Almost Easy

The bus was full. We’d formed a semi-circle of buses and vans towing equipment, all strategically scattered behind the venue.
“I wish we had this much time to set up for every show,” Mona, our guitar tech sighed to me. “This was fucking easy.”
“Easing into it, I guess,” I half-laughed, sipping at my water like it was an elixir.
The singer of the band who’s name Jimmy made me promise to never speak again came staggering over to us and plopped down next to Mona. He was maybe too drunk for the relatively early time.
“Who’s this fine piece of woman?” he asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
She scoffed, “Not interested.”
He turned to me and wiggled his eyebrows again; I laughed, “Gross.”
“Why are you girls so mean?” he pouted.
I could smell the whiskey hanging off of his every breath. It was enough to make me nearly gag.
“I see your gang wasted no time getting into the booze,” I noted aloud, only a slight hint of judgement in my tone.
He judged me right back, “You’re way too sober, if you ask me.”
With a slight lift of his hand, he tried to pass a half-emptied bottle of brown liquor to me. I declined with a strong push of my hand.
“Put that shit near me one more time,” I warned him teasingly. “I will vomit in your lap.”
“That’s gross,” he told me seriously but pulled the bottle back into his lap.
“So give me the scoop,” he instructed both me and Mona. “Since you two are boring, who’s available here?”
“Don’t you have your own women to harass?” Mona groaned.
He shook his head, “Mine are boring too. Besides, we only have one and she’s otherwise preoccupied.”
He lifted his free hand to gesture toward his bassist who was in the midst of schmoozing Brian. I tried not to let the jealousy burn up my insides. She was obviously drunk and was basically falling on top of him. What pained me was that he didn’t seem to mind until he caught me looking.
I wasn’t interested in repeating the confrontation from the restaurant and so, I maintained my position and told myself I was being paranoid. Brian was a good guy.
Mona had been sworn to secrecy about mine and Brian’s relationship. I was starting to really resent the agreement to keep things hush-hush. If we’d been allowed to go public with our relationship, maybe that girl wouldn’t be reaching for my boyfriend’s crotch. It was what it was.
“No way is Brian interested in her,” Mona said for me, shaking her head as she spoke. “She’s trying a little too hard.”
“Sure,” he replied sarcastically. “Whatever you say. Seems pretty into her to me. Takes her out of the running for all this,” he gestured sloppily to his person.
I grimaced, “Gross.”
Jimmy snuck in between Brian and the bassist, Callie, in an effort to shield his friend’s life. She then started to fall all over Jimmy. So, I decided, maybe I was being paranoid.
“Well,” Sean groaned as he stood, “you guys suck. See ya later.”
“What a douche,” Mona laughed as soon as he was out of ear shot. “And for the record, no way was Brian into that girl.”
“I know,” I lied, forcing a dismissive smile.
But he still hadn’t excused himself from her.
Jimmy had, however, and was headed for the door. I was on my feet and headed for the Rev. I nearly tackled him with my hot pursuit—he caught me just as we nearly toppled out the door.
“Jesus Christ,” he shrieked, steadying us both. “Why?”
“Can I talk to you?” I asked hurriedly, ushering him out the door before he could actually respond.
He waited patiently as I lit a cigarette and tucked my pack and lighter back into the pocket of my jeans. I was certain he knew why I’d dragged him outside but I was biding my time—hopeful that I wouldn’t actually have to say it.
“So,” Jimmy finally said. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know how to ask this without sounding like a possessive crazy person,” I told him anxiously.
Jimmy sighed, “He’s not going to cheat on you with that hooker.”
“She’s not a hooker,” I almost laughed. “But she is really obviously trying to fuck my boyfriend.”
“Blair,” Jimmy said so seriously that it caught me off guard. “I swear to you. Brian is not going to cheat on you—especially not in front of your fucking face.”
“I didn’t say—”
He interrupted me coldly, “He’s not going to cheat on you.”
“Can we just admit,” I tried pleadingly, “that that girl was all over him? Can you just give me that?”
Jimmy squinted at me, “What’s that going to do?”
“Validate me,” I half-laughed.
He shook his head, “I’m not playing that game, man. Who cares what that girl’s doing? You’re being overprotective.”
I honestly thought Jimmy was going to back me up. Instead, he was on team Brian. I guess that made sense. They were best friends, after all. I was always on Team Tyler; even when he was in the wrong. I decided to give Jimmy—and Brian—the benefit of the doubt and just trust that Brian wasn’t into her.
And with that thought, Brian came bounding out of the trailer. He lit a cigarette and slung an arm around my shoulders.
“That girl,” he said to me, “is so god damn annoying.”
Jimmy raised his eyebrows at me.
“You didn’t seem to mind,” I tried to say as lightly as possible considering how angry I was.
Brian furrowed his brows at me, “I have standards, Blair.”
“Mhm,” I hummed, taking a long drag of my smoke.
He kissed the side of my head, “And I have you. Don’t be crazy.”
Day one.
Maybe my nerves were founded properly. Maybe this was going to be too close for comfort. I started to worry for my relationship. I wasn’t going to be able to handle women fawning all over Brian. Not while they thought he was single.
“Hey,” I said to him, turning to face him and taking his free hand into mine. “Let’s get out of here.”
“And go where?” Brian laughed, he was already partly in the bag.
“Anywhere,” I mused. “Just me and you.”
“Let’s go,” Brian grinned at me.
“You crazy kids,” Jimmy gushed. “I’ll tell everyone you died. See ya later.”
Jimmy climbed back onto the bus and Brian and I took off running away from the circle of musicians. I pretended like I hadn’t just been convinced that Brian was being sucked off by some other woman. I needed to feel him with me. I couldn’t do that with the drunk girl lingering around.
We caught a cab and Brian muttered something to the driver about where we were going. I’d never been to Vegas—Brian had been here several times. He decided he’d be the activity leader; I was happy to go wherever.
Where we ended up was more magical than I ever could have dreamt. We managed to get ourselves onto the world’s tallest observation wheel. Apparently it was really slow moving but I didn’t mind. Time alone with Brian in Vegas? Sounds good.
We tucked ourselves into the corner of a cabin as it rose above the ground and high into the sky. People were so in awe of the sights that no one recognized me nor Mr. Gates.
Maybe we just weren’t famous enough.
“This is incredible,” I sighed, admiring all of the lights below our feet.
Brian smiled, looking out through the glass, “I always wanted to come up here.”
I looked at him then, the look on his face was the most delicate thing I’d ever seen. His eyes were flickering with wonder and his lips were curved into the most subtle smile. He was painstakingly beautiful to look at.
I felt like a terrible person for doubting him. It hurt to know that I didn’t trust him. Maybe I could learn.
“Hey,” I breathed quietly, “I need to tell you something.”
“What’s up?” he asked, looking a little worried.
I bit at my lip, “That girl…um, Callie…”
Brian looked at me expectantly.
“I know that I should trust you,” I tried again. “And I’m trying. But I hated seeing her throwing herself at you. I really, really hated it. I wanted to be honest with you instead of bottling it up…”
“I know,” Brian said slowly. “You’re not exactly mysterious.”
I bit my lip harder, “I’m sorry. I swear I’m not normally the jealous type.”
He laughed softly, “It’s okay. I can handle you being jealous. I think it’s kind of cute.”
“You didn’t think it was so cute last time,” I argued lightly.
“Because last time you were angry at me,” he told me. “This time you’re not so angry. I can handle honest Blair—I can’t handle tangent Blair.”
“You’re a dick,” I told him with a laugh. “I never went off on a tangent.”
He pulled my body into his and looked deep into my eyes. I thought he might say something sweet but instead he pushed his lips to mine. His hand cupped my face softly as he gently slid his tongue between my lips.
For a second, I forgot where we were. I forgot about the girl. I forgot about my insecurities. I forgot about leaving Tyler behind.
For a second, all I could think about was Brian.
Breaking the kiss reluctantly, I looked up at him. He was giving me that knowing look that told me all I ever needed to know.
I had to stop worrying and psychoanalyzing his every action with other females. I knew that if I was going to be with Brian, it meant being with Synyster Gates too. And that meant dealing with women that adored him as much as I did. I was going to have to learn to share.
“You’re wonderful,” I said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear myself as I sank my head into Brian’s chest.
We stood there quietly admiring the view, admiring one another’s presence. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Or, as far as Brian’s concerned, felt before.
I’d never known a romantic love. I’d never known what it was to obsess over what someone was thinking or to be so wrapped up in thoughts about them that time slipped passed me. This was the first time that I cared more about what someone else thought of me than what I thought of me. It was a powerful and scary thing, love. In it, I felt special. Like I held something for Brian that no one else in this world knew. But it wasn’t totally right. Unrequited love has never been anything but tragic in any story I’ve read.
I was too afraid to tell him. I was too afraid to hear that he didn’t love me back.
So, I stayed in this place of caution and loved him from afar. But sometimes I could almost feel him loving me too. And that, for now, was enough.

Notes

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