Just Before You Go

Blair had given me her undivided attention. She’d broken our conversation only to go and let the other members of Haven know that they had a stowaway, and were not permitted to enter the back of the bus. Other than that, she’d been listening intently to my problems all night. When the bus moved itself forward, I was hit with the realization that I wouldn’t see Jimmy until morning. I’d be sleeping alone.
I’d told her all about what had been happening, and what little but meaningful things he’d said to me earlier that night.
“This is why I don’t date,” she noted as she stuffed a handful of potato chips into her mouth. “Too much drama.”
I nodded solemnly, ashamed that it was true.
For a while I thought that it was a new thing for Jimmy and I to be at each other’s throats, but Blair noted it right away.
“It’s totally your paradigm,” she shrugged. “You guys started out rocky—it only makes sense that it would stay that way.”
“I don’t know how to fix it,” I told her glumly.
“Do you want to? And before you just say ‘yes’ for the sake of saying yes, think about it.”
And so I did. What was life without Jimmy? It would be far more secure, that was for certain. I’d be free to move back to Huntington—or anywhere I wanted, for that matter. I could take up the hunt for a legal position, I could repair the damage my parents’ had caused to our relationship…But was that it? Those things were so meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
What was life with Jimmy? Endless travel and eating at gas stations? No real need for a home because we’d hardly ever be in it. Secrets and quieted conversations with his friends in the corner? Working as a merch girl forever?
“Those are all temporary, variable things,” Blair told me when I voiced all of this to her. “What’s your relationship actually like? Do you laugh more than you cry? Does he know how you like your coffee? What’s the foundation of it like?”
“He…He sees right through me,” I thought aloud. “He makes me more confident, like when he’s around I’m worth something. I’m braver and more impulsive…He makes me happy—sometimes.”
“Why only sometimes?” she asked casually, digging around the bag of chips for the busted up crumbs.
Apparently those were her favorite.
“He’s pretty heavy into the opiates,” I told her like it was common knowledge.
The unchanged expression on her face told me that it was.
“And he isn’t empathetic really,” I continued. “He doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do about things…He can’t put himself in my shoes for even one second. And yet, I really love him. Despite everything he’s done…despite everything he makes me feel…I love him.”
She frowned, glancing up at me with her perfect green eyes, “Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“That’s what Jimmy said.”
She winced, “Sorry.”
“How do you forgive someone?” I asked her, hopeful she might know.
“I’m not sure…I don’t know if it’s forgiveness that you need.”
I tilted my head at her.
“I mean…” she paused before sitting straight up. “Okay, look. Jimmy did some fucked up shit, for sure. But…You made the choice to get back together with him. That means that you’ve put some of that responsibility back onto yourself. So…It’s too late for forgiveness. And realistically, forgiveness would only be useful to you if he had, like, slipped up and wasn’t going to use anymore.”
“I doubt that,” I grumbled.
She nodded, “So, maybe what you need is acceptance.”
“What if I can’t accept it?”
She bit at her bottom lip, reluctant to answer my question, “Then maybe you need to move on.”
That was it? That was my choice? Live with Jimmy’s bad habits or let him go entirely? Why wasn’t anyone on my side?
“You don’t think it’s reasonable that I ask him to stop?” I challenged.
She shrugged, “Reasonable and realistic are two very different things. I think you’d be disappointed.”
We stayed up all night talking about my problem. She didn’t show even an ounce of boredom or disinterest—she actively listened as I rambled or vented or cried. I had to give it to her, she was a pretty solid person after all. It suddenly made a lot of sense why Jimmy liked her so much.
And Matt, too.
The jury was still out on Brian.
I’d been ranting about the way my parents had treated Jimmy, and how that had really acted as a catalyst for our demise, when I finally looked back over to Blair for validation. She was fast asleep, her face rested against the back of the couch; her hand wedged in between. I stopped to look at her, curiously vulnerable for once. She was beautiful as ever, with her black hair hanging just atop her peaceful face. I felt remarkably guilty for ever assuming the worst of this perfect creature.
I’m not sure when it happened, but I fell asleep sometime after realizing I was the world’s worst human.
I awoke to the smell of coffee. When I pulled my eyelids apart, I was startled to find Tyler towering over me.
He laughed maniacally as I gasped and drew my body away.
“Morning!”
I groaned at him.
He shook the cup of coffee at me vigorously, spilling bits from the sides. I took it from him, mostly to avoid third degree burns.
“I heard we had a stowaway,” he told me. “But I didn’t know it was you.”
I smiled faintly, thanking him for the hot liquid.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’ll be okay…Blair helped a lot.”
“Yeah, she’s good for that,” he said fondly. “I’ll leave you to wake up…We just pulled in ten minutes ago, so you haven’t missed anything.”
It was crazy to me that the night had passed. I hadn’t thought I would survive it, but I had. However, that meant that now I would have to face Jimmy…I’d worked through a lot of my demons over the night, I just hoped that Jimmy had too.
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and held the mug of coffee tight to my chest as I walked through the bus.
“Morning,” their drummer nodded at me quickly before returning to his book.
“Hey,” their bassist smiled.
I waved at them both before stepping out and into the world. It was quieter than I was expecting. The venue was massive, stretching far overhead and casting a giant shadow on us insignificant creatures below. Tyler was up ahead, walking toward the building at the world’s slowest rate.
Then I caught wind of Blair’s voice. I glanced over to spot her arguing, loudly, with Brian. She was leaned toward him, gesturing with her arms wildly. He had his own arms folded across his chest, shaking his head with a smug grin on his face all the while. I wondered what they were fighting about now; but, surprisingly, didn’t really care.
“Morning, Aria,” Zach smiled as he whizzed passed me with a guitar case.
It was as if nothing had changed. Everyone was acting totally normal, like they didn’t know that a hurricane had touched down last night. The only other victim of its wake was still left to be seen.
“You’re fucking impossible,” Blair growled, reaching into her pocket to grab her cigarettes.
Brian just smiled.
“Hey,” I greeted them both awkwardly.
“Hey,” Blair smiled pleasantly, lighting her cigarette and stuffing the lighter into her jeans pocket. “We were just talking about you.”
“I bet,” I yawned.
Brian frowned, “You okay?”
I shrugged.
“He was sulking all night,” Brian told me. “He’s still sleeping…I don’t know if you really want to wake him up.”
“No,” I shook my head. “Let him sleep…I can do with putting off the heartbreak for a while.”
“For what it’s worth,” Brian said, tossing his own cigarette to the pavement. “I think you guys are worth the trouble. So…If he pushes you away, don’t let go.”
I eyed Brian weirdly.
He half-laughed, “I told you before. You’re good for my best friend. It would be a shame to see you go.”
“Brian!” Johnny called from a distance, waving frantically for Brian to come.
He looked back at me, “Gotta go. You’ll be okay,” and then he turned his focus to Blair, adorning that same ridiculous grin, “Blair, a pleasure as always.”
“Oh, fuck off,” she smirked.
As Brian disappeared, I watched Blair watch him. I was pleased to find Brian turn around to give one last look at her before disappearing around a corner with Johnny.
“How’re we feeling today?” she asked me sweetly, taking in a deep breath of nicotine.
I sighed, “I’m not really sure how to feel.”
“Well,” she exhaled. “Today will go one of two ways: you will break up or you won’t.”
“Thanks for filling me in,” I teased lightly.
It felt good to joke.
“I hope you don’t mind but I talked to Ty a bit about it this morning,” she told me nervously, something I knew only by the way she bit at her lip.
I shook my head; I didn’t mind. Tyler was my friend anyway, I’d thought. Maybe we weren’t exactly friends…but we were definitely friendly. He was someone that I would like to call my friend. And so, I didn’t mind him being let in on my personal life. Not that I knew a whole lot about his personal life—which seemed like something a lot more worth knowing.
“We agreed that if things go south,” she continued, darting her eyes around the parking lot. “And, you know…You wanted to keep at it…You’re welcome to stowaway with us any time.”
“Thank you,” I smiled.
She nodded passively, like the whole bonding experience had made her squeamish and uncomfortable. I laughed a little.
“Blair,” I spoke lightly. “I’m really sorry that I misjudged you.”
She cocked an eyebrow at me, “Did you?”
“I did,” I nodded. “I was sure you were going to sneak around with Jimmy or something…I don’t know what I thought. But I was wrong…and I’m sorry.”
“I told you,” she shrugged. “I don’t sleep with other girls’ boyfriends.”
I nodded again.
“If he were single though,” she smirked.
My stomach sank, “Too soon.”
Blair laughed heartily, her beautiful smile thawing the cool in my chest, “Sorry.”
Her expression changed quickly from amused to afraid. I was about to ask her what was happening but she gestured behind me with her head. Slowly and cautiously, I turned around. Jimmy had apparently awoken and had stepped out to join the world.
And now he was behind me.
His blue eyes peered down at me, piercing my soul with their hooks, “Can we talk?”
Reluctantly, I agreed. I waved a rueful goodbye to Blair before following Jimmy back to the Avenged bus and climbing aboard. I honestly thought I might throw up.
One of two things were about to happen…
I just didn’t know which one to prepare for.

Notes

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