Just Before You Go

“Careful with that!” I shrieked, frantically grabbing at the air around my antique lamp that I’d inherited from my late grandmother.
The same lamp that Zach was carrying with one hand and hardly any caution.
“I’m being careful,” he assured me lazily as he disappeared through the front door.
I’d rented a storage unit in Fountain Valley and today was the day that all my home’s contents were moved. It was so strange to see my life in boxes once again, and my living room without furniture. But I affirmed to myself that this was a good choice and that it was all at the cost of moving forward. Though, my heart was sad to see my home fade away to just another house.
Johnny and Matt whizzed by me and immediately began arguing over who was responsible for which end of the mattress. I let them argue, retreating myself into the kitchen where a fresh pot of coffee filled the air with its wondrous scent. Dumping arguably too much into my mug, I sighed to myself.
It was the right choice…right? It wasn’t childish or irresponsible to abandon your own life to follow someone else’s path? There was no real reason why our two paths couldn’t merge into one…right?
“What’s wrong?” Jenny asked knowingly, hopping up onto the counter and using it like a seat.
I lied, “Nothing.”
“Just sad to move out of here?”
I nodded, which in itself was a lie but I didn’t want anyone to know that I was admittedly on the fence about the departure I was about to take from my normalcy.
It made me worry that people might judge me…or judge my commitment to Jimmy. I hated that I cared so much about what other people thought; a trait I inherited from my father, no doubt.
“It’s going to be sad to see you go,” Jen frowned at me. “But if you decide you want a roomie when you get back, I always have a room for you.”
“Thanks,” I smiled sweetly at her.
I think she was nervous about my leaving too. She’d been reminding me nonstop that I always had a place to come back to—no questions asked. It was troubling that she seemed so convinced that my choice was a mistake, or that it would end up ill-fated…but I put myself in her shoes and I probably would have said the same things. It’s hard to watch your friends live their lives, especially if you’re not totally backing their choices.
Johnny and Matt went by with my bed, quiet now and without argument. Jenny averted her eyes, glancing down at the floor.
“You okay?” I asked suspiciously.
Jen never backed away from anyone—much less Matt. She talked about him constantly and had obviously developed a bit of a thing for him. Despite their flirtations, nothing had really come of it—no repeats of their one night stand. But the energy between them was different on that particular morning. They hardly said two words to one another and if I didn’t know better, I’d say they were avoiding being in a close proximity.
“Sure,” she forced a truly unpleasant smile.
She reached out to grab a new paper cup from the plastic bag full of them. I watched her closely as she dumped hot coffee into the cup and chugged it like it was whiskey. How she didn’t succumb to third degree burns, I’d never know.
“I’m glad he’s leaving,” she said bitterly.
I tried to hide my confusion but my face gave me away.
“Sorry,” she grumbled.
“Don’t be…I’m just confused.”
She nodded her head from side to side, “I don’t want to burden you with my boy trouble.”
“It isn’t a burden, Jen.”
She pulled her lips to one side, “Can we just talk about it later? This doesn’t seem like a good time to get into it.”
“Sure,” I replied simply.
Jen hardly got into specifics about her personal life ever. She was guarded in that sense. She kept her private life…private. She had very little problem prying into mine, though—which seemed like an unfair tradeoff. But I wished I could be more like her in that way. I wanted the ability to guard my personal affairs and share only the most important details. Instead, I was like an open book.
“Don’t be mad,” Jimmy’s voice interrupted, I looked to find he had his hands by his chest.
I spoke slowly, “Don’t be mad about what?”
“I told you not to let Johnny carry anything,” he told me quickly.
I raised an eyebrow, “You said no such thing.”
“Shit, really?” he half-laughed. “Well I should have! The guy is clumsy as shit. It’s probably because his center of gravity is so close to the ground compared to the rest of the earth’s population…Must make it really difficult to control your hand-eye coordination. His motor skills are—”
“Jimmy,” I snapped. “What did Johnny do?”
He whirled his left hand around in an anxious circle, “He may or may not have dropped your TV.”
“What?” I choked loudly. “When did he even take the TV?”
Jimmy shrugged.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I growled, pushing myself out of the kitchen and tearing out the front door.
The guys were all circled around the shattered black television, as if mourning its death. Johnny took one look at me and deliberately stepped behind Brian.
“Johnny!” I shouted, my hands clenched into fists.
The group looked nervous—which served them right.
When I made it to the TV, I could have cried. There was no repairing the damage—and I certainly did not have the funds to replace it either.
“I’ll buy you a new one,” Johnny offered from behind Brian’s back. “A better one!”
“You better,” I warned in my scariest voice, casting a daring glance in his direction.
Brian laughed, stepping out of the way to better expose his friend, “Dude, if you think I’m going to protect you, you’re tragically naïve.”
“It’s your fault!” Johnny retorted, inching away from us both.
“How the fuck is it my fault?” Brian laughed.
Johnny straightened himself out, “Because, Syn. You were supposed to take the other side, but nooo. Your phone rings and Mr. Important can’t miss a call.”
“It was an important call,” Brian shrugged callously.
“See, Aria?” Johnny turned to me. “Brian should be responsible for half.”
I couldn’t help my grin, “Wait…You couldn’t carry the TV on your own?”
His face fell as the others cracked up.
“I knew you were little,” I teased. “But I didn’t peg you as weak.”
Jimmy cackled loudly, pulling me under his arm.
“You’re all dicks,” Johnny pouted.
“And you’re buying me a new television,” I retorted, shaking my head at the glassy mess on the sidewalk.
“Slave labour,” Johnny grumbled under his breath as he headed back inside for another armload.
At just passed twelve, we’d successfully emptied my house. The guys had taken off to unload my belongings at the storage space and Jenny had fled home. Jimmy had lingered behind to help me clean and take one last walk through. I was officially sad.
“I love this house,” I frowned from behind the mop.
Jimmy was atop my kitchen counter, kicking his legs back and forth, “It’s a pretty good house.”
“The location is good,” I said pointedly.
He laughed, “Yeah, but if you play your cards right, your location could improve substantially.”
“Why do you want to live together?” I asked, ringing the mop out to do one last swipe.
“What a strange question.”
“It’s not that strange,” I shrugged. “You don’t strike me as the moving forward kind of boyfriend.”
He groaned playfully, “Why do you have to make everything into a thing? Can’t we just, fuck…live our lives?”
“No.”
“You’re a headache, you know that?” he teased.
“So you’re not going to answer my question then?” I grumbled, admiring the sparkling floor.
He scoffed, “I’m not validating your weird anxiety, no.”
“It isn’t validating—” I stopped myself, knowing better than to try and outwit Jimmy. “We can fight about it when the time comes, I guess.”
“Or,” he suggested feebly. “Why don’t we just not fight at all?”
I shrugged lazily, “That wouldn’t really be our style…would it?”
“Maybe that should change,” he told me seriously.
“Maybe,” was all I could think to say.
Although I should have waited for the floor to dry, I couldn’t stand in one place any longer. So, I headed through the small house and started collecting my last-minute items and cleaning supplies. Jimmy watched me, unhelping but not in the way either. Once everything was tucked away into bags, I did my last looks.
It was closing a chapter in my book for sure. I’d just started to feel at home in this place and now I was leaving it—the house, Huntington, my adult life…It was all changing so quickly…and Jimmy was at the root of it all. I wanted to think of it as nothing but a blessing but it felt a lot more like a double-edged sword. He was gifting me new opportunities, but he was also ripping my current life to shreds.
It wasn’t really fair to place all of the blame on him…but what would happen if I didn’t concede? I knew the answer and I didn’t like it. But I also knew that was how resentment sprouted…and it had started, despite my best efforts to nip it in the bud.
In a cruel twist of fate, my resentment seemed to be causing Jimmy to resent me, as well. I think he expected me to be unrivaled in my excitement to join him on tour—and was disappointed to find that I wasn’t.
Which wasn’t to say that I wasn’t excited, because I was. But I was hesitant too…and nervous. This plan was going to set me back financially and my career would be put on hold for almost another year. I just hoped that it was worth it.
“Ready to go?” Jimmy asked once I’d walked through the house fifteen times.
I nodded sullenly, “I guess so.”
“You don’t have to give it up, you know,” he told me. “I can cover your rent while we’re gone.”
I shook my head, “That’s sweet…but unnecessary.”
“I don’t want you to hate me,” he said so sadly that my heart nearly broke.
“I could never,” I gasped. “Jimmy…”
He half-smiled, “I’m really glad you’re coming with me…but not if it means you’re going to wake up one day and want to cut me with a knife.”
“I’d use a sharp one at least,” I joked lightly. “You know, make it a little less painful.”
“That’s very thoughtful,” he said seriously.
“I’m not going to hate you,” I assured him, pushing into his personal space. “I love you.”
“For now,” he shrugged. “We should go.”
He was gone.
We were mostly quiet on the drive to Jen’s; he held my hand in his but hardly looked at me. Only six days to go and then we’d be so deep in the midst of it all that there would be no more room for hesitation or pending anxiety. I was looking forward to that most of all.
When we pulled up in front of Jen’s building, Jimmy finally looked over at me.
“Breakfast tomorrow?” he asked.
I’d told him I had wanted the first day at Jenny’s to be dedicated to settling in—and spending time with my only friend before I’d have to leave her. He’d agreed without any argument or disappointment.
“Sure,” I smiled. “I’ll text you later.”
He nodded, stealing a quick kiss from me before unlocking the doors so I could climb out. I watched him drive away before dragging my sad self into Jen’s building and up to her apartment.
She greeted me with more coffee, some real estate show playing loudly from the living room. We plunked onto her couch, half watching TV and half trying to read each other without asking.
“You first,” I said knowingly.
She laughed lightly, “Boys.”
I nodded, “Boys.”
“Everything okay?” she asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
“Yeah…It will be,” I said hopefully. “We’re just being weird about going away. I’m acting like a psycho and he’s being all distant…It’ll be better once we’re on the road.”
She didn’t look convinced but knew better than to push it, so she nodded her head, “It will.”
“Anyway,” I sighed, “you’ve heard enough about my Jimmy’s problems for one lifetime…What’s up with you?”
She huffed, “I think I got ahead of myself…and now I’m drowning in self-pity.”
“I need more information,” I laughed.
“I don’t know, Aria…I guess I kind of thought Matt liked me. Like…actually liked me…But I was wrong.”
“No way,” I argued. “He definitely—”
She stopped me, “He told me we aren’t going to…date…or whatever.”
“What?” I gasped, genuinely shocked—and very confused.
“The other night we hung out,” she told me, her eyes glued to the coffee cup in her hands. “And it seemed like something was going to happen…But instead, he said we needed to talk about what was going on. He said he didn’t want to mislead me.”
She looked so sad that I could hardly bear it. I’d never really seen Jenny blue.
“He said that he liked to spend time with me,” she continued. “But as friends…and that he didn’t want anything more than that…And he didn’t want to repeat what happened at Brian’s party.”
“I…Wow…” I managed through my disbelief.
She finally looked at me, “He said he likes someone else.”
I frowned at her—immediately aware of who had trumped her. She knew it too.
“I’m so sorry, Jen.”
“It’s okay,” she assured me. “But…It’s like I said at the party; you have to watch out for her. She didn’t even mean to steal my guy and she did—just by existing…I wish men wanted me just for existing.”
“They do,” I told her. “You just haven’t found the right one yet.”
“Have you?” she asked with just a hint of callousness.
I nodded weakly, “Yeah, I think so.”
“Just keep him away from Blair.”
“They’re friends,” I told her. “And I trust him…and Blair. It isn’t really her fault that Matt doesn’t want to date you—”
Her jaw dropped, “Harsh.”
“I don’t mean to be,” I rushed in a bit of a panic. “I’m just saying…Jimmy would never choose Blair over me. He wouldn’t chose anyone over me.”
“You’re probably right,” she relented right away. “I guess it’s different when someone loves you.”
It wasn’t always different. My last boyfriend had claimed to love me and he’d had absolutely no problem sleeping around behind my back. While I’d be lying if I said I’d never been nervous about Jimmy slipping up when I wasn’t around—it wasn’t like he’d never have the opportunity—I just couldn’t see him following through with it. I wasn’t sure if he was capable of hurting me on purpose. I liked to believe he wasn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “It’s Matt’s loss.”
She shrugged with a laugh, “I’m obviously just not meant to date the Avenged boys. I’ve tried and struck out with two now!”
I chuckled, shaking my head at her, “Try a different band.”
“Maybe Haven,” she joked. “That guitarist is pretty cute.”
“Yeah,” I said oddly. “He is.”
I wasn’t sure why, but it bothered me to hear her even joke about pursuing him. Immediately, I shut that shit down.
“Their drummer’s cute too,” I told her, accidently not shutting that shit down within myself.
She nodded giddily, “All of them are cute. They’re probably drunk under Blair’s spell too, though.”
“No way,” I argued surely, finally taking my first sip of coffee. “They’re impervious.”
“So everyone’s impervious but Matt, huh?” she snorted. “I sure know how to pick ‘em.”
“And Brian,” I reminded her.
She rolled her eyes, flopping backward with a loud whine, “Point proven!”
I hoped I was right. I hoped Jimmy was impervious.

Notes

RIP, television.

xx