maybe…I’m not feeling so great…Can we wait until I’ve eaten to make a decision?”
He smiled, “Sure. I can always just head out with Blair if you’re not feeling up to it.”
Blair. Her perfect and flawless face plagued me like a nightmare. I felt the nausea brewing once more. I gulped at my coffee in an attempt to suffocate it.
“Morning,” Claire’s voice caught me off guard.
“Morning,” Tyler greeted her.
He was less chummy once he looked up to find Brian in his presence.
“Can we join you?” Claire asked politely.
I nodded. I was so distracted that I forgot all about the shit that had gone down between the men last night. Their problems seemed so juvenile given what had happened one door down.
They pulled up their seats, Brian choosing the chair next to me. You could hardly tell they’d been fighting, other than the tension that had followed them in like a breeze in the fall.
Our server eventually appeared to bring more coffee for our new guests and promptly scribbled their order down. Once she’d disappeared, there was nothing to do but sit. Awkwardly.
Brian cleared his throat subtly, “Uh…hey, Tyler…I just, uh…”
Tyler looked at Brian strangely.
“I’m sorry for how I acted last night,” Brian said firmly. “I was way out of line…It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been acting like a total dick to you…I apologize, man. It’s nothing personal.”
“Sure it is,” Tyler retorted with a shrug. “But now’s not really the time to get into that, is it?”
Brian bit at his rage, relenting to just a tense nod. Claire looked about as chipper as I felt. She stirred at her cup of coffee absently, as if trying to remove herself from her life too. We were both hurting and both unable to really admit what it meant. Admitting it would mean admitting that things had come to an end…And very few people in life were ever strong enough to do that.
“So…What’re your plans for today?” Claire asked us curiously.
“I’m sick,” I decided aloud.
Brian smirked, “I was going to mention the smell…”
“Shut up,” I laughed, forgetting entirely that I’d been mad as hell at him the night before.
Brian had been a really good friend to be in the midst of all the Jimmy nonsense. I was glad that he didn’t know about Tyler and I yet…and I was so hesitant to fill him in. I wanted Brian to like me—I was sure he wouldn’t once he found out.
It wasn’t like I wanted to give up on Jimmy. I didn’t want to abandon all hope…But the grief and the stress was doing terrible things to my psyche. I was nothing but a shadow of the girl from Minnesota I’d been when I arrived in Huntington Beach. Jimmy had changed me…I had changed me. I didn’t like this new person.
I hated this person.
This person wasn’t worthy of Jimmy. Jimmy didn’t deserve this person.
But neither did Tyler…I was so confused. What the fuck was I doing?
There was little point stewing over Jimmy now…He’d gone ahead and done something terrible, too. I figured he was doing what I was doing; letting destruction reign. Maybe I’d hit a nerve in his heart and he’d realized I was right. Maybe we really just did not belong together.
Or maybe I was right all along and he really was in love with Blair Peterson.
“Fuck,” I grumbled to myself.
“Sorry?” Claire asked confusedly.
I looked up to find everyone staring at me strangely. I smiled awkwardly.
“Nothing,” I lied. “Sorry.”
Soon enough, food was being placed before us. The guys dug in right away. Claire and I merely pushed our food around. I was definitely right about her—she was deep in a hole, too.
I wondered if Brian had told her the truth. Was that the fight? Or was he still denying it? Was she playing dumb? I had so many questions.
I was mostly curious about whether or not this was what forgiveness looked like. If it was, she was graceful as hell. She hardly flinched at all at the sound of Brian’s voice and she only scowled a little at the sight of him. That was more than I’d offered Jimmy in many, many moons. Pain was funny that way.
Could I forgive Jimmy? Could he forgive me? Did it matter?
My stomach plagued me.
“So,” Brian piped up. “how was your night last night, Aria?”
The way he said it was cheeky and knowing. My heart tinged at my chest in fear. But he didn’t seem angry…Wait, what?
“What?”
He smirked, washing his deviousness down with a sip of coffee, “My room is next to Jimmy’s, you know.”
Oh my god.
“I…” I faltered.
Claire smiled sympathetically. Lord, she thought I was embarrassed.
I didn’t know how to tell Brian…I didn’t know what to say. Tyler’s head was tilted curiously, unsure what Brian was getting at. I didn’t want to hurt Brian. I didn’t want to tell the truth.
But if I lied, I’d hurt Tyler…and mislead Brian.
Brian was looking at me expectantly…playfully. I was so sad for him.
“I wasn’t in Jimmy’s room last night…” I said lowly, giving Brian an empathetic but telling look.
His face contorted with confusion, “What? Sure, you were. I’m positive I heard—”
Realization.
Curiosity.
Confusion.
He was working through it, “Who…”
My eyes fell.
“No,” he choked.
I dared to look at him. He broke. Something behind his deep, dark eyes snapped. He slammed his fists to the table.
Claire and Tyler exchanged worried glances. I was in the know. I was in the pain.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he grumbled angrily, immediately shoving himself from his chair.
“Brian!” I shrieked, moving quickly to follow him.
The other two were far passed confused.
“I’m sorry,” I rushed. “We’ll…I’ll…I’m sorry.”
I chased Brian out of the restaurant and through the lobby. He was on a mission. His fists were clenched. He technically had no real reason to be this upset—he’d sent Blair away. He’d told her he didn’t want her. He’d moved on and found himself a girlfriend. He’d brought her along and paraded her around Blair. But that was his Blair. And I guess he decided now was the time to fight for her.
Too little, too late, Bri…
“Brian,” I tried again but he still wasn’t having it. “Brian!”
“What?” he finally snapped, whipping around to face me.
“What are you going to do?” I asked breathily.
He raised his eyebrows, “I’m going to fucking murder my best friend.”
“Brian,” I sighed.
“What?” he asked again angrily. “Aria, just let me go.”
“She isn’t your girlfriend,” I told him seriously. “Why are you so angry? Your girlfriend is back at the restaurant…Is it worth throwing that away?”
Just because one of us was shit at love didn’t mean the other had to suffer the same fate. Brian’s face shifted slightly, almost softer.
“Is Blair worth giving up my girlfriend for?” he asked me flatly.
“And Jimmy,” I added gravely.
He snarled a little, not answering at first.
“I get it,” I told him sadly. “I’m hurt too…But…They’re technically not with anyone, right? They didn’t do anything wrong…”
“If you believe that,” Brian said lowly. “then you don’t love Jimmy at all.”
I was astounded by his statement.
I was trying to be sensible.
Brian took off again, abandoning the elevators and opting for the stairs. I chased him.
As we reached the top, Brian huffing for air—smoker problems—Brian turned to me quickly. He took a deep breath.
“For the record,” he said quickly. “Blair’s worth giving up everything.”
I hoped then, for his sake, that Jimmy didn’t agree.
Brian tore down the hall and pounded on Jimmy’s door. I laid back ever so slightly, but not enough that I couldn’t be accused of being nosy. He pounded and pounded until finally it opened up—Jimmy’s face fell at the sight of Brian’s rage.
Brian didn’t waste time with questions or accusations. Instead, Brian sent one perfectly aimed fist flying. Jimmy made no moves to stop him—no moves to retaliate. He let his hand find the blood beneath his nose but said nothing else.
Brian shook his head at his best friend, looking wounded for causing him pain, “Fuck you, Jim.”
Jimmy regained his height, staring down at his heart-aching friend, “Dude…I’m sorry.”
Blair peered around the corner curiously. Her face fell to shock when her eyes fell on Brian—and on me. Her skin ran white.
Jimmy’s gaze moved above Brian’s shoulder to me. I knew right away that he felt just as bad as I did. I could read it off of him like a children’s picture book. Maybe all was not lost.
“Fuck you both,” Brian spit. “You fucking deserve each other.”
Brian grabbed my arm and dragged me down the hall. When I heard Jimmy’s door shut, I knew that it was all real.
I just wished I didn’t know.

Notes

FORGIVEME.

Have some faith. It's a Jimmy story, I promise.

But I like to reign terror down on aaaaall the characters.

I promise it'll get better soon.

Hang tight.

And forgive me.

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@kiss my sas
I'm sorry!!!! Didn't mean to kick you while you're down, I swear!!

fyction fyction
5/14/19

I'm so proud of you for finishing this masterpiece, but I am SO SAD!!!
WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN AND UPSETTING THE SICK AUSSIE?!??!?!
WHAT IS LIFE??!???!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

IT IS NOT OVER!!!
I REFUSE TO ADMIT IT IS OVER!!!!!!
PLAGUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

Holy shit, holy shit, I am not prepared!!!!
Going to read the... last... chapter now...

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19