Just Before You Go

The rest of the weekend flew by in a flash. It was full of work mostly, and a little Jimmy sprinkled around. Once I was back into my routine, I was starting to feel really foolish about the activities I’d been participating in.
I swear, when I was alone, I knew what I was doing. I knew exactly who I was. But when I was with Jimmy…I wanted to be someone else. I needed to be. I wasn’t interesting or creative; not like the other people in his life. What was I? A bartender. Sure, I had a couple degrees…what had they gotten me?
No one would hire me. My parents were judgmental of it, which only made me feel worse. I’d be stuck stocking beer fridges for the rest of my life, it seemed.
When I really started to think about it, bursts of anxiety would creep in—they’d scream at me that I’m a failure. That everyone had invested so much into me…and I’d let them all down.
Jimmy hushed those voices. I’d experimented with his drugs as a means to try and understand him better—understand why he was so gripped by them. But what had happened was actual relief. It was a risky game I was playing. I knew it.
And when I was alone, I was afraid of what I’d been doing.
But the next night I’d be back in the swing of things—trying to fucking live a little.
Before I knew it, my parents Christmas party had crept up. Jimmy had spent the night with me, and to my surprise had come completely sober. I was relieved—the temptation removed. Plus, I really enjoyed coherent Jimmy.
“Am I supposed to bring a gift or something?” he asked me as I applied mascara to my eyelashes.
“You? No,” I smiled at him through the mirror.
I loved to watch him. He was laying upside down on my couch, his head barely above the floor, his legs folded over the top of the couch. His face had started to beat red from the blood rush. But he stayed that way anyway.
He was really fucking weird.
“Are they nice?” he asked me. “Are they going to hate me? More importantly, will they throw rocks at me?”
I nodded once, “Yes, Jimmy. They’re going to throw rocks at you. Tomatoes too, if they have them.”
“I knew it,” he grumbled.
“We have to go soon,” I told him, poking my head out of the bathroom. “Are you ready?”
Considering he didn’t have a shirt on, I hoped he wasn’t ready. He gave me a wide-eyed, obviously I’m ready kind of face.
“You need to wear a shirt,” I smirked, ducking back into the bathroom.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous—but Luke had promised he’d field any judgmental outbursts. I was glad Luke had taken a liking to Jimmy—though, that was probably partly because of Grace.
Jimmy tumbled backwards off the couch, landing really sloppily. I could tell he was dizzy once he climbed back up to his feet. He reached into the little black bag he’d brought and pulled out a change of clothes.
I directed my attention to my own wardrobe. I’d picked out a cute little dark red cocktail dress for the occasion. I rarely had an opportunity to wear my nicer pieces—that was one string benefit of attending my parents’ soiree.
“It doesn’t hide my neck tattoo…” Jimmy pouted at me.
I turned around and instantly melted. He looked so sweet in his button-up shirt and black jeans. He’d made an effort to not look like the Rev. He’d even flattened the backside of his head for the occasion.
I smiled, running my hands over his chest, “I think you look perfect.”
“But they’re fancy people, aren’t they?” he frowned. “I’m going to be like Frankenstein crashing their party.”
“No you’re not,” I smirked. “I like your neck tattoo. Makes you look like you were in prison; just an added bonus they’re handcuffs.”
“What is wrong with you?” he laughed quietly.
I shrugged, “Nothing a little lovin’ can’t fix.”
“We don’t have time for that,” he rushed me. “We have to go. We only have until midnight before our horses turn back into rats.”
“I think they were mice…”
“You’re right, Aria, that’s the important part,” he teased, kissing me quickly on the forehead and then dashing to the door. “Are you coming or what?”
As we neared his car, I knew better than to assume. He looked at me weirdly when he realized I wasn’t getting in.
“You’re not…” I paused. “You’re sober, right?”
He rolled his eyes, “Yes, Mother.”
“Oh, stop,” I laughed.
“Get in the fucking car,” he instructed me seriously before ducking his head down.
Maybe he was irritated by my asking, but I wasn’t wrong to inquire.
Jimmy was nervous, I could tell. But he hid it well for my benefit. I directed him coolly, trying not to play into how nervous I was.
“You look beautiful by the way,” Jimmy smiled.
We pulled up to my parents’ house just after seven. There were cars lining both sides of the street. This was going to be like a Minnesota party; this was going to be big.
Sure enough, there were people scattered all over my parents’ home. Granted, this was nothing like the last few parties I’d attended. No, this was my world. This was how I’d grown up.
Jimmy towered over everyone, which only brought more attention to him. He tried to cower behind me.
A man by the door took our coats. That was new. I could tell Jimmy was already thinking what snobs my family must be…He wasn’t really wrong. I was a bit of a black sheep.
“Luke!” I shouted happily, grabbing Jimmy by the arm and pulling him to the corner my brother had tucked himself into.
“You’re here,” Luke breathed with relief. “And you brought Jimmy! How’s it going, man?”
“It’s really stiffy in here,” Jimmy said awkwardly.
Luke just laughed, “It is, yeah. My parents certainly like to do things formally.”
“Where’s Grace?” I asked curiously. “She didn’t bail, did she?”
“She’s with Mom,” he groaned. “She wanted to give her the tour. She’s thrilled to meet her.”
“So she’s in a good mood?”
Luke shrugged.
Before I was ready, or nearly wine drunk enough, my father was headed for us. My heart began to panic.
I turned to Jimmy, “Just…nod along.”
He looked confused but there was no time to explain.
“Aria,” my father smiled, extending his arms as an invitation. “I’m so happy you’re here. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to pull yourself away from that job of yours.”
Subtle, Dad.
“I’m here,” I said awkwardly, pulling away from him. “And I’ve brought someone.”
“You have?” my dad sounded surprised.
“Dad,” I said, taking a step beside Jimmy, “This is…James.”
Jimmy looked at me quickly before extending his hand to my dad. My dad looked hesitant but shook it anyway.
“It’s nice to meet you,” my father said politely.
But his façade was quickly over as he turned to my brother and got into conversation with him, slowly but surely turning his back to Jimmy and I and eventually severing us from the group. I tried not to let it hurt my feelings—but it did.
“We should get a drink,” I tried to smile.
Jimmy just nodded. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so quiet. Regret was reigning supreme; I never should have subjected him to this. We were ten minutes in and he was already made a mute.
“Something strong?” I asked knowingly once I’d gotten a hold of the booze.
“Just give it to me straight,” he joked.
I think he was joking.
I passed him a drink and I downed mine. I poured another to cover my tracks.
“Having a good time?” Jimmy teased.
I sighed, “Oh, yeah.”
Just as we were exiting the kitchen, I walked straight into my mother. She nearly spilled her drink.
“Oh shit, sorry!” I gasped.
“Language, Honey,” she giggled. “I didn’t see you come in.”
“I used the bathroom window.”
She scowled at me briefly, “I was just showing Grace here around—”
Then she caught sight of Jimmy. His neck tattoo and all. She looked horrified—and confused. I could tell she was trying to place him. So, before she volunteered herself to look like an asshole, I stepped in to save her.
“Mom, this is Jimmy,” I told her happily. “My boyfriend.”
“Your what?” she said quickly, her eyes snapping to me.
“My boyfriend,” I said again.
“Hello,” she said uncomfortably, doing a whole lot of weird blinking.
Grace smiled at Jimmy, waving sheepishly.
“How are you, Jimmy?” Grace asked pleasantly.
“I’m fine, thanks,” he replied quietly.
My mother looked from Jimmy to Grace, “You’ve met?”
“Last time I was in town,” Grace smiled. “We spent a little time with Aria and Jimmy.”
My mother was doing the math in her head.
Grace tried to help me out, “You know, you should show Jimmy the new addition. He’s really into music so I’m sure—”
My mother interrupted, “No, that’s alright. It’s just another room. I’m sure it would only bore him.”
So, I know that I’d anticipated my parents being, well, dicks to Jimmy…but watching them do it and watching Jimmy’s face—I couldn’t have prepared myself enough. It was conflicting. I loved my parents…but I really cared for Jimmy too. I wasn’t sure who’s side to jump onto.
For the time being, it was Jimmy’s.
“So what do you do, Jimmy?” my mother asked, stumbling over his name.
His hands were shaking, “I’m a drummer.”
“A drummer,” she repeated.
He nodded, “Yeah. I’m the drummer for a successful metal band.”
“Is that right?” she said flatly, looking only at me. “That must be…interesting.”
“It is,” he said, his lisp really flaring up with his nerves. “We get to see the world, meet all kinds of people…”
“Great,” she interrupted. “If you’ll excuse me.”
She left—Grace looked just as horrified as I did. Jimmy looked embarrassed.
“They’re pleasant tonight,” Grace joked.
I took Jimmy’s hand and gave it a squeeze. He looked at me and then away. He was anxious—it was obvious.
Grace smiled sympathetically at us before excusing herself to join Luke. Jimmy finished his drink in one big gulp.
“Aria, I don’t mean to be an asshole, but do you mind if I take off?” Jimmy asked nervously. “I’m obviously not meant to be here…I don’t want to ruin your Christmas with your family.”
“You’re not ruining anything,” I said seriously. “If you want to go, we can go.”
“You stay,” he insisted, stepping away from me.
“Jimmy,” I sighed. “I want to be with you tonight. Can you go grab our coats? I’ll just say goodbye to my parents—I’ll tell them I’m not feeling well.”
He looked like he wanted to argue but he didn’t. The second he vanished, I marched off in my mother’s direction. I expected this kind of outward behavior from my father—but not so much from my mother. I grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away from her conversation, shoving her into the office just on the other side of the front entrance. I’d missed Jimmy in my movement, much to my relief.
“Aria,” she scolded.
“What the shit,” I said flatly.
She rolled her eyes, “Language!”
“Mom,” I whined. “Why were you so rude to him?”
“This is hardly the time to talk about this.”
“Mom,” I insisted. “I know he looks a little different but—”
“Aria,” she said so sternly that it immediately gathered my attention. “Did you not notice everyone staring at him? My colleagues? Your father’s superiors? Have you seen him?”
“Of course I’ve seen him,” I sighed sadly.
“You cannot date that boy,” she told me firmly. “He is not the one for you.”
“Why is that?” I asked excitedly. “Because he looks a little different? He’s really sweet, Mom. And he’s really sweet to me.”
Leaving out all of his indiscretions, obviously. But those were seemingly a thing of the past anyway.
“Aria,” she insisted, “you were raised to a certain…standard. Are you going through a phase? You can tell me if you are.”
“A phase?” I questioned her seriously.
She nodded, “You’re working in a bar…All night—not even a nice bar. And now you’ve brought home this…boy. Who has metal in his face and a tattoo around his entire neck.”
She looked like she might faint from the very mention of it.
“Surely this is a phase, honey,” she told me, trying to touch at my arm affectionately.
I stepped away.
“So, what?” I breathed. “Because he has some tattoos, I’m not allowed to date him? I’m not a child anymore, Mother. You don’t get to dictate who I spend my time with.”
“He is not allowed in my home,” she said, dropping all veils of decency now. “It’s about the way you look when you’re with certain people, Aria. Don’t you want people to take you seriously? Don’t you want to be respected? What kind of life are you trying to live with that boy? I don’t understand what you’re trying to do here.”
“He makes me happy,” I tried, feeling a little emotional now.
She huffed, “Happiness is relative. Anyone can make you happy, Aria.”
“No,” I argued. “Not like he does. Mom, he’s—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” she insisted. “You cannot date that boy.”
“Well,” I pursed my lips, “I’m really disappointed that you feel that way. I have to say, I expected some judgement from you…but I’m telling you that he means something to me. He makes me better. He makes me really, really happy. That isn’t good enough for you? It’s all about the way he looks? I’ll tell you, Mom; I like the way he looks.”
“It’s a phase—”
“If you say that word to me one more time, I swear I will hit you,” I warned her seriously.
She gasped, “What has gotten into you? This is not the way my daughter was raised to behave.”
“Don’t worry,” I smiled. “I’m leaving.”
As I headed for the door, my mother was relentless, “Take that creature with you.”
With a big, deep breath, I moved on without saying another word. I didn’t want to say something to her that I couldn’t take back later. Despite her obvious shortcomings, I did still love and respect her. Though, at that particular moment, it was fleeting.
To my horror, Jimmy was waiting just on the other side. His big blue eyes looked to be in a state of disrepair.
“Come on,” I sighed, grabbing his hand and leading him out of the house.
As we walked to his car, he was silent.
“How much did you hear?” I asked.
He shrugged, “A bit.”
“Look, I’m sure that she didn’t mean—”
“Aria,” Jimmy sort of laughed, “You think I’ve never heard that shit before? I’ve heard it my entire life. I really don’t care. I’m just…kinda bummed your parents hated me so much.”
“They didn’t hate you,” I tried. “This has just been—Fuck. Can we go home please? Whoever’s home, I don’t care.”
“Can we get drunk first?” Jimmy smirked.
I nodded, “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

Notes

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