Almost Easy

Tyler’s mother looked so much like Tyler that it made me nauseous. Their eyes were the same shape and the same shade of blue. Hers were now burdened the way Ty’s had been.
She held me in his shaky arms, holding tightly. It took all of my might not to fall apart in her grasp—she felt like home. Ty’s dad lingered beside us; he’d never been one for the affection. Don’t get me wrong, he was leaps and bounds warmer than people like my aunt—but he was by no means a ‘hugger’.
It was fine with me.
“How are you?” I asked dumbly as Margarete released me from her embrace.
She sighed, lip quivering subtly, “I’m hanging in there. How are you?”
“About the same,” I answered limply.
“The policemen told me that you were at the scene,” her eyes trailed for a quick second. “I’m so, so sorry, Blair. That must have been awful.”
The memory flashed in my mind and it hit me like a freight train. The red and blue lights striking the night sky, the officers blocking the hallway…
I shook the memory away.
“I’m fine,” I said numbly, knowing she’d understand.
She passed me an envelope then. It had been torn at the top, I tried not to let that bother me. The force took me to my knees—I sat with my head hung low for a second, trying to catch my breath.
“You don’t need to read it now,” she spoke softly. “I haven’t been able to bring myself to read ours.”
“He wrote individual letters?” I managed from my weaken state.
She sat on my couch then, holding her knees as she spoke, “Yes. The officers said they found two; one addressed to us and one addressed to you. They were going to deliver it to you but I volunteered. I thought it might be easier coming from me.”
I nodded slowly, “Did you read it? Mine, I mean.”
She shook her head, “No. The letter wasn’t for me; it’s none of my business. The policemen read it though.”
I studied the envelope in my hands, pouring over Tyler’s sloppy cursive. I ran my fingers over my name scrawled across the front.
“We fought,” I mused absently, “right before he died. We had a huge fight.”
Margarete reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder. She gave it a squeeze to let me know that it was okay.
“I’ll never forgive myself,” I sputtered.
“Come, sit,” she instructed me gently.
I did as I was told.
“There’s nothing to forgive, Honey,” she told me, holding both of my hands in hers. “We know that Tyler was struggling. We have never been blind to his pain. We are so grateful to you for helping him throughout his life. You will always be family to us, Blair.”
“I just,” I started to weep. “I just want to tell him that I love him. Just one more time…you know? I want him to know that I’m sorry.”
“He knows,” she insisted with a subtle smile. “He’s always known.”
I swallowed my pain down deep. It was unfair to his parents for me to start breaking down. Their pain was far greater than mine, I was sure. So, if they could keep a bold face, so could I.
“Whatever you fought about,” she continued, “it doesn’t matter. That wasn’t what your relationship was. You need to let it go.”
She sounded just like Brian.
“Blair,” Ty’s dad finally spoke, “this is going to sound weird but I think that it needs to be said. I just want to thank you,” he paused momentarily, “Thank you for helping my son grow to be an adult. Thank you for pushing him along and keeping him invested in his life for as long as you did. We were never able to get through to him like you could…This would have happened a very long time ago had it not been for you. We gained a lot of extra years because of your presence in our son’s life.”
I tried not to cry. Margarete tried not to cry, though I could see it building in her face. She nodded along as her husband spoke. I hadn’t known how much Tyler and my friendship had meant to them.
I had always known what it meant to me…and to Tyler.
“I’m sorry that I failed,” is all I could muster.
His dad said sharply then, “You didn’t fail anybody, Blair. None of this is on you. This is, unfortunately, just how things went. It’s nobody’s fault. It isn’t yours. It isn’t ours. It isn’t Tyler’s.”
His dad’s progressive acceptance of mental illness had always inspired awe in me. Most people I knew had conjured the belief that it was mostly make-believe or somehow exaggerated. Those types of people infuriated me.
“What did you fight about?” Margarete asked, stealing my attention back.
I looked at her oddly.
She smiled, “I’m just being nosey, Honey.”
“A boy,” I shrugged. “Ty didn’t like him.”
“A new boyfriend?” she asked curiously.
I blushed, “Um…I wouldn’t say boyfriend. I don’t really know what he is to me.”
“But you like him?” she continued to pry.
I nodded, “A lot.”
“But Tyler didn’t?” she tried to understand. “Why not? Is the guy trouble?”
“He’s a guitarist in a metal band,” I laughed. “It’s probably safe to assume he’s trouble.”
“Boy, don’t you have a type,” she chuckled. “You know Ty, he was always so protective of you. I’m sure it was nothing personal, Honey. He would have grown to like the guy eventually, I’m sure.”
“Yeah,” I frowned, “I guess.”
They stayed for a while longer, filling me in on all of the goings-on in their life back home. They’d just remodeled the kitchen and were contemplating selling the house. In light of the recent events, though, they’d decided against it.
Margarete had gotten a promotion at work and now was making a substantial amount of money. This seemed to please her husband.
She asked about Brian and about how we met. She gushed as I explained him to her, sparing no detail about his appearance.
“I hope I’ll get to meet him one day,” she said happily. “At your wedding perhaps!”
“Marge,” I laughed warningly. “No weddings for this girl.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she waved. “You’re my only daughter—I need a wedding!”
I’d missed her warmth. I’d missed chatting with her over tea in the cool Massachusetts air. I thought then that maybe I’d move back there one day, once my life was less hectic and I could really lay down roots.
And once I had the money, I’d buy them a better house. They deserved a better house. Tyler had always talked about earning enough money so that his parents could retire. He sure hadn’t accomplished that goal, so I decided that I would.
They left with little fret and very few tears. Margarete told me to call more often and I promised that I would.
My apartment was unsettlingly quiet once they were gone. It had been filled with so much life only seconds before…now the silence taunted me.
Tyler’s letter sat prominently on my table, looking to me for acknowledgment. I stared at it from a distance. It’s very presence making my heart race.
I walked around it, never taking my eyes off it, even as I dialed the phone.
“Hey, it’s me,” I said once Brian had picked up. “What are the chances that I could convince you to rally the Jimmy troop and take me out?”
“Out?” Brian choked. “You serious?”
“Yeah,” I said grimly, still staring at the letter. “I need to get out of my apartment. I’m starting to go nuts.”
“Starting?” Brian teased. “I’ll call Jimmy. One or both of us will pick you up soon.”
“See you soon,” I smiled.
“I’m happy you’re getting out,” he said seriously. “I’ll see you soon.”
For the first time in a week, I found the energy to put a fresh face on and brush my fucking hair.
Fuck, if Tyler’s parents could get up and venture into the world, then there was no reason that I couldn’t bring myself to do it too. I had to stop shutting myself away and feeding the guilt—I needed to live my life.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to actually embrace my life, but I needed to start taking steps into a new normalcy. My life would never be the same without Tyler. But it couldn’t stay in a permanent state of grief either.
So, despite my strong urge to bunker back down and tear myself apart, I pulled on fresh clothes and busied myself while I waited.
There was no way that a combo pack of Jimmy and Brian couldn’t at least bring my spirits up a tad. It had proven to be an impossible feat thus far, raising my spirits. No one could do it.
Not the way Tyler could…
But my two metal men would just have to do.

Notes

Thank you all for the lovely comments and love. It's much appreciated and definitely inspires the upkeep of my prompt updates.

Hope you're all loving Blair and Brian as much as I am.

xx