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Just Before You Go

Chapter One Hundred and Ten: The Ground Caved In

We were three weeks out from the home-stretch. Or maybe we were in the home stretch…either way, the tour was nearing completion and morale was at an all-time high. It was comparable to the energy the masses seemed to congregate when the tour had just begun—it had all but lulled away throughout the months on the road. Looking around now, no one looked quite the same as they had when we’d embarked.
I was admittedly much more tired. I don’t mean tired—I mean entirely exhausted. The late nights and long days made for some seriously irreparable bags under the eyes. Somehow Blair Peterson was impervious to the effects of youth-sucking travel. She was as radiating as ever, bouncing along beneath Brian’s tattooed arm. As she snaked her own inked skin around his waist, and he leaned down to plant a kiss on her cheek, I caught myself swooning. Good for Brian. The man deserved some love—and Blair had it in spades of the highest caliber. I’d never seen a love quite like the one split between the Bs.
It was almost enough to harbor some newfound complex inside my mind.
I looked at Jimmy the way Blair looked at Brian. I longed to be near Jimmy the way Brian longed for Blair. I was willing to sacrifice pretty well anything, the way I could only imagine either B would. But…did Jimmy do those things? Could Jimmy do those things? Sometimes I was sure, and others I was insecure. There were times where I’d get so lost in all of the messes I’d scrawled out across our lives and I was sure there was no way he still looked at me the way he had all that time ago.
“What’s on your mind?” Jimmy asked me happily, obviously sensing the never-ending inner turmoil swirling around in my blonde head.
I pushed myself to smile, glancing up at his reassuring blues, “Nothing, just admiring the Bs.”
“They’re kind of cute, huh?” he smirked.
“They are,” I nodded. “I’m happy for them. They deserve each other.”
Jimmy laughed, “Nah, Blair deserves better. A king or some shit. She’s slumming it for Brian.”
“You don’t really think that,” I challenged half-heartedly.
He shrugged, his steps haphazardly miscalculated. For an evening stroll to the show, he was awfully unfocused. His mind had been wandering all afternoon, his eyes tucked behind thick-rimmed glasses but eternally squinting nonetheless. I pretended not to notice the sheer size of his damn pupils as they skimmed over my features.
“You think so highly of her,” I noted, which came off a bit more judgmental than planned.
He scrunched his face up, “So do you.”
“That’s different,” I tried to sound less animated. “I don’t discount other people’s worth to prove a point.”
I must have hit a nerve because suddenly the giant by my side seized up. His pace quit, his muscles tightened. He was scowling. I hadn’t seen Jimmy scowl since…well, it had been quite some time. It was a look I’d been keen to forget.
But there it was, illuminated tragically by the setting sun in the distance. Brought on, no doubt, by the same force that had always managed to reign over our stability. The only difference, this time, was that I hadn’t meant for the destruction at all.
“I’m hardly fucking discounting Brian,” Jimmy informed me.
I sighed, beating myself mercilessly for the accidental condescension, “I didn’t mean…”
“Blair is a fucking goddess,” Jimmy moved on to enlighten me. “She’s maybe the most genuinely incredible person I’ve ever met. Brian is a close second. But Brian is also kind of a dick. Do you not remember how he fucked her around?”
It slipped out like word vomit, “I distinctly remember you fucking her around.”
His jaw clenched itself closed, probably to keep from verbally murdering me. My features softened as if to somehow apologize without actually apologizing.
“Yeah,” he nodded—with a particular aggression might I add. “Want me to get into all the shit I remember, Aria?”
I shook my head, feeling suddenly like a child sat in the corner. My list of deplorable behavior was far grander, and dramatic, than his.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” I backpedaled as best I could. “You know that isn’t what I think of your friendship with her anymore…”
He raised a skeptical brow, “You really like to fucking flip-flop. One day you fucking idolize her and the next day you hate her. You’re a woman of mystery.”
My lips fell into a frown, “I’m sorry.”
He nodded his head, rolling his eyes a little, “I don’t want to fight with you. Especially not about Blair.”
“I really wasn’t trying to pick a fight,” I insisted.
He pursed his lips, shrugging his shoulders in defeat, “You never are.”
“Jimmy,” I sighed.
“Aria,” he retorted.
My brows instinctively clasped themselves together, “Are you trying to fight now?”
“Nope,” he declared, emphasizing the p to really make me feel dramatic.
With that, he bounded off ahead of me, effectively leaving me in his wake. It was a typical Jimmy move, one of avoidance. I deserved it. I wasn’t sure why I’d felt the need to make a Blair dig but something inside of me clearly wasn’t as okay with the entire situation as I led on to be. I wanted to be okay with it, though. I was mostly okay with it.
The truth of it all was that I was jealous. I was a jealous, jealous girl. Blair and Jimmy shared something profound; something untouchable. They seemed to understand each other without constraints of physics or logic or plausibility. They spoke their own language and never seemed to hit pits in their united front.
Jimmy and my relationship was far more tumultuous. We’d mostly grown out of our endless fights and bickering but sometimes things would happen and old resentments would flare up. It had been a while since our last real fight, but it appeared I’d accidentally initiated our newest.
Couples fight, I’d told myself.
I just wasn’t sure if they were constantly fighting about the same things. Tour life had been getting to us all, reining terror and tyranny down onto all who were shackled to the stage. You know, except Brian and Blair. They were basically newlyweds without the rings.
Shouldn’t Jimmy and I be behaving like newlyweds? We were the ones engaged after all. Not that we’d discussed a single detail of a wedding or even thought of choosing a date. I’d instructed myself not to push it though…the engagement was enough of a gesture to appease my need for commitment. For now, anyway.
I didn’t need a fairy tale wedding. I didn’t need a ballgown or an orchestra. So long as I had Jimmy, to love or to hate, I was sure I’d be content.
But love isn’t always so simple, is it? We don’t always get the things we want. Sometimes those things don’t want us back—and even when they do, sometimes it isn’t practical to let them.
As the Bs happily welcomed Jimmy into their stride, I couldn’t help but notice the extra beat of joy in his step. He was far more in sync with those two in their first steps than he’d been with me…maybe ever. Was I supposed to overlook that? Was I supposed to pretend like every shitty thing had never happened? Like I’d never hurt him? Like he’d never hurt me?
Or was I doing my best to be self-destructive? Lord knows I was an over-thinker to a damn fault. I wasn’t sure if this was reality settling into my insecurities to shed light on an otherwise grim situation, or if I was simply falling into old habits. Old, bad, nasty habits.
Brian and Jimmy disappeared through the venue doors; Blair lingered back to undoubtedly smoke. As her light sparked beneath her thumb, my suspicion was confirmed. She wasn’t exactly the person I most wanted to speak with right at that moment, but she smiled as I neared her. It only made me feel worse.
“What’s up?” she asked me, her voice caught behind the cloud of smoke in her throat.
I shrugged lazily, trying to gage whether or not she knew I’d just accidentally picked a fight with Jimmy about her, “Nothing.”
“I was hanging back hoping you’d catch up,” she told me lightly. “I was thinking I’d come help you in the merch booth after my set.”
My hands internally turned the knife in upon my chest.
“Why?” I asked slowly.
Blair had never come to the merch booth. None of the band members had come to help out. Brian had ditched his girlfriend with me once, but that was about as far as that got.
“As a way of thanking you,” she told me like it was obvious before adding with a laugh, “and I don’t know, I guess hanging out with you wouldn’t be so bad.”
I found myself at a crossroads. To accept Blair’s act of kindness felt a little like betraying her. But to turn it down felt largely like betraying myself—and Jimmy. And Brian. And all of the people on this damn tour that loved her more than they loved me.
Damn, I scolded myself. Clearly, I had issues.
There was no time to dive into the deep cavern of my mental instability. One problem at a time.
“Blair,” I said quietly.
She eyed me strangely, pulling hard on her cigarette.
“I, um—”
My insignificant trailing was cut off rather abruptly by Jimmy’s distinct voice bellowing out from the cracked doorway. His grinning face could be seen, his eyes fixated on the two of us.
“Come on!” he shrieked—it wasn’t clear who he was talking to.
Blair held up her cigarette with a stern look stapled to her beautiful face.
“You’re going to get cancer and die, Blair,” he informed her with a proud smile.
She laughed and shook her head.
“Aria?” he tried next. “Are you coming in? I’ll help you with the shirts and shit.”
There was my man. The eternally, flawlessly kind man. The beckoning in his eyes was enough to lull over my anxiety—maybe he’d just let this one go. I really hadn’t meant to bring it up.
I looked at Blair who quickly waved me off.
“I’ll catch up with you after we’re done,” she told me.
“Okay,” was all I could think to say to her.
She looked somehow different to me then. Maybe it was because I could visualize Brian looming over her, bombarding her with love. Or maybe it was because I was determined to bleach my mind of any lingering visuals of Jimmy looming over her. But in that moment, she seemed somehow…reborn. She was kinder—softer.
I followed Jimmy inside where his beckoning attitude was quickly abandoned. We walked in torturous silence, counter-balanced only by the soft patting of our footsteps on the tile. Jimmy’s steps were far quicker and messy. Again, I forced myself to ignore his hands as they thudded against his thighs.
He did as he said he would, though. We unpacked each and every box, pinning the demo pieces to the cork wall like every other night. He made small-talk with Mona, who’d been forced into technical and merch duties for the night. And then he went to leave. Without a word, he went to leave.
“Have a good show,” I called quietly after him, almost afraid to disturb the silence.
He slowed but didn’t stop, turning his head ever so slightly to face me, “Thanks.”
And then he was gone.
The reality slugged me in the face. Maybe he wasn’t going to let it go after all.
“You okay?” Mona asked me flatly.
We’d hardly spent much time together and I’d hardly throw us into an acquaintance category. She mostly hung around with Blair or with Haven’s drummer. But there she was, prying into my personal life. And because I have no self-control, I leaned into the half-hearted effort.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
She cocked her head back in surprise before quickly composing herself, “No…”
“If you did,” I started but stopped.
“If I did what?” she prodded with a smile.
I shook my head.
“Can I guess?” she half-laughed. “This has something to do with Blair?”
I was mortified. Did everyone know the inner workings of my personal life? Blair hardly struck me as a gossip though. Getting her to talk about anything was essentially pulling teeth. But, then, how would Mona know?
“I’ve known her for a while,” Mona answered my thoughts. “And I’ve seen the way men drool over her. Your boyfriend included.”
I tightened up, “I wouldn’t say he drools.”
“No,” she agreed oddly. “But Blair is…she’s…I don’t have a word for it. I haven’t seen her this happy…ever.”
“With Jimmy or with Brian?” I asked coldly.
She laughed, pulling a box from the floor and setting it atop a long table, “Both.”
I didn’t know what to do with that.
“Your boyfriend is a really good thing for her,” Mona continued as she folded a series of black t-shirts. “He seems to bring out this…life…in Blair.”
I desperately wished she’d stop calling Jimmy your boyfriend. Something about it felt wildly condescending and patronizing.
“But I wouldn’t worry about her stepping on your toes,” she shrugged with a smile. “I’ve never seen Blair more obsessed with anyone than she is about Synyster Gates.”
Her dramatic use of Brian’s stage name had me laughing. She glimmered at her success.
“Blair is many things but vindictive isn’t one of them,” Mona told me sternly. “She doesn’t hurt people on purpose…I mean, unless they really deserve it.”
Had I deserved it?
I nodded, “She’s intimidating.”
“Yes, she is,” Mona laughed. “But she’s secretly very sweet.”
“She and Jimmy are intimidating together,” I elaborated nervously. “I’ve never had a connection like that with someone…Friend or otherwise.”
Mona shrugged, “Me neither. But I don’t think it’s anything to read into. Like I said, Blair would never—”
“Yeah,” I cut her off, forcing a friendly smile as I did so. “Do you need any help?”
She smirked, “Sure, if you’re offering.”
As I hunkered down and got to work assembling Haven’s expansive supply of merchandise, letting Mona guide the topics far away from the drama of my life, I couldn’t help but run over what she’d said. I ran it over a thousand and one times. I still came up with the same unrelenting question.
Did I deserve it?

Notes

Finals are over! I survived!

That means...more time for updates! ;)

xx

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@kiss my sas
I'm sorry!!!! Didn't mean to kick you while you're down, I swear!!

fyction fyction
5/14/19

I'm so proud of you for finishing this masterpiece, but I am SO SAD!!!
WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN AND UPSETTING THE SICK AUSSIE?!??!?!
WHAT IS LIFE??!???!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

IT IS NOT OVER!!!
I REFUSE TO ADMIT IT IS OVER!!!!!!
PLAGUIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19

Holy shit, holy shit, I am not prepared!!!!
Going to read the... last... chapter now...

kiss my sas kiss my sas
5/14/19