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Just Before You Go

Chapter Seventy-Five: Beyond the Reach of Everyone

“Ahem,” a voice clear snapped Tyler and I apart, like two kids caught behind the school.
Jimmy looked so small as my guilty eyes made their way over to him. His eyes were broken and his face grim. I think I died right then and there. Everything I’d been accusing him of…fearing he might do…I’d just done them. In front of him, to boot. I felt like the world’s scummiest human.
“Sorry to break this up,” he finally spoke. “But you’re blocking the elevator.”
In expert timing, the door dinged as it opened. Tyler stepped inside, frowning a sympathetic ‘sorry’ before bailing on Jimmy and I. I couldn’t blame him. This wasn’t exactly his mess—and it was one that would need to be swept up.
“I’m so sorry,” was all I could think to say.
He shook his head with a subtle shrug, “For what?”
I was totally put off by his aloofness. He should have yelled. He should have pummeled Tyler into the floor. But instead he was…what?
“That wasn’t really what it looked like,” I said weakly.
“It looked like you were kissing Tyler,” he said flatly. “Were you not?”
I shuffled my weight from foot to foot, “Well, yeah…But…”
“Then it’s what it looked like,” he shrugged, pushing passed me and pressing his long finger against the button.
He shook in my place waiting for the elevator to come back down. I didn’t know what to do.
“We’re friends,” I said dumbly.
Jimmy’s eyebrows fell as he slowly turned to look at me. He looked like I’d just slapped him across his sweet face.
“Aria,” he said but then stopped.
I was waiting.
But he didn’t say anything further. Instead, once the elevator had returned, he stepped inside. He looked at me like I was pathetic as the doors pulled shut.
I stood there, alone and totally unsure what to do. That couldn’t be it. That couldn’t be all that Jimmy was willing to offer given what he’d just seen. Did he really not care? I think that was worse than him flying off the handle…at least then I’d know he still wanted me. Maybe that was it. Maybe he didn’t want me.
I abandoned my anxiety and sprinted up the stairs. It was moments like those that I was glad I’d never taken up smoking. As I burst through the door, I was just in time to catch Jimmy making his way down the hall.
“Jimmy!” I called, struggling to catch my breath as I ran after him. “Wait!”
He didn’t wait.
I pushed myself to run faster, be better. When I finally caught him and reached out to grab his attention, he snapped away from me.
“Don’t you fucking touch me,” he growled.
There it was. Thank god.
Oh, wait.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, more pleadingly this time. “I’m confused and I’m hurting and—”
“Honestly, Aria,” he cut me off impatiently. “I don’t care. Why don’t you go say all of this to Tyler?”
He reached into his pocket for his room key, fumbling with it as his hands shook.
“Jimmy,” I pressed.
He swiped the card and pushed the door open. I think he’d intended for it to slam in my face but I darted in the room before it had a chance. He groaned when he caught sight of me lingering in his room.
“We need to talk about this,” I told him.
“Why? To make yourself feel better?”
I stood my ground, “You said we were friends. This is what friends do.”
“I didn’t know we were those kinds of friends,” he retorted.
“What would you rather? We be the friends that kiss randomly?” I asked him pointedly. “Because if that’s true, then I don’t see the problem here.”
His eyes narrowed on me as I lamely excused my behavior. I shouldn’t have defended myself. I should have begged for forgiveness. I should have spilled my guts to him and sworn to him that I could never love anyone like I loved him. But he’d hurt me and he’d made me into a twisted and ugly version of myself.
Maybe it was better that it get blown up. Maybe it was better that I latch onto someone else…
I couldn’t totally get behind the sentiment.
“You’ve been accusing me of cheating,” he started coldly. “to the point where it imploded our fucking relationship….and then you go and you make out with the guitarist for the other band? The other band that’s only fucking here because I invited them to make you happy? And you don’t see the problem here?”
“Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be,” I shouted emotionally. “Maybe we were supposed to be catalysts for each other.”
“Catalysts,” Jimmy repeated callously.
I swallowed my tears down, “Yes…Maybe it was never supposed to be the B’s. Maybe you’re supposed to be with Blair Peterson. Maybe she’s your soul mate.”
“Jesus Christ,” Jimmy breathed. “As if you’re making this about Blair right now.”
“I’m not,” I insisted. “I’m just saying…maybe we’re not good for each other. Maybe you were right to break this off. Maybe we should just be friends…”
He was at a loss. As was I. He was biting back his venom, even in his anger he was reluctant to cause me pain. I wish I could have said the same about myself.
“You’re trying to say Tyler is right for you?” he scowled.
I shrugged with my entire body, “I don’t know.”
“Does he know the way you take your coffee?” Jimmy asked me coldly. “Does he know the way your face lights up when your brother calls? Does he know the small of your back is sensitive as fuck?”
“Jimmy,” I choked, feeling myself ripping in two.
He stepped closer to me, “Does he know how insane you are? How you warp things in that beautiful head of yours until you don’t even know what reality is? Does he love you anyway? Does he love you like I do?”
“Jimmy,” I said again, trying to be strong.
“Does he?” he demanded of me. “If he does, I’ll let you go. I’ll leave you alone and I’ll never make you feel badly about it.”
Of course he didn’t. He never could. There was no one in the world that could love me quite like James Sullivan could. And there was no one that I’d really want to…But there was too much grey. There was too much debris. Everything we’d been was now a faint memory, shrouded in what we had become. We were too far gone.
“He loves me the way you love Blair Peterson,” I told him, the feeling in my hands draining away. “I’ll tell you it isn’t love and you won’t believe me. I’ll tell you it’s nothing but you’ll know that’s a lie. I’ll tell you that we’re just friends but you’ll always worry…Tyler is Blair Peterson. And now I think you’ll understand.”
“I don’t fucking love Blair!” Jimmy growled loudly. “For the last fucking time.”
I nodded, suddenly feeling like a hurricane was brewing inside. I needed to be validated. I needed Jimmy to be awful. I needed him to be bad so that I could be good.
The door clicked as it pushed open. Blair came waltzing in, a bottle of liquor in each hand. She looked glum and half-cut. Jimmy lit up at the sight of her; his blue eyes dazzling in the dim light. She smiled at him before realizing I was in her presence as well. She tossed up her wall.
“Oh, hey,” she said flatly.
I looked back at Jimmy with a knowing stare. He wouldn’t look at me.
“Yes,” I mused slowly, stepping away from him and closer to the door. “You do.”
Blair looked genuinely confused. I felt like I’d somehow woken up inside the lion’s den. There were three very broken hearts in the room that night.
“We’re going to get shitfaced,” Blair told me oddly. “Are you joining?”
“No,” Jimmy said for me. “She was just leaving.”
There was the validation. I nodded absently, saying not another word as I took my leave and let his door slam behind me. I sighed heavily as I leaned my body against it and fought back the tears.
“It’s okay,” I whispered to myself.
It needed to blow up. It couldn’t stay this way. I needed him to hate me. I needed him to keep the distance between us. It was better for everyone if he kept himself separate from me.
We weren’t meant to be together. We could never work. I was too headstrong, too jealous and untrusting. He was too broken, chained by his own volitions. We were, simply, just too different. I’d been stupid to deny it before. I’d been a fool to assume he’d come back to me, ready and willing to change and to accept me. I’d been a fool to assume I could accept him.
With a few rogue tears trailing down my face, I headed next door to my room. A part of me was curious about whether or not I could eavesdrop on Jimmy’s conversations from my bathroom. I wanted to know what he would tell Blair. I wanted to know what they talked about. I wanted to know if I’d destroyed him…
But Tyler was sat at the edge of his bed, looking perfect and uncomplicated as ever. He looked up at me as I entered but looked away once he saw my burdened face.
I walked to him with certainty, feeling somehow more alive. I positioned myself in front of him, dropping to my knees. His eyes met mine and they asked me what had happened without saying a word.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, like my words might break the world around us.
He whispered back, “Are you okay?”
I smiled softly as I stretched myself out to kiss him. He was hesitant at first but soon he faded into me. He dug himself into me with a burning desire that I was all too happy to reciprocate. He was different from Jimmy…not better, not worse…just different.
I felt sick with myself as I headed for the bathroom to clean myself up. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my reflection for fear I’d recognize the person staring back at me. If this didn’t blow things up, I wasn’t sure what would.
When I emerged, Ty had killed all the lights and neatly tucked himself into bed. I crawled beneath the sheets and nuzzled into his chest, planting soft kisses until my thoughts were too heavy to keep my head up.
We fell asleep shortly thereafter, waking only to a distinct and constant thumping against the wall. I stirred confusedly and irritated, annoyed to be awake once more with the gruesome truth that was my life. I was making a mess of everything. I glanced around the room in search for the origin of the annoyance. I needed to make it stop.
Tyler was snoozing through it all.
And then I heard Blair Peterson’s voice ring out clear as day. A simple and concise “fuck”. The tone of it all was what had tipped me off then and there.
My blood ran cold and my stomach turned to ash as I realized what was happening. Resisting the temptation to rip myself into pieces and fall apart at the very thought, I forced myself back into Tyler’s arms.
I pursed my eyes tightly and tried desperately to will the noise away.
Instead, I was eventually lulled back to sleep by the sound of Jimmy’s headboard banging against the wall.
I guess I’d really blown it up. And I’d never hated myself more.



Notes

Forgive me.

xx

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@kiss my sas
I'm sorry!!!! Didn't mean to kick you while you're down, I swear!!

fyction fyction
5/14/19

I'm so proud of you for finishing this masterpiece, but I am SO SAD!!!
WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN AND UPSETTING THE SICK AUSSIE?!??!?!
WHAT IS LIFE??!???!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

IT IS NOT OVER!!!
I REFUSE TO ADMIT IT IS OVER!!!!!!
PLAGUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

Holy shit, holy shit, I am not prepared!!!!
Going to read the... last... chapter now...

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19