Almost Easy

Brian’s house was packed by eight o’clock. It seemed like an unreasonably early hour for a party of such magnitude, but leave it to Jimmy to throw a spur of the moment early evening bash. I’d taken up residence by the pool chatting with Matt and drowning in beers.
I was feeling pretty good.
Brian was across the yard, talking in a group of people that I didn’t recognize plus Zach. He would occasionally glance over at me to subtly check in, flash me a little smile, and then return to his group. Jimmy was everywhere…but also nowhere. It was impossible to keep track of him.
“I hear you’re headed home next weekend,” Matt said to me as he sipped his beer and watched a chicken fight happening in the pool.
I nodded, “Sure am.”
“Taking Bri with you?” he asked curiously, laughing as the skinny blonde fell off of her stallion and into the water.
I nodded again, “Yep.”
He looked at me then with a mischievous grin, nodding back at me in approval. He took a big chug of his beer and then tossed the empty bottle into the grass near the end of the yard. He grabbed a fresh one off of the patio table and slid the top off.
“He’s a good guy,” Matt said, still grinning. “Our Brian.”
“So it would seem,” I answered weirdly.
The blonde was back at it. The drunken man beneath her was struggling to hold her weight. I was amused.
“You seem to have a pretty good hold on both our boys,” Matt laughed, taking another large swig from his bottle.
“I assume you mean Jimmy,” I smiled.
“Hell, if you can get Jimmy and Brian to love you so much, you must be fuckin’ cool,” Matt told me.
His dimples were sexy but I ignored them in favour of a sexier piece of ass just over yonder. He was giving me another check-in glance, this time with a wink. I swooned.
I shrugged, “I’m alright.”
“Hey!” Jimmy shrieked, appearing as if from nowhere. “Hey! You both! Get in the water!”
“No,” I protested with a whine. “I want to drink my beer and stay on land.”
“Get in the water,” Jimmy demanded again. “I want to do whatever they’re doing!”
He pointed at the people still engaged in their chicken fights—the blonde obviously too drunk to be a serious contender. She was back in the water quickly.
“There’s only three of us,” Matt told Jimmy with a smirk. “You don’t need me.”
“I told Lauren that she had to report to the pool the second she was done peeing,” Jimmy told us excitedly. “I thought I should let her piss before she hops up on my shoulders.”
“Good plan,” I snickered.
“So, you take Blair,” Jimmy said to Matt simply. “But watch out for Brian—he wanted to seriously hurt me the last time I got too close to her.”
“You kissed her, dude,” Matt argued with a laugh. “There’s a serious difference.”
Jimmy rolled his eyes, “Whatever.”
Lauren ventured over to us slowly but Jimmy wasn’t having it. With one tiny shove, she was flying into the pool and Jimmy was diving in after her. The loud splash elicited attention from everyone around the poolside.
“Let’s fucking go!” Jimmy shouted from inside the water, already pulling his pseudo-girlfriend up onto his shoulders.
Matt looked at me with a smile, “I guess that means we’re up.”
I conceded and followed Matt into the pool, climbing onto his shoulders with a significant amount of ease. I was impressed by his strength—not that I was particularly heavy but no way would I be able to hold someone up.
“Blair, if you take out my girlfriend, I’ll have to cut you,” Jimmy warned me.
Lauren giggled as she reached out for my hands in a futile attempt to knock me off balance. I was indulgent. I was competitive. You best believe that I had no problem pushing her off of Jimmy; she dragged him along in her descent.
I couldn’t but glance over at Brian—I was a little nervous about giving any of his friends too much attention given what happened with Jimmy before. To my relief, he was laughing and applauding in my direction.
Matt cheered dramatically, his flailing arms nearly knocked me off of his shoulders. I gripped the top of his head and gave him a ‘hey! Remember me?!’ kind of grunt.
He grabbed onto my knees so I could steady myself and he laughed.
“Fuck you,” Jimmy grinned. “Round two. We will not be defeated twice.”
“I don’t know about that, Jimmy,” Matt teased. “Ready up there?”
“Oh yeah,” I snickered, readying myself to repeat my victory.
Lauren was more aggressive in her second attempt but was still unable to defeat me. She splashed into the water with a satisfied “oh!” chorusing from Matt and I.
Jimmy splashed in frustration, ignoring his poor drowned girlfriend. He did call her his girlfriend, right? I guess he’d made an executive decision about that at some point. I made a mental note to grill him about it later.
“All hail the queen!” Matt roared, parading us around in circles around Jimmy, who was still looking quite displeased.
“Brian!” Jimmy shrieked. “Your girlfriend has to die!”
Brian neared the pool, looking painfully entertained. He squatted down to better converse with his poor loser of a friend.
“You can’t kill her,” Brian told him with a laugh.
“I don’t care how much you love her, she has to go,” Jimmy said angrily. “You have to help me take her out.”
Brian tilted his head.
“Come on,” Jimmy pleaded. “Me and you. You gotta lift me up.”
Brian erupted into laughter, shaking his head profusely, “No fucking way am I letting your dick touch my neck.”
“What are you, scared?” I jested loudly at my ultra sexy counterpart.
“Aw,” Matt joined in, “Little Haner is afraid of a little dick.”
“It’s a big dick,” Jimmy defended seriously.
Brian hopped over the edge and into the pool, looking reluctant as he did. He placed a warning finger in Jimmy’s face.
“If it touches me,” he said with raised eyebrows. “I swear to fucking god I’ll drown you.”
Jimmy smirked, “Fine, fine.”
I watched as the men struggled to get Jimmy’s lanky self onto Brian’s broad shoulders. Brian cringed as Jimmy positioned himself. For such a long human, I could imagine he’d be quite heavy. Brian’s knees shook as he stood.
They squared off against us, Brian looking less than impressed but Jimmy was quite pleased with himself. He signaled death to me with a swipe of his finger across his throat.
“Ready?” Matt asked me.
Jimmy and I locked hands right away and began our power struggle. It was obvious that Jimmy was stronger than I was; there was no question about it. But I was determined.
Jimmy was uttering threats to me while we swayed and pushed and pulled. I was trying my best not to laugh. The second that I did, I knew that I would fall.
“Brian!” Jimmy shouted. “Brian! Closer! Come on!”
Brian couldn’t contain himself. He burst out into a fit of laughter and that was when I made my move. Jimmy went toppling off of Brian’s heaving shoulders, his heels catching on Brian’s arms and submerging Brian too.
They both came up coughing and sputtering and cursing one another. Matt and I began our routine; chanting and shouting and otherwise showboating.
“You threw it,” Jimmy said to Brian. “You let them win!”
“Jimmy got beaten by a girl,” Matt leered.
Brian was still in stitches. I loved his laugh.
I caught myself adoring him again—everything the man did made me lovesick. It was ridiculous.
“Can I have her back?” Brian asked Matt, still sort of laughing.
“All yours,” Matt turned to let Brian lift me off his shoulders and into his chest.
Brian smiled at me as he carried me away from the scene of the crime. His dark lashes were made even darker by the pools of water collecting within them. I was swooning again.
“We should get very, very drunk,” I suggested as a means of distracting myself from my feelings.
Brian smirked, “I’m all over it.”
We took to the patio chairs, the California night air biting at my damp clothes. Despite my chill, I was doing everything in my power to savor the moment. I wanted to be present. I wanted to remember it all when I was old and grey.
Brian lit a cigarette and then handed a second to me. We smoked as the sun set and Jimmy continued to complain about the game being rigged. Matt was still baiting him.
“So this is a Brian party, huh?” I asked as I exhaled a particularly large cloud of smoke.
He eyed me up, “This is a Jimmy party. Just happened to find its way to my house this time.”
“It’s a good time,” I smiled.
“Good,” his face softened. “I’m glad you’re having fun.”
There was an undertone of sadness in his voice that I knew was still lingering around the Tyler situation.
“Can I ask you something?” Brian said and I already knew it would be about Tyler in some way or another.
I nodded, “Sure.”
“How did you and Tyler become friends?” he asked so gently that I thought maybe he’d been hurt somehow.
“Um…” I faltered. “I’m not sure. We’ve been friends since we were little kids so I’m not sure how it came about.”
“Oh,” Brian replied simply. “I was just curious.”
“He became my best friend the first time that I boy dumped me,” I reminisced fondly. “We were in the sixth grade and I had the biggest crush on Alton Burns. He wasn’t even that cute so it didn’t make any sense but I liked him anyway.”
“Big love of your life, huh,” Brian smirked.
“Oh yeah,” I giggled. “Anyway, he agreed to be my boyfriend for exactly two days. Then a cuter girl decided she liked him so he dumped me.”
“What an idiot,” Brian said seriously.
“Tyler hit him,” I laughed at the memory. “In the middle of the lunch room. He walked straight up to this shitty little kid and decked him right in the lip. We’ve been best friends ever since.”
Brian smiled sweetly, “Sounds like a solid friendship.”
“It is,” I nodded, my heart starting to tug at my chest. “It was.”
“So I was just another Alton Burns to him then,” Brian said almost to himself.
I shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe. Tyler was always weird about men in my life.”
“Jealous?” Brian asked seriously.
I made a face, “No. Not like…romantic jealousy anyway. I think that, and I’m not psychologist so I could be way off base, but I think that Tyler was so fucked up…and he had so many issues with relationships and with his own emotions…I think he just naturally assumed that everyone else was the same. You know? I think he figured that if you broke my heart, I’d be in shambles. He wanted to protect me from becoming anything like him.”
Brian considered this as I awkwardly smoked my cigarette. It was strange to talk about Tyler without him there to weigh in on my opinions. I desperately wanted to fight with him about his protective nature. But I knew that would never come up again. I’d never be able to hear him justify the way he treated me.
I’d never hear him say it was only because he loved me. I’d never hear that again.
I could feel it welling up in me so I looked away from Brian. Deep breaths.
“Blair,” Brian eased, placing a hand gently on my thigh.
The contact only made my eyes swell up larger. I tried to blink the tears away.
“It’s okay,” he assured me. “Look at me, it’s okay.”
I couldn’t.
Brian stood abruptly and took me by the hand. He dragged me through the crowds of people outside and in, through the hall and upstairs to his bedroom. He shut the door and clicked the lock. I’d held my head down throughout the entirety of our journey.
I decided I’d had too much to drink. I wasn’t human. I was just intoxicated. That was my explanation for the sudden rush of sadness.
Brian took me into his arms and held me tightly. He laced my hair into his fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I really didn’t mean to upset you.”
I tried to look up at him then but the sadness in his eyes only reflected mine and I lost it. My shoulders shook with great force as I sobbed. I felt stupid and I was embarrassed but I just could not get it together.
“I’m sorry,” I managed through my tears.
He held my face away from his body and searched my eyes for reason.
“It’s okay, Blair,” he told me seriously.
“It’s isn’t okay,” I sobbed, pushing away from him to sit on the bed.
I needed to be sitting. If I stood any longer, I was going to faint.
The pain was enough to bring me to my knees all over again. It had been a while since a wave of this size had crashed down on me and now I was fucking drowning.
“I’m trying…” I took a deep breath, wiping at my mascara-black tears. “I’m trying to be okay and act like it’s all good.”
“I know,” Brian sighed as he took a seat next to me.
My bottom lip quivered as I tried to sort my thoughts, “It’s really fucking hard.”
“I know,” he said again, softer this time.
“I want my friend back,” I wept. “That’s all I want. I’ll give up everything else. I’ll go back to waiting on tables. I’ll go back to fucking Massachusetts. I don’t fucking care. I just want my friend back.”
This revelation brought on a second mental breakdown. I sobbed into my hands, trying to hide my shame in my palms.
Brian rubbed at my back, saying nothing.
“I don’t know where this is coming from,” I said finally, trying to regain my composure.
Brian pursed his lips subtly, “Blair…it just happened. It’s still new. It’s okay to still be fucked over it.”
I took a deep, deep breath and wiped at my tears viciously. Rage. Rage was all I needed to pull myself out of the depression. The self-loathing for letting myself get so worked up was working wonders. The tears stopped.
“I’m embarrassed,” I said quietly.
He tilted my chin up to look at him, “Stop.”
“I’m starting to think that it’s never going to be okay,” I confessed gloomily.
He sighed again, “I don’t know, Babe. We’re just going to have to take it one day at a time. I will say, though, that I’d rather see you like this than acting like you’re fine. This is healthy. This is normal.”
We. I was starting to really like that word. Brian had been a big help in carrying around the burden of grief. I was starting to feel a tiny less humiliated. But I still scolded myself for the outburst. That wasn’t my style.
“Thank you,” I managed.
“What was the craziest thing you guys ever did?” he asked me almost excitedly. “Best memory ever—first thing that comes to mind.”
I thought about it for a second, “Breaking into a dilapidated hospital.”
“What?” Brian laughed.
“I know, I know,” I giggled, wiping away at the last of my tears. “It sounds really weird. We thought it would be scary—and it was—but it was the best time I think I’ve ever had. We had to run from security…it was nuts.”
I could still see Tyler hunched over trying to catch his breath. He looked up at me and then keeled over again in a fit of laughter. We’d almost gotten caught but had managed to slip out through a window. We fell three stories and rolled down a grassy hill. It was a miracle we didn’t break our legs. We thought it was hilarious.
“He sounds like a cool guy,” Brian offered, still rubbing at my back with his right hand.
I smiled, “He was.”
“What else?” Brian asked curiously.
Despite the party happening all over Brian’s house, we locked ourselves away in his bedroom talking about my life and my friendship with Tyler. I told him about our first Halloween and our first Christmas. I told him about the first time I lived with his family and the last time that he had to rescue me from my aunt. I told him all about our road trip to California when we first made the choice to move here and how we lived out of our car for almost a month because we couldn’t find an apartment.
My first California apartment was with Tyler. We’d only separated when he’d gotten a girlfriend who was set on moving in with him. They’d made it work for three months after her shit moved into his place…they never spoke again.
Brian listened intently to all of my stories and anecdotes. He was affectionately playing with my hair once we’d laid back and rested our heads on the pillows. He laughed at the funny stories and consoled me when the memories started to overwhelm me.
As he watched me intently as I talked about the time Tyler tried to cook me a Thanksgiving dinner, I recognized the look in Brian’s eyes. It was the same look that I knew I had every time I looked at him.
As he spoke and told me about the first time he ever cooked, and burnt, a turkey, I realized something that I thought would unnerve me. I thought that when it happened that it would corrupt me to the core. I scolded myself for being so relaxed; I hardly knew him…and yet it felt like I’d known him forever. I felt safe with him. Like I could be myself, in all my flaws and all my gory shortcomings and he was going to like me anyway.
He felt familiar to me. Like we’d always been in each other’s lives. Like there had never been anyone else.
Granted, I’d never experienced it before so I had to allow room for error.
But I was pretty sure.
He laughed and I realized I loved him.

Notes

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