Just Before You Go

“Girl, please,” Jenny snickered, expertly swinging an empty box just above me head and maneuvering around me. “You know you want to go; why are you even pretending you don’t?”
I shrugged.
“Just go! Have a good time, meet some fam,” she insisted. “You’re going to feel like shit if you don’t.”
“Is it wrong to go to his Christmas but not invite him to mine?”
She looked at me weirdly, “You’re not inviting him to your parents’?”
I shook my head, “No…”
“I’m so confused,” she laughed. “Aren’t you dating? Isn’t that what dating people do? They bum each other out by inviting them to respective holiday gatherings. That’s what I’ve heard at least.”
“I don’t know if we’re dating,” I said absently. “I guess we’re dating. Am I secretly sixteen?”
“Yes,” she nodded once. “But it isn’t a secret.”
“If you want my opinion,” a complete stranger at the bar spoke up.
Jen and I both looked to him in shock.
“If you like a boy, you should bring him home,” the man smiled happily.
“My parents are…The guy is…” I sighed. “Did you want another beer?”
Jen giggled to herself, shaking her head at me as I continued to fixate on my problem. Maybe I was being dramatic—maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe Jimmy could handle my family.
But did I want to subject him to it? Did I want to feed him to the wolves?
I groaned loudly to myself.
“Here’s my advice,” Jen said finally. “First of all, maybe establish whether or not you’re actually together—that would be a good place to start.”
I grumbled inaudibly.
“He’s going to have to meet them eventually, Aria,” she told me thoughtfully.
I scowled, “How do you figure?”
She shrugged, “If you decide to spend your time with Jimmy…and it gets serious…What are you going to do, never introduce him to your parents? Act like you’re single…forever?”
The stranger man with all of the opinions was nodding along.
“She has a point,” he told me.
I pointed a finger at him, “You stay out of this.”
He just laughed.
“How will you invite them to your huge wedding if they don’t even know about him?” Jen teased. “Maybe you should just rip off the Band-Aid, Aria. Or, maybe, they’ll meet him and they’ll be awful and they’ll scare you straight.”
I rolled my eyes, “We’re done talking about this now.”
Every single time that Jen and I would get into conversations about Jimmy, she’d be great for a while….but it never took long for her to fall back into her hesitation about him. She had no problem reminding me, daily, of all of the things Jimmy had done—and how she was sure he’d do them all again.
Even if she was right, I didn’t care.
To: James
Can I come by after work?
I shoved my phone back into my purse and got to work.
Six hours later, I was freed from the bar. My feet hurt and my back ached, but the excitement of seeing Jimmy was enough to sooth my woes. He’d responded with a simple ‘sure’—which was less joyous of a response than I’d hoped for but…
As I paid the cab driver, I told myself that I seriously needed to invest in a new car. My financial statement said otherwise but I was so tired of pissing money away on taxis.
The lights were all off at Jimmy’s and I was a little nervous he’d fallen asleep. I knocked at the door but no one came. I knocked again—no answer.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I mumbled to myself, pulling my phone out.
To: James
Where are you?
I pulled my sweater tighter around my chest as I waited for a reply—either through the phone or at the door. I couldn’t help the nagging feeling that I’d been through this before—truthfully, I figured Jimmy was vanishing again.
From: James
Sorry. Five minutes.
I rolled my eyes. I knew that I should leave. I should bolt now before he gets here and makes me weak all over again. But, I was already weak. I’d lost all of my sense since I’d met him—I hardly recognized myself anymore.
So, I waited. Like a fucking puppy.
He came walking up the street nearly twenty minutes later. His eyes were wide and the look of him made me take a few steps back.
“Sorry,” was all he said as he unlocked the door and led me inside.
He flicked on all the lights—scowling at them as he did. It made me think of a vampire and the way they hiss at the sunlight. I almost smiled.
“So what’re you doing here?” he asked me finally.
I shrugged, “Just wanted to see you.”
He nodded absently.
“How high are you right now?” I asked knowingly, slowly lowering myself onto the very edge of his couch.
“I’m not,” he said but I knew he was full of shit.
I challenged him, “Jimmy.”
He sighed loudly, “What difference does it make?”
My eyes widened a little at his outburst, “I just thought—”
“I had a slip up,” he said reluctantly. “Sorry.”
His apology didn’t sound sincere at all.
But, in my new form, I didn’t even fucking care.
“Okay,” was all I said.
He sat across from me, sizing me up. Maybe he’d assumed that I’d jet if he told me the truth—maybe he’d learned a lesson about lying to me though. Looking at him, I could have cried. I’d like to say that this wasn’t the Jimmy I knew—but it was. That was heartbreaking all on its own merit.
“How was work?” Jimmy asked, trying to change the subject.
I shrugged, “Busy.”
He wouldn’t look at me. That was the frustrating part of everything.
“Jimmy?” I asked, trying to elicit his attention away from his thoughts.
He still didn’t look at me.
“Jimmy, what’s wrong?” I tried. “If you didn’t want me to come over, you could have just—”
“It isn’t that,” he interrupted lowly. “I always want you here.”
“Then why won’t you look at me?”
He took a deep breath and finally met my gaze. It didn’t last long though.
“I fucking hate this,” he said, almost inaudibly.
“Hate what?”
He looked up at me again, “That I’m all fucked up while you’re here. I’m a fucking idiot.”
“It’s fine,” I lied.
“You don’t deserve this,” he grumbled. “You deserve someone who can keep their shit together.”
“Stop deciding my worth,” I snarled. “I’m so, so tired of hearing about what I deserve.”
He looked defeated, “It’s the truth, Aria. You told me not to lie to you—so, I’m not. You’re too good for me. Everybody thinks so.”
“I don’t fucking care what everybody thinks,” I insisted. “Is what I think not important?”
He just blinked at me.
“You’re supposed to be a lawyer,” he continued. “You’re not supposed to be slumming around with some fucking junkie.”
“You’re not a junkie,” I said seriously.
He rolled his eyes.
Because I was impulsive—or maybe just because I’m a fucking idiot, I made a split-second decision. I knew I needed to level the playing field. I was tired of Jimmy feeling inadequate to me; if anyone was inadequate, it was obvious who that was. The fact that he couldn’t see it was both adorable and infuriating.
Since he couldn’t be low…
“I want to get high,” I told him seriously.
He scrunched his face with a scoff, “No, you don’t.”
“Yes I do,” I insisted flatly. “I want to know what all the fuss is about.”
“Aria,” he said suspiciously. “No.”
“Yes,” I said again, almost laughing this time.
“You make no sense,” he told me. “You want me to be clean but now you want to be fucked up with me? I don’t get it.”
“Stop trying to understand me, Mr. Sullivan,” I teased, moving myself across the floor closer to him. “And let me try and understand you.”
“It isn’t a good idea,” he insisted.
I shrugged, “I don’t care.”
Jimmy looked sad. Which seemed strange. Shouldn’t he be the world’s most understanding and encouraging person when it comes to drug intake? He had no problem pushing the booze on me.
So what was the difference?
“And what is it that you think you’d like to take?” Jimmy asked me sarcastically.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “What do you have?”
Jimmy laughed and it deeply unsettled me.
“I still don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said as he meandered away from me.
He disappeared for a minute, which gave me a chance to rethink my decision. But I didn’t.
“Pick one,” he said when he came back.
He was holding little bags in each hand. Both were full to the brim with white powder. For someone who was supposed to be trying to quit—
I told myself it didn’t matter.
“Should I ask what they are?” I smirked.
“Nothing too intense,” he told me seriously. “I’ll take care of you.”
“I can trust you?” I asked, suddenly nervous.
His face flinched.
“I won’t let you die,” he half-laughed. “If that’s what you mean.”
I pointed to the one on the right, “That one.”
He stuffed the other into his front pocket, and dumped a small amount of the other onto the table. He looked at me worriedly.
“You’re sure you want to do this?” he asked me concernedly.
“What do I do?” I asked, my hands shaking from the nerves.
He smiled a little, “Demonstration?”
I just nodded.
I watched as Jimmy bent himself over the table and effectively made the little line disappear. He wiped at his nose, blinking hard a couple of times.
It took me a second to prepare myself—but then I followed.
It had taken more convincing for me to try a fucking cigarette. I’d bitched and moaned and declined until eventually I was talked into taking a puff. And that was with people I’d known my whole life.
I’d known Jimmy for five whole minutes and was already diving head-first into his world. The world I thought he was trying to climb out of.
I had no control when it came to him.
After a few minutes, I spoke, “I don’t feel anything.”
He laughed, “Which one did you pick?”
He looked to the bag and then pulled the other from his pocket. He smiled, stuffing them both into his jeans.
“Yeah, it’ll take a bit,” he shrugged.
But he was watching me intently. I wasn’t sure if it was fascination, pride, excitement, or concern. Jimmy was almost impossible to read under the best of circumstances.
He pulled me to my feet and then out into the backyard. We sunk into the lawn, staring up at the starless sky. We stayed that way all night.
After a while of laying in silence, I couldn’t help but notice how very serene I had become. My body felt light and effortless to live. I felt like my head was stuck inside of a cloud—but I really didn’t mind. It was kind of nice.
“I think I’m high,” I said uncertainly. “Am I high?”
He laughed, pulling me onto his chest, “I don’t know.”
“What did I take?” I asked him, looking up into his beautiful blue eyes. “Wait, don’t tell me.”
He squinted, “It’s a member of the opioid family. That suffice you?”
“Don’t tell anybody,” I said then. “It has to be our secret.”
He just nodded.
“I guess I get it,” I sighed. “Why you like this.”
He looked away from me and back at the starless night. I turned my head, listening then to his heartbeat. Something that reminded me he was here with me—this was real. And this was my life.
“Jimmy?”
He hummed, “Hmm?”
“Are you my boyfriend?” I asked with a dumb smile on my dumb face.
He snickered, “What are you, six?”
“No,” I smirked. “That would be Do you like me? Yes? No? Maybe?”
He scoffed, “Apparently you’re too good for love notes now? What kind of six year old are you anyway?”
“I’d like you to be,” I said lightly, turning to look at him. “My boyfriend I mean. Without having to pass you a folded note.”
He looked at me with sorrow in his baby blues. It didn’t really make sense to me at the time. But he kissed my forehead, squinting a little.
“I’m whatever you want, Aria,” he said quietly.
I was happy enough with that.
But then he added, “But I don’t want to be your downfall.”
I defended, “You won’t be.”
He sighed really quietly, giving me the once over, “You just snorted fucking oxies with me…To understand me…”
My face fell a little.
“I don’t want you to be anything like me—”
I interrupted with a finger to his lips, “Jimmy. How about you just let me live my life and I’ll let you live yours, hm? Can we not just enjoy this experience together?”
His eyes bore into mine.
“Just be with me,” I said quietly. “I’m with you; whatever the cost.”
He nodded, pulling my hand away and squeezing it tightly in his, “I know…”
I turned away again to listen to his heartbeat.
But he added solemnly, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Notes

A nice, long update for you all.

Here we go down the slippery slope.

xx