Just Before You Go

We’d been in Massachusetts for exactly twelve hours. Apparently, we were only a few hours from the town where Haven had all been born and raised. Blair had been seeking refuge with us on the Avenged bus, curling into Brian’s chest as the nights all pulled to a close. Whatever turmoil they’d breached appeared to have leveled itself out—I could only assume Brian had finally professed his love for the best part of his soul.
They’d been lingering around venues after the checks were completed, dragging Jimmy into their newest crazy scheme. Blair and I had essentially switched places. Tyler would come and look for me every morning and we’d stroll through the parking lot acting as our newest home. We’d sip at burnt coffee and muddle through casual pleasantries. He seemed to be doing better.
“She wants out,” Ty told me as we circled the buses for the thirtieth time, the afternoon sun sitting high above the clouds.
3/5 of Haven had escaped the tour life the second we’d arrived in favor of retreating to their hometown for a quick, and seemingly pointless, visit with their families. Since Blair had no family to retreat home to, Tyler had lingered behind for her. Or so he said. If you asked me, I’d put my money on Tyler’s fear rather than devotion. I don’t think he was ready to face his parents again after what had happened the last time he’d seen them. Some things require more time.
This change in pace meant that Avenged was slotted to run their soundcheck before Haven, which almost never happened. I was surprised when Tyler turned up at my door just after two, but apparently Blair had trailed off somewhere on her own. Ty wasn’t so good at being alone. It worked to his benefit though, because neither was I.
“Oh?” I feigned mild surprise.
I wasn’t sure how much Blair had aired to her band, nor her best friend.
“She sat me down last night,” he sighed. “Told me she’d stay if I asked…”
My eyes fell on him as he worked through the weight of her offer, “Is that what you want?”
“Of course it is,” he frowned. “I love being in a band with my best friend. We get to tour the country together…Write really fuckin’ cool music together…”
“But?” I implored knowingly.
He took a deep breath, clearing his throat awkwardly, “But…I don’t know. It’s hard. Part of me wants to let her go…She deserves to do anything in this world that she wants. Fuck knows she’s capable.”
I nodded along as his gears turned.
“But she’s so good at what she does,” he continued. “She said she’s feeling trapped…and I just don’t get it. She has the fucking world at her fingertips, you know? She can do whatever she wants. This band can do whatever it wants. We’re finally finding some success and…she doesn’t want it. I don’t understand.”
“Maybe she just wants to do it differently,” I suggested weakly. “Maybe it’s less about you and the band as it is about her…Who she is.”
His lips fell, “I can’t imagine doing this without her. I’ve never done anything without her.”
“Right,” I sympathized. “But maybe that’s the problem, Ty. I think Blair’s starting to feel like she knows who she is…and maybe it isn’t the person she’s been.”
He let a deep sigh escape from his lungs, “Maybe.”
“It’s hard to let people go,” I thought aloud. “Especially the ones we love.”
He half-laughed, “That’s Blair’s specialty. Mine? Not so much. I’ve…I’ve never really had to let anyone go.”
“No one?” I challenged in disbelief.
“Um, my grandmother died when I was a kid,” he shrugged. “But that’s about the only loss I’ve ever known…And it nearly killed me. I don’t do well with change…as you know.”
I shuttered at the memory.
“Well, how’d you get through that?” I asked cautiously. “Not that this is at all the same as a death, Tyler. Just so we’re clear.”
He chuckled, “I know that…But it’s the death of something, isn’t it? Maybe everything.”
“How’d you get through it?” I asked again, more firmly this time.
With one single word, I lost all faith in Tyler’s ability to decline Blair’s invitation for permanency, “Blair.”
We fell into a steady silence, the only break in the lull offered by our footsteps. The gravel crunched and crackled beneath our shoes.
“I’ll have to talk to her,” Tyler finally spoke, albeit nearly inaudibly.
I nodded my head.
“Am I bad person if I ask her to stay?” he asked me shyly, daring to make bleak eye contact for only a second.
“I don’t know how to answer that,” I told him honestly.
He ran a hand through his hair, “I just need more time, you know? I’m not ready yet…I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. I don’t know how to let her go.”
“She isn’t going, Ty,” I offered. “She’d still be your Blair.”
He scoffed, “She’s hardly my Blair now. Between Brian and your boyfriend, I hardly see her.”
While I wasn’t willing to vocalize my thought on the matter, I had a sneaking suspicion that Blair’s avoidance had less to do with her newfound trio than an unwillingness to face Tyler. She knew her weakness for him and she knew he could persuade her to do anything. I was sure this was Blair’s way of asserting her dominance over her own life.
It’s easier to face ourselves without the masks of those we love staring back at us too.
“Maybe she needs time too,” I told him softly.
The words hung around in the thick air between us, threatening to reason Tyler to death. As we rounded the corner of the building, Tyler stopped our pace.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he laughed. “We should go check out Avenged’s check.”
It had been a while since I’d sat in on the groups as they ran through their sets and checked their sounds. It was an admittedly boring spectacle to play audience to, hardly as riveting as the actual show. But I was keen to offer Tyler up any sort of consolation that I could, so I agreed. He pulled the heavy door and waited for me to slink around him.
We strolled through the lobby and into the theater, where we were surprised not to find Avenged at all. Tyler looked at me strangely; I couldn’t think of anything to do but shrug.
“Yeah,” Blair said into the microphone.
She was seated at the piano bench that they pulled out only for Haven. That piano, I’d been learning, was an extension of Blair Peterson.
Her fingers began to stroll along the keys with determination. She bobbed her head along to her slow melody as Brian and Jimmy slipped out from the wings. Jimmy sipped at a bottle of water, his free hand resting on Blair’s shoulder as Brian slipped a guitar strap over his head.
Tyler quietly crept into the first row of seats available to us, sliding down into a chair. I followed him, doing my best to slip into the fibers of the chair so seamlessly that I might be mistaken for more seating.
As she parted her lips to breathe life into the room, I watched Tyler’s arm crawl with goosebumps.
“I don't know how else to put this.
It's taken me so long to do this.
I'm falling asleep and I can't see straight.
My muscles feel like a melee,
My body's curled in a U-shape.
I put on my best, but I'm still afraid.
Propped up by lies and promises.
Saving my place as life forgets.
Maybe it's time I saw the world.
I'm only here for a while.
And patience is not my style,
And I'm so tired that I got to go.”
The piano sounded against each wall, bouncing its beauty back and forth with a heavy realization that she was playing for someone she thought was out of reach. Tyler’s eyes glistened as he hung off of each and every word his best friend mustered up.
Jimmy patted Blair’s shoulder fondly, sauntering up the stage and taking up his stool behind his expansive drum kit. It only figured that these three would be up to more creative shenanigans. I loved that they could lean on one another for creation.
“What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
Did you really think I wouldn't see this through?
Tell me I should stick around for you.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.”
Brian and Jimmy fell in step with the ivory, rounding out the bullets as they carved around the air hanging around us. My eyes instinctively watched Jimmy as he methodically thrashed at his passion, letting himself bob and groove to Blair’s mind. The three of them made an undeniable miraculous combination.
Backed by two of her favourite people, Blair found an undeniable confidence. Her voice strengthened, her spine straightened.
“I get to go home in one week.
But I'm leaving home in three weeks.
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry.
I'm following suit and directions.
I crawl up inside for protection.
I'm told what to do and I don't know why.
I'm over existing in limbo
I'm over the myths and placebos
I don't really mind if I just fade away
I'm ready to live with my family.
I'm ready to die in obscurity
Cause I'm so tired that I got to go.”
Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I supposed to do?
You still don't think I'm gonna see this through?
Tell me I'm a part of history.
Tell me I can have it all.
I'm still too tired to care and I got to go.”
Brian led the group into a classic Synyster Gates rendition of Blair’s breaking point. I could never stand how people could take experiences and put them to music. From the chords they chose to the specific beats of the drums, the entire process was a mystery to me. But there they were, putting a soundtrack to the crossroads Blair Peterson found herself standing in. Tyler and I were on one side; Blair, Brian, and Jimmy on the other.
The look in Tyler’s eyes told me he’d had the same unnerving epiphany. He was leaned all the way forward as the threesome lost themselves in a competition of emotion, filling the building with longing and desperation for something new.
“Fuck,” Tyler sighed as Brian and Jimmy relented, leaving Blair and Blair alone to carry them through.
We sat in a stunned silence as the keys trailed away and Blair let out a nervous laugh.
“Perfect!” Jimmy announced into the drum microphone, taking that as his leave.
He bounded down to the Bs, who were seemingly exchanging notes about their latest masterpiece. That’s what it was: a masterpiece.
Tyler stood abruptly, stepping over me as he headed down to the stage with an unnatural determination. Blair caught sight of him first, her face stoning over with fear. I trotted quickly behind, taking refuge in the friendly gaze Jimmy was throwing my way.
He hopped off the stage, waiting for me to step into his space. Tyler blew passed him without acknowledge; I, however, was happy to stand with the drummer.
“Creeping?” he grinned.
“Not intentionally.”
He laughed, snaking an arm around my shoulders, “Was I good?”
“You’re always good,” I smiled up at him.
Blair panicked as Tyler neared her, which Jimmy was hilariously keen to watch. He spun as around, whispering something about popcorn into my ear. I shook my head at him.
“You weren’t supposed to hear this until it was perfect,” she explained in a rush.
Tyler planted his feet before her, “What is this?”
She shrugged timidly, “It’s…me.”
The words hit him like a train.
“I was thinking we could put it on the next album,” she quickly continued. “But I wanted to have it ready to go before I showed you guys…After the last time, I know you think—”
Tyler stopped her, “You want this on our record?”
She swallowed hard, which broke my fucking heart, “Yeah…If you don’t like it, that’s okay. I just thought—”
“Blair,” he sighed, daring to smile a little. “This can’t go on our record.”
Jimmy pouted dramatically beside me, looking like Tyler had just called him out specifically.
“Okay,” she forced a smile. “No problem.”
“We’ll take it!” Jimmy screeched playfully. “We could totally Avenge it up.”
Blair smirked a little, sinking under Brian’s arm as he stepped in to silently console her from the rejection.
“You can’t have it either,” Tyler half-laughed over at Jimmy.
Jimmy muttered with wild dissatisfaction, “Salt in the wound.”
“You have to put it on your album,” Tyler told Blair sternly. “Your solo album.”
I’d never seen anyone look quite as free as Blair Peterson appeared in that moment.
She abandoned Brian, strangling Tyler into the tightest grip I’d ever seen. He melted under her arms, pulling her in and letting her go all in one fell swoop.
“Come on,” Brian said to us as he slipped down from the wooden stage. “Let’s give them some room.”
Jimmy whined, “But I’m eavesdropping!”
“Come on,” his best friend groaned, pushing at Jimmy to get him moving.
As we filed out from the building, I let my eyes flutter back. I wanted to know what freedom looked like.
And I found it...in the piercing blues staring back at me.

Notes

Thanks to kiss my sas for sending over the perfect song for the occasion!

Zzyxz Rd - Stone Sour

Big progress for our Tyler!

xx