Just Before You Go

“Jesus,” Jen sighed, her eyes wide as she downed my tale with a long swig of red wine.
I nodded, the truth as it swirled turning my senses bitter. It seemed somehow more brutal to recount it all aloud.
“So, I guess it’s safe to assume your girl crush is dead,” Jen attempted at humor, cringing wildly as my face contorted itself into a scowl. “Sorry. Too soon?”
I held up my fingertips, spacing them centimeters apart, “Just a little.”
“That’s really…What an awful situation all around,” she frowned, leaning over to refill my glass. “But…”
“But?” I pressed impatiently.
She hesitated, keeping quiet until my glass was full. She slid it slowly toward me, offering an apologetic glance as she mulled over her thoughts.
“I just…Okay, don’t get me wrong,” she began, “I think it’s super fucked up that Jimmy slept with Blair Peterson. But…It’s also kind of fucked up that you slept with Tyler.”
I grimaced at her.
“Jimmy is cool with you being friends with Tyler, right?” she asked slowly.
I nodded, “Yeah, so what?”
“Well…Tyler hasn’t even tried to apologize to Jimmy. Has he?”
Jen’s words hit me right in a blind spot. It hadn’t even occurred to me that Tyler should apologize to Jimmy. Jim had never said anything about it…And neither had Tyler. So much drama had ensued following the night of wrongful hookups that it seemed to have gotten lost in the dust.
“No,” I finally answered. “No, I don’t think so.”
Jen nodded, “Well…Blair did apologize…and it sounds like she was trying to patch things up this morning. That isn’t what you want then?”
“For Blair Peterson to be nice to me?” I asked incredulously.
“To be her friend,” she corrected warmly.
I groaned, “A few months ago, I would have loved to have been her friend. And I tried, Jen. I really tried. But that bitch is so fucking complicated. She’s so guarded that it’s physically painful to try and connect with her.”
Though, I couldn’t help but stew over the simplicity of her bond with other people in our group. She and Jimmy had hit it off right away. Despite their rocky start, she and Brian seemed to have found a common bond even amidst their warring. He’d overlooked everything she’d done; everything she’d said. The other three Avenged men seemed to absolutely adore Blair too.
Was the problem me?
Of course it was now. But had it always been? Surely I’d tried to make contact with her early on. I distinctly remembered trying my hardest to get onto her good side. It was simpler when my main priority was ensuring she ended up with Brian.
But now she had.
And now everything was messed up.
“But she tried,” Jen reiterated softly. “And you were…mean.”
“I am mean, Jenny,” I sighed. “That’s what I’ve learned.”
She pouted, “You’re not always mean.”
I threw back a determined mouthful, as if the taste of wine might wash away the horror that was my life.
“Maybe though,” Jen sighed, “it isn’t about whether you’re mean or not…Or whether Blair is worth being friends with…Maybe it’s way more complicated than that.”
With an eyebrow cocked, I pressed, “Go on.”
“Maybe they’re just not a good fit for you,” she shrugged. “Sometimes we meet people that bring out the worst in us…And I know we’ve had this conversation before about Jimmy…and the way he makes you act…”
I rolled my eyes, “Jenny, I can do without the lectures.”
“It isn’t a lecture, Aria,” she insisted. “I’m being honest. We’re friends. And as your friend, I get to tell you when you’re not acting like someone in a healthy relationship. Maybe Jimmy…and his friends…just bring out a bad part of you. Maybe you bring out a bad part of Jimmy too.”
“You wouldn’t know,” I scoffed, in utter denial and disbelief. “Jimmy loves me. He asked me to marry him.”
“I know that,” she smiled weakly. “But that doesn’t always mean people belong together…Marriage is, really, just a word. Have you guys even picked a date?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was my friend seriously sitting there and telling me that my relationship was a lie? Like it was the butt of some horrible joke?
“I love him,” was all I could think to say to diffuse the line of questioning.
She smiled, “I know…”
“I don’t know what to do, Jen,” I whined, sinking into her couch cushions. “Why couldn’t things be simple?”
“It’s never been simple with Jimmy,” she said as her smile faded away. “I warned you…”
I snapped, “That’s different. We’re not talking about his fucking drug problem.”
Her eyes widened, startled by the whiplash I was springing onto her, “Aria, I’m not attacking you. You can put your defenses down.”
“I’m sorry,” I breathed, cursing myself for not having any sort of self-control.
“Maybe you’re defensive because that is still a problem,” she suggested bravely. “It obviously bothers you. And it should. What he’s doing is risky. It’s scary.”
I nodded, “Honestly…The drugs are a whole other problem. I truly believe he’ll stop when he’s ready. He stopped for a while…and he was doing really well.”
“So what happened?” she coaxed curiously.
“Blair,” I grunted, gritting my teeth as her name poured between them.
She considered this, sipping at her wine, “Okay, so it sounds like Blair is problem number one. Have you talked to Jimmy about it? Set boundaries?”
“Jimmy and boundaries,” I scoffed. “Yeah, those are two words that go together.”
She shrugged.
“She’s dating his best friend.”
“So what?” Jen asked, seriously confused by my explanation. “Just because your friend is dating someone doesn’t mean you have to hang around with them all the time. Jimmy and I don’t hang around together.”
I nodded my head along, letting her words sink deep into my jealous brain.
“Have you told him how you’re feeling?”
“Of course I have,” I sighed. “But Blair is the fucking sun.”
She tilted her head to the side, “Okay, so what would it take to fix this? What would Jimmy have to do so that you could move on from everything that’s happened? What would it take?”
I ran through the long list of our problems, conveniently neglecting any options that didn’t begin with a B and end with a lair. As far as I was concerned, our problems hit their peak when Blair decided she had an interest in Jimmy. They flaunted their relationship in my face. They obnoxiously bounded around, showing off their love for the world. They didn’t, for one second, consider anyone else’s feelings as they cuddled up to one another and let their hands reach for the other.
“He’d have to give up Blair,” I said firmly.
She smiled sympathetically, “Have you told him that? That their friendship bothers you so much that he needs to consider what it’s really worth? Does he understand? Men are kind of dumb, Aria. You have to use small words.”
Despite her attempt at a joke, I was not laughing.
“I’m going to make it crystal clear,” I told her, downing the rest of my glass before slamming it against the table. “I’ll be back.”
“What?” Jen snapped. “Where are you going?”
I collected myself as I pulled my weight to my feet and headed for the door.
“Aria, where are you going?” Jen called after me but I was too determined to acknowledge her.
I was afraid she might talk me out of my newest plight. But something inside of me was urging me to go. I needed answers; I needed perspective. More importantly, I needed Jimmy. All of him. I needed his attention on me, not on some other woman.
Throughout the short cab ride to Jimmy’s doorstep, I kept my wheel turning. I pictured Blair and Jimmy and how disgustingly attached they were to one another. I thought of the way Jimmy treated her—and then I compared it to the way he treated me. But I was so damn jealous that I couldn’t see the problem was Jimmy. No. In my mind, the problem was all Blair.
My feet were heavy as a trudged up to Jimmy’s door and banged my fist against it. It seemed an odd ritual given that this was supposed to be my home now. We were supposed to have come back here together—but his second girlfriend had me so enraged and embarrassed that I’d essentially missed my homecoming. Another notch against Blair in my ever-growing tally.
Jimmy pulled the door open, smiling out of instinct before sensing the heavy daze clouded around me.
“Can we talk?” I asked hurriedly.
“Of course we can talk,” he replied oddly, opening the door wider.
I shook my head, “I need to say something…And I think I need to say it right here.”
“Uh oh,” Jimmy sang nervously. “What’s wrong, Aria?”
With a deep breath, I mustered up some courage, “Jimmy…Did Blair tell you about what happened today?”
He squinted down at me, “Vaguely.”
“What did she say?”
“She said you guys talked…And then you fucking yelled at her about Brian.”
I rolled my eyes, “Of course she said that.”
“Aria,” Jimmy grunted, taking his time before continuing. “Blair didn’t tell me that part…You fucking yelled at her. You’re loud. I heard you.”
My cheeks painted themselves red with humiliation for the things I’d done.
“Oh,” was all I could think to say.
“You seriously need to lay off Blair,” he said to me. “She isn’t doing anything to you. And, like it or not, she’s going to be around.”
I sighed, “Because of Brian?”
“And because of me,” he told me, his hands flailing subtly out to his sides. “She’s one of my best friends, Aria. If not my best friend…You know, Synystwat Gates aside.”
I pursed my lips, “Can you not just…let her be Brian’s girlfriend? Why does she have to be such a big part of our lives?”
He furrowed his brows at me, “Because she is, Aria…I really love her. You liked her once…I know shit’s gone crazy but we’re all moving past it. Everything is good now. Why can’t you let it be good?”
“Because I can’t,” I decided aloud. “It’s too much. I…I look at her and all I can picture is you fucking her. That’s all I see. It’s…It’s too much.”
His face grimaced, “Why are you torturing yourself like that?”
“Don’t you feel that way when you look at Tyler?” I asked pointedly. “Doesn’t it bother you at all?”
“Honestly?” he asked, waiting for my nod before continuing. “No.”
I fell into a state of shocked disbelief.
“I trust you,” he told me warmly. “That night was a big mistake for everyone. Shit got out of control. I know you wouldn’t do that again…I let it go.”
“Aren’t you just a fucking saint,” I muttered.
He nodded, a grin spreading across his face.
“I don’t know if I can live under Blair’s shadow, Jimmy,” I told him with defeat ringing out. “I’m tired of competing.”
He frowned, reaching out for me as I pulled away, “No one is asking you to compete, Aria. There’s no contest.”
“Yes there is!” I yelled excitably. “You have everything in common with Blair! She likes the same weird music and she writes and she sings…You guys are so fucking inseparable that it’s honestly sickening. You crave her attention. It’s obvious. And it’s…it’s killing me.”
Jimmy sighed, “Aria, I don’t crave her attention the way I crave yours. I love Blair…but as a friend. She’s like a piece of my heart. But, you’re the woman I love.”
I shook my head, “You leave me behind to help Blair all the time.”
“You fucking told me to,” he replied, exasperated by our never-ending argument. “Blair needs love in her life. She needs good people. I love that she loves me. It makes me feel fucking good about myself—why are you so god damn threatened?”
“Because maybe you love each other too much!” I shouted, at my wit’s end with the entire situation.
His face flinched as the tears began to well up in me.
“I’m losing,” I told him quietly. “And I hate it.”
He groaned, “Aria. There’s no fucking contest.”
I bit at the inside of my cheek, apparently a new nervous tick I was developing, “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah,” he said but it sounded somehow like a question.
“This album of hers,” I started slowly, “how involved are you?”
He tilted his head.
“How involved are you planning to be?”
The response looked like it pained him. As if he were driving the nails into his coffin but had missed and attached his hand to the grain.
“I’m heading over there in the morning,” he said finally. “We were going to spend the day writing.”
“And after that?” I pressed knowingly.
He shrugged, “I told her I’d help. She’s my friend, Aria. We help each other.”
“And what’s she doing for you? Huh? What’s she doing to repay you?”
He shook his head at me.
“Going to repeat the last favor she did?” I hissed.
Jimmy snapped, “Fuck you!”
“I’ll never trust her,” I told him, though it came out as more of a shriek. “I will never be okay with the ridiculous amount of time you spend with her.”
He rubbed his temples with both thumbs, like he could drown out my voice if only he pressed hard enough.
“I don’t want you to see her anymore,” I finally said.
His hands dropped and his eyes widened, “I fucking beg your pardon?”
“You heard me,” I maintained, albeit rather shakily. “If you’re really okay with me being this unhappy and uncomfortable, then you don’t love me like you say you do. You couldn’t.”
“Aria,” Jimmy replied, his face void of all emotion. “She’s my friend. Have you lost your mind? You’re trying to dictate who I can and who I can’t be friends with?”
I swallowed hard, my breathing echoing loudly against my mind as it raced. The world slowed down as my fingers lost their feeling. I made a point to memorize the hues in his eyes, the various blues that rolled into one magnificent crystal colour.
“Jimmy,” I managed, biting back my tears. “It’s me or it’s Blair.”
He leaned forward, as if he may have gone temporarily deaf, “What the fuck did you just say?”
I let a deep breath escape me, straightening out my spine as I repeated, “It’s me. Or it’s her. It can’t be both. I can’t fucking take it.”
“Are you giving me a fucking ultimatum?” he asked, dumbfounded.
I maintained my seriousness.
He laughed with shock, “Aria.”
“Jimmy,” I pushed. “I’m dead serious. It’s me or Blair.”
Without even a moment’s hesitation, Jimmy shook his head and parted his lips. And his answer changed my life forever.
“Blair.”
The world rang out with deafening bells.
“W-What?”
His eyes burdened, “Blair.”
“Are—Are you kidding?” I croaked. “After everything we’ve been through? You’d choose…You’d choose Blair fucking Peterson?”
He nodded, “Every single fucking time.”
My jaw hit the walkway cement with a crack.
“Blair would never ask me to choose,” Jimmy told me, his voice cracking as he fought back his own emotions. “But Blair also doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit. So, if I have to choose between a friendship that adds fucking value to my life and a relationship that is toxic as fuck? Yeah, that’s easy. It’s Blair every fucking time.”
If ever I could have summoned the intelligence to understand physics, that would have been the moment. If I could have built myself a time machine, I would have happily stepped inside. I never would have come here. I never would have pushed.
But for whatever stupid, naïve reason, I honestly thought he’d choose me.
“We’re not toxic,” I mumbled quietly, breaking apart with rage and heartbreak alike.
He sighed, “Yes, we are. We’ve always been toxic…We don’t even fucking like each other. I love you, Aria. I do. But…You make me into an awful fucking version of myself. And I make you fucking crazy. You’re not that same girl I met in the bar. You’re…I don’t even know you anymore.”
Unable to take the weight of it all, I lashed out. I slid my beautiful ring from my finger and I slapped it against his chest.
“Maybe you can give it to Blair,” I hissed, turning away from him.
“I would never give Blair this shitty thing,” he said to my back. “And I never should have given it to you either.”
My feet stopped, frozen by the seized heart in my chest.
“I never should have asked you,” he said, more calmly this time. “It would have been a huge mistake, Aria…I really hope you see that in time. I’ve been holding onto you because I love you…I thought we could work this shit out. But, uh…giving me an ultimatum? It’s obvious that you don’t know me at all.”
I turned on my heel, letting the rage consume me in place of the despair, “And now what, Jimmy? You’ll go get fucked up with Blair and have a fabulous life?”
“Why not?” he shrugged, challenging the gusto I’d summoned. “It’s my life and I’ll do whatever I want with it.”
“I hope you’re both very happy together,” I spit. “And when you both overdose and fucking die in some dingy ass bar bathroom, I promise I’ll act surprised.”
Jimmy’s face rippled with pain, “You don’t mean that.”
“You know what I do mean, Jimmy?” I snarled. “I wish I’d never fucking met you. I should have just stayed with fucking Tyler when I had the chance.”
His face flinched and straightened within a millisecond, “I couldn’t agree more. Get the fuck off my property.”
With this, Jimmy turned back around and slammed the door to his life. My feet refused to move, the roots burrowing deep into the slabs beneath them. The world was still ringing through my ears, deafening me to all other senses.
I’d just blown up my life.
But Jimmy had chosen Blair.
And in that moment, that’s all I needed to get myself moving. As I reached the end of his walkway and turned myself onto the sidewalk, headed vaguely in the direction of Jenny, I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss. Part of me wanted to sprint back to his door and beg his forgiveness. But the stronger part of me told me it was a fool’s errand. He needed time and I needed clarity.
I hated myself for looking back.

Notes

Well.....Shit.

(Not sure if this is quite what you wanted, Buggaloo. But here's your second update anyway *cringes inwardly*)

xx