Just Before You Go

The hotel phone’s insistent ringing brought me back to life. I watched groggily as Tyler snatched it up, he smiled.
“Sure,” he said, pausing for response. “Yeah, okay.”
He hung it back up and glanced down at me.
“Welcome back,” he grinned.
I slowly propped myself onto my elbows, yawning loudly, “Who was that?”
“Blair,” he said simply, turning back to his bed and digging through his bag.
“What did she want?” I asked curiously.
“Everyone’s going downstairs for drinks,” he told me.
I wasn’t really sure if I was invited. So, I just nodded passively and flopped back down into the pillows. Tyler pulled his shirt over his head and I caught myself staring at the muscles flexing in his back. He was in good shape, sculpted in all the right places. His body was nothing like Jimmy’s—Jimmy was skinny as hell. They were both sexy in their own respective ways.
But I felt guilty for drooling.
As he slipped a new shirt over his shoulders, he zipped his bag shut. I darted my eyes away innocently, like I hadn’t just been ogling him at all.
“Coming?” he asked me cheerfully.
I wasn’t sure if I should…but what was the alternative? To stay cooped up in the hotel room all alone, wondering what was going on downstairs? That hardly seemed like a good decision. I’d just be working myself up all night. Best to get into the thick of things, I figured.
I was more discreet than Tyler, changing into fresh clothing inside the privacy of the bathroom. This was a good opportunity to make myself look somewhat presentable, a far cry from the look I’d been rocking throughout the tour. I straightened my hair and reapplied my makeup. I looked almost like the girl I used to know.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I caught Tyler checking me out.
He smirked at me, “Well, don’t you clean up nice.”
I tried to hide my blushing. There was that guilt again.
We headed out into the hall and began our track back down to the lobby. I was surprised not to run into anyone on our way.
“Tyler?” I asked quietly.
He hummed something of an acknowledgement.
“How’s Blair doing?” I mused. “You know, with the whole Claire thing.”
“What do you mean?” he quipped confusedly.
I assumed then that Tyler didn’t know. I found it hard to believe that he wasn’t at least sort of suspicious of her feelings for Brian—but the look on his face suggested he was not.
“Oh, nothing,” I replied awkwardly.
“She doesn’t like Brian,” Tyler informed me, seething at the feel of Brian’s name across his lips. “So, I don’t see why she’d care about Claire.”
“If she doesn’t like Brian, why do you hate him so much?” I quizzed pointedly.
Tyler narrowed his eyes at me, “Because.”
“Good talk,” I teased lightly, pushing the button for the elevator.
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “Because that guy’s fucking trouble. He obviously likes to play with Blair and I hate it. She’s not a fucking toy, you know? It may not always seem like it but she does have feelings…He’s trouble.”
“But she’s a big girl,” I argued gently. “Don’t you think she can handle it?”
“Of course she can,” he nodded. “Doesn’t mean I have to like him, though.”
That was fair enough. I decided not to press it any further as we stepped into the elevator. We were quiet as we rode it all the way down and blindly stumbled around looking for the hotel bar.
It was quiet and dim. The only surefire sign that we were in the right place was the chorus of laughter chiming from the very back. As we rounded the bar, the massive group of musicians came into plain view. We took our seats at the very end of the table, I sat next to Brian and Tyler next to Claire. Obviously this was exactly where Tyler longed to be.
He glanced down the table at his friend, who was giving him a little smile and wave. It was sweet the way Blair seemed to light up when Tyler was around. They were comfortable but still totally enamored by one another. I wished I had a friend like that.
She was between Matt and Jimmy, which I found oddly amusing. How metaphorical. My eyes wandered to Brian who was watching Blair and Tyler have a silent conversation from opposite ends of the table. Claire followed Brian’s gaze, immediately rolling her eyes.
“So,” she spoke loudly, snapping Brian’s attention back. “You two get settled in alright?”
“Yeah,” I replied lamely.
Brian looked to me, “Sorry about the whole room mix up…I would have offered you my room but I thought that might be uncomfortable for you. And loud.”
I cringed at the visual of Brian and his girlfriend getting loud.
“It’s all good,” I smiled. “Tyler took me in.”
“Like a stray,” Ty teased.
The waitress appeared and promptly took our drink order. I spared no thirst and ordered a few rounds preemptively. Claire made small talk, mostly asking about my plans for the days off and if I knew of anything to get up to in the area. I obviously did not. She asked where I was from but seemed disappointed with my answer.
“Jimmy says I’m basically Canadian,” I laughed.
Tyler flinched at the mention of Jimmy’s name. It was subtle, for sure, but I caught it. So, maybe I wasn’t the only one with a curiosity brewing beneath the surface. It made me instantaneously nervous.
Jimmy’s laugh cut through the conversation and demanded my attention. He had his arm draped around Blair’s shoulders—and he didn’t notice me staring at all. I was so disappointed. This was what friendship would be, I guessed then. Me constantly getting used to being ignored.
He would have never ignored me before.
This was my bed, and I’d just have to learn to lay in it. As uncomfortable as it was. Tyler sensed my uneasiness, casting a small smile my way. I tried to relax.
“So, tell me,” Claire spoke again. “Do you guys, like, switch buses and stuff on the road? I’m trying to get myself ready for tour life.”
“Sometimes,” I shrugged, forcing myself to look away from Jimmy.
“If you find anyone from Haven on our bus, we’ve been broken into,” Brian grinned. “We don’t let riff raff aboard our sanctuary.”
“Yeah,” Tyler growled. “Unless their name is Blair Peterson.”
Claire cringed at her name, downing her drink in an attempt to hide her discomfort.
Brian shot Tyler a warning glance, “That’s Jimmy’s thing. Have you ever tried to tell The Rev what to do?”
“Jimmy’s problem,” Tyler repeated sarcastically. “Right.”
I, too, shot Tyler a warning glare. Whatever he was trying to do, this wasn’t the time or the place to be doing it. I was weirdly protective of Brian, not that he honestly deserved it. He’d done something shitty—and I was sure it would come out in time…but I wasn’t sure he should be crucified in a bar for it. Tyler rolled his eyes at me.
“Is she your friend?” Claire asked Tyler neatly, placing her empty glass onto the table.
He nodded, “She’s been my best friend since we were kids.”
“That’s nice,” she replied politely. “She seems…nice.”
Tyler laughed, “She’s not nice.”
Brian looked defensive now. Claire looked confused.
“She’s the best person you’ll ever meet though,” Tyler added for Claire’s benefit. “She’ll sacrifice her life for the people she cares about.”
“You’d know all about that,” Brian noted under his breath.
I was sure they were going to fight again. Claire looked back and forth between the feuding men with uncertainty—and serious suspicion.
“Am I missing something?” she asked finally.
They answered in smug unison, “Nope.”
She looked to me for some explanation, but she was thoroughly disappointed when I refused to give in. This wasn’t my battle and I sure as shit wasn’t about to throw my hat into the ring. Consider me Switzerland.
An awkward silence fell upon the four of us. It was not ideal for anyone.
“So, Claire,” I started uneasily, desperately wishing the waitress would hurry up with our drinks. “How long are you staying?”
She hesitated before answering, “Two weeks…give or take.”
I think she already had one foot in the exit.
“That’s a good amount of time,” I said oddly.
Social awkwardness.
“Yeah,” she breathed slowly. “We’re a day in and things are already…interesting.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve yet to see Blair Peterson on our bus,” she noted pointedly. “So that’s interesting in and of itself.”
“Why would you?” Brian asked starkly.
She shrugged, “Sounds like she’s usually around a lot. Figures she isn’t when I come around. It’s interesting.”
Brian was glaring at Tyler then. Tyler was looking smug as all hell.
“It’s probably because Ty, here, smothers Blair for her attention,” Brian shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. “He probably had a cry last night that kept Blair from her life.”
Tyler was stunned. I was stunned. Claire was…confused.
“Dude,” I choked.
“What?” Brian retorted. “Did we cry wolf about suicide again, Tyler? No…Probably not…Because then Blair would be obsessing over you right now instead of hanging with her friends. My bad.”
“Brian,” I snapped threateningly.
He wasn’t flinching.
“Fuck you, man,” Tyler managed.
Brian grinned, “Good one.”
Claire and I looked at each other helplessly. We were caught in the middle of a seedy and cruel pissing contest. What I didn’t understand was why Brian felt the need to piss with Tyler at all. Tyler wasn’t threatening his relationship with Blair. Claire was.
Fuck that, Brian was.
This is what happens when you can’t make up your mind about who your heart belongs to. I should know.
“You know what?” Tyler exclaimed just as the waitress finally appeared with our drinks. “I’m not feeling up to drinks tonight.”
He rose from his chair with a loud screech against the tile.
“I’ll see you later,” he said to me before hurriedly escaping the tension.
Blair was watching intently, straining her neck to peer around everyone and try to put pieces together. Once Tyler was noticeably headed for the door, Blair was on her feet. Brian rolled his eyes at her.
“Like I said,” he grumbled as Blair went darting passed.
“What is wrong with you?” I demanded, totally in shock at just how big of a tool Brian really could be. “Was that really necessary?”
Blair must have caught this with her bat hearing because she whipped back around.
“What did you do?” she pressed Brian. “What did you say to him?”
Brian shrugged, “Nothing.”
“Brian,” she pushed desperately.
“Nothing that isn’t true,” Brian seethed, daring to look up at her finally.
She wracked her brain for something to say, and for the first time ever, I saw her flinch.
“Whatever you and I had,” she said flatly, gesturing between them, “consider it done.”
She flew off on Tyler’s heels, panic in each step.
Claire looked so, so, so upset. She was quiet, her eyes on the table watching her fingers spin the glass in small circles. Brian was troubled. His jaw was clenched and every single muscle in his body was tense.
“You’re a piece of shit. I can’t believe I ever defended you,” I informed him as I, too, sped after Tyler.
I could hear Tyler shouting, repeating over and over that he was fine.
“Go live your fucking life, Blair!” he screamed at her.
The scene was heart wrenching. She grabbed at his flailing arm but he shook himself free.
“You are my life,” she insisted desperately. “What happened?”
“I am not your life,” he told her angrily.
I lingered back, suddenly unsure how to continue. I didn’t want to get between whatever they were doing—but I didn’t want Tyler to feel abandoned, either. He was genuinely upset.
“And apparently all I do is keep you from living,” he continued painfully. “I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Who the fuck said that?” she asked confusedly. “When the fuck have I ever said that?”
“I’m going to assume to Brian,” he growled. “You can tell him the truth but not me, huh? That’s great, Blair.”
“Tyler,” she tried.
“Get the fuck away from me.”
Brian startled me as he came up from behind, he looked far more certain than I did. He marched up to the two of them.
“Dude,” he scowled. “You’re overreacting. Look, I know what I said was a low blow, but—”
Tyler took a step toward Brian but Blair instinctively stepped between them.
Tyler scoffed, “That’s what I thought.”
“Tyler,” she said lowly.
“Go live your life, Blair,” he shrugged in defeat. “I won’t keep you from it anymore.”
He turned and left. Blair stood in shock for a second before Brian’s voice shook her out of it.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I was just kidding around.”
“You were what?” Blair managed through her exasperation.
He went to speak again but the broken look on her face stopped him.
“Brian,” she said, emotion welling up in her usually calm voice. “I know you don’t know him very well, but…he’s everything to me. He’s ridiculously sensitive and you can’t…I don’t know what you said to him but whatever it was, I now have to slave over it to fix it. So thank you.”
“No you don’t,” Brian argued. “You don’t need to be his fucking keeper, Blair. You can make your own decisions. You can live your own life.”
“Oh, yeah,” she growled. “Because I make such good decisions. You were one of them, remember? And look where that got me.”
Brian went to speak but she stopped him once more.
“Why are you like this?” she almost cried. “Why do you do this to me? What the fuck do you get out of it? Why are you so hell bent on fucking up everyone around you?”
“Do this to you?” he laughed sarcastically. “What am I doing, Blair?”
“You slept with me and then—”
“And then, what?” he challenged loudly. “And then went back to my life? What did you expect to happen, Blair? Seriously. You thought we’d fuck and then we’d ride off into the sunset together? It was a drunken mistake. A very drunken mistake.”
Her jaw dropped.
“I’m sorry that I don’t fucking want you,” he snarled. “But your fucking boyfriend should grow a pair and stop leaning on you so hard.”
She composed herself in true Blair Peterson fashion, “If you don’t want me, Brian, then I struggle to see how it’s any of your business. You go live your shitty life and I’ll go live mine.”
“What’s going on?” Jimmy’s voice alerted both of their attention.
Brian looked horrified to find I was still standing there, joined by Jimmy now. Blair’s skin ran cold and her face beat red. I don’t think she’d known I was there at all. It wasn’t enough that I had snooped through her deepest thoughts, but now I’d played audience for her showdown with the opposing B. She was going to hate me forever, I was sure of it.
“Nothing,” Brian declared, shaking his head at Blair. “Fucking nothing.”
Blair swallowed her pain like a champ just long enough for Brian to storm away and back to his girlfriend. Her eyes welled up and it killed me to witness.
“What did I do?” she managed weakly, looking to Jimmy for resolution.
And he gave it to her. He swept her into his arms and held her as she broke down. That was all I needed. Obviously Jimmy was more important to Blair than Tyler. Maybe she was taking his advice, after all.
I excused myself quickly, jogging down the hall after Tyler. I caught him just as he was stepping into the elevator. With a quick grab, I pulled him backwards. He looked at me with wild confusion.
“Are you okay?” I asked hurriedly. “I’m so sorry for what Brian said. He was way out of line.”
He shrugged, “He’s right, though. I’m overreacting and I know that. But, I just…I’m a fucking burden, you know?”
I felt that sentiment in my fucking bones. I, too, felt like a burden.
“You’re not a burden,” I told him quietly, my heart aching for him.
“I’ve dictated Blair’s life for the past…fuck…forever,” he told me, upset with himself. “And I’ve never really thought about what that meant for her. What she’s given up. She’s a fucking saint and I’ve never actually appreciated it.”
“Tyler,” I sighed.
“It isn’t fair to her,” he decided aloud. “But the truth is that she’d be fine without me. She’d move on and find a new life. I don’t know how to be without her, though. So…I don’t know where that leaves me.”
This was the closest I’d ever come to seeing Tyler’s demons. He’d kept them locked away from me, carefully mining each and every one of his thoughts before verbalizing them to me. Now he was without filter, his mind racing a mile a minute. I was trying to keep up.
“She doesn’t need me,” he breathed. “No one needs me.”
That sentiment was deeply felt too. He was hitting the nail on the head.
It occurred to me then that I might have some darkness swirling around inside of me too. A sudden understanding connected us right there in the middle of the hallway.
I stepped toward him daringly, “I do.”
He snapped himself from his grey haze, “What?”
“I do,” I reiterated. “I need you.”
With a deep breath, I let Tyler push his lips to mine. I let myself fall into him and I let his arms wrap around my waist. Unashamedly, I let myself like it.
But I was so busy letting Tyler in that I didn’t hear Jimmy’s footsteps. I didn’t notice Jimmy’s gaze.
I didn’t hear Jimmy’s heart break.

Notes