Almost Easy

Dinner was awkward. Brian and I were subtly trying to survey one another, trying to read deep between the lines to figure out who the other really was. John was caught in the unfortunate tension. He played it off like it didn’t exist, but you could have sliced it with a dull knife.
Once we’d paid for our bills, John hurriedly excused himself from the resenting couple that was Brian and me. I didn’t want to be angry with him but I was having a hard time shaking the feeling that something wasn’t right. He was trying not to be angry with me for basically accusing him of cheating—without actually accusing him at all.
“So,” I said lamely, kicking at the ground. “Did you still want to come over? I don’t know where we stand on that.”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “I guess so.”
We said an awkward goodbye and hopped into our respective vehicles. The entire drive home, I was intent on shaking the unwelcome jealousy that had crept deep into my veins. I really didn’t like it.
It was like a serpent in my belly, slithering around and snapping at the edges with its venom. My lip was a bloody mess by time I got home.
Brian wasn’t far behind me. As I waited for him to park, I lit a cigarette and dabbed at the crimson pooling at the filter. A dead giveaway that I’d been anxious all this time.
“Hey,” Brian said sheepishly as he neared me, looking particularly good in all black.
I forced a smile and led us in and up to my apartment. Brian knew where to go and how to make himself at home—hell, he’d been here often enough in the past weeks. It brought me great joy to see him so relaxed in my home.
But this particular day he was no so relaxed. He was tense and his face was still angry, regardless of how hard he was trying to hide it.
“Should we talk about it?” I asked flatly, feeling sort of brave.
I mostly just wanted to rid myself of the snake inside.
He glanced at me quickly and then looked to his hands, “I don’t really see the point. It’s over now.”
“Is it?” I half-laughed. “Doesn’t feel over.”
He huffed at me, “What do you want me to say, Blair? I’m mad.”
“I’m mad too,” I said sternly.
“Here’s where I’m at,” he brewed, “you were at dinner with a man that wasn’t me. How is me having dinner with a woman that isn’t you any different?”
“It just is,” I replied limply.
He laughed but it wasn’t a good laugh, “You’re incredible.”
“You know John,” I explained angrily. “You knew that we had media all fucking day. It’s hardly a surprise to find us together. You, on the other hand, haven’t spoken to me since yesterday when you told me you were sick. Then I find you a day later at dinner with a woman I’ve never met—no, not even never met; never heard of. That’s how it’s different.”
Brian looked angry but seemed to be giving a great deal of thought to my rebuttal. The reality was that whether or not Brian had been up to something shady, the situations were still vastly different and couldn’t be compared.
“Sometimes I have feelings,” I said when Brian said nothing. “Sometimes I’m going to get jealous or upset. I’m not exactly feeling like myself lately—I need you to give me a fucking break.”
“I understand that,” Brian replied carefully. “I know that it’s been difficult for you the last couple of weeks. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like…but it just isn’t an excuse, Blair. You can’t act whatever way you want with no regards for my feelings just because you’re hurting.”
“It’s not because I’m hurting,” I hissed. “It’s because you were at a fucking dinner that I knew nothing about. How do you not get what the issue here is?”
Maybe I should have taken his naivety as a sign that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong. It didn’t matter. At the end of the day, it really bothered me. That seemed like an issue that should be brought up one way or another.
If he couldn’t handle it, then this wasn’t going to work out. What was the point of investing any more time into someone who would never compromise? I was fine to let it blow up now if it meant not having to blow it up later.
He lit a cigarette, his face doing that broody deep thought thing that it does. He finally exhaled.
“Okay,” he said. “I can see where you’re coming from.”
“Can you?” I asked sarcastically. “Or are you just trying to end the fight?”
“I get it,” he shrugged. “I’m thinking about if roles were reversed. Because, you’re right, I know John. I’m trying to think how I’d react if it had been anyone else.”
“Or if someone kissed me?” I tried stubbornly. “Because, as I recall, you were jealous too.”
“You’re right,” he nodded, taking a very large breath of smoke.
I walked over to him and positioned myself in his lap. Much to my relief, he made no effort to stop me. Instead, he placed his free hand on my hip and finally looked at me.
“I’m sorry,” he said seriously. “I’m being an asshole.”
“Kind of,” I agreed with a laugh. “Just don’t gaslight me, Brian. I’m entitled to have feelings—even if they’re feelings you don’t like.”
“I know,” he nodded. “I don’t know if you can tell but I haven’t had many girlfriends. Not important ones, anyway. This is all pretty new to me.”
“It’s new to me too,” I replied honestly, plucking his cigarette and placing it between my lips, my bottom lip still stinging.
“She really is just a friend,” Brian said absently. “Her name is Dani. I’ve known her since high school. She has a husband and a kid. There’s nothing going on there.”
“Promise?” I asked weakly, feeling really stupid.
“Blair, if I was going to go fuck someone else, I promise I wouldn’t string you along for it. I’m an asshole but I’m not that kind of asshole.”
It was a struggle to believe him. A man that looked like he did?...How could he not be lured in by temptation? Maybe she was married but I wasn’t stupid. I saw the way she was eying him up like her next meal. Maybe he couldn’t see it. Maybe I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt about the whole thing.
“I really don’t want to fuck it up,” he interrupted my thoughts, looking pleadingly into my eyes. “I can feel myself fucking it up.”
I shook my head slowly, “You’re fine.”
“Let’s just be out in the open with each other from now on,” he said mostly to himself. “Even if it’s going to elicit a bad reaction from the other. Total honesty.”
“Okay,” I conceded as Brian took his cigarette back.
“Are we okay?” he asked cautiously. “Do you feel better?”
“I guess,” I shrugged. “Better than I did, anyway.”
Brian smiled at me, which totally caught me off guard.
“What?” I asked with more attitude than I meant.
He just laughed, “You’re just very pretty.”
I couldn’t help but laugh too, “You’re pretty too.”
He scowled, “I’m not pretty. I’m handsome.”
“Right, right,” I nodded, pulling his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting it immediately.
I loved that he was a smoker. I loved that he never protested me stealing his cigarettes, even when I had my own. I loved the way his jowl muscles tensed and released as he inhaled and exhaled.
I caught myself in awe of him. It was a miraculous thing, really, given how ridiculously angry with him I’d been only moments ago. He had a way with me, there was no doubt about it. He soothed me without really reassuring me at all. Somehow, his very existence was enough to pull me out of my mood. The second his tone changed, mine did too.
It dawned on me then that I might be falling in love with him. I swallowed it down and pushed it away. No way in hell was today going to mark the beginning of my revelation. This was something that would have to be bitten down on and forced to the furthest crevices of my mind. I wasn’t ready for it. It was too soon and too much had happened.
I figured it was probably misplaced affection born out of grief and misery. Maybe I just missed being loved…and loving back.
“What’s up, Peterson?” Brian asked, snapping me instantly back to reality.
“Don’t call me that,” I laughed. “But nothing.”
“You sure?” he pried. “Kind of looked like something.”
“I’m just thinking.”
He smirked, “Don’t hurt yourself.”
Even when he was being a dick, I still absolutely adored him.

Notes

xx