Just Before You Go

When the morning came, neither Jimmy nor I were ready for it. The sun was bright and our heads were pounding with aches of the night before. Our room was an absolute disaster, and the sight of it alone made me nauseous. Jimmy was in and out of sleep, so I slid out of the bed as slowly and quietly as I could. I began tidying, careful to keep my movements soft.
There was blood in the carpet. Part of me wondered who’s blood it was. The other part of me, the logical part of me, was concerned about the cleaning bill we’d be receiving. God knows I had no money to my name—so, I guess that would fall on Jimmy. I felt bad. It was one of those weird moments where a simple stain can make you start thinking about your entire life.
I wasn’t where I wanted to be—metaphysically. In reality, watching Jimmy snooze, I was exactly where I wanted to be.
A knocking at the door instantly stirred my man. He jolted awake, frantically searching the room with dramatic head movements.
“What year is it?” he asked excitedly.
I laughed, shaking my head at him as I made my way to the door and pulled it open.
“Holy—” I stopped myself.
Brian pushed passed me in a huff. He sat at the end of the bed as Jimmy rubbed at his blue eyes. Jimmy grinned when he caught sight of his friend.
“You look great,” Jimmy teased.
Brian’s left eye was bruised as all hell. He had a deep black bag hanging around just below it and his other eye looked to forming something similar.
“That fucking shit broke my nose,” Brian grunted. “It hurts to breathe.”
“Breathe out of your mouth,” Jimmy told him.
I neared Brian, daring to grab his face and pull it in my direction. He looked rough.
“He sucker punched me,” Brian frowned.
My lips curled themselves into a delicate smile, “He did.”
“You’ve heard of dueling guitars,” Jimmy grinned. “But have you heard of dueling guitarists?”
Brian winced as I traced my finger along the bridge of his nose. I pouted.
“You probably need to have this reset,” I told him reluctantly. “When my brother broke his nose, he had to have a doctor snap it back into place. The whole thing was pretty grim.”
Brian shrugged, pulling away from me, “I’ll chug some tequila and pay Zacky twenty bucks to fix it.”
“He’ll do it for free,” Jimmy cackled. “Come here, I’ll do it right now.”
Jimmy lurched at his friend, who immediately stood to evade the attack. Jimmy was grappling for Brian’s face as Brian swatted away his bony fingers.
“Get the fuck away from me,” Brian laughed loudly, giving Jimmy one solid push back onto the bed.
Jimmy furrowed his brows, “But I’m helpful.”
“Is that your blood?” I asked Brian, pointing over to the stained part of the carpet.
He shrugged, “Could be.”
“Day in the life of Synyster Gates,” Jimmy grinned, sinking back into the pillows.
Brian nodded dismissively, “You guys getting ready to go yet or what? Johnny’s bugging to get down to the grounds.”
“I need twenty minutes,” I told him, headed for the bathroom to quickly put myself together.
“Take all the time you need,” Jimmy hollered to me. “We’re going to sit this one out.”
“What?” Brian and I asked together.
Jimmy smiled, “Yeah, man. Aria’s never really seen LA, so…I figure I should probably take her around. Show her what hellions look like.”
“Seriously?” Brian scoffed. “You’re going to skip the festival to…do what, exactly?”
“The bus tour!” Jimmy said happily, throwing the blankets off of his body and hopping up to his feet. “I’d invite you…But I don’t want you to come.”
Brian chuckled quietly, “That’s sweet of you.”
“You seriously want to go site seeing?” I asked Jimmy in disbelief.
He just nodded.
Every so often, Jimmy would do something so thoughtful that it would totally catch me off guard. I’d been prepping for another day of day drinking and fights since the second I opened my eyes. It had never occurred to me that I might actually get to go out and venture around the city. I’d never explored Los Angeles before.
Given my girl crush for Blair Peterson, it was safe to assume that I was easily star struck. So, I was obviously over the moon about the idea of peering out at stars’ homes.
“Go get yourself prettied up,” Jimmy smiled at me, pushing at my butt to get me moving.
I skipped into the bathroom happily, immediately pulling out my entire inventory of makeup.
“Look at you, being a couple and shit,” Brian teased.
Jimmy raised his brows, “Speaking of couples…What exactly did you say to Blair last night?”
“When?” Brian asked stupidly.
“Before Tyler tackled you,” Jimmy grinned at the memory.
Brian shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do!” I called from the bathroom.
He grunted, “It doesn’t matter…”
“How is it even possible to continuously fuck up as often as you do?” Jimmy cackled. “It’s seriously almost impressive at this point.”
“She’s moody, man,” Brian told him defensively. “One second she’s flirty as fuck and the next second she’s crazy guarded. She’s too much work.”
“What did you say to her?” I asked seriously, leaning out of the bathroom to study Brian’s broken face.
He sighed, “Something about her ass for sure.”
“Such a romantic,” Jimmy teased, punching Brian’s shoulder lightly. “A lady killer by every stretch of the word.”
Brian rolled his eyes, “I get it.”
“So, I guess talking to her didn’t seem like a good venue?” I giggled, pulling myself back into the bathroom.
“Can you two get off my back about it already?” Brian growled. “She’s kind of a bitch. I’m over it.”
“Are not,” Jimmy sung like a five year old.
Brian slapped his hands to his knees before climbing to his feet, “I’ve had about enough of this shit for one day. You two have fun doing whatever the fuck you’re doing.”
“Don’t leave angry!” Jimmy called to his friend’s back in his most theatrical voice. “You know I hate it when we fight, Synny!”
“Shut up, Jimmy,” Brian called back, slamming the door shut behind him.
Jimmy shrugged at me. Our devious plan to set Brian up with, who I was sure was, his soulmate was proving to be a serious challenge.
Brian had taken a couple punches to the face in support of his crush on this woman—but hadn’t figured out yet how to simply be a person to her. But she’d been trying to work him out the night before, and that told me that she was—at the very least—somewhat interested.
A big chunk of my heart wanted to see Brian happy. I wasn’t sure that I ever had. Jimmy had assured me that Brian could be a genuinely great person when put into the right circumstances. Maybe some lady love was all he’d need to soothe his broken heart…and face.
“I don’t think they’re going to ever get together,” I frowned at Jimmy.
He laughed, coming up behind me and wrapping his long arms around my waist, “Maybe they’re not meant to be.”
“They are,” I insisted. “I know it.”
He nuzzled into my neck, “Maybe she’ll just climb on Matt’s dick and Shair can live forever.”
“She said they didn’t hook up,” I told him seriously, carefully pulling my mascara brush through my lashes. “And Matt said the same thing.”
“You’re really cute when you’re trying to play Cupid,” he grinned up at me, planting a couple of soft kisses up my neck.
I frowned, “I’m not good at it.”
“Don’t worry,” he smiled devilishly. “I have a plan.”
He kissed me once more before disappearing from the bathroom. He waltzed by, flashing his cell phone at me before stepping into the hall. I wasn’t sure what he was up to, but when it came to Jimmy, you could be sure that it was something half-assed and entirely wily.
Once Jimmy returned and I’d changed into something less sweaty than my pajamas, we headed out into the world. Jimmy spent the first twenty minutes dicking around with his phone before eventually pulling me down the crowded streets and to a weird looking bus stop.
“It’s a hop on, hop off tour,” he told me excitedly, his giant sunglasses hiding most of his face. “Which is, really, the only way to properly see LA.”
We managed to get two seats on the top of the double decker bus, the breeze flowing through our hair to relieve us from the otherwise unbearable California heat.
Our bus took a trip through Rodeo Drive, and eventually up to some celebrity homes. When we neared Marilyn Monroe’s house, I was giddy with anticipation. I strained my neck to peer as far into the property as possible.
“You like Marilyn Monroe?” Jimmy asked me curiously.
I nodded, “She was beautiful. How could anyone not love her?”
“Are you sure you’re playing for the right team with me?” he teased.
“For sure,” I winked. “You’re just feminine enough for me.”
He gasped, clasping at his chest in mock hurt. I kissed him quickly to force forgiveness, which he happily granted.
Our tour continued and I wished that I’d had the foresight to bring a camera. I’d snapped a couple of low quality pictures on my phone, but that was really all I could manage.
Jimmy had insisted we take a picture together—on his phone, since it’s camera was substantially better than mine.
“We’re hopping off at the next stop,” he told me with a sly grin.
I was elated to find ourselves outside of Madame Tussauds wax museum. Jimmy quickly paid for our tickets and practically shoved me inside. His eyes were darting around nervously while we were on the street. I’d assumed he was anxious about being recognized while we were supposed to be doing the regular tourist thing.
It was dim inside and surprisingly unpopulated. We meandered around, admiring the realness of each celebrity set out before us.
“Do you think they’ll ever turn you into wax?” I asked my famous beloved.
He scoffed.
And then I spotted her. In her waxy glory, there was my Marilyn. I rushed to her, painstakingly in awe of her beauty—even if it was reimagined. It was the closest thing I’d ever get to seeing her in the flesh.
“I had no idea you loved her so much,” Jimmy smiled. “You’re just full of surprises.”
“After the Seven Year Itch, how could anyone not fall totally in love?” I gushed. “Look at how stunning she was.”
He shook his head, “She doesn’t hold a candle to you.”
I blushed hard, “Don’t flatter me, Mr. Sullivan.”
“It’s the truth,” he insisted happily. “You’re easily the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
I knew that wasn’t true, but I appreciated the lie anyway.
“This has been the best day of my life,” I told him more seriously than I meant to. “I’ve never done anything like this.”
“Good,” he smiled triumphantly, taking my hands and pulling me away from Ms. Monroe. “I like to see you happy.”
“I would have been happy anywhere,” I gushed. “We really didn’t need to skip the festival.”
He waved me off, “We can go later if we feel so inclined. For now, though, I just want to enjoy the day with my girl.”
“You know,” I smirked. “I never would have pegged you for a romantic.”
“Why not?” he asked curiously.
I shrugged my shoulders, “Looks can be deceiving, I guess.”
A woman and her young daughter stepped near us, admiring the Marilyn just at our backs. I wasn’t totally done admiring it yet, though, so I stepped to their right to join them.
Jimmy just laughed.
“Excuse me?” I asked the stranger lady quietly. “Could you take a picture for me?”
She smiled at me, “Sure!”
“Jimmy, give her your phone,” I instructed him in hushed tones.
He reluctantly obliged, the little girl’s eyes studying him closely. I could appreciate that Jimmy was probably interesting to look at for a young child. He was dressed in all black, his arms covered from end to end in ink—colours and blacks alike. His hair cut short in the back but hanging long by his perfect face. He was intriguing at the very least.
Jimmy and I leaned in on either side of Marilyn, smiling cheekily for my requested picture. She snapped it quickly and handed Jimmy back his phone. Her eyes lingered on him for a second, a quick flash of recognition triggering in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry to be this person,” she smiled softly. “But are you…Oh, gee…What’s your name…The Rev…? Is that right?”
The little girl was nodding at her enthusiastically. So, maybe it wasn’t because Jimmy was a freak after all.
“That’s me,” Jimmy replied happily.
“Could I get a picture?” she managed through her excitement. “My son just loves your band. He has posters of you boys all over his room. You’re his favourite!”
My heart was swelling. What a touching sentiment. And Jimmy did not disappoint.
“Of course!” he beamed, pulling her into his long arm as she fumbled to get out her camera.
Her daughter took the first picture, but I offered to take a second so that the young girl could get in on the action too. Jimmy signed their wax museum pamphlet for her son as she thanked him over and over again.
“He’s going to be so upset that he didn’t come along!” she told us. “We told him he should, but he said he had better things to do. Funny.”
“Does he have a cell?” Jimmy asked casually.
She nodded with great uncertainty.
“Give him a call,” he told her. “I don’t mind saying a quick hello.”
“Are you serious?” she gasped.
She quickly dialed a number on her phone, holding it up to her ear giddily.
“Hey,” she said quietly. “There’s someone here that wants to say hello to you.”
She passed the phone to Jimmy, who snatched it up right away and then turned away from the group, taking a few steps away for added privacy.
The woman looked absolutely floored—her daughter had moved on to better things.
“He is such a wonderful person,” she gushed at me.
I nodded, “He is.”
“What’s his real name?” she asked with a laugh. “Or is it…The Rev…?”
“James,” I told her. “Or Jimmy.”
She seemed pleased.
“I might just have to go and buy one of his albums for myself now,” she told me with a wink.
Jimmy returned, handing the phone back to the woman who was still thanking him up and down. He waved her off, assuring her it was no big deal. They left us eventually but Jimmy was anxious to get out. So, we did. I’d seen Marilyn, so I couldn’t complain.
And I’d seen Jimmy be a truly perfect human being. I think I loved him more then than I’d ever imagined I could ever love someone.
“So, I was talking to Larry earlier,” he told me as we headed back into the street.
I waited for him to continue.
“You’re still coming on the tour right?” he asked me oddly. “You didn’t change your mind overnight?”
I giggled quietly, “No, I didn’t change my mind overnight.”
“Would it change anything if I told you that we, uh…We’re not going in October?”
My chest fell a little, “When are you going?”
He cringed, looking to me nervously, “Next…month…”
“What?” I demanded, feeling like the rug was being pulled out from beneath me.
“Well, I did say that October was tentative,” he laughed. “We’re almost done recording, Larry thinks it’ll be out by early June at the latest…He’s itching to get us on the road before that, though.”
I was processing. Slowly, but I was processing. I’d already made the executive decision to quit my job once the tour had approached, but that plan was for months into the future. Financially, I wasn’t sure that I could swing it in a month. How would I afford my rent while I was gone? How would I afford to eat on the road? October would have given me an extra seven-ish months to save up…I wasn’t sure it was a feasible plan.
“Well, shit,” I managed in defeat.
“I know it isn’t exactly ideal,” Jimmy frowned. “But I don’t exactly get a say in it…”
“I know,” I nodded solemnly. “It’s just…I don’t know.”
He clenched his jaw.
“I can’t, Jimmy,” I pouted with great heartbreak. “I can’t swing that right now—I hardly have two pennies to rub together as it is, you know? That just…isn’t enough time to get my things in order.”
He was sad and I could tell.
“Maybe I could join later,” I suggested weakly. “Once I’ve got a bit more money saved up, you know?”
“Maybe,” he shrugged lamely.
“Or maybe you could come home on—”
He shook his head, “We really don’t get much time off…It’s usually not practical to come home on the days off. I could probably swing one trip back…But…”
“But you don’t want to,” I finished for him.
He shrugged oddly.
We were interrupted by the bus pulling up. We climbed aboard, awkward with one another now. I wasn’t sure what months apart would look like for us. Could we weather that kind of pressure?
My heart was burdened with regret…and a longing for things to be different for us. But this is what our life would always be like. He’d always be gone and I’d always be left in his wake. What kind of life was that? How could I ever aspire to become anything on my own if I was always moving to the beat of Jimmy’s drum?
In a split second, absolute panic set in.
“Jimmy,” I croaked, stopping dead in my tracks. “I don’t…I don’t think I can do this.”
He whipped around, reaching out for me as I backed off the bus, despite the copious amounts of people trying to board. He chased me off the bus, nearly trampling me as he jumped off just as the bus pulled away.
“What was that?” he asked daringly. “You can’t do what?”
I swallowed my heart, “This.”
He gestured back and forth between us, “This?”
I nodded grimly.
“Where the fuck is that coming from?” he demanded angrily. “So, what? My plan got moved up a bit…now you’re ready to bail?”
“I don’t know what to say…It’s just—”
“How do you go from full-on committing to come along to suddenly wanting to back out of the relationship entirely?” he managed, that lisp of his strong. “You don’t make any fucking sense.”
“This obviously isn’t a shocking thing for you,” I retorted emotionally. “Your life shifts in an instant and it’s just whatever to you. To me, Jimmy, it’s a big deal! There’s no stability in that! You don’t even seem to care!”
“Why should I?” he asked seriously. “This is my job, Aria. This is what I do. I’m sort of at the mercy of other people here. I can’t not go because my girlfriend doesn’t like the time signature.”
My jaw fell a little.
“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “But it’s true.”
“I thought I could do the rock star thing,” I told him sheepishly. “I was willing to quit my job for you—”
“Your job?” he scoffed. “Waiting on tables in someone else’s business? Yeah, what an illustrious career to leave behind.”
I gasped, “Fuck you, you elitist snob.”
“I’m hardly an elitist,” he retorted smugly. “But you’re making it sound like I’m an asshole asking you to give up this dream job for me. That isn’t the case. I’m not asking you to give up shit. You made that choice on your own, Aria.”
“I don’t know how to be stable,” I told him seriously. “I’m freaking out.”
He nodded, “I see that.”
My mind was racing a mile a minute.
“Is this all it will be?” I asked, completely exasperated. “You’ll tour? You’ll travel the world? What will I do, Jimmy? How will I support myself?”
“What do you mean?” he asked with his eyes narrowed. “You’ll come with me—”
“What kind of life is that?” I nearly began to cry. “It seemed like a good idea when it was in the future—But…a month from now? I’m not ready for that! I’m not financially capable of leaving my life in a month.”
Jimmy shrugged dramatically with a sigh, “This is what my life is, Aria. This is it. I thought you were cool with it—”
“I was,” I argued. “I am…No, I’m not. I don’t know.”
He was shaking his head.
“How can we build a life on this foundation?” I asked seriously. “If you’re always touring, how can we ever have children? How will we find the time to make a marriage—”
“Woah,” he roared loudly, stopping my rant dead. “I thought I was clear about that whole marriage shit, Aria. I don’t…I don’t want that.”
“Ever?” I choked.
“We’ve been together for five minutes,” he told me coldly. “So I think that the baby talk is a little premature.”
“You never want to get married? Ever?” I reiterated, moving passed my foot in mouth syndrome.
He sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He knew what I knew. If he told me the truth, everything was ruined. If he lied, I’d spend my life waiting. Waiting for something that would never come.
He finally spoke, “No.”
What had been the best day of my life had immediately twisted itself into the worst. Have you ever started out a series of events, naïve to how bad they could get? Then, all you want to do is to go back in time and take it back.
I wanted to go back and take it back. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have gotten on the bus and dealt with the semantics of it all later.
“I don’t…I don’t know what to do with that,” I told him, my heart breaking apart in my chest.
He frowned, “I thought you understood…”
I should have. But I was naïve. I thought he’d change his mind. I honestly thought that I could change his mind.
There were no words.
“Where does this leave us?” he asked me bravely.
I just shook my head.
He stepped toward me, taking my hands into his, “Aria, I really, really love you. But…I’m not going to make you stay with me if this isn’t what you want. I won’t manipulate you into living a life that you’re not comfortable with…If I can’t give you what you want…”
There was my time machine.
“You’re what I want,” I told him in a whisper.
He flinched.
“I just need…time…” I continued, wiping at my tears with the back of my sleeve. “To figure it out…I’m sorry that I’m freaking out. I don’t, um…I don’t do well with change.”
“I see that,” he tried to smile.
“I love you too,” I told him. “But I’m confused.”
“Can we go back to the hotel?” he asked me desperately. “We can talk about this all night if you want…”
I shook my head, “I don’t want to talk about it. I think we’ve said enough.”
“So now what?” he asked awkwardly.
I took a big girl breath and pushed away my hard feelings, “Let’s go to the festival. I could use a drink.”
He looked seriously unsure.
“Let’s go,” I insisted. “This is too heavy…I just want to have a good day.”
But I was sure that was shot.

Notes

Street fights are my favourite.

xx