Blair.
I thrashed to my side, burying my head in the pillow in some feeble attempt to rid my mind of that putrid name.
It’s Blair every fucking time.
It had been twenty-two days since Jimmy had spoken those words to me. Twenty-two days of those five words burning holes into the weakest parts of my mind. Twenty-two days of silence and twenty-two days of agony.
“Aria?” Jen’s voice cut nervously through the closed door. “Are you up?”
I grumbled, rolling onto my back with the pillow clutched in both hands. With a suffocated growl, I pulled the fabric against my face. If I could only bury my thoughts, maybe I could find some peace.
Less than a month ago, I’d known love. I’d been engaged. My whole life was sprawled out before me…And now…Now I was alone. I was angry. I was so far passed confused that it was hardly a blip in my rearview.
Where did that love go? Surely something as palpable and magnificent as love couldn’t simply evaporate into space, could it? My love for Jimmy certainly hadn’t. He pressed against every waking thought, crawling into my weakness and begging to make me stronger.
But I’d pushed him away. I’d pushed everything away.
And for what?
It’s Blair every fucking time.
“Aria?” Jenny called again. “I’m coming in.”
The door clicked as it opened, followed swiftly by uncertain footsteps. They shuffled their way to my bedside before ceasing all at once.
“You need to get up,” she told me gently.
I groaned, ripping the soft feathered dooms device from my face. My face etched into a scowl as my eyes settled on her. She held a steaming cup of coffee out toward me.
“It’s time, Aria,” she tried to smile.
My eyes narrowed on her. How dare she parade in here, seemingly loving and warm. This was partly her fault, there was no doubt in my mind about that. She’d persuaded me to voice my feelings; she’d encouraged me to have Jimmy choose.
Sometimes I wondered if she’d known the plan would backfire. She’d always held qualms with my relationship with Jimmy. She’d always resented him and she’d never really liked him. Was she simply disguising herself as a good friend in my time of need? Or was she insecure and hell-bent on ruining my life the way she’d ruined her own. Sometimes I wondered.
“Did you not want the coffee?” Jen tried to joke. “I’m more than happy to drink it myself.”
I rolled my eyes, snatching the cup from her grip, “Thanks.”
“Listen,” she sighed, perching herself on the edge of my mattress. “I know you’re going through something really terrible right now…And I can’t even begin to understand the pain you’re in.”
“No, you can’t,” I cut in curtly, propping myself up on my elbow to better ingest the java.
She shook off my hostility, “But I’m really worried about you…You’re not eating, you aren’t sleeping…You’re just, kind of, shutting down…”
“Are you done?” I asked impatiently, in absolutely no mood for a scold.
She frowned, “Aria, you’re my friend…When you hurt, I hurt.”
“You don’t seem too hurt to me,” I noted smugly. “In fact, you seem to be quite fucking content up there on your pedestal.”
Jen gasped, “My pedestal?”
I nodded, reaching over to set the cup onto the nightstand, “Jen, you didn’t even like Jimmy. So forgive me for not believing you are even the tiniest bit upset that we’re broken up.”
“Of course I’m upset,” she replied quickly. “Aria, I hate to see you like this. If I thought—”
“What?” I interjected. “If you thought he’d pick Blair, you would have sent me on the suicide mission sooner? I got that.”
Her face contorted itself as her head fell to its side. She looked like I’d just backed into her with my car. A mixture of confusion and resentment flooded over her.
“What, you think I wanted Jimmy to choose another woman over you?”
I shrugged.
“Are you kidding?” she gawked. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, Jen,” I breezed. “I’m not. I think you knew exactly what would happen and I think you got exactly what you wanted.”
She stared at me, dazed and appalled.
“You seriously think that low of me?” she asked quietly, the shock seemingly stolen her voice.
I shook my head subtly, “I don’t know what to think anymore, Jen.”
“If you seriously think I would ever intentionally hurt you,” she started out shakily. “Then you’re far more fucking cracked than I thought, Aria. You’re my friend.”
“Am I?” I sighed.
Her lips parted in an awkward attempt to respond but her voice betrayed her.
We stared at each other quietly, each trying to size up the other. Jen was looking at me like someone might look at a dead animal sheltered up against a bus stop corner. It was sympathetic but hardened. Like she could keep moving if only she didn’t stare too long.
But I’d never be anywhere else.
“Listen,” she finally breathed. “I know that Jimmy broke your heart. But…Maybe it’s time to take some fucking responsibility for it too, Aria. You’re floundering and you’re doing nothing to try and combat it. You’re letting this break up rip your life apart.”
My jaw fell.
“It’s been almost a month and you haven’t even left the apartment. Maybe you should try doing something for yourself! It might make you feel better! Come back to the bar! I know they’d take you back. Or if you don’t want to bartend anymore, go deliver newspapers…Walk dogs. It doesn’t matter what you do, Aria. You just need to do something.”
“I can’t,” I muttered.
“You can,” she insisted. “You have your whole life ahead of you.”
I shook my head, “I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care about anything…I just want Jimmy back. I just want him.”
She frowned, “Maybe that isn’t what you need though…”
“You don’t want me back together with him, do you?” I challenged through grit teeth.
“I want you to be happy,” she tried weakly. “And I think it’s important that you understand you can be happy without Jimmy. You don’t need a man to complete you.”
My brows furrowed, “What the hell would you know about it? When’s the last time you had a serious relationship, Jen?”
She gasped, pulling herself backward and away from my infectious poison.
I knew I should be following up my little outburst with an immediate apology. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it—lord knows I didn’t mean it. Jen had had several one night stands with the members of Avenged alone. I didn’t see the point in including all of the late-night trollops with the unimportant characters in her life. In all the time I’d known her, I’d never seen her fall in love. I wasn’t even sure she was capable.
It was no wonder she held such a discord for Jimmy and I. We’d been happy—Jen had been nothing but jealous. Of that I was sure.
“You are in fine fucking form today, Aria,” she informed me angrily.
I sat up finally, letting my lungs fill with the decaying air, “You ruined my fucking life.”
“I ruined your life?” Jen repeated with surprise. “What life, Aria? Seriously! What life?”
“Fuck you,” I spit lowly.
She shook her head, the sympathy draining from each of her pores, “You’re delusional. If you think this is a life, you’re delusional. You’re literally letting everything fall apart because of some guy. I know you think he’s your soul mate or whatever, Aria. But he’s not. I promise he’s not. He made you into a really, really terrible version of yourself. Can’t you see that? Everyone else can see it. Hell, Jimmy can see it! He did you a fucking favor, Aria. He did you a favor.”
I was at a loss. I didn’t care if there was validity to what she said, I wasn’t ready to hear it. I wasn’t ready to admit defeat. My heart longed for Jimmy—it longed for his love. Without it, I wasn’t sure what point there was in anything.
I’d given up so much to be with him. My family, my job, my friends, and apparently now my stability. It wasn’t as simple as admitting those things suddenly meant nothing. Sacrifices were always worth something—weren’t they?
But I was supposed to pretend like Jimmy had sacrificed our relationship for the greater good?
As I blinked back frustrated tears, Jenny sighed. She climbed to her feet and cast one last sympathetic look my way.
“I hate to see you like this, Aria,” she told me. “You need something in your life that’s just for you. And it isn’t Jimmy. It isn’t Blair. You’re making excuses for your own short-comings…and at some point, that has to stop. Don’t you think?”
“You did this to me,” I grunted. “This is your fault. The only reason you hate to see me this way is because you’re fucking guilty. My life is in shambles and it’s your fault.”
Jen breathed loudly, “You know what? You can leave.”
“What?” I asked, startled.
She frowned, “If you really think I’d hurt you just because, then you don’t know me. Or worse, you don’t respect me. Given the way you treat everyone else in your life, I’m not sure why I’m surprised. I really thought you were trying to grow as a person…Own up to your mistakes…But it’s obvious now that you’re never going to change. One day, Aria, you’re going to have to grow up. And when you do, I hope you call me. I’ve been missing that girl I met at the bar. I really liked that girl.”
“She’s gone,” I hissed.
Jen nodded, “I know…And I don’t let strangers into my home…So…You can go.”
As she headed for the door, hesitantly, a panic bubbled up beneath my skin. My heart lurched forward into the unknown, grasping at straws.
“Where am I supposed to go?” I called to her back.
She turned around, pursing her lips, “I don’t know, Aria. Maybe you should have considered that before you started planting landmines in all of your relationships. Maybe you should pick one…any one…and fix it. Start with that. It might do you some good.”
“Jen…”
“I have to go to work,” she dismissed. “Take care of yourself, Aria. I mean that.”
She closed the door gently behind her, exhaling so loudly that it reverberated against my stunned bones. I quickly sprang into motion, not to chase after my friend and beg her forgiveness. No, I was too proud for that sort of boldness. I slid a sweater over my head and rapidly gathered my things.
By time I headed for the front door, Jen was long gone. I let my eyes wander around her cramped apartment one last time, memorizing every fine detail. From the crinkled curtains down to the dusty top of the coffee maker, every inch of this space was entirely Jen. I hoped one day I’d move passed my resentment of her. I hoped one day I could forgive her.
I hoped I’d see her again one day.
Stepping into the hall with a tightness in my chest, I closed the door to that chapter of my life. As I descended to the lobby and tore out into the street, I could think of only one place to go. One place that would take me in without a second thought; two people that had to love me. They had no choice. It was mandated by birth rights.
I walked the long distance to my parents’ house, utilizing the echoing steps to fill the blank spaces in my mind. I’d spent entirely too much time wrapped up in my thoughts as of late, and I was determined not to dive too far into the deep end. Direction can act as a perfect distractor.
By time I wrapped my fingers against their wooden door, I’d exhausted myself. The sun had begun to dip below the sea, bidding farewell to another day without Jimmy. Another day stolen.
My mother pulled the door open, shock written across each of her features, “Aria?”
“Mom,” I managed, my voice cracking from the emotion I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying around, “Everything is falling apart.”
“Honey,” she cooed, stepping toward me cautiously.
Given the way we’d left the remnants of our relationship, I could hardly blame her.
“Can I come home?” I whimpered, doing my best not to fall into despair.
I figured I’d never be able to climb back out of it if I gave in now.
“Of course,” she smiled, stepping out of the way to allow me to slither by.
We lingered in the doorway as she sealed our bodies into the house.
“What’s going on, Aria?” she asked softly. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head, “I’ve messed up everything…”
“It’s okay,” she assured me blindly. “Whatever it is, I’m sure you can sort it out.”
“Jimmy left me,” I confessed, the words ripping my tongue apart. “Or I made him leave me…I don’t know.”
Her face grew perplexed, “What happened?”
“I don’t…I don’t want to talk about it,” I sighed. “Not now…”
She nodded, “I’m here whenever you need me, Aria. I know that things have been a little dysfunctional as of late…But you’re still my daughter. I still love you.”
My lip quivered, “I know…”
“What do you need?” she asked lightly. “How can I help?”
“I just want to take a nap,” I breathed. “I think that would help.”
She smiled, side-stepping to allow me access to the stairs. As I began to climb, hesitant and uncomfortable, I couldn’t help but look back.
My mother looked so very small at that moment. She was rid of her typical grandiose and refined perfection. Her hair hung loosely around her face, framing her hazel eyes in a way I’d never seen before.
“I love you too,” I told her with a half-smile. “I’m sorry I’m not a better daughter.”
My mother parted her lips to, undoubtedly, argue but I stopped her. I gave my head a light shake.
“Thanks, Mom.”
Wrapped up in the comforts of home, I slept until the moon had risen high in the sky. It was full and brilliant as it crept through the open window and lulled me from my slumber. The second I woke, my mind immediately sprang into its routine consuming jig.
Blair.
I shuffled from the spare bedroom to the top of the stairs where my ears were immediately met with hushed chatter.
“She seems really off,” my mother said worriedly.
“Well at least she’s rid of that degenerate,” my father grunted.
My mother hesitated, “She seems…sad. Not like the aria we know. I’m worried.”
Sensing this conversation was just lingering around the corner from the conversation I’d only just endured with Jenny, I turned on my heel and headed back into the bedroom. I’d had enough of people worrying about me. I didn’t need worry.
I needed Jimmy.
Acting on one last impulse, I swiftly changed into something clean. I dabbed makeup atop my blotched skin and dragged a brush through my hair. If I was going to get out of the hell that was sympathy, I was going to do it with strangers. Maybe Jen was right—about one thing, at least. Maybe I needed to do something for myself.
I definitely needed to get out.
So, I quietly stuffed some cash into my denim pockets and crept down the stairs. Like a ninja, I silently moved through and out the door. I walked endlessly, letting my feet lead me without purpose. I wasn’t sure where I was going—just that I needed to get there.
The wind nipped at my bare arms, reminding me with a haunting chill that I was still breathing. Despite the death in my chest, I was still here. I was surviving.
But with that survival came a boundless set of feelings that I was, simply, ill-equipped to deal with. I didn’t know what to do with the eternal guilt. The bitter sting of my character flaws carved deep into my skin, reminding me of all the wrong I’d done. All the people I’d lost, most of which by my own doing.
I considered calling Tyler. Surely he’d understand the depth of what I was enduring. Maybe he could even lend a hand to bring me back to my feet. But, I supposed, on some level, I wasn’t ready to admit I needed help. And I knew that the only thing that could remedy my aching soul, Tyler couldn’t offer.
As the stars twinkled overhead, burning out in their beauty, the distinct ringing of a guitar danced along the evening breeze. I closed my eyes, listening as the beat of a drum settled into the melody. I tried to imagine I was somewhere else—anywhere else in the world. I was tucked into a parking lot, leaned against a brick wall, listening to Jimmy pound his feet against his pedals. I wanted to be wherever he was.
Desperate to lose myself in anything but the loss, I followed the strumming guitar. As I rounded a corner, stepping foot into the hustle and bustle of downtown Huntington, a large crowd was gathered up in an alley. A back-door entrance, I thought to myself.
As I neared the crowd, the unmistakable music flooded the night air. A subtle smile tugged at my lips, encouraging my destination with a relieved focus. I didn’t know who was playing and I didn’t care. Jimmy was music. And I was going to drown myself in it.

Notes

So..............

This is the second last chapter. It was originally written as one collective, massive thought. But I've split it into two to give you guys a heads up.
The next, and final, chapter is heavy (no, it isn't Jimmy's death). So...Prepare yourselves.

xx