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Just Before You Go

Chapter Sixty-Eight: The Reverend

Another week had passed and nothing had changed. Nothing had changed in terms of Jimmy and I, anyway. Tyler and Blair had experienced a big blow-up, words were exchanged and feelings were hurt. Tyler seemed more bothered by the whole thing than Blair, though. She was back and witty as ever within the hour. Tyler had been noticeably down since the whole thing though—it wasn’t clear to us outsiders what exactly they were fighting about.
“She’s like my sister,” was all Tyler had said about it. “Siblings fight.”
I could only assume that it was about Brian…or maybe me. Blair was fine enough with me but her interest in my problems seemed to have taken a serious nosedive. Granted, nothing new had really happened. It seemed to be like her loyalties were conflicted and she wasn’t sure which side to lean on.
I couldn’t blame her, really. Brian was stuck in that purgatory, too.
“So,” Justin called as he climbed aboard the bus after another job well done. “Avenged is having a party and we’re all going.”
“They party every night,” Chris noted on his way to his bunk. “Count me out.”
“You’re so fucking lame, man,” Justin scoffed, he turned his focus to Blair and grinned, “I know I can count on you.”
Blair rolled her eyes, “Dude, I’m tired. And the last party they had, we almost died.”
It’s true. Maybe that’s what she and Tyler fought about. Apparently Johnny and Jimmy had gotten up to no good and had pounced onto their driver, who subsequently nearly drove them into oncoming traffic. They’d had a serious talking to and the bus driver had threatened to quit on the spot. It was a pretty big deal but everyone moved off of it pretty quickly.
I was glad I wasn’t aboard to see it happen in real time.
“Come on,” Justin groaned at his bandmates. “How about this. It’s not up for debate. You’re all fucking coming and that’s the end of it.”
“Okay, Dad,” Blair teased with a sly smirk.
Tyler chortled from the couch. Blair shot him a daggered look but quickly reeled it back in.
“What about you, Aria?” Justin asked me, causing me great discomfort right away. “You coming?”
I shifted uncomfortably in my place beside Tyler, “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”
“Oh whatever,” he dismissed me. “It’s been like a year.”
“Two weeks,” I corrected.
He grinned, “I’d be under someone else by now. Just saying.”
I hated men mentality. Maybe some women worked that way too…but not me. It had taken me years to move on from my exboyfriend onto someone else. Even then, it was a slow process into the physical. Jimmy was the fastest I’d ever moved and I couldn’t even begin to think about sleeping with anyone else.
But then I wondered if he shared that sentiment.
What if he’d already slept with someone else? It wasn’t like I’d know…it wasn’t like he didn’t have opportunity. If you’d seen the crowds waiting outside each venue every night, there was no way to be naïve about the possibility…
Blair sensed my realization, “Justin, knock it the fuck off.”
“What happened?” he snickered, shrugging as he disappeared into the back.
Blair smiled sympathetically at me before returning to her book. Tyler rubbed my leg a little, smiling as my eyes found his. He’d been a lifesaver throughout everything that had happened…He felt like my only real friend, saving me from a life of loneliness. He was the only reason I was still on that stupid tour. Not that I didn’t look at the cost of flights home every other day. We were too far across the country to even afford a flight back.
He took his hand back and resumed strumming at his guitar. We stayed this way for a while, everyone quietly minding their own business. My mind was too busy obsessing about Jimmy to notice when everyone started coming back together.
“Earth to Aria,” Tyler laughed, snapping his fingers in my face.
I tried to push the visual of Jimmy grinding his hips into someone else’s away. Even as a fictitious image, it was enough to make me nauseous.
“Sorry,” I grumbled.
“Are you going to come?” he asked me like I was privy to the context.
I rubbed the uneasiness from my temples, “Where?”
“To the Avenged bus,” he laughed. “We’re heading over in five.”
I frowned up at my friend, “No, I don’t think so…”
“Do you want me to stay with you?” he asked me sweetly.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Justin growled from somewhere behind Tyler. “Stop moping about it and fucking do something about it already. If you don’t want to be broken up, don’t be. Go shake your tits in his face or something.”
The sentiment was almost sweet. Blair appeared from the abyss, looking unbelievably beautiful. She rolled her eyes at Justin.
“You are so fucking eloquent,” she teased. “If she doesn’t want to come, don’t make her come.”
I didn’t like Blair’s dismissing my attendance. I was insane, I know. But it thoroughly enraged me. Suddenly I had tunnel vision and I was struck with a surge of moxie.
“No, I’m coming,” I announced, darting away to go and change out of my sweats.
Haven didn’t bother to wait for me, as they rarely did. Except Ty, that is. He waited for me patiently always. I think that might have been where my disconnect with Blair Peterson started. Maybe she was jealous. It was hard to read her at the best of times—she made it impossible once she was conscious that you were trying to read her.
Once I was mostly presentable, I took one deep breath to keep from throwing up and then I followed Tyler outside. It was times like those that I wished I was a smoker; it seemed like a welcomed and well-designed nerve calmer. I could have used something to that effect.
Nevertheless, we headed for the noise. It was an anomaly of a night, which is partially why I agreed to attend. We were stationed here until the following afternoon, it was meant to be a day off of sorts but without the luxuries of a hotel bathroom or any actual freedom. It was being celebrated with a parking lot party, apparently. Every single member of the bands and crews were staggered around the front of Avenged’s bus. It was lit only by the indoor lights casting themselves out the windows.
Brian spotted our approach and he met me halfway, half cut, with half a cigarette hanging from his lips.
“Is this real life?” he teased. “You’re fucking coming?”
I nodded, feeling weaker and weaker by the second. This thought had been good in theory but the actual execution was daunting as hell.
“Good,” he concluded, giving Tyler an awkward head nod before joining my side.
Matt had his arm slumped around Blair’s shoulders, deep in conversation with half of Haven’s crew. They looked so much like a couple that I, again, cursed myself for being so threatened by her.
“Hey, Aria,” Johnny smiled. “Need a beer?”
I mumbled something of a sure and a thank you, standing around awkwardly as he disappeared inside.
And then Jimmy appeared—his back radiating light like an angel of doom. He stepped down, falling into the darkness, without noticing me at all. To see him…suffering. Endless and insurmountable amounts of suffering. I wanted to curl up and die.
And then he spotted me. He looked a lot like he’d just been hit by a train—he stopped his heart from beating and the world around us slowed. It was the first time we’d really seen each other since he’d broken my heart.
“H-Hey,” he said oddly, snapping himself into reality.
“Hi,” I managed without bursting into tears.
That was progress.
“Here ya go, Aria!” Johnny smiled, handing me the beer he’d offered seconds ago.
“Oh, you’re staying?” Jimmy asked, genuinely shocked.
Johnny smirked, “You sure ask her that question a lot, man.”
Jimmy and I threw ourselves into an impasse. I decided I was right for coming; and he was just going to have to digest whatever that meant for him. If he thought he could avoid me forever, he was dead wrong.
“Jim!” Matt called. “We have a drum problem for you!”
“Problem?” Jimmy called back amusedly, walking away from me without a second thought.
Then I seriously thought about crying.
“I’m going to grab a drink,” Tyler told me, sympathy ringing loud and clear. “Want anything?”
“Nothing you can give me,” I mumbled beneath my breath.
Tyler didn’t hear me and I guess didn’t care, he soon disappeared too. I stood by my lonesome, more uncomfortable than ever.
“Was he a dick?” Brian’s voice chimed from behind me.
He was tightening his belt, a brand new cigarette hanging from his lips. I assumed he’d just pissed in public—what a charming man.
“No…Yeah…I don’t know.”
“He’s,” Brian started but stopped. “Fuck it, I’m just going to tell you. He’s been a fucking idiot since you guys broke up.”
“That’s the general consensus,” I said for the millionth time.
He shook his head, taking a deep puff before taking the cigarette from his mouth, “No, you don’t get it, man. He’s sulking around, he’s bitching at everyone fucking constantly. It’s like morning Jimmy…but…around the fucking clock.”
This made me feel only a little better. I was a little happy to hear that Jimmy was feeling something about the loss—but it pained me to know that he was sad. Even if working to my benefit, I never wanted Jimmy to be hurt.
When I didn’t say anything, Brian nudged my arm with his, “Just give it some more time. I think it’s good you came, though. Seriously.”
“We’ll see,” I sighed, watching as Brian took another long haul of his cigarette. “Bri, can I have one of those?”
He furrowed his brows at me in confusion, “One of what?”
I pointed to the smoke, a small laugh escaping from my lips.
“Oh, shit!” he smirked. “Sure.”
He pulled a pack of Marlboros from his back pocket and held them out to me. It felt a lot like a magician performing a card trick—pick a card, any card.
Once I had a cigarette placed firmly between my lips, Brian stuffed his pack away and reached out to light it for me. I took a careful first puff, leery of choking to death right there on the pavement.
“Picking up a new habit from Blair?” Brian grinned.
I shook my head, “Just…seemed like something to do.”
Brian sighed, watching Blair as he smoked with me. I couldn’t blame him. Even after everything that had happened between them, he still looked as though he worshipped the ground she ashed on. She looked quite comfortable with Matt, though, and this did not go unnoticed.
“So, how’s Claire?” I asked pointedly, pulling my attention away from Blair and back to Brian’s conflicted eyes.
He almost laughed, “She’s fine.”
“She’s coming…”
“Tomorrow,” Brian finished for me. “Should be…”
I laughed, “Interesting.”
This tour life was an equivalent to an MTV reality show where a bunch of lustful teens get thrown into a house together. The amount of almost relationships in this parking lot alone was astounding. It seemed like everyone was pining after someone. Most of which were the people they weren’t actually with.
Humans are weird.
My eyes moved passed Brian once more just in time to watch Matt, Blair, and Jimmy climb aboard the bus. I could only assume what they were getting up to was the very thing Jimmy had sworn he’d give up. There he was, indulgent as ever.
Apparently I’d grown out of my impulsiveness. Just another thing that my relationship had beaten out of me.
“This was a mistake,” I sighed. “I’m going back.”
I didn’t leave enough time for Brian to argue. I high-tailed it out of there as fast as I could. Though, I should have known Brian wouldn’t let me leave in a fit of drama. He followed behind me, sparing no effort expense as he quickly caught up to me.
“You know,” he said to me, “you’re letting him get his way every time you bow out.”
“Let him have it,” I grumbled.
Brian grabbed my arm, forcing me to stop my forward trajectory, “Aria, listen to me.”
He had my attention. I was shocked and he was a little abrupt, but he had it.
“The further you let Jimmy push away, the harder it will be for him to admit he was wrong,” Brian informed me. “Which he was. And I think he knows he was. You just need to ride it out—which you can’t fucking do by hiding out every night.”
“Why do you even care?” I quipped more harshly than I’d meant to.
He frowned at me, “He’s my best friend. I just want him to be happy.”
“I don’t make him happy,” I argued. “Obviously.”
“You make him…You make shit real,” Brian told me thoughtfully. “Jimmy doesn’t do reality so well.”
I didn’t know how to take that, so I offered nothing in return.
“Come on,” he encouraged with a head nod toward the party. “Let’s get back.”
I let him pull me back to the crowd. He kept his arm linked with mine like an escort to a drunken ball for miscreants. Everyone was smoking something and drinking everything. To my surprise, Blair was back in the world—sans Jimmy or Matt, who were still missing. She was cuddled up to Tyler, laughing at something her only female tech had said.
I guess they’d smoothed things over.
Why was it so easy for everyone else to patch up their problems? Was I seriously that damaged?
She caught sight of us and excused herself from her group.
“Brian Haner,” she grinned. “Just the man I was looking for.”
He didn’t look thoroughly convinced, “Why’s that?”
“Do you have a smoke to spare?” she asked with a bat of her long eyelashes. “Jimmy took mine and won’t give them back.”
I cringed at his name.
He pulled the pack from his pocket and tossed it to her without warning, “Knock yourself out. Return them when you’re done.”
He went to walk away from her, pulling me along with him, but her voice stopped him.
“What now?” she asked irritably.
“What now, what?” he retorted.
She shrugged, looking surprisingly vulnerable. Defeated, maybe. I couldn’t quite place it.
“Never mind,” she sighed, waving him off. “Forget it.”
“No,” he said, pulling his arm back from mine now. “What do you mean ‘now what’?”
As they got into their typical tango of B vs B, I decided I was bored of it. If they started to make out in the midst of their feud, that might be something worth paying attention to. Otherwise, it was the same old.
I finished the last of my beer in two big gulps and set it down in the pile that had been accumulating to the right of the door. As I breezed past the open door, I couldn’t help but notice my giant former lover hunched over inside. He was alone and he was distracted.
I told myself I shouldn’t care. I told myself that it would be better to ignore him—to show him that I could be uncaring too. But…that wasn’t who I was. I did care.
With shaky limbs, I climbed aboard and forced myself to make a sound.
His head shot up at the sound of my voice. His crystal blues were now trimmed with red. His skin more pale than usual.
“Are you okay?” I asked him slowly.
He shook his head.
“What’s the matter?” I rushed, worried he was overdosing and going to die right in front of me.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he said lowly, moving his gaze back to the floor.
“What?” I wasn’t expecting that type of response.
He sighed to himself, “I’m fucking everything up…”
“Like what?” I cooed softly, daring to take a step closer to him. “What happened?”
“What do you mean what happened?” he snapped, his eyes meeting mine once more.
I almost didn’t recognize the person looking back at me.
“You happened,” he told me bitterly. “And now I’m all…fucked up.”
“You never needed me to be fucked up,” I bit.
His eyes flinched ever so subtly as he retorted as cockily as he could, “I never needed you at all.”
It was like taking a thousand bullets—but surviving each one. Anguish. Immediate anguish. I fought myself; determined not to cry. I wasn’t going to react. I couldn’t react.
I nodded awkwardly and turned to leave.
Jimmy growled from somewhere deep in his throat, “Aria.”
“What?” I choked on my feelings, trying not to let him see me cry.
I kept my back to him, despite the fact that it meant everyone outside could see me welling up.
“I didn’t…” he sighed in frustration. “I don’t…”
His arms around my waist startled me. I froze with uncertainty. Was I hallucinating?
“I didn’t mean that,” he whispered in my ear, his breath on my skin sending shivers down my spine.
I found myself melting. I hated myself for it.
With one hand on each hip, he turned me to face him. His eyes burned into mine, plaguing me with unfamiliarity. He was skyscraper high. I wasn’t interested.
“I’m sorry,” he said through his haze.
He could barely keep his focus.
“I’ll bet you are,” I replied bitterly, pushing myself from his grip.
I tried to leave but he grabbed my arm.
“Where are you going?” he asked quickly.
Full of clichés, I tried not to weep, “Anywhere but here.”
“Please don’t go,” he pleaded. “We should talk.”
“I’ll tell you what, Jimmy,” I said through my self-loathing. “If you still want to talk in the morning, we’ll talk.”
“Offer’s only good until midnight,” he informed me defensively.
I pulled my arm back, “I won’t talk to you while you’re high. Do you not remember why we broke up in the first place?”
He nodded with his eyes wide, “Because you’re a crazy person.”
I went to argue with him but he laughed. If it hadn’t been such an ominous and off-putting laugh, I probably would have swooned. I had a thing for his smile; it really got under my skin in the best way. This was different.
“You’re too jealous,” he told me like it was the first time it had ever come up. “And I’m a piece of shit.”
Even though I knew he was just doing the whole self-depreciating thing, I couldn’t help but want to disagree with him. I stopped myself.
“I can’t make you happy,” he continued loudly. “I can’t make anyone happy. I can’t even make myself happy!”
He clenched the doorway with one hand and swung himself outside, declaring to the masses that he was The Reverend Tholomew Plague and he was a self-declared piece of shit. Over and over.
Matt sparked into action, looking horrified and concerned with his friend’s behavior. He pushed Jimmy back into the bus, repeatedly asking what he was on and how much he’d taken. It seemed like an awkward question given that he and Matt were almost always together. Maybe Brian was right. Maybe Jimmy was fucked up.
A massive part of me was glad.
“I fucking love you, Aria!” Jimmy shouted at me as Matt shoved him to the back of the bus, his voice cracking and breaking with each impact to his back. “I fucking love you!”
I couldn’t take it. I broke apart, tearing myself from the bus and out into the darkness. I kept my face hidden behind my hands as I made a break for it. All I wanted was to get back to my bunk and disappear into the sheets.
Through my misery, I almost didn’t notice Brian and Blair leaned up against the back of the bus, their bodies completely intertwined.
I made it to the bunk and I completely fell apart.

Notes

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@kiss my sas
I'm sorry!!!! Didn't mean to kick you while you're down, I swear!!

fyction fyction
5/14/19

I'm so proud of you for finishing this masterpiece, but I am SO SAD!!!
WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN AND UPSETTING THE SICK AUSSIE?!??!?!
WHAT IS LIFE??!???!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

IT IS NOT OVER!!!
I REFUSE TO ADMIT IT IS OVER!!!!!!
PLAGUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

Holy shit, holy shit, I am not prepared!!!!
Going to read the... last... chapter now...

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19