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Almost Easy

Chapter Seventeen: My Lacerated Soul

“Are you okay?” Brian asked, holding my face in his hands.
I sniffled, wiping at my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. I couldn’t speak.
Brian ushered me back toward my apartment door, retrieving my bag of garbage on our way. He instinctively locked the door behind us before following me to the couch. He sat and pulled my head into his lap, stroking my oily hair as I wept.
“What happened?” he asked gently. “I saw the news…”
“Then you know what happened,” I hiccupped.
He sighed, “When did it happen?”
“I don’t know,” I took a deep breath, trying to steady my emotions. “Wednesday night.”
“Oh, Blair…”
I wiped at my nose, trying not to drip onto Brian’s jeans. Even in the throes of my demons, I was still concerned about embarrassing myself. I was pathetic.
“Do you know why?” he started uneasily. “I mean…”
“I know what you mean,” I managed weakly. “But no.”
“Fuck,” Brian grumbled almost inaudibly.
I sat up. The pressure in my face had become unbearable. I needed to be upright—even though Brian was comfortable as all hell. His eyes were sad and it sort of burdened me. I forced myself to look away, tugging at the loose thread on my long sleeve.
“It’s my fault,” I sighed. “I wasn’t home when he called…I should have been home.”
“Hey,” Brian echoed, reaching out and taking my hand into his. “Don’t do that. This is not your fault.”
“It is,” I started to weep again, I tried desperately to stop. “If I had been home—I could have stopped him. I could have talked to him.”
“Blair,” Brian mused sadly, “Stop.”
I looked at him with rage burning up inside. He didn’t understand. How could he understand? This was nobody’s cross but mine.
“If it wasn’t now,” he treaded lightly, “It would have been another day. It is not your fault.”
“You didn’t even know him,” I sobbed defensively. “I could have stopped him.”
“Blair,” Brian tried again.
Because I was always one for the theatrics, I stood abruptly and made my way to the answering machine where I’d kept the last two of Tyler’s messages. I hit play, studying Brian as Tyler’s voice filled my small living room.
His face flooded white. He looked at me with concern and with despair. I couldn’t bear to look at him.
This was my fault.
“This wasn’t your fault,” Brian said again, more sternly this time.
“He called me, Brian,” I sobbed violently. “He called me for help and I wasn’t here. Fuck, I didn’t even check my messages until I thought they might have been from you. I’m a shitty, shitty fucking person.”
Brian stood to his feet, pulling me into his arms once more, “Blair.”
“I know this sounds stupid,” I cried, “But I could have stopped him. I always stopped him.”
“And what?” Brian snapped, pulling himself away just far enough to look at me. “What if you built a life, Blair? What if you had a press tour or a media interview and he called, then what? What if you wanted to get away for a weekend? Could you really live your life scheduling around what might happen? This isn’t your fucking fault.”
I thought about what my life had been for the last decade or so. How much of my time Tyler had eaten up with nervous breakdowns or hospital stays. How many opportunities did I discard because I was afraid to leave my friend?
It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time…but maybe Brian had a point.
I still couldn’t shake the guilt.
“I’m sorry,” I managed from behind my tears.
He furrowed his brow, frowning, “You don’t need to be sorry. You just need to understand that it wasn’t your fault.”
“I’m sad,” I said then.
Maybe it was obvious. Fuck, I knew it was obvious. But it was the only thing I could think of to say.
“I know,” he sighed deeply, pulling me back into his chest.
I breathed him in, using my adoration for him to pull myself together. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to keep my shit in one piece but with Brian as a crutch, maybe I could gather the strength to at least take a shower.
“I need to bathe,” I thought out loud. “Will you be here when I’m done?”
He nodded, “I’m here as long as you want me.”
What a loaded statement.
It almost made me smile.
The shower washed my blues away, if only for a moment. I tried my best not to think about Tyler while I washed my hair. I tried not to think about him while I rinsed.
He was all I could think about.
I stepped out, pulling on clean sweats that I’d brought in with me. The shower hadn’t cleansed my soul but it had at least improved the smell.
Brian was still on the couch, watching the television quietly. So long as it wasn’t news about Tyler, I was happy to join.
“Feel a little better?” Brian asked once I’d resumed my perch beside him.
I nodded, “A little.”
“You look better,” he smirked. “And smell better.”
He pinched his nose, waving at the invisible fumes before making himself laugh.
“Shut up,” I groaned, nudging him in the rib.
“Are you hungry?”
I looked at him, amused, “Why are you always trying to feed me?”
“Because I’m always hungry,” he grinned. “And you need to eat. When’s the last time you ate anything?”
I honestly didn’t know so I just shrugged.
“Do you want to go out or order in?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“In,” I sighed.
“What do you feel like?”
I groaned, “Brian, just order whatever you want.”
He smiled, “Okay, okay.”
I tuned into the television while Brian made an order for a ridiculous amount of Italian. He’d been watching some show about restoring classic cars. The men were pompous but the cars were beautiful.
Maybe I could be restored.
“Okay thanks,” Brian said into the phone before hanging up and turning back to me. “Food will be here in forty-five to an hour.”
I nodded absently, still watching the television. Tyler loved classic cars. It was his dream to one day own a ’69 Camaro SS.
“I’ll completely restore one if I have to,” he’d always said. “I just need one in my life.”
I smiled at the memory, almost forgetting again that he was gone.
“You like this shit?” Brian asked, gesturing to the TV. “It was already on.”
I shrugged, “Tyler liked stuff like this. I’ve never really cared about cars—so long as they can move, they’re good with me.”
The mention of Tyler made Brian’s back stiffen. I don’t think he knew what to say—do you bring it up? Do you not? Nobody is ever sure of the proper protocol for death and how to approach the ones left behind.
“Do you have smokes?” I asked him then, finally laying my eyes on him. “I smoked my last one this morning.”
“Of course,” he hastily pulled his pack from his pocket and handed it to me.
“Tyler is the one that got me started smoking,” I said absently, lighting the cigarette with my left hand. “It’s funny because he quit a year into it—I’m still smoking eight years later. Fucking guy.”
Brian smiled awkwardly. Then I was sure he didn’t know how to approach me.
“He was always this way,” I cleared it up for him. “I mean, not always—but for the better part of his life. He was a hurricane.”
“I’m sorry, Blair,” Brian said after a few seconds of hesitation.
He was so sincere.
“I just want to know why,” I pouted. “I need to understand why now of all times. It doesn’t make any sense—things were just starting. Our band was finally making it, you know? That’s all Tyler ever talked about: making it. We haven’t even finished our album.”
“What’s going to happen with that?” Brian asked cautiously. “How much was left?”
“Not a lot,” I inhaled more smoke. “Enough that it’s definitely not a good situation—but Tyler’s parts were mostly finished. He’d volunteered so many times to cover up that I was the weak link…Fuck.”
“If I can help in any way,” Brian volunteered, “I will. Just ask.”
“You are helping,” I answered honestly. “You being here is helping.”
“I’m glad,” he shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner…I called—I didn’t know.”
“I know,” I interrupted gently.
“I would have been here sooner—”
“Jimmy said you were at a guitar thing,” I interrupted again, blowing the smoke out through my nose. “It’s okay, Brian. Really.”
“I hate that you’re hurting,” he said seriously, his eyes tearing mine apart.
I swallowed, I wasn’t sure what to say.
“It was awful, Brian,” I managed.
He looked to me to continue, he was genuinely interested.
“I was there…at his apartment.”
“What?” he gasped, he looked traumatized.
“I didn’t see—I called the police before I left…they beat me there. But I was there.”
“Oh, Blair…”
“I hope that you never have to face something like this,” I gulped. “It’s fucking horrible and it weighs on you every second of every day.”
He held my hand in his, squeezing a couple of times in reassurance.
“All I ever wanted was to make sure that he was okay,” I continued, cigarette burning between my fingers. “It was my job for most of our lives to take care of him. I just…I didn’t see it coming. I should have fucking seen it coming.”
“You have no idea what happened?” he asked lowly, careful not to hurt my feelings.
“No,” I frowned. “We fought…but that hardly seems like enough to tip him over the edge. Who knows, though…maybe I was the straw that broke him, you know?”
“You weren’t,” he objected.
“You don’t know,” I replied as lightly as I could—he really didn’t know though.
“Yes I do,” he said simply. “You were his best friend. He loved you. No way would he leave you because of a fight about some stupid guy.”
“You’re not some stupid guy,” I corrected with a half-laugh. “You’re important. That’s probably why Tyler hated you so much…he really didn’t like to be second.”
“He wasn’t second, though,” he argued confusedly.
“Tyler has some issues,” I stopped myself. “Had…Tyler had some issues. Fuck…that’s like taking a bullet.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Brian reassured me in his sweetest tone. “Not now, but one day.”
“I hope so,” I mused, finally noticing my cigarette again—which was far too burnt to smoke any further.
I lit a new one.
“Thank you for coming,” I said finally, suddenly unwilling to talk about Tyler any further.
“Of course,” Brian smiled. “You’re important too.”
I wasn’t sure that I believed Brian about everything being okay in time. I was angry with time. Time was pulling me further from Tyler, further from our time together, further from his life.
But it was pulling me nearer to healing, maybe.
In the meantime, though, Brian was enough for my soul to rest.

Notes

Comments

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RamonaFoREVer RamonaFoREVer
6/18/19

@LostinDreams77
Oh!!! I'm so glad!!! <33

fyction fyction
5/13/19

Only on chapter 6 but I bloody love it already lol

LostinDreams77 LostinDreams77
5/13/19

@kiss my sas
Omg!!! Lol

fyction fyction
3/27/19

Ok, time for a re read on this one now :D
Baby Blair, come at me!!!

kiss my sas kiss my sas
3/27/19